fortyninethousand322 Posted February 21, 2012 Posted February 21, 2012 I think this did deserve its own thread. Should a guy who has no relationship history, no sexual history, and who barely dates focus more on trying to get into a relationship, or should he focus more on casual sex and hookups? I feel like many women expect at least some kind of experience in a man (be it sexual or dating/relationship) and most women probably have substantial amount of experience in this arena as well. So, to avoid cheating himself and his future partner(s) should this type of guy just stop being so single minded and just say “to heck with it”? Can casual sex simply be a backdoor way into a relationship (as another poster suggested)? And just for good measure, if you’re a woman around mid twenties, would you rather date a guy who had a few casual flings, or a guy who had never had sex, a girlfriend, or who had never even kissed a girl? 1
somedude81 Posted February 21, 2012 Posted February 21, 2012 Hmm, I don't think it matters either way. I really doubt that inexperienced men have women offering casual sex instead of relationships. Maybe I'm wrong and it's easier to get casual sex than a relationship these days. I have no idea. 1
Author fortyninethousand322 Posted February 21, 2012 Author Posted February 21, 2012 Hmm, I don't think it matters either way. I really doubt that inexperienced men have women offering casual sex instead of relationships. Maybe I'm wrong and it's easier to get casual sex than a relationship these days. I have no idea. I'm not saying he should look for flings, but rather should he be open to them instead of just closing that avenue of life off.
somedude81 Posted February 21, 2012 Posted February 21, 2012 If one hasn't gotten the offer, does it mater whether they are open to it or not? 1
Nightsky Posted February 21, 2012 Posted February 21, 2012 I’ve never dated a woman with the purpose of having a one night stand. All my relationship have started as me just trying to get to know a girl I find beautiful. We’ll go on dates and have sex and at some point if she still likes me and I still like her I’ll ask her to be my gf. So things start off rather playful no titles or “I want a serious relationship” talk till after dating for a while and already having had sex.
somedude81 Posted February 21, 2012 Posted February 21, 2012 Here's the deal. If a woman was offering no strings sex, I'd take it while hoping that I could eventually convince her into a relationship. I'd have no doubt that I'd get attached. but that's a risk I'd be willing to take.
Author fortyninethousand322 Posted February 21, 2012 Author Posted February 21, 2012 Here's the deal. If a woman was offering no strings sex, I'd take it while hoping that I could eventually convince her into a relationship. I'd have no doubt that I'd get attached. but that's a risk I'd be willing to take. That's basically the gist of this thread. Is what you're saying here a good idea? If not, why not?
Nightsky Posted February 21, 2012 Posted February 21, 2012 Here's the deal. If a woman was offering no strings sex, I'd take it while hoping that I could eventually convince her into a relationship. I'd have no doubt that I'd get attached. but that's a risk I'd be willing to take. I think it’s a risk worth taking. For me most of my relationships have involved sex before any form of commitment was made. There have been times where I only had sex with a girl a few times or once and it didn’t work out and that’s hard but well worth the risk. You still have the great memory of the sex though so it isn’t all bad even if things don’t work out.
somedude81 Posted February 21, 2012 Posted February 21, 2012 That's basically the gist of this thread. Is what you're saying here a good idea? If not, why not? I say go for it because it can have the potential of turning into something good. I think it’s a risk worth taking. For me most of my relationships have involved sex before any form of commitment was made. There have been times where I only had sex with a girl a few times or once and it didn’t work out and that’s hard but well worth the risk. You still have the great memory of the sex though so it isn’t all bad even if things don’t work out. Man I'm jealous. I wonder if I've been doing things wrong by not trying to have sex right away?
ptp Posted February 21, 2012 Posted February 21, 2012 My parents are very conservative and didn't allow me to date in HS. Thus, like you I got a pretty late start. Before I got my 1st GF, I had a couple of opportunities to hook up with girls who were acquaintances. Neither was in a position to be my GF and I subconsciously resisted their advances. I don't know why I did, but I know I did it almost like a reflex, without thinking. There are a lot of good logical reasons, not to sleep around casually, you probably know all of these. I'll give you mine which may sound illogical. Being a "late bloomer" my self-esteem wasn't the highest and I knew if I just hooked up with a girl, afterwards my self-esteem would have taken another blow. I didn't want just mechanical sex, I wanted a relationship. Maybe I was lucky that the girl I was with, didn't mind my lack of experience, but I know for me it made everything a lot easier to deal with because we were in a relationship. Now I am a completely different place and could handle a more fleeting experience, but not when I was younger. Anyway, everybody is wired differently, but this is just my story.
