Too fast too soon

[xpaperxcutx]

Last night I went out with a guy from OKC and while I did spent the night at his place ( no hanky panky of course) due to me being too tired to drive home, he hasn't stopped texting me since he dropped me off today.

 

One, while he was such a nice guy, my attraction towards him is stale. He had looked nothing like his pictures online, in fact he looked like he gained 20 pounds since. He's tall and muscular but his lack of gym time tells me he's susceptible to gaining a pot belly if he doesn't start lifting weights.

 

Two, I met his brother last night and as sad as it was, I was more drawn to his older brother than him.

 

Three, I can't help sensing he has the capability of becoming really needy going so far as to say that he likes me after one date.

 

I'm undecided whether I should continue seeing him. He is stable in terms of career and jobs. He graduated from college, works for his family and teaches baseball on the side ( he's looking to getting into the majors). However, I feel like if I continue seeing it'd be more of a pity move on my part and not because I wanted to be with him. I have discussed this with my girlfriend.

 

My primary problem with him is his weight. He says he's around 250 for 6'0, that's pretty decent however, he can stand to lose 20 and work on muscle mass. I'm not his girlfriend so it would be crass for me to suggest he go to the gym. I don't want to come off as superficial but I am a pretty thin girl and standing next to him, I feel out of place. I feel like I'm about to pull a Elizabeth Hurly move on the next Shane Warne.

[veggirl]

No obviously you shouldn't see him again. You aren't even attracted to him!

 

I don't think saying you like someone is too much after a proper date and some prior communication, and if you were attracted to him and really liked him, you probably wouldn't either.

 

What are you undecided about? You don't like him.

[xpaperxcutx]

No obviously you shouldn't see him again. You aren't even attracted to him!

 

I don't think saying you like someone is too much after a proper date and some prior communication, and if you were attracted to him and really liked him, you probably wouldn't either.

 

What are you undecided about? You don't like him.

 

I said my attraction to him is stale nowhere did I say I didn't like him. The fact is he somewhat reminds me of my first bf, in terms of personality ( kind hearted, etc) but it's a not good thing comparing him to someone I've once dumped.

 

I'm not scared of people expressing their feelings I'm scared of needy people. I know he's attracted to me, he went out of his way to buy me a rose and even took today off just to spend time with me. However, I feel like he's about to grasp onto me like a lifesaver. As much as it is nice to be wanted, I don't want someone to think I'm their their emotional pole where they can lean on every minute. Especially right now, when he's at work and he hasn't stopped texting me.

[kaylan]

Last night I went out with a guy from OKC and while I did spent the night at his place ( no hanky panky of course) due to me being too tired to drive home, he hasn't stopped texting me since he dropped me off today.

No hanky panky? riiiiiight lol

 

One, while he was such a nice guy, my attraction towards him is stale. He had looked nothing like his pictures online, in fact he looked like he gained 20 pounds since. He's tall and muscular but his lack of gym time tells me he's susceptible to gaining a pot belly if he doesn't start lifting weights.

Lol...why do people use photos that barely look like them? Btw lighting and angles do wonders too.

 

I went out with this girl last summer, and in her pics I was pretty attracted to her...but when I met her....oh man...not good. She was far skinnier than she seemed in her pics. she was like rail thin and looked like she had an eating disorder...Im so serious. She had no figure at all. And also she had some gnarly teeth. Lastly, she was dull as all hell. I swear Ive spoken to stuffed animals that were more interesting lolz.

 

Just an entire fail experience, though not the worst time Ive had with a chick. Oh the stories I could tell.

 

You seem like me though...You look at someone and try to guesstimate how out of shape they could become lol

Two, I met his brother last night and as sad as it was, I was more drawn to his older brother than him.

 

Three, I can't help sensing he has the capability of becoming really needy going so far as to say that he likes me after one date.

Lmao...his bro? Sucks for the original guy.

 

I wouldnt say its so bad to like someone after one date....youve never had that happen? Though I understand its off-putting if youre not into the person too. The chick I just told you about made it obvious she was into me after we hung out, but I found it mad weird =P.

