Follower Posted February 21, 2012 Posted February 21, 2012 (edited) First of all glad i found this site, been reading most of the night and its been really good to hear everyone elses story and advice so big thumbs up! So heres my tribulation: I dont know the protocol but to give a full understanding i want to explain how the relationship was what went on and then get into the meat and potatoes. Part 1 The Wonderfull Adventure: About 5 years ago i went to university, met a girl. We started dating pretty much immediatly hell she caught me by suprise id have to say, this is not the kind of attention i have been used to at all so it was great but scared me a lot! (Previous relationships iv had i always felt were very one sided for me and this makes it very difficult for me to be emotionaly available alas i digress.) Within a week we began spent a lot of our time together in my flat at university this was a litteral 1 minute walk from hers but it was more comfortable for me than being in her flat. We still did our own things and socialised untill i got convinced by a flatmate that i should break up with her only a month into the relationship, so after mucho lubrication and convincing i said you know what this guys right. Marching up to her flat i break up with her, shes devistated. I leave her flat ask her flatmates to look after her went down to mine and called my best mate to explain my reasoning. Once the alcohol wares of i realise what an absolute tard i have been and try to make amends. She leaves to her parents i persistantly try for 2 days to get in contact and finaly break through, we get back together everything is amazing. Part 2 The University Bicycle: So after another few months of a truely great relationship i fail university, this is incredibly difficult for me and makes me very wounded emotionaly. I hide the fact i have failed from everyone around me due to the fact i was shamed and afriad of reactions. After much scrambling and pleeding but without reflection and understaning i convince the university to permit me to re-enroll same course same year super i think my problems are all solved. How wrong was i, i still had not opened up or explained to anyone how i was feeling or why instead pawned everyone off with im fine ill deal with it, not how to deal with problems. I get tied up into the same destructive routine of working too much and no study, so yet again i fail. Only recently i realised my next course of action is caused by subconciously thinking, "hey this worked last time itll be fine again!" So i scramble and claw and manage to convince the university to permit me to re-enter but on a different course this time. Let the cycle repeat itself yet again(Talk about not learning from ones mistakes!) So as with everything in life my lust to do well to impress my girl my friends and my family pulls me through university with flying grades, for a while. Then i slip back into the habit of over working not doing university so i start to fail again, then my real kicker comes into play, i turn to gambling as a release.... [This failure at university up untill about a year ago(so 3 years of struggling) has been haunting me constantly and always been a niggle at the back of my mind.] Part 3: Gambling and its effects. Gambling initialy started off as a harmless end to a night of drinking and fun, no big deal or so it would seem. Everything was great i managed to wrap this into my weekly ruitine no problem infact i was fantastic the extra money let me treat my girl and this in turn made me feel even better to see her happy. Untill i started to lose, this is when i discovered i had a small issue letting go of my losses. Now some of you reading may apprechaite this others will not, those of us who are gambling addicts are normally in control of everything in our lives or so we like to believe, gambling to an addict is not a risk, its a thrill with great rewards. An addict calculates the 'risks' only when they lose, they reason them away they like to regain the control this way, and we tell ourselfs we can 'correct the mistakes'. So the money i lost ment i was in real trouble with paying bills and putting put on the table and supplying the life i wanted for the girl i was with. Instead of owning up and seeking help with my problem i hid it(mostly because i didnt believe at the time i had a problem but not the main issue here) My girlfriend new there was an issue but when she questioned me on it i didnt tell her, i wanted to i really did, but the deamons i had held me back from speaking to her or anyone about it, which put real strain on the relationship. Eventualy i explained why there was no money, we got through it, together, but i was and still am to this day very very ashamed of what i did and that part of the problem was never delt with. Part 4 The final Years: So finaly i give up on university and sink into doing jobs i really really hate, but they are not so bad because i always knew i had my now fiance to come home to. We work together and finaly she graduates in her degree, im so proud of her and we discuss what we want to do now. I explain to her that i would love to spend some time back home near my hometown to deal with where i want to go next im life and with my career because i knew i didnt want to work dead end jobs for dead end money my entire life. She agrees we move into my parents while we acrew enough money for a deposit, she gets a part time job to help with the money. After a few hard months(and make no mistake living at anyones parents as a couple is very very difficult its suffocating for a relationship!) we get a flat together. As it turnd out she was very very unhappy, and i didnt reconise when she was trying to tell me this, i didnt reconise the signs when she was saying are you happy? I thought she ment with her, so of course i would reply, yes yes i am, because i was, but she was not. I