ThatDudeXO Posted February 21, 2012 Posted February 21, 2012 What the title asks. I'm sick of crying and being heartbroken over someone who doesn't wanna be with me. I've been avoid this girl who wants to be an FWB but I was scared that it was too early but now I realise my ex isnt coming back any time soon. Would you recommend it!?
esteem-jam Posted February 21, 2012 Posted February 21, 2012 Your confidence may take another punch when this new partner reconsiders and rejects you later. If you think you can take that punch, go. If not- take things slowly. You will see people say here that one person in FWB rel. always suffers.
smoke_n_mirrors Posted February 21, 2012 Posted February 21, 2012 Hi! I'm sorry to hear that you're having a rough time. I have been in a similar situation and to be honest, I wouldn't recommend it...yet. However, please remember this is just my personal input and you could be totally different! I was FWB with someone a few months after my long term relationship of 3.5 years ended. I wasn't ready. I was still hurting and emotionally vulnerable. I took whatever kindness and interest this person showed me as 'legit' and totally got hooked to them, their body and the sex. I got attached. I would get heartbroken if I never heard from him, and the sex was always on HIS terms. We stopped hanging out like friends (movies, shopping, activities, etc) and just had sex whenever we hung out. He even cut out cuddling! He was a blanket/bed hog and it was just awful. I regretted it every.single. time. I kid you not! The sex wasn't even that great and I just kept coming back for more and more because I was still broken up inside. It got to the point that it wasn't fun any more and I realized how unhappy I was and called it quits. I am not lying when I say I felt almost 85% better right after denying him, having sex and the situation I was addicted to. Later on, when I put myself together again and was feeling so much better about myself, I realized I didn't really want to date. Being single was so much fun. However, I met a great guy who I clicked with and we were both in a similar mindset of just hanging out, screwing around occasionally and just having fun. And I really had fun! We stopped when we both met other people and we still see each other occasionally at familiar bars or friends houses and it's not awkward at all. He has a gf actually and she's super nice. But my main point is...I think you should wait. Sex tends to over complicate things FAST and if you're not feeling all that great about yourself and life in general, it could end up pretty toxic. Go with your gut. If she can make you happy and won't use or abuse you, try it. Remember, someone might get attached and it might get ugly. Best of luck!
CarrieT Posted February 21, 2012 Posted February 21, 2012 I tried the FWB a number of times after a breakup and I don't recommend it. You are looking to replace hurt with desire and I'm afraid it just doesn't work. You will still have hurt and -- more than likely -- feel worse about the hook-up because it isn't a solid, positive relationship... Wait until you are healed...
norajane Posted February 21, 2012 Posted February 21, 2012 FWB's are tricky and often unpredictable. Any time you are having sex with another person, that relationship will come with its own challenges and issues. I'm afraid there is no real way around it - you have to go through the heartbreak to get over it. An FWB might paint over it a little, in the moment, but the heartbreak will still be underneath and will take even longer to get over. Deal with the damage of heartbreak now and get healthy now, so you don't end up with a series of issues from a string of bad relationships.
ScienceGal Posted February 21, 2012 Posted February 21, 2012 Would you recommend it!? Never. There are no shortcuts in healing. Make good choices, it's the only way. 1
Million.to.1 Posted February 21, 2012 Posted February 21, 2012 I think it depends on your age, How long since your break-up, how well you know this potential FWB, and how you are feeling about being single. I think many FWB situations fail because one person thinks that they have to act like an ******* so the other person doesn't get attached. You both need to be on the same page and make sure you stay on it. There are plenty of factors that could complicate things, and feelings could easily get hurt, but it could also be fun and light and helpful in moving on. Only go ahead if you can keep it occasional and everything is out in the open with each other about where you stand. Make the most of the time you do hook-up, indulge, eat, drink, play and laugh and get those elements of connection and intimacy you miss with a g'friend/ b'friend, but try not to let start eating in to other aspects of your life. As long as everyone is open and honest and you are mature enough to handle any potential problems, then I say go for it. FWB situations can be great. I have had one that has been off and on for 16 years. We have recently reconnected after my last break-up, and it has given me the well needed boost I was after. I was feeling really low and was blaming myself and this has reminded me of all the good things i bring to the table in a relationship that my ex never valued. I'm not 100% ready to start dating, and getting to know new people, so and old close friend is perfect right now. It's just relaxed and easy and perfect.
norajane Posted February 21, 2012 Posted February 21, 2012 FWB situations can be great. I have had one that has been off and on for 16 years. We have recently reconnected after my last break-up, and it has given me the well needed boost I was after. I was feeling really low and was blaming myself and this has reminded me of all the good things i bring to the table in a relationship that my ex never valued. I'm not 100% ready to start dating, and getting to know new people, so and old close friend is perfect right now. It's just relaxed and easy and perfect. 16 years? Have you considered that she might be "the one"? Relaxed and easy and perfect with great sex sounds pretty good, don't you think?