 

I'm undecided whether I should continue seeing him. He is stable in terms of career and jobs. He graduated from college, works for his family and teaches baseball on the side ( he's looking to getting into the majors). However, I feel like if I continue seeing it'd be more of a pity move on my part and not because I wanted to be with him. I have discussed this with my girlfriend.

???

I dont get this? What are you looking for? A guy you actually like and connect with?...or just a dude with a good career who seems like a nice dude?

 

He aint getting into the majors playing baseball though unless he was drafted outta high school or college. Dudes gotta work up from the minor leagues. And most coaches who teach the game, are former professional players or coaches with years and years experience.

 

Dont pity date the dude. Find someone you are attracted to. Isnt that what youd want out of a relationship?

My primary problem with him is his weight. He says he's around 250 for 6'0, that's pretty decent however, he can stand to lose 20 and work on muscle mass. I'm not his girlfriend so it would be crass for me to suggest he go to the gym. I don't want to come off as superficial but I am a pretty thin girl and standing next to him, I feel out of place. I feel like I'm about to pull a Elizabeth Hurly move on the next Shane Warne.

Yikes...thats a lot of weight for 6 ft tall lolz

 

Look at you, miss fitness queen talking about muscle mass and fat loss lolz.

 

Bottom line, you arent attracted to him so keep it moving. I mean why are you even considering going along with this. Theres tons of folks out there. Dont lower your standards. Youre not that hard up for a boy are ya? =p

Edited February 20, 2012 by kaylan

[xpaperxcutx]

]No hanky panky? riiiiiight lol

 

Trust me, I'm not that easy. People can't even get to first base unless I allow it. So I slept on my side and he slept on his. I even grudgingly told him to leave me alone- I was that cranky.

 

 

 

Lol...why do people use photos that barely look like them? Btw lighting and angles do wonders too.

 

I went out with this girl last summer, and in her pics I was pretty attracted to her...but when I met her....oh man...not good. She was far skinnier than she seemed in her pics. she was like rail thin and looked like she had an eating disorder...Im so serious. She had no figure at all. And also she had some gnarly teeth. Lastly, she was dull as all hell. I swear Ive spoken to stuffed animals that were more interesting lolz.

 

He used outdated photos from when he was still in college. But I have to say, he was handsome back when he was in school.

 

Just an entire fail experience, though not the worst time Ive had with a chick. Oh the stories I could tell.

 

You seem like me though...You look at someone and try to guesstimate how out of shape they could become lol

Lmao...his bro? Sucks for the original guy.

 

I used to be fat, and I worked myself out of the fat phase into who I am today. If there's anything I'm informative it's calories and body weight. And yes his brother with the 4 pack.

 

 

 

I wouldnt say its so bad to like someone after one date....youve never had that happen? Though I understand its off-putting if youre not into the person too. The chick I just told you about made it obvious she was into me after we hung out, but I found it mad weird =P.

 

 

I have liked someone right after a date, but I never outright say Omg I like you soooo much... I keep my feelings to myself because feelings are capable of changing.

 

???

I dont get this? What are you looking for? A guy you actually like and connect with?...or just a dude with a good career who seems like a nice dude?

 

He aint getting into the majors playing baseball unless he was drafter outa high school or college. Dudes gotta work up from the minor leagues. And most coaches who teach the game, are former professional players or coaches with years and years experience.

 

I actually googled him. He played ball in college and was in the minors for a bit, so let's just say he's not really lying about having experience. I don't know what I'm looking but a guy with a career is definite plus seeing as I'm very focused on mine. I've dated a couple of guys in the past who are barely scraping by so a career tells me they're actually financially independent.

 

Dont pity date the dude. Find someone you are attracted to. Isnt that what youd want out of a relationship?

Yikes...thats a lot of weight for 6 ft tall lolz

 

I was attracted to the guy in the picture! But his real counterpart was a definite letdown. He carries his weight really well ( for now) but he can do well with a physical improvement.

 

Bottom line, you arent attracted to him so keep it moving. I mean why are you even considering going along with this. Theres tons of folks out there. Dont lower your standards. Youre not that hard up for a boy are ya? =p

 

I'm not lowering my standards. I just feel like I'm at avery bored stage so I will go along with this until I get tired of things.