Author fortyninethousand322 Posted February 21, 2012 Author Posted February 21, 2012 My parents are very conservative and didn't allow me to date in HS. Thus, like you I got a pretty late start. Before I got my 1st GF, I had a couple of opportunities to hook up with girls who were acquaintances. Neither was in a position to be my GF and I subconsciously resisted their advances. I don't know why I did, but I know I did it almost like a reflex, without thinking. There are a lot of good logical reasons, not to sleep around casually, you probably know all of these. I'll give you mine which may sound illogical. Being a "late bloomer" my self-esteem wasn't the highest and I knew if I just hooked up with a girl, afterwards my self-esteem would have taken another blow. I didn't want just mechanical sex, I wanted a relationship. Maybe I was lucky that the girl I was with, didn't mind my lack of experience, but I know for me it made everything a lot easier to deal with because we were in a relationship. Now I am a completely different place and could handle a more fleeting experience, but not when I was younger. Anyway, everybody is wired differently, but this is just my story. Yeah that's exactly how I feel.
Andy_K Posted February 21, 2012 Posted February 21, 2012 If a guy has absolutely no experience at all, he should focus on whatever the hell he can get. Limiting yourself to seeking one or the other is a sure way to fail to gain any further experience or understanding.
HHC Posted February 21, 2012 Posted February 21, 2012 The issue is self esteem and knowing who you are sexually and romantically. Not the actual experience. 2
Author fortyninethousand322 Posted February 21, 2012 Author Posted February 21, 2012 If a guy has absolutely no experience at all, he should focus on whatever the hell he can get. Limiting yourself to seeking one or the other is a sure way to fail to gain any further experience or understanding. Ok. Sounds logical enough.
InJest Posted February 21, 2012 Posted February 21, 2012 If a guy with no experience gets himself into a casual situation, he's going to get attached and want more.
Author fortyninethousand322 Posted February 21, 2012 Author Posted February 21, 2012 If a guy with no experience gets himself into a casual situation, he's going to get attached and want more. Do you mind elaborating on this?
InJest Posted February 21, 2012 Posted February 21, 2012 I mean that if you aren't used to having sex with people, you are going to get attached to that person that finally does want to have sex with you. He may be fine with it in the beginning, but if the girl decides to see someone else as well or is unwilling to agree to exclusivity, or something like that the guy is going to be really hurt. Since he's already inexperienced, and presumably a bit insecure about it, he's going to take it to heart instead of doing what I would do, which is go find someone else to **** too. I'm 26 and somewhere in the neighborhood of 40 sexual partners. I know that I can find someone else, so I don't take stuff like that to heart unless I really like the girl. Even then, it's not the end of the world for me, as I know it won't take long to get laid again. Someone that doesn't see it the way I do, and thinks that it's so hard to get laid whether it's casually or serious, is going to be much more affected by that rejection and their confidence will take a big hit.
Author fortyninethousand322 Posted February 21, 2012 Author Posted February 21, 2012 I mean that if you aren't used to having sex with people, you are going to get attached to that person that finally does want to have sex with you. He may be fine with it in the beginning, but if the girl decides to see someone else as well or is unwilling to agree to exclusivity, or something like that the guy is going to be really hurt. Since he's already inexperienced, and presumably a bit insecure about it, he's going to take it to heart instead of doing what I would do, which is go find someone else to **** too. I'm 26 and somewhere in the neighborhood of 40 sexual partners. I know that I can find someone else, so I don't take stuff like that to heart unless I really like the girl. Even then, it's not the end of the world for me, as I know it won't take long to get laid again. Someone that doesn't see it the way I do, and thinks that it's so hard to get laid whether it's casually or serious, is going to be much more affected by that rejection and their confidence will take a big hit. I see. So is it a better idea just to focus on relationships, or should such a guy just take his chances with whatever shakes out?
somedude81 Posted February 21, 2012 Posted February 21, 2012 I mean that if you aren't used to having sex with people, you are going to get attached to that person that finally does want to have sex with you. He may be fine with it in the beginning, but if the girl decides to see someone else as well or is unwilling to agree to exclusivity, or something like that the guy is going to be really hurt. Since he's already inexperienced, and presumably a bit insecure about it, he's going to take it to heart That's basically what I said in post #6.
