sad violet Posted February 21, 2012 Posted February 21, 2012 I have been reading an excellent thread on LS regarding expectations in marriage. I think my disillusionment is because what I want/expect is not totally in line with what I'm getting. I will be the first to admit I've got an amazing guy. He treats me very well and I like to think I do the same. However since some things have happened between us (for which he has apologized) and some habits of his I just have a hard time accepting STILL bother me, my interest in the relationship and attraction to him have waned significantly. Bottom line is I am no longer IN love with him and my interest in sex is less than zero. Yes, I am under tremendous stress from financial issues, an aging parent, work...But, sex is not a stress reliever for me as it is him. Like the OP in the other thread, it's his way to connect with me. MY pleasure feeds his pleasure. But, I could easily do a crossword puzzle instead. This really doesn't mean (to me) that I don't love him. But, I understand that is how it feels to him. It would feel that way to me too, I guess... We both travel frequently for work. So when we are at home at the same time I know it will always entail having sex. I always oblige and yes at this point I feel it is an obligation. I, however, do not lie there like a corpse. I participate and do everything he likes. He asked me what I did when we were apart to 'take care of myself.' The bottom line is he found me out and the answer is I DON'T have a burning desire for him and can't wait to rip his clothes off. I am not there right now - maybe not anymore. It's not pity sex. I am trying to be a good partner and fulfill his needs. But, mine aren't being met in the sense that I want to feel emotional connection. That went out the door with the porn use (not an addiction or anything or the sort). But that it was always in my face and I caught him 'priming the pump' before I got home one day...That was a turn off and still stuck in my craw with a few other things. I don't like feeling this way. He WANTS to fulfill my Love Language. But I resist because we disagree about practically everything under the sun and I am left feeling like, "Here we go again. What's the point?" Yes, it's fine to disagree and have your own opinions. It would just be nice to feel like I had someone on MY team and we shard *some* views toward a common goal to make me feel more attached. I sometimes feel more alone than I did when I was single. I want to have a deep friendship, connection and passion for him. How do I get this back? I am acting in loving ways, but the feelings are not following. I don't want to throw away what is all right for nothing. I want him to be happy and feel wanted. Even though I don't want sex, I do it. How do I get out of this rut?
Follower Posted February 21, 2012 Posted February 21, 2012 Does he know this is how you feel about sex?
giotto Posted February 21, 2012 Posted February 21, 2012 It might never come back... I'm in a similar situation (fallen out of love with my wife - it's a long story) and things are much better but I don't seem to be able to turn the switch back on, as hard as I try. I would say: try and think about your relationship, as it was at the beginning and the reasons why you loved this man and got married to him. It works with me sometimes...
denise_xo Posted February 21, 2012 Posted February 21, 2012 You said you're under tremendous stress, and IME that's a huge libido killer. Is there anything you can do to create less stress in your life? And more generally, perhaps the two of you should consider some MC?
JazzyFox Posted February 22, 2012 Posted February 22, 2012 whats wrong with porn? if you watch it together, maybe then you will be emotionally connected?
KathyM Posted February 22, 2012 Posted February 22, 2012 You need to let that resentment go and let the past be in the past. It's not like he cheated and your trust is now gone. You caught him masturbating to porn. Although that's not a good thing, it shouldn't be a relationship killer if it's not a habit. You need to let that go. You need to find ways to reconnect with your husband. Cultivate hobbies and interests that you could share with your husband. Arrange a date night every week. And put some effort into your sex life. Explore new ways of turning each other on, and rekindle that sexual attraction you once had. Sex is very important to men, and that is how they feel connected with you. Don't let that slide. Show that you are interested in a sexual relationship with him. He needs that from you. You can rekindle your feelings for him if you try. But you have to make time for your relationship. It's supposed to be a priority in your life--not your job, not your children. Your marriage is supposed to be the #1 priority in your life.
JazzyFox Posted February 22, 2012 Posted February 22, 2012 Sure, Adam, she could just pack her bags and go looking for someone else. But this posting reeks of latent judeo-christian guilttrips on how one should express their sexuality. Imagine, to be offended because her dear husband "was priming his pump" LOL! When my husband is doing the same, I get completely turned on. She wants sex in only one format: sweet and romantic. But the beauty of sex is its multiple formats: sometimes sweet, sometimes salty, sometimes overcooked and sometimes raw. :love: I think she needs to open her horizons and see other forms of love and sex. Porn might help.
standtall Posted February 22, 2012 Posted February 22, 2012 Violet, I agree with the OP's here..this is not about sex. In addition to what they have already said, I think you're suffering from some stress related depression.