thought this was due to the flat and money problems(which we were still working through). Part 5 The last month together: So the relationship begins to break down, i thought we were working up to a fight turns out she was working up to a breakup. I started sleeping in the other room because i frankly was not confortable sleeping in the same bed with her when she was so cold towards me it was unsettling. She begins to spend a lot of time interacting with people online in games i had introduced her to, also thought nothing of it quite the opposite i thought finaly shes making friends she can talk to and taking an interest in the games i like to play, turns out she was escaping from being around me. A week before the break up she goes home to visit the family she asks me to come along i explain i cant due to working commitments, she complains which is fair enough and goes home. She returns from the visit home and suddenly the relationship breaks down 100% she tells me she wants to move home i tell her thats fine but we have to wait till the lease is up, she agrees this is acceptable. 1 day later she turns to me and brings up wanting to go home alone without me, i tell her this is unaccetable, i have a great fear of people wanting long distance relationships they have always ended in heartbreak for me and i put down the ultimatum that if she goes home without me i consider the relationship over she says she knows we comprimise wth going home to her family together at the end of the next week so i could arange time off. The next evening i come home after working a 14 hour shift without a break we were ran off our feet at work its around 1 am in the morning, i go into the bed room to make amends [Not inuendo!](unbenounced to her of course). Standing in the doorway im taken by shock as she is still awake then the killer lines. "Hi honey" "Hi, im leaving" "Sorry what?" "Im leaving" "Today?" "yes" "without me?" "yes" "you realise i said id consider the relationship over?" "yes" I turn and walk out the door into the living room. Now all of the following i regret completely this is how NOT to handle a breakup. I immediatly pick up the phone and start talking to my best mate and explain what is going on, im in a rage totaly taken by shock. I opened a bottle of champagne we had purchased for us when we moved in and begin drinking im furious upset and very very confused. The night is spent with her coming into the room in tears and me pushing her away telling her to leave me alone and that she no longer had the right to ask if i was ok, which is really the opposite of what i want. In the morning she packs the car and drives the 100 mile trip home, she takes all her valuables all the pictures of us ect, i dont stop her tho i wanted to. she leaves in the flat clothes books and items of that nature. I arrange with her on the phone for her to pick up her belongings. We agree a week from the day she moved out. This week is spent in turmoil for me i am scrambling to get her back, she as is the practical norm these days blocked me and my entire family and our shared friends on facebook(in hindsight a good move by her) but we stay in contact via phone and MSN. I spend the week in a mix of emtions trying to get over her while still desperatly wanting to get her back dispite knows it will never happen! The end of the week comes which felt like months, I have her items packed already for her as i was past the initial shock and still wanted to do right by her as much as i was permitted. She is in and out withing around 20 minutes. Me and my mates go out to drink and party. Its now been exactly 1 month and 12 days since we broke up. I have been trying my damdest to move on, we have been out of contact for over a month now. Every single waking moment is spent with thoughts of her what i have lost how much i missed the signs and how bad things got towards the end for her. I know that its over i know she will never contact me again and i will never see her again but my god all i can think about is her. Im seeing or supposed to be seeing this lovely girl from my work she likes me soo much but i just cannot bring myself to surrender my ex-fiance in my heart and allow this new girl in. Even when im with this new girl all i can think about is the old one and i really really dont want to be, its screwing me up, i am screwed up and i have been trying so hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel and im working everyday to improve myself and move on. Its very very difficult because all i want is one last chance, and she has given me so many i cannot bring myself to ask for this one but its all i want. I truely love her and i only want the best for her which is why im letting her go, because i would with greati intention try but i dont think i can give her what she wants. Thank you for taking the time to read this essay. writing it has helped me not call her today, now all i have to do is try and get to sleep without thinking of her. Any comments, advice ect would be welcome. Edited February 21, 2012 by Follower
Bradly Posted March 16, 2012 Posted March 16, 2012 Hi Follower! I've read your first post a couple of times and didn't know how to respond and thought the best thing i could do was bump your post. But I feel you are my biggest "following" lol... It's clear we both a lot in common.. both paid a large part in causing a lot of our own problems. Both, hurting and want to fix what went wrong. I feel your pain.. I don't know about you but I'm starting to realize that it will never be the same again... She's moving on... We need to except that.. It's hard to let go, but I am actually happier when I'm not thinking about her. rare as it is , it's starting to happen for me, I know I'm a good handsome guy and there's someone else out there who will apprieate that someday... Good luck bud!
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