Not broken up but have a bad gut feeling about this... a bit long and mind boggling

[KiaraTiara]

I really need some advice before I throw up the rest of the contents of my stomach over this situation.

 

I fell in love with a guy. I fell in love with him deeply and so hard. I'm 27 years old and he's my age. I love him with all my heart and not a day goes by that he doesn't let me know that the feelings are reciprocal. He's not my first relationship, he's not my longest relationship, he's not the one that I went furthest with but something deep inside me just says "it's him and no one else". He's been the sort of guy to distance himself from everyone and he was a friend to many people but never really romantically involved himself at this level before with anyone else but with me, he broke all his boundaries and he went all out and I loved him for it. I loved that he wasn't scared to tell his friends and family and the friends that we shared about us even though they were all surprised that he could actually transform himself that much and I felt happy that he did. He changed me and I've changed him.

 

It all sounds magical so far but here's the real deal: we are in what is essentially a long distance relationship. I have seen him many times and spent extended periods of time with him (longest two months) but due to work commitments, those times ended. We put an end in sight for us and we are working towards it, however, there are things standing in the way that are out of both of our controls (mainly physical limitations imposed by recently diagnosed illness that is curable but does essentially mean that our plans would not go ahead as we had hoped). This is all on my end and I have let him know about it. I have disclosed it all to him and gave him the "get out of jail" free card (even though I did not want him to) because I loved him and did not want him to end up suffering what I have no choice but to suffer from. He chose to stick by me no matter what. I've told him that I am not dramatizing the situation or making it seem worse than what it is (it is what it is and it's not the worst thing in the world but still devastating). In explaining it to him, I have even offered him the doctor's reports about it and their best advice in terms of dealing with it for myself and for anyone close to me. He said he does not care and he wants to be there no matter what. I've asked him to mull it over (to protect myself but also to protect him) and he said it's a no brainer so I, in turn, chose not to impose my worst fears on him and put my faith into this.

 

This could not have happened at a more inconvenient time though. He was due to be away from any form of communication for a month. I knew about that long before any of this ever happened and I knew I'd miss him but I knew it was a great chance for him to better his career and also to have some fun so I told him that he should not worry about something that will never go away and should just use that time to take a breather from what he's used to and that I will occasionally write to him but did not expect him to alter plans or respond to everything that I write. I knew when he first told me about it that it would be unreasonable to expect him to keep a diary in the form of written letters to me whilst he's away in a place that does not give him much freedom to do that in the first place. I still know it's unreasonable now but I did not expect that I would need a shoulder to lean on at a time like this. I do though and he is not there. I have not written to him. I have not communicated with him. I think that we go through things for a reason and I know that I guess I was dealt this hand to face this alone for some time.

 

The problem is, because I need him and he's not there, my mind keeps bringing up the worst of our relationship to surface. For example, most of his best friends are females. At times when we had arguments, he would go to them for advice. At one time, he fell asleep in someone's arms. It's something he used to do before "us" and never thought a thing of it and neither did they but he said it felt wrong so he told me about it. I told him that although there were things that he could do then, he cannot really expect to do them now with the same freedom because being in a relationship with someone brings a lot of boundaries that you have to set in order for it to work, especially when it is one where the times that we have together are usually relatively far between. He agreed and it never happened again but he cannot (and I do not expect him to) change his life-long friends for me. He has never given me a reason to distrust him but it bothers me how he has to always be "there" for them no matter what especially that sometimes when he's "there" for them, it means that we miss some of the precious moments that we set aside for us. He has no reservations in going to help out any of them if he gets a call at 3 am in the morning. I have never reached out to him for help at a time like that because I'm wary of disturbing anyone but there are times during the day when I have asked him to be there so we could talk about something (usually setting the final steps in our plans to move) and he would leave me waiting for hours or just be distracted and when I tell him about it, he usually pays the attention I need him to pay but he says that I have to tell him because he's not really the sort to read minds (not that anyone can) but even less so, he does not know how important something is (i have to note that I never attach urgency to any of our potential discussions just so to avoid him worrying over them when there's nothing to worry about) but I do expect things to happen at certain times, when they are planned for certain times, and was frequently disappointed when they did not so that kind of puts in parallel his willingness to be there for others yet not the person he calls the "most important" in his life.

 

I know that I do not make things sound like they're extremely important or urgent but I do not do that because I know he's prone to over-worrying. At the same time, I feel that he should know after such a long time that I would never request his presence at a given moment in time unless it was important. I guess i just don't get why he hasn't gotten that yet and still have my reservations about creating drama or something that could potentially lead to that.

 

Anyways with all that in mind and with what has recently happened, I feel that I have put my faith in him after everything he said to me, after he told me that he wants to be there, after he read all the facts and agreed to work around them yet I have this gut feeling that the often used phrase of "out of sight, out of mind" is true and that this time away will change his mind. I know I've asked him to think about it before but I had then prepared myself for the potential ending. I have the expectation now that nothing will change but the gut feeling that everything will. I feel all the symptoms of having broken up with someone yet without any of it actually being declared and I don't know why. I hate this uncertainty and period of waiting. I don't know what to do during this time. Although I have not contacted him or anything, he has written to me once just telling me how things are going around there and I was wary that the letter did not contain the usually never missed (I love you, sweetheart etc etc) but I also know that it was rushed because of that. I've been told that I should appreciate the fact that he actually took the time to do that. I don't. I'd prefer not to hear from him than get something that feels it was written out of a sense of obligation to update someone who keeps him on a short leash (I don't but getting that stuff makes me feel like a control freak!!)

 

A lot of it is really my insecurities but I don't know why this gut feeling is just never fading away. I don't know why I can't focus on the best and forget all the times we were put on trial so to speak. The good times far outweigh the bad ones but something in me is strongly advising me to prepare for the bad times.

 

I feel horrible for even considering to use this time to gradually phase out a man who has chosen to stand by me but it feels like a strong hunch. Some would attribute it to the period of time he's away. We have been away from each other a lot of the time inbetween but there was always contact between us and even though we did not talk 24/7, it still was nice to know that we could.

 

I don't know what to do but one thing for sure, I hate this uncertainty. I don't want to wait for another kick in the stomach. I feel like I've gotten enough and I don't need another one yet whenever I think about the possibilities, I feel sick over it. I love him with all my heart. I have no reason (other than him being generally clueless) to doubt his love for me. I know if the situation was reversed, I would not give it a second thought and would stand by him yet this feeling is so overwhelming that I cannot ignore it or brush it aside or even consider waiting. I usually am the sort of go with the flow person because we can't predict what we have lying ahead of us but this time, something in me is telling me to be wary and I hate that it exists but it just does.

 

I don't even know if any of the above makes sense. I don't know what I'm looking for, be it validation or support or "are you blind? Make the right choice. It's obvious" and I know if it's the latter, I will struggle to even know which one it is because "I love him" and "this is bad" are just as strong and I'm torn between them equally so even if the answer seems like it's hitting people in the face, I doubt that it is to me. I just do not know. I know my feelings and probably some of my words in essence contradict each other but they just are there.