Lostinlife4now Posted February 22, 2012 Posted February 22, 2012 Hi Sad violet! May I ask...are you pre-menopausal or menopausal? It kills any sex drive you may have once had...and then everything else that you have going on?? Come on, cut yourself some slack!!! I think the passion of what we think a sex life should be with our partner wanes in the latter stages of marriage. Then life kicks in.... You have quite alot on your plate....but if the relationship is solid everywhere else..and yes sex is an important part of it....relax, and tell him you don't feel like it just right now. Don't let him hold you hostage, then you are REALLY GOING TO HATE HIM being near you!!! Just ask him for some space.... I have girlfriends who have not had sex with their husbands for 10 years and they are still together just not in that way! I know sounds strange, but it works for them.
Author sad violet Posted February 23, 2012 Author Posted February 23, 2012 Does he know this is how you feel about sex? He knows that I'm tired and stressed and this affects how I feel about everything. It might never come back... I'm in a similar situation (fallen out of love with my wife - it's a long story) and things are much better but I don't seem to be able to turn the switch back on, as hard as I try. I would say: try and think about your relationship, as it was at the beginning and the reasons why you loved this man and got married to him. It works with me sometimes... Giotto, I read the entire thread of Blue Knight's in which you provided many responses to his posts and shared some of your experience. I kinda feel like I know you I am taking your advice about remembering the beginning and appreciating everything. I've certainly had more good than bad with him. I am happy to say, I think it's working. I think I am seriously depressed and that casts a heavy shadow on my feelings about everything and everyone. I hope you (and I) can allow ourselves to be vulnerable again and accept the love our partners give us.
Author sad violet Posted February 23, 2012 Author Posted February 23, 2012 This relationsip is dead. Move on in life. It's the best thing for both of you. You can 'work' on it all you want but that's just delaying the inevitable. As for the comment on a sexless marriage. ???? Doesn't the HEALTHY urges of this guy not matter? Sex is central to a healthy male's life. It's not a sideshow like football or having a beer. I suppose she could put a hooker on retainer for him to use a few times a week. 10 to 1 a lot of the passion left this gal's being when she started to see normal male fantasies as somehow weird. instead of going over and giving him oral when she caught him looking at porn, she acted like it was 'dirty'. Instant communication barrier goes up. Best 'to pretend' your guy doesn't have urges, hint ..best to help him play out his fantasies. And no you have NOT been a willing partner. He's not opening up what he'd really like sexually from a partner....he'll never feel comfortable telling you because you don't allow him to be vulnerable. 'Jazzyfox' above has some wise words. No, Yukon, you are wrong on many counts. My relationship isn't dead. I have a LOT of passion, but it's being sapped by a lot of heavy things going on in my life right now. I don't think my man is weird. Very funny how you miss an entire part of a post (stress, depression) and focus on what would be important to the average man. I can say my man is WAY above average. He is truly one in a million. He is very open with me and that is one of the reasons I love him. I have been a willing partner. You can never know the full nuances and depth of giving between two people from a post on a forum. We do things we both like because we DO talk about sex and gosh darn it, even have it! I hardly think porn is dirty. I've probably consumed more of it in my past than he could ever hope to. His urges (and my feelings) are tied together because of our covenant with each other.
Author sad violet Posted February 23, 2012 Author Posted February 23, 2012 Hi Sad violet! May I ask...are you pre-menopausal or menopausal? It kills any sex drive you may have once had...and then everything else that you have going on?? Come on, cut yourself some slack!!! I think the passion of what we think a sex life should be with our partner wanes in the latter stages of marriage. Then life kicks in.... You have quite alot on your plate....but if the relationship is solid everywhere else..and yes sex is an important part of it....relax, and tell him you don't feel like it just right now. Don't let him hold you hostage, then you are REALLY GOING TO HATE HIM being near you!!! Just ask him for some space.... I have girlfriends who have not had sex with their husbands for 10 years and they are still together just not in that way! I know sounds strange, but it works for them. Hi, Lost! I am older, so I am sure my hormones are not helping the situation. Life hasn't only kicked in right now. I feel like I'm being kicked in the teeth daily. I have to say he's not holding me hostage. He is the most amazing guy, but I sometimes remember the hurt more than the good. Couple that with depression and stress, sex feels like one more thing on the list from one more person wanting something from me when I have nothing to give myself. I WANT to have a happy, healthy sex life with him like we did when we first met. I am working on ME and changing my perspective. Slow and steady wins the race, yes?