[SJC2008]

How many times does he text you a day? How do you know he needs an emotional pole this early on? The bottome line is you aren't attracted to him which is fine. I don't like dishonesty in profiles. The last girl I dated listed herself as about average but was "a few extra pounds".

[xpaperxcutx]

How many times does he text you a day? How do you know he needs an emotional pole this early on? The bottome line is you aren't attracted to him which is fine. I don't like dishonesty in profiles. The last girl I dated listed herself as about average but was "a few extra pounds".

 

He first started texting me two weeks ago, but because I was so busy I didn't reply to him. So we went without contact since, until yesterday, when we went out. The fact that he dropped me off today at 2 in the afternoon, and has been texting since then until now ( while he's at work) shows me he's being extremely clingy.

[kaylan]

 

Trust me, I'm not that easy. People can't even get to first base unless I allow it. So I slept on my side and he slept on his. I even grudgingly told him to leave me alone- I was that cranky.

Whatever you say tootz But isnt that a given on the first base thing? How else would someone get to 1st unless you allow it? lolz dont mind me being a smart ass.

 

But wow, a girl telling me to leave her alone while shes in my bed? Ive never had that happen. Homie sounds like he has no game. I guess he is that unattractive huh? lol

He used outdated photos from when he was still in college. But I have to say, he was handsome back when he was in school.

 

I used to be fat, and I worked myself out of the fat phase into who I am today. If there's anything I'm informative it's calories and body weight. And yes his brother with the 4 pack.

Was handsome....ouch...past tense. O wells maybe next time?

 

And awww, youre a closet fat kid...cute lol. Luckily I have slim genes. Ive never been anything but slim. I always said one day Id make myself fat. Id be some girls sexy big black teddy bear. Id get fat simply for sh!!tz and giggles.

I have liked someone right after a date, but I never outright say Omg I like you soooo much... I keep my feelings to myself because feelings are capable of changing.

Yeah I never express liking someone a lot until weve gotten a bit close and hung out a lot. So yeah Id prolly be weirded out, and have been weirded out, when chicks express liking me too much fairly quickly.

I actually googled him. He played ball in college and was in the minors for a bit, so let's just say he's not really lying about having experience. I don't know what I'm looking but a guy with a career is definite plus seeing as I'm very focused on mine. I've dated a couple of guys in the past who are barely scraping by so a career tells me they're actually financially independent.

Didnt say he was lying. Im just a huge baseball fan, and from what Ive seen, one needs to stick around pro baseball to get jobs in pro baseball. Or have some connections.

 

A career is a good look for anyone. I definitely look for a girl with some sort of ambition myself. It wouldnt be so bad that someone was scraping by as long as they had a big outlook. Some careers dont pay that well starting out. I know Im prolly gonna get low balled when I finally break into my field.

I was attracted to the guy in the picture! But his real counterpart was a definite letdown. He carries his weight really well ( for now) but he can do well with a physical improvement.

 

I'm not lowering my standards. I just feel like I'm at avery bored stage so I will go along with this until I get tired of things.

Lmao....online dating is such fail sometimes. I dont see why people do this bait and switch crap. Whenever my look changed, I uploaded new photos. Every several months, new pics. New Style?, new pics. New hair?, new pics. Simple as that.

 

I will tell you this; if you are already looking at him and wondering about things he could improve, the outlook isnt good. I did this with my ex...and about some pretty superficial crap. Whenever I look back on it I say to myself "omg I cant believe I freaking said that to her!...how would I feel if she said that to me". I was a jerk but didnt recognize my faults way back when.

 

I guess you can just see where it goes. I mean, once things progressed with my ex, those little things I nitpicked at didnt matter. Plus it helped that she had a nice little body to begin with anyways lol.

Edited February 21, 2012 by kaylan

[xpaperxcutx]

Whatever you say tootz But isnt that a given on the first base thing? How else would someone get to 1st unless you allow it? lolz dont mind me being a smart ass.

 

SMART ASS... Opps did I say that out loud?

