Xochilt Posted February 20, 2012 Posted February 20, 2012 (edited) I'm a 14 year-old in my freshman year and well what happened is: I made-out and grinded with this guy I've had a crush on a couple times. I don't know how Thomas (my 15 year-old bf) found out about this. I didn't really leave any messages but I'm guessing someone told me or he was there. I don't know. Anyways this happened last month. I've been trying to fix this and well he is still kinda mad about it and keeps bringing it. Can someone tell me how many times do I have to keep apologizing? Is it going to get better? At times it's getting annoying. I messed up but is this going to get fix? Edited February 20, 2012 by Xochilt
Author Xochilt Posted February 20, 2012 Author Posted February 20, 2012 Is he gonna to eventually get over it? At some point wouldn't it eventually get close to the same? I already apologized, what more do I have to do?
veggirl Posted February 20, 2012 Posted February 20, 2012 Well, he should dump you. I mean honestly not to be mean but you guys are 14 and 15 yrs old. At your age, it happens, learn from it and don't do it again. You have LOTS of BFs in your future....
ThatDudeXO Posted February 20, 2012 Posted February 20, 2012 At your age, I think you're too young to be stressing over a relationship, so move on and have fun. If you want a relationship, wait for someone who really makes you happy to the point that cheating won't be an option. Just go have fun.
Author Xochilt Posted March 3, 2012 Author Posted March 3, 2012 Thank you and yes I broke it off recently. I got fed up with apologizing.
nofool4u Posted March 5, 2012 Posted March 5, 2012 Thank you and yes I broke it off recently. I got fed up with apologizing. As if your age wasn't already enough indication you are immature, this statement is just all the more. You didn't care about whether you made things right with your bf, you simply didn't want to have a hard go of things while your bf came to terms with what you did. You never cared about him in the first place if simply having to apologize alot is all you are concerned with. Perhaps you should not make any commitments to any other boys until you are mature enough to handle it.
Untouchable_Fire Posted March 6, 2012 Posted March 6, 2012 Thank you and yes I broke it off recently. I got fed up with apologizing. Your attitude is terrible. Some day a guy is going to cheat on you, and then you will understand how it feels. Karma can really suck hard.
Author Xochilt Posted March 6, 2012 Author Posted March 6, 2012 (edited) Your attitude is terrible. Some day a guy is going to cheat on you, and then you will understand how it feels. Karma can really suck hard.What was I suppose to do? Beat myself over it and continue to talk about the same subject for God knows how long? Edited March 6, 2012 by Xochilt
nofool4u Posted March 6, 2012 Posted March 6, 2012 What was I suppose to do? Beat myself over it and continue to talk about the same subject for God knows how long? No, you give him the time he needs to come to terms with it. All you care about is that you don't want to suffer any consequences. Its like someone who punches someone in the face, but wants to cry victim when that person hits back.
Untouchable_Fire Posted March 7, 2012 Posted March 7, 2012 What was I suppose to do? Beat myself over it and continue to talk about the same subject for God knows how long? You were not supposed to cheat in the first place. You did and it was a mistake... I get that. I've made mistakes too. The difference is that when I make a mistake... I take responsibility and do whatever is required to fix it. Something like if you do the crime you have to do the time... ect. Basically what you did, was cheat... fail to take responsibility or work to fix it... then bounce leaving the guy hurt and damaged. Now some other girl gets to deal with the issues YOU created. All because you were lazy and self righteous. In the end this is going to come back and bite you. It always does.
Author Xochilt Posted March 7, 2012 Author Posted March 7, 2012 All you care about is that you don't want to suffer any consequences. Its like someone who punches someone in the face, but wants to cry victim when that person hits back.I don't see how cheating is similar to assaulting someone. I took responsibility when he found out and said apologized more than enough (countless times) and was trying to make things right. I just can't be saying sorry for too long. There is a point, you have to get pass it. I think I'm planning to go single for a while.