Author sad violet Posted February 23, 2012 Author Posted February 23, 2012 You said you're under tremendous stress, and IME that's a huge libido killer. Is there anything you can do to create less stress in your life? And more generally, perhaps the two of you should consider some MC? Denise, the problem really is mine. He's happy as a lark. I am taking active steps to try to alleviate some of the stress. But, I think it's a slow climb uphill for me in some regards to feeling sexy and 'all in' again more so because sex (at this point in my life) is NOT a stress reliever. I used to masturbate frequently and even (gasp!) watch porn myself. But my life changed; I changed. I do think we need to work on our communication and we are doing that, which should help me with feeling more connected. I (like Giotto) fear being vulnerable again because I don't want to be hurt by him again. And it has WAY more to do with other things than porn, believe me.
Author sad violet Posted February 23, 2012 Author Posted February 23, 2012 IMO, this isn't about sex at all. It's about resentment. You resent him for the porn use, amongst other things. Nothing is going to change about your attraction to him until you deal with the resentment. So... when you consider that things could always be much, much, much worse, are the things you resent about him deal breakers? If they are not, then look at the things you love about him, and nurture those thoughts and feelings. If the things you resent about him are things you just don't see yourself tolerating 10 years down the line, i.e. deal breakers, then you are better off going at it alone. You can't be attracted to someone that you resent. You are absolutely right. I think my mental state right now makes it phenomenally easier for me to look at the negative things in our relationship instead of being grateful for all the good things. I know some things about him I will never love or even like. But, I can only take it one day at a time, mourn for the things that I wish were different and move on with more love than animosity.
Author sad violet Posted February 23, 2012 Author Posted February 23, 2012 Why on earth would you even try to continue to keep a man in a relationship with you, when you admit that you have zero sexual attraction for him? Just break up with him and go screw your brains out with the guy you've been seeing behind his back. This is so juvenile, it doesn't even deserve a response.
Author sad violet Posted February 23, 2012 Author Posted February 23, 2012 Sure, Adam, she could just pack her bags and go looking for someone else. But this posting reeks of latent judeo-christian guilttrips on how one should express their sexuality. Not true. Imagine, to be offended because her dear husband "was priming his pump" LOL! When my husband is doing the same, I get completely turned on. That's good for you. She wants sex in only one format: sweet and romantic. But the beauty of sex is its multiple formats: sometimes sweet, sometimes salty, sometimes overcooked and sometimes raw. :love: I think she needs to open her horizons and see other forms of love and sex. Porn might help. Totally off the mark. Not going to comment any further.
Author sad violet Posted February 23, 2012 Author Posted February 23, 2012 You need to let that resentment go and let the past be in the past. It's not like he cheated and your trust is now gone. You caught him masturbating to porn. Although that's not a good thing, it shouldn't be a relationship killer if it's not a habit. You need to let that go. You need to find ways to reconnect with your husband. Cultivate hobbies and interests that you could share with your husband. Arrange a date night every week. And put some effort into your sex life. Explore new ways of turning each other on, and rekindle that sexual attraction you once had. Sex is very important to men, and that is how they feel connected with you. Don't let that slide. Show that you are interested in a sexual relationship with him. He needs that from you. You can rekindle your feelings for him if you try. But you have to make time for your relationship. It's supposed to be a priority in your life--not your job, not your children. Your marriage is supposed to be the #1 priority in your life. Kathy, thank you for your insight. I could care less if he masturbates to porn or our next door neighbor (when I am feeling really resentful). Part of me is apathetic. I have sex BECAUSE it makes him happy. I find no joy or connection from it. I am working on it. We do all of those things: date night, I dress up for him, do things I have no interest in. Sometimes I feel like a robot because I'm on auto-pilot from exhaustion, depression and stress PLUS I don't feel an emotional connection in the way *I* need. MY needs are important too. I am like Giotto in so many ways. People ARE who they are. I want to change and I can only work on me. Either I accept things as they are because I can't hope and pray that he (or I) will be significantly different than we are now, or I walk. Wanna work on it/me, but sometimes I'm just too tired to care. However, I NEVER say no. His complaint is my lack of interest when we aren't together.