 

 

 

But wow, a girl telling me to leave her alone while shes in my bed? Ive never had that happen. Homie sounds like he has no game. I guess he is that unattractive huh? lol

 

I was cranky. And you haven't met me yet, if I ever do end up in your bed, I'll tell you to leave me alone too. lol

 

 

 

 

Was handsome....ouch...past tense. O wells maybe next time?

Hahahaha.. Oh geez.

 

And awww, youre a closet fat kid...cute lol. Luckily I have slim genes. Ive never been anything but slim. I always said one day Id make myself fat. Id be some girls sexy big black teddy bear. Id get fat simply for sh!!tz and giggles.

Yeah I never express liking someone a lot until weve gotten a bit close and hung out a lot. So yeah Id prolly be weirded out, and have been weirded out, when chicks express liking me too much fairly quickly.

Didnt say he was lying. Im just a huge baseball fan, and from what Ive seen, one needs to stick around pro baseball to get jobs in pro baseball. Or have some connections.

 

 

Only my closest friends have ever known I was that ' fat kid'. My genes are horrible and an American diet in the first place was what caused me to be a chubby kid in the past. Now I stick to my organics.

 

 

Lmao....online dating is such fail sometimes. I dont see why people do this bait and switch crap. Whenever my look changed, I uploaded new photos. Every several months, new pics. New Style?, new pics. New hair?, new pics. Simple as that.

 

I don't get it either. You've seen me with blonde hair and now i'm a brunette, I honestly have nothing to hide. I hate liars.

 

 

 

I will tell you this; if you are already looking at him and wondering about things he could improve, the outlook isnt good. I did this with my ex...and about some pretty superficial crap. Whenever I look back on it I say to myself "omg I cant believe I freaking said that to her!...how would I feel if she said that to me". I was a jerk but didnt recognize my faults way back when.

 

I guess you can just see where it goes. I mean, once things progressed with my ex, those little things I nitpicked at didnt matter. Plus it helped that she had a nice little body to begin with anyways lol

 

Can't I be Britney? Her fiancee Jason Trawick used to be chubby and look at him now? He's pretty buff and hot. Or do I sound really superficial right now?

 

I don't want to be a jerk but i don't want a guy who can't take care of himself physically either.

[johan]

How tall are you?

[xpaperxcutx]

How tall are you?

 

 

I'm 5'3. In heels I'm 5'5-5'6.

[Old Flame]

Two things. 1. I'd never date someone I met on an online dating website.

2. If you sleep in my bed, I figure you are gonna get that thang worked over.

 

A girl don't get in bed with you on the first date unless she really wants to get bumped and grinded.

[xpaperxcutx]

Two things. 1. I'd never date someone I met on an online dating website.

2. If you sleep in my bed, I figure you are gonna get that thang worked over.

 

A girl don't get in bed with you on the first date unless she really wants to get bumped and grinded.

 

Well I didn't have sex with him and i slept on his bed... so what's the big deal? Your reasoning being that sleeping in the same bed makes a girl promiscuous is backward thinking.

 

I would have gladly slept on the floor or couch.

[kaylan]

SMART ASS... Opps did I say that out loud?

 

I was cranky. And you haven't met me yet, if I ever do end up in your bed, I'll tell you to leave me alone too. lol

Told you I was a smart ass hehe.

 

And I doubt youd ever tell me to leave you alone. Im awesome company =P.

Only my closest friends have ever known I was that ' fat kid'. My genes are horrible and an American diet in the first place was what caused me to be a chubby kid in the past. Now I stick to my organics.

Im totally curious about how you looked as a chubby kid. Especially since most Asians are small. I demand pics lol.

I don't get it either. You've seen me with blonde hair and now i'm a brunette, I honestly have nothing to hide. I hate liars.

Nothing to hide? Well, you are hiding your natural hair...lolz =P

 

Can't I be Britney? Her fiancee Jason Trawick used to be chubby and look at him now? He's pretty buff and hot. Or do I sound really superficial right now?

 

I don't want to be a jerk but i don't want a guy who can't take care of himself physically either.