Million.to.1 Posted February 21, 2012 Posted February 21, 2012 16 years? Have you considered that she might be "the one"? Relaxed and easy and perfect with great sex sounds pretty good, don't you think? Haha... well, yes, "He" maybe. I guess we shall have to wait and see.
wilsonx Posted February 21, 2012 Posted February 21, 2012 (edited) 16 years? Have you considered that she might be "the one"? Relaxed and easy and perfect with great sex sounds pretty good, don't you think? I call this a string! I had an emotional string like this for several years when dating/relationships ended. Theres a deep seeded reason why that person is just a "FWB." You just have to discover why on your own. Edited February 21, 2012 by wilsonx
stitch702 Posted February 21, 2012 Posted February 21, 2012 I'd say Yes and No. At the emotional state that you are in, the FWB will not work because you will constantly be thinking about your ex while you are having sex. You will begin to miss that level of intimacy you had with your ex and long for your ex even more. Until you are over your ex to a point I believe that the FWB situation will in fact hurt you. Now, given some time and months for you to take control of your emotions and clear your head for a bit, I think the FWB will help. But this is only after you have taken your ex off the pedestal and accepted the fact that the relationship with her is over. If you realize you are over her, but miss the physical aspect of the relationship then yes FWB will help. It may boost your confidence a bit and really help you to get over your ex. Sometimes attention from the opposite sex is definitely what we need to realize that we still got it. However take note FWB situations are very risky. Unless both of you are are abolutely sure and set boundaries in the beginning to define that your relationship is purely physical and not an official couple then it may work. But to be honest, someone usually becomes attached and eventually gets hurt, unless both of you end up falling for each other. In my opinion FWB is just another name for a rebound relationship, both are using each other for an emotional crutch and escape from the pain of heart break or the fear of loneliness. Now understand, this is MY experiences. My experiences may differ from others.
youngster Posted February 21, 2012 Posted February 21, 2012 From current experience, I'd say no, don't do it. I was hesitant to jump in the sheets with another gal before being fully healed, then I started letting the little head do all the thinking. We both knew that this was purely sexual and that there was nothing wrong with it, but I almost immediately regretted doing it because I missed my ex even more! But that's just me.
radiodarcy Posted February 21, 2012 Posted February 21, 2012 absolutely not. it's only going to create more pain and confusion. not only will it most likely make you miss your ex even more. but you may be unintentionally hurting the person you have the FWB with. people say FWB can work if there are no feelings on either end and it's just sexual. but i would wager that the chances of that arrangement working out in such a manner are highly rare in most cases.more often than not, there will be feelings on one end or the other.
Author ThatDudeXO Posted February 21, 2012 Author Posted February 21, 2012 Hmmm...now I'm not too sure. I've explicitly told her that I don't want anything more, ever. All we talk about is sex and I don't even think I can fall for this girl. I just find her attractive and would like to have some fun with her, same for her. God knows I need the confidence to keep going after being left in the dirt by my last relationship. It's nice to hear all your points of view though, I think I'll have to be more cautious.
youngster Posted February 21, 2012 Posted February 21, 2012 I too had ALL of the stipulations spelled out, all lines painted and discussed with a mutual friend that hooked us up. She still caught feelings.
hART Posted February 26, 2012 Posted February 26, 2012 The biggest problems I have with this relationship style are: -people assume FWB means neither party can develop feelings towards one another. Which if both parties accepts this as a possibility and is happy to continue if this does happen, this isn't a problem -people assume FWB means it is a non-committed relationship (which by definition it is). Which if both parties are willing to accept this relationship could end, then this is also okay. Except if either party develops feelings, then ending the relationship could be difficult. -people forget the friend in in friends with benefits. Benefits are great, but it sucks if the other person can't treat you at least as well as other friends. I know it is harder to respect someone willing to put themselves in a sex based relationship, but they deserve kindness just like everyone else. -this is a short-sighted relationship It takes care of the physical problem, the loneliness and if it is a room mates with benefits the bills. The problem arises in the long term. I'm worried about this one the most for you. You are in a world of pain, so you are seeking out a physical relationship to end the suffering you are feeling. The problem that arose for me was, I ended up heartbroken over two people, instead of one. -people assume there is less jealousy. There was a study where they looked in FWB and found there was more jealousy. Statistics and studies aren't always right, but it is something to look into. The fact that you said heartbroken makes me feel like you could be hurt by this, but it is your decision to make. If you do try it, I hope it works out well for you.
Renard99 Posted February 27, 2012 Posted February 27, 2012 (edited) I'm with stitch702 on this one. It all depends on your situation, and, ThatDudeXO, I don't recommend it in your situation. I've had two FWB in the past. One directly after a relationship and one about 12 months after a relationship. The first one, immediately after a breakup, wasn't good for either of us. Whilst having sex I just thought of my ex and what she liked. It didn't do me any good mentally. Also, because I wanted to feel close to someone, even if it was only physically, the friend thought I was actively persuing her and began to think we could take it further. When she tried to do this I virtually recoiled in subconscious horror at the thought. It destroyed the sex and destroyed the friendship. However. The second time (with a different friend) I was in a much better mental place and was happy with being single and was simply missing the physical side of a relationship. A friend was in a similar place and she suggested we help each other out. We were both sure of what we wanted, the sex was brilliant and we were able to maintain the 'friend' side of things. We both gave each other support and tips whilst dating and eventually we both met other people and started proper relationships. We simply dropped the 'with benefits' bit and continued to be good friends after that. I felt great that I was able to attract and satisfy someone which kept my confidence up whilst searching for a lasting and meaningful relationship, which I eventually found. I was also confident to 'perform' in the new relationship too, something my new girlfriend found attractive in the bedroom. Two different times, two different outcomes. Either way, the whole FWB thing is a minefield that has to be navigated carefully and with some thought. They can be beneficial but only when the situation is just right. You really have to look at yourself and your friend and say to yourself "with how we both are, individually and together, will this really work?". If there's any hint of hesitation, regardless of how small, walk away. Edited February 27, 2012 by Renard99
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