Author sad violet Posted February 23, 2012 Author Posted February 23, 2012 Violet, I agree with the OP's here..this is not about sex. In addition to what they have already said, I think you're suffering from some stress related depression. I think some of it is related to sex and how I don't see things as I used to when we first met. But, I think 90% of what drives my feelings about him and sex are stress/depression.
giotto Posted February 23, 2012 Posted February 23, 2012 I'll do my best, sad violet... the other day I found some old photos of us, when we were young and beautiful , and that helped too... it's a slow process... as far as your depression is concerned, I think it's pretty normal to get depressed in these situations. I was depressed too and ADs helped a lot, but I understand they are not everyone's cup of tea. I've been off them for over 3 years now and it's great to be able to feel "normal" again. Maybe you need some Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), to allow you to think positively and recover some optimism... I never had any CBT, but I'm forcing myself to think positively and look at the brighter side of life and it helps... He knows that I'm tired and stressed and this affects how I feel about everything. Giotto, I read the entire thread of Blue Knight's in which you provided many responses to his posts and shared some of your experience. I kinda feel like I know you I am taking your advice about remembering the beginning and appreciating everything. I've certainly had more good than bad with him. I am happy to say, I think it's working. I think I am seriously depressed and that casts a heavy shadow on my feelings about everything and everyone. I hope you (and I) can allow ourselves to be vulnerable again and accept the love our partners give us.
JazzyFox Posted February 23, 2012 Posted February 23, 2012 Surprising, sadviolet, how many of us posters got the same impression from your post. I guess we were all wrong. But perhaps there is a muted truth in your original post that we are focusing on. The main points of your thread seem to be: - overall depression and high stress/anxiety level due to issues not related to the marriage - low sexual desire overall, and for your husband - disdain for your husbands sexual desire, and for his use of porn/masturbation - inability to communicate effectively with your partner, and reluctance to engage in conflict resolution I have extracted the elements of your original post that highlight these points. While your latter posts try to refocus the issue on your non-sexual issues, highlighting your own use of porn and masturbation in the past ... I believe your original post was probably closer to the muted truth, as it was unbiaised by our posts. Maybe you feel ashamed or embarassed about your own lack of desire, prudish behaviour, and inability to relate to your husband and are afraid to admit it. However since some things have happened between us (for which he has apologized) and some habits of his I just have a hard time accepting STILL bother me, my interest in the relationship and attraction to him have waned significantly. Bottom line is I am no longer IN love with him and my interest in sex is less than zero. Yes, I am under tremendous stress from financial issues, an aging parent, work... The bottom line is he found me out and the answer is I DON'T have a burning desire for him and can't wait to rip his clothes off. I am not there right now - maybe not anymore. It's not pity sex. I am trying to be a good partner and fulfill his needs. But, mine aren't being met in the sense that I want to feel emotional connection. That went out the door with the porn use (not an addiction or anything or the sort). But that it was always in my face and I caught him 'priming the pump' before I got home one day...That was a turn off and still stuck in my craw with a few other things. I don't like feeling this way. He WANTS to fulfill my Love Language. But I resist because we disagree about practically everything under the sun and I am left feeling like, "Here we go again. What's the point?" Even though I don't want sex, I do it. How do I get out of this rut? I'm sure most of us on LS have dealt with some form of depression, directly or indirectly, and we can somewhat relate. I know I can. If it is clinical, then you need to consult a doctor and perhaps get some meds (which will affect your libido, sorry). Perhaps you need therapy. Have you considered sex therapy? Or perhaps tantric sex? Are you physically active enough? Physical activity will pump your body of endorphins and will make you feel better, and more willing to participate in sexual activities with your husband. Do you have a common activity or hobby that takes your mind away from whatever is stressing you? Bottom line, I think, for whatever it is worth, that you need to get out of your head. Through whatever means possible, yoga, running, meditation, rockclimbing. Reconnect with your physical self. Reconnect with the present moment. And, then, of course, reconnect with your husband. Life is short. Make every second count.
Negative Nancy Posted February 23, 2012 Posted February 23, 2012 IMO, this isn't about sex at all. It's about resentment. You resent him for the porn use, amongst other things. Nothing is going to change about your attraction to him until you deal with the resentment. [...] You can't be attracted to someone that you resent. I agree with this. Resentment and stress are two toxic agents.