Damn I looked at his before and after pics...I need his freaking diet and workout regimen. Ten bucks says hes fat in a couple years though haha.

 

And its not superficial to appreciate the guys fitness or to want to date someone whos as fit.

 

However, Id wanna be fit because Im choosing to do so for myself and also because I wanna stay looking nice for my girl. I wouldnt really want her to sit and constantly worry about how I look though.

[kaylan]

Well I didn't have sex with him and i slept on his bed... so what's the big deal? Your reasoning being that sleeping in the same bed makes a girl promiscuous is backward thinking.

 

I would have gladly slept on the floor or couch.

Oh come on cutz. The dude had a point. Girls dont sleep in the same bed with a dude they go out on a date with unless some sort of fooling around is going on. It doesnt make her promiscuous...its just very odd that two people of opposite sexes would sleep in the same bed as one another after a date, and nothing happen.

 

Come on now lolz. Im not hating though. Do you. I still think home boy is kinda lame if a girl is in his bed and nothing happens. I guess thats what happens where youre out of shape lolz.

[Titania22]

Girls dont sleep in the same bed with a dude they go out on a date with unless some sort of fooling around is going on.

 

This is not 100% true though. It may be true in your experience, but there are exceptions.

[kaylan]

This is not 100% true though. It may be true in your experience, but there are exceptions.

 

Im not saying OP did anything either. Im just saying its an unusual thing to occur.

 

All I am saying is that its highly unlikely to sleep in the same bed with a date and something not occur. There are exceptions, but usually somethings going on. Like kissing at the least.

Edited February 21, 2012 by kaylan

[Professor X]

I'm 5'3. In heels I'm 5'5-5'6.

 

On a ladder I'm 8,5.

[somedude81]

On a ladder I'm 8,5.

Damn it! Beaten to the punch.

 

I was going to say that I'm 5'6.

 

6'2 in Disco Stu shoes.

[Mme. Chaucer]

I really think it's a bad idea to sleep with someone you just met unless you really do want to mess around. It's very personal and intimate to share a bed. It makes it all the more awkward that you are wondering whether you are interested in him at all after having slept with him, and awakened next to him in the morning.

 

Next time, plan you date with a new guy early enough that you can get yourself home.

 

As for this guy - I don't get a sense that there's much there for you.

[Star Gazer]

I really think it's a bad idea to sleep with someone you just met unless you really do want to mess around. It's very personal and intimate to share a bed. It makes it all the more awkward that you are wondering whether you are interested in him at all after having slept with him, and awakened next to him in the morning.

 

Next time, plan you date with a new guy early enough that you can get yourself home.

 

Agreed.

 

And 250lbs on a 6' guy who you think needs to work on his muscle mass tells me he's actually quite fat.

[Titania22]

Damn it! Beaten to the punch.

 

I was going to say that I'm 5'6.

 

6'2 in Disco Stu shoes.

 

You know somedude you are a couple of inches taller than my ex husband.

[zengirl]

Several things:

 

1.) Sleeping in someone's bed on a first date when you aren't really into them -- hanky panky or not! -- is weird. I have definitely, in the dating stages, slept at a guy's house, or even in his bed, when I was not yet ready to have sex or do anything (though never THAT early!) so I don't find that odd or impossible to believe or whatever, but it is still an intimate act as Mme. Chaucer says, even without hanky panky, to share a bed with a date in that way. It gives the impression you are definitely interested in him---it gives the impression of trust and intimacy. Actually, I think it's leading a guy on MORE to sleep in his bed and not fool around with him when you don't like him---that must be confusing for this guy.

 

Like Mme., I suggest you make sure you can get home or at least sleep on the couch next time.

 

2.) It is entirely possible the amount he is texting you is reasonable and nice IF YOU LIKED HIM. The reason it feels like too much is that you are not really attracted to him and don't really want to go out with him! It may also not fit your communication style, but that doesn't mean it's 'wrong' or he's automatically super needy, unless he's texting you content that indicates he's super needy. He likes you; you gave the (false) impression you were into him too; he's trying to thusly communicate with you and get something going. Pretty sensible IMO.