RiverRunning Posted March 7, 2012 Posted March 7, 2012 What was I suppose to do? Beat myself over it and continue to talk about the same subject for God knows how long? You're supposed to do what the others said - let him come to terms with it. Give him space. Make efforts to show that you're not going to violate his trust again - i.e., let him know you're going to avoid situations where something similar could happen again (going dancing with other guys? Being too close to other guys in general? The stipulations are up to you). Had I been in your shoes, I would have asked him - and maybe you did, but somehow I doubt it - "What can I do to show you that I'm serious and that I won't do it again?" I would listen to him and see what he says. If it's "I would appreciate it if we saw each other a little more often, if you wouldn't flirt with other guys, etc.," that's a viable option. Of course, sometimes the betrayed can go overboard and want to infiltrate every aspect of your life while they try to recover from the betrayal. But, as the betrayer, it WAS your responsibility to help him cope with what you did. And a month - he's supposed to get over you grinding with another guy in a month? Your age is showing. That's not a bad thing per se - you're 14, after all - but your attitude does need adjustment. You were the one who screwed up your relationship, not the other way around. That means the onus was on you to correct it and, yes, to deal with the anger and the frustration that may initially surface from your betrayal. It seems obvious to me that you're blaming this break-up on him - you were the one who set this whole thing into motion. When you can take responsibility for your own actions - and that doesn't make you evil or a bad girlfriend, it makes you a human being who makes mistakes - it may be a good idea to get into another relationship. But at 14 - or while you're in high school period - I really don't see the point in getting serious with anyone. Playing around a little bit nonexclusively wouldn't be a bad idea.
xxoo Posted March 7, 2012 Posted March 7, 2012 Geez, she's a 14 year old. This is the time to make mistakes, and feel the consequences. The grown men here could cut her some slack! Xochilt, staying single for a while sounds like a great plan. Be young and free for a while longer. Know that, when you cheat on someone, they are not under any obligation to forgive and forget. Much of the time, it ends a relationship. Much of the time, the relationship should have ended before the cheating happened, and that is a much better way to manage ending a relationship. If you want to be free to experiment with kissing and grinding on guys (which sounds really fun to me ), stay single. Just be very, very careful about being alone with a guy you don't know well, and always enforce your own boundaries. Have fun!
nofool4u Posted March 7, 2012 Posted March 7, 2012 I don't see how cheating is similar to assaulting someone. Your obviously too young to understand that an analogy isn't saying its similar. I took responsibility when he found out No, taking responsibility would have been coming clean before he found out. You only came clean after he found out. Which is all fine and dandy, and somewhat commendable. But also part of taking responsibility is not expecting to just breeze by overnight. and said apologized more than enough Its not your place to decide when its "more than enough" You are the cheater, not the betrayed. You don't get to make that call. and was trying to make things right. Really? How? I just can't be saying sorry for too long. Again, here lies the problem. You cheat, and expect forgiveness from him, if it ever comes, to happen immediately. Sorry, it doesn't work that way. When you f*** someone over, they don't just become ok with it overnight. As long as you have given him something to upset him for a while, you shouldn't get to skate by within just a few days of screwing him over. Again, it doesn't work the way you think it should. Good that you two aren't together anymore. He can now find someone worthy of trust. There is a point, you have to get pass it. You mean past it. Yes, there is a point. But not in the small timeframe you think it should be. Again, you don't get to make that call. I think I'm planning to go single for a while. Thats very wise, not only for your X, but for other guys too.
nofool4u Posted March 7, 2012 Posted March 7, 2012 Geez, she's a 14 year old. This is the time to make mistakes, and feel the consequences. The grown men here could cut her some slack! Why? She wasn't wanting to cut her bf any slack and expected him to get over it overnight. Its good that she plans on staying single now.
xxoo Posted March 7, 2012 Posted March 7, 2012 Why? She wasn't wanting to cut her bf any slack and expected him to get over it overnight. Because they are kids. Not adults. Their higher reasoning and moral development is far from mature. Kids make mistakes. Little mistakes like this are good for learning, so that they don't make bigger mistakes as adults....when it counts. Her bf will be fine.
nofool4u Posted March 8, 2012 Posted March 8, 2012 Because they are kids. Not adults. Their higher reasoning and moral development is far from mature. Kids make mistakes. Little mistakes like this are good for learning, so that they don't make bigger mistakes as adults....when it counts. Her bf will be fine. I know he will be fine, she did him the favor of ending it with him. And being kids doesn't give them a pass. When things happen, they will learn from it, but not if someone blows sunshine up their arse.
xxoo Posted March 9, 2012 Posted March 9, 2012 And being kids doesn't give them a pass. When things happen, they will learn from it, but not if someone blows sunshine up their arse. They'll learn from it even without grown adult being harsh. The reality is harsh. Losing your bf is a harsh consequence. Adults can be compassionate toward kids, while also explaining the realities.