Author sad violet Posted February 23, 2012 Author Posted February 23, 2012 Surprising, sadviolet, how many of us posters got the same impression from your post. I guess we were all wrong. But perhaps there is a muted truth in your original post that we are focusing on. The main points of your thread seem to be: - overall depression and high stress/anxiety level due to issues not related to the marriage - low sexual desire overall, and for your husband - disdain for your husbands sexual desire, and for his use of porn/masturbation - inability to communicate effectively with your partner, and reluctance to engage in conflict resolution I have extracted the elements of your original post that highlight these points. While your latter posts try to refocus the issue on your non-sexual issues, highlighting your own use of porn and masturbation in the past ... I believe your original post was probably closer to the muted truth, as it was unbiaised by our posts. Maybe you feel ashamed or embarassed about your own lack of desire, prudish behaviour, and inability to relate to your husband and are afraid to admit it. I'm sure most of us on LS have dealt with some form of depression, directly or indirectly, and we can somewhat relate. I know I can. If it is clinical, then you need to consult a doctor and perhaps get some meds (which will affect your libido, sorry). Perhaps you need therapy. Have you considered sex therapy? Or perhaps tantric sex? Are you physically active enough? Physical activity will pump your body of endorphins and will make you feel better, and more willing to participate in sexual activities with your husband. Do you have a common activity or hobby that takes your mind away from whatever is stressing you? Bottom line, I think, for whatever it is worth, that you need to get out of your head. Through whatever means possible, yoga, running, meditation, rockclimbing. Reconnect with your physical self. Reconnect with the present moment. And, then, of course, reconnect with your husband. Life is short. Make every second count. Thank you for your insight. You are still wrong on a few counts. I am not a prude. And perhaps I wouldn't have been so irritated by his porn use if he was priming the pump before I got home when we hadn't seen each other for 2 weeks. If my having sex with him when I don't want to or feel like it is pity sex, as some would say, what was that? He didn't need me. He should have finished with his hand. HE is unhappy because my desire for him has waned, if not disappeared. The above episode contributed to that a bit, as well as subsequent things that happened between us. I think it is the non-sexual issues (communication problems, general disconnection, and ambivalence on my part, etc.) that makes me not want sex and not need sex and caused me to lose attraction to him. The depression just makes it that much worse. When we met, I was all about it. His porn use still happens and I'm not naive enough to believe it will ever stop. It's changed and I have changed. I just don't see him or us the same way... He wants the lusting and "I can't wait to rip your clothes off" that Blue Knight (in another thread) wanted. As all husbands want. I'm not there anymore. I don't believe a LOT of women have that after babies, daily stress, etc. Not every woman can be instantly ready for the jackhammer after a difficult day. Love is great, but it ain't enough to make me wanna spread my legs when I am upset. However, I DO to please him because I know how important it is to him. If I didn't do that, this post would read very differently. I am active. We have a few hobbies we do together when we are together. Work is just a beast for both of us right now. Whereas sex takes his mind off work, etc. It's just another damn thing on my list. I am tired. I am stressed and putting your penis in my mouth doesn't seem all that appealing right now. I do love and care about him. But my disdain is for certain behaviorS that changed how I see and interact with him. That is something I could more easily manage if I weren't depressed, I believe.
Author sad violet Posted February 23, 2012 Author Posted February 23, 2012 I agree with this. Resentment and stress are two toxic agents. Believe me, do I know!!
Author sad violet Posted February 23, 2012 Author Posted February 23, 2012 I'll do my best, sad violet... the other day I found some old photos of us, when we were young and beautiful , and that helped too... it's a slow process... as far as your depression is concerned, I think it's pretty normal to get depressed in these situations. I was depressed too and ADs helped a lot, but I understand they are not everyone's cup of tea. I've been off them for over 3 years now and it's great to be able to feel "normal" again. Maybe you need some Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), to allow you to think positively and recover some optimism... I never had any CBT, but I'm forcing myself to think positively and look at the brighter side of life and it helps... OMG, G! I was looking at photos of us from a few years ago last week and they really made me see into the happiness of the past. I'm glad you are taking active steps and thinking about how to reconnect and trust your wife again. I am going to take your advice regarding STOPPING myself from latching onto the negative and (honestly) wrong thoughts I have. It's a nicer place to be -- in the arms of your honey when they are truly back in your heart. Good luck, my friend and please keep me posted!
giotto Posted February 24, 2012 Posted February 24, 2012 OMG, G! I was looking at photos of us from a few years ago last week and they really made me see into the happiness of the past. I'm glad you are taking active steps and thinking about how to reconnect and trust your wife again. I am going to take your advice regarding STOPPING myself from latching onto the negative and (honestly) wrong thoughts I have. It's a nicer place to be -- in the arms of your honey when they are truly back in your heart. Good luck, my friend and please keep me posted! Good to hear... but it's a bit difficult to give you more advice because we don't really know what exactly you don't like about your partner. You say there are things you dislike about him. But what are they? What has he done to make you lose your attraction towards him? Maybe you can't tell us, but I was wondering...
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