Star Gazer Posted February 21, 2012 Posted February 21, 2012 I would be more likely to date someone with a good amount of relationship experience who was a virgin than a guy who'd had casual sex with one or many women but had no relationship experience. 1
ScreamingTrees Posted February 21, 2012 Posted February 21, 2012 I would be more likely to date someone with a good amount of relationship experience who was a virgin than a guy who'd had casual sex with one or many women but had no relationship experience. This is basically my situation, and it wasn't because the women didn't WANT to have sex with me. I had my own reasons. Maybe that makes me a leper, but honestly, I don't care, because at least I'm getting attention. Some of these guys are so quick to do whatever it takes just to "get it wet", it's kinda sad. It's NOT going to make you any happier, but it might end your irrational obsession with it which would do more to help you in the grand scheme.
Author fortyninethousand322 Posted February 21, 2012 Author Posted February 21, 2012 This is basically my situation, and it wasn't because the women didn't WANT to have sex with me. I had my own reasons. Maybe that makes me a leper, but honestly, I don't care, because at least I'm getting attention. Some of these guys are so quick to do whatever it takes just to "get it wet", it's kinda sad. It's NOT going to make you any happier, but it might end your irrational obsession with it which would do more to help you in the grand scheme. It's not about sex. It's that I would like to find a nice, cool girl to date. I wonder if holding out for a relationship and being completely closed off to even the idea of casual sex is a good idea. Or would it be a better idea to say "I want a relationship but I shouldn't turn down casual sex if that's what ends up happening." You know?
ScreamingTrees Posted February 21, 2012 Posted February 21, 2012 It's not about sex. It's that I would like to find a nice, cool girl to date. I wonder if holding out for a relationship and being completely closed off to even the idea of casual sex is a good idea. Or would it be a better idea to say "I want a relationship but I shouldn't turn down casual sex if that's what ends up happening." You know? Well, if it happens, s'long as you weren't solely looking for that, why not? Maybe adopting this casual mindset could help you loosen up and not worry so much. Maybe that'd ultimately help you around attractive females. I believe that the girl that you claim you're looking for more than likely wouldn't really put that much stock into you being a virgin, if you seem like your average joe in every other way. That's what I sincerely believe, so the sooner you think of it in a positive way, the better. You can't be ashamed of who you are, especially if there's nothing to be ashamed of. That in itself is an attractive quality. To know that there's nothing wrong with you, and to love yourself. That has to happen before anyone else will.
binny Posted February 21, 2012 Posted February 21, 2012 I think this did deserve its own thread. Should a guy who has no relationship history, no sexual history, and who barely dates focus more on trying to get into a relationship, or should he focus more on casual sex and hookups? I feel like many women expect at least some kind of experience in a man (be it sexual or dating/relationship) and most women probably have substantial amount of experience in this arena as well. So, to avoid cheating himself and his future partner(s) should this type of guy just stop being so single minded and just say “to heck with it”? Can casual sex simply be a backdoor way into a relationship (as another poster suggested)? And just for good measure, if you’re a woman around mid twenties, would you rather date a guy who had a few casual flings, or a guy who had never had sex, a girlfriend, or who had never even kissed a girl? Personally, I would prefer to date a guy who was a virgin over one who had had casual flings but that is just me. It probably depends what type of girl you want to be in a relationship with. Some women place a lot of value on sexual experience where as some don't.
Mme. Chaucer Posted February 21, 2012 Posted February 21, 2012 Here's the deal. If a woman was offering no strings sex, I'd take it while hoping that I could eventually convince her into a relationship. I'd have no doubt that I'd get attached. but that's a risk I'd be willing to take. Any old broad? Even a "high numbers" skanky ho?
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