 

3.) The bottom line is this: You don't like the way he looks! That's all there is to it, and that should be the end of the thinking. Stop trying to give him other invented flaws to make yourself feel better. It is entirely okay to not like the way a guy looks, not be attracted, and thus not go out with him again!

[xpaperxcutx]

I really think it's a bad idea to sleep with someone you just met unless you really do want to mess around. It's very personal and intimate to share a bed. It makes it all the more awkward that you are wondering whether you are interested in him at all after having slept with him, and awakened next to him in the morning.

 

Next time, plan you date with a new guy early enough that you can get yourself home.

 

As for this guy - I don't get a sense that there's much there for you.

 

MMe I get what you are saying. But I was adamant that he slept on his side and I on mine. We even made a promise on his mother's life that he was going to behave. That for him was particulary personal since coming from an Italian background, his mom is very important to him.

[xpaperxcutx]

Agreed.

 

And 250lbs on a 6' guy who you think needs to work on his muscle mass tells me he's actually quite fat.

 

I've seen plenty of guys carry their weights very well with that height and weight but I have to say i'm kind of making excuses for him. He had told me he had a shoulder injury 7 months back and has been getting physical therapy, so that could be a contributing factor to the weight gain.

 

He admits he's a workaholic, he hasn't had a day off since he graduated college. No time for the gym, for a run.

 

I've talked to my girlfriend about him. She tells me he's a keeper seeing as compared to most of the guys I've dated, he's practically a saint. She's telling me to keep dating him and see how things go. And this is the same girl who has warned me about men I've fallen for who were bad for me, and I've never listened.

 

 

 

Several things:

 

1.) Sleeping in someone's bed on a first date when you aren't really into them -- hanky panky or not! -- is weird. I have definitely, in the dating stages, slept at a guy's house, or even in his bed, when I was not yet ready to have sex or do anything (though never THAT early!) so I don't find that odd or impossible to believe or whatever, but it is still an intimate act as Mme. Chaucer says, even without hanky panky, to share a bed with a date in that way. It gives the impression you are definitely interested in him---it gives the impression of trust and intimacy. Actually, I think it's leading a guy on MORE to sleep in his bed and not fool around with him when you don't like him---that must be confusing for this guy.

 

Like Mme., I suggest you make sure you can get home or at least sleep on the couch next time.

 

2.) It is entirely possible the amount he is texting you is reasonable and nice IF YOU LIKED HIM. The reason it feels like too much is that you are not really attracted to him and don't really want to go out with him! It may also not fit your communication style, but that doesn't mean it's 'wrong' or he's automatically super needy, unless he's texting you content that indicates he's super needy. He likes you; you gave the (false) impression you were into him too; he's trying to thusly communicate with you and get something going. Pretty sensible IMO.

 

3.) The bottom line is this: You don't like the way he looks! That's all there is to it, and that should be the end of the thinking. Stop trying to give him other invented flaws to make yourself feel better. It is entirely okay to not like the way a guy looks, not be attracted, and thus not go out with him again!

 

ZenG, thanks for the insight. One, I've had on many occasions slept over at a guy's place when it's gotten really late, and impossible for me to get home. While that gives a bad impression, I can say that I have merely done so to crash at their place, not to sleep with them. I have done my fair share of cock blocking and if ultimately, they think I'm a tease, that's their problem. Usually I end up never seeing them again or I find we're just not compatible.

 

Two, I've been in that situation where I've liked someone so much that I constantly texted them, so I know the position he is in. I can tell he really likes me, going so far as to cancel work just to spend the day with me. However his straightforwardness with expressing his attractions towards is making me uncomfortable. As my girlfriend has said, he lacks tact when it comes to his emotions. He has the puppy eyes look of a guy ready to fall in love, and it's really scaring me.

 

Three, were it not for the weight gain and the bait-and-switch with the online pictures I think there's potential for a relationship. He has qualities in him that makes him the perfect boyfriend- he has strong family values and is very respectful. He is the first guy I have came across since my last breakup that I consider relationship material ( and i've only had two serious relationships). So yes, I like him, but I'm just not physically attracted to the " current" him.