why bother lavishly prasing someone while dumping them?

[my body is a cage]

i made another thread about my recent sitatuon here:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/313248-dumped-will-he-back-2.html

 

my question is - whats the point of praising someone lavishly during a breakup? is it just a ploy for the dumper to feel less mean? if the dumper really felt those things, wouldn't s/he want to be in the relationship?

 

is "it got too serious" just code for "you were too clingy"? would someone go to the trouble of saying "things would be different at a different time" if they didn't mean it?

[BewitchedandBothered]

He doesn't want to feel like the bad guy and will say what he thinks to cushion the blow. The fact that he says you were too serious leads me to believe he wants to play the field. I've also heard "in another time we would have been married"-that pissed me off so much, I came back with "yes, and I would have filed for divorce soon after". Keep your head high and don't look back.

[my body is a cage]

He doesn't want to feel like the bad guy and will say what he thinks to cushion the blow. The fact that he says you were too serious leads me to believe he wants to play the field. I've also heard "in another time we would have been married"-that pissed me off so much, I came back with "yes, and I would have filed for divorce soon after". Keep your head high and don't look back.

 

hey, thanks for your reply. i know he does want to play the field - he recently got out of a very long very troubled relationship in which he was dishonest. he called me "beautiful, very intelligent, tsteful and generally fun" but said things had gotten more serious and he wasnt ready for something more serious with anyone bc he was still "invested" in his ex. he said after being dishonest with her for so long he couldnt keep being dishonest with me, but that at another time things would have been totally different....

 

the letter he wrote me was very intense and felt very sincere, and objectively he does have issues that would preclude him from having a "more serious" relationship. i tend to feel that if someone wanted to be with someone they would be - in this scenario, though, its actually logical that he cannot. is it ever true that its the situation that is the problem? im naturally suspicious of the whole "its not you, its me" thing. i don't know how much is him not being ready, and how much is him being "just not that into me." its confusing that he slew out such heavy compliments and then said but i can't be w you. ugh.

[coltsfan1]

He doesn't want to feel like the bad guy and will say what he thinks to cushion the blow. The fact that he says you were too serious leads me to believe he wants to play the field. I've also heard "in another time we would have been married"-that pissed me off so much, I came back with "yes, and I would have filed for divorce soon after". Keep your head high and don't look back.

 

just saying, lol

[Jono85]

hey, thanks for your reply. i know he does want to play the field - he recently got out of a very long very troubled relationship in which he was dishonest. he called me "beautiful, very intelligent, tsteful and generally fun" but said things had gotten more serious and he wasnt ready for something more serious with anyone bc he was still "invested" in his ex. he said after being dishonest with her for so long he couldnt keep being dishonest with me, but that at another time things would have been totally different....

 

the letter he wrote me was very intense and felt very sincere, and objectively he does have issues that would preclude him from having a "more serious" relationship. i tend to feel that if someone wanted to be with someone they would be - in this scenario, though, its actually logical that he cannot. is it ever true that its the situation that is the problem? im naturally suspicious of the whole "its not you, its me" thing. i don't know how much is him not being ready, and how much is him being "just not that into me." its confusing that he slew out such heavy compliments and then said but i can't be w you. ugh.

 

IMO, ppl don't have to be lying when they say those things about you, as they dump you. Don't get me wrong, he wouldn't let you go if he really wanted to be with you right now. He doesn't. BUT, that doesn't mean he doesn't think you're all those things. I've said some great things to a girl I broke up with, and totally meant all of them. That doesn't mean she was the one for me. Be glad you are now free to find that guy who is right for you, and you can start the next chapter of your life.

[Graceful]

i made another thread about my recent sitatuon here:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/313248-dumped-will-he-back-2.html

 

my question is - whats the point of praising someone lavishly during a breakup? is it just a ploy for the dumper to feel less mean? if the dumper really felt those things, wouldn't s/he want to be in the relationship?

 

is "it got too serious" just code for "you were too clingy"? would someone go to the trouble of saying "things would be different at a different time" if they didn't mean it?

 

Not sure I understand your attitude.

 

What would you have preferred? A mean, nasty, critical, destructive send-off?

 

Count your blessings that your ex thinks well of you and broke off on a kind, sincere note. Everyone doesn't hate the person they are breaking up with, sometimes there really are no hard feelings, every relationship is not meant to last forever and it takes courage to end a relationship that just doesn't "feel right" and the dumper knows it's time to end it.

 

I've broken off relationships with perfectly nice guys and never wanted to hurt them. Just because they weren't right for me, doesn't mean they were lacking as people. Maybe your ex was trying to do the same for you, because he wants you to know he thinks well of you, despite the breakup.

 

Again, count your blessings and don't go manufacturing more reasons to feel badly. Your ex had class. Respond in kind.

[my body is a cage]

I do appreciate and respect the way he handled things, and I'm glad he was honest about his feelings. I have acted in kind - I thanked him and said I understood and was sad but would manage.

 

Obviously he doesn't want to be with me, as he broke up with me... he said this was due to his circumstance, not due to me. Still, I feel rejected, and am wondering if he said this to sugar-coat the situation and in actuality just wasn't interested in me.