nofool4u Posted March 9, 2012 Posted March 9, 2012 They'll learn from it even without grown adult being harsh. The reality is harsh. Losing your bf is a harsh consequence. In case you haven't noticed, she doesn't care. She left her boyfriend not because she wanted to do right by him, but she didn't want to put in the work to make it right. So this was not a harsh consequence for her. Aside from giving her a V8 smack upside the head, the only way she will learn from this is when someone does it to her and it rips her heart out. So hopefully that comes. THEN she will learn.
xxoo Posted March 9, 2012 Posted March 9, 2012 In case you haven't noticed, she doesn't care. She left her boyfriend not because she wanted to do right by him, but she didn't want to put in the work to make it right. So this was not a harsh consequence for her. Aside from giving her a V8 smack upside the head, the only way she will learn from this is when someone does it to her and it rips her heart out. So hopefully that comes. THEN she will learn. You are hoping that a 14 year old girl gets hurt? It is normal to be impulsive and emotionally immature at her age. It is NOT normal to be like that at 25, or 35. She'll learn and grow. She probably should not be dating at all at her young age, but making mistakes now does not mean she will make similar mistakes as an adult. Honestly, can you guys not remember the dumb stuff you did at 14? Don't you think back and wonder what the heck you were thinking? I know I do!
zengirl Posted March 9, 2012 Posted March 9, 2012 Well, he should dump you. I mean honestly not to be mean but you guys are 14 and 15 yrs old. At your age, it happens, learn from it and don't do it again. You have LOTS of BFs in your future.... Definitely: This. Yes, cheating often ends a relationship. No, your exBF was in no obligation to get over it. Yes, it was wrong, OP. But I wouldn't beat yourself up about it. . . not at 14. Just live and learn. As if your age wasn't already enough indication you are immature, this statement is just all the more. How can a young age be an indication one is immature? Maturity is directly linked to age. The younger the OP is, the LESS likely her actions are to be immature. Her actions and thoughts would be immature if she were in her 20s, yes, but she's 14. I think you need to understand words better. Geez, she's a 14 year old. This is the time to make mistakes, and feel the consequences. The grown men here could cut her some slack! Xochilt, staying single for a while sounds like a great plan. Be young and free for a while longer. Right. OP, make sure you learn from this situation and understand that your actions were wrong. But, seriously, 14 year olds are WAY more likely to make impulsive mistakes like this. It's not an excuse, but it is a developmental fact that teenagers are more biologically likely to be impulsive and not understand, in abstract, the consequences for their actions. OP has demonstrated she knew it was wrong, but she didn't want to maintain in a relationship with someone who could not forgive her---seems reasonable, the relationship was likely tarnished anyway.
nofool4u Posted March 9, 2012 Posted March 9, 2012 You are hoping that a 14 year old girl gets hurt? Only if you think someone sitting her down and telling her the cold hard truth shouldn't happen. Because sugarcoating things to her sure as heck won't do it. How will she learn then if she doesn't feel what she is shelling out? She probably should not be dating at all at her young age I agree but making mistakes now does not mean she will make similar mistakes as an adult. It will if she isn't held accountable for her actions. And she does not want to be held accountable. She only wants him to immediately "get over it", which indicates she could care less about his feelings. So how else will she learn if someone doesn't call her on her character? If she cared about him, she'd stay and give him the time he needs to get over it, ON HIS TIMELINE. Thats one way, but she isn't going to do that. The other way is for someone to let her know how immature she is being and that she did him a huge favor by breaking it off, but she considers it a favor to herself, not to him. The other way is for her to experience what its like on the sh** end of the stick. Take your pick.
nofool4u Posted March 9, 2012 Posted March 9, 2012 (edited) How can a young age be an indication one is immature? Maturity is directly linked to age. The younger the OP is, the LESS likely her actions are to be immature. Her actions and thoughts would be immature if she were in her 20s, yes, but she's 14. I think you need to understand words better. Immaturity: lacking complete growth, differentiation, or development At 14 she IS lacking complete growth, differentiation, or development. She hasn't matured yet, thus she is immature. But really her actions make her such, not her age. I don't care to debate the definition, but I understand the word just fine. So does Merriam-Webster. So nice try. Edited March 9, 2012 by nofool4u
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