A man's top priority should be the relationship???

[ThaWholigan]

Saw this in another thread a couple of minutes ago:

 

Of course not. There's just some activities that don't appeal to me.

 

Also, if a guy makes a particular hobby his number 1 priority, he's not relationship material. The relationship needs to be the number 1 priority.

 

I'm in two minds about this one....

 

Obviously a man should have more than an adequate amount of investment in the relationship with his woman and I believe that intimacy requires time together of course.

 

However, if a man's top priority is the relationship, then what are his goals outside of it? Does he have much of a life of his own outside of his relationship/family? And wouldn't it eventually be a turnoff??

 

I always thought that if a man caved to his woman's wishes and spent copious amounts of time with her she would actually resent this, although I could be wrong, but should a man's number one priority in his life really be his relationship? Or should it be his ultimate pursuit or mission in life?

 

Or is his ultimate pursuit in life a relationship??

 

I'm genuinely intrigued.....

 

[kaylan]

Its should be one of his top priorities.

 

I dont think people have to have only one top priority.

[EspressoTorte]

I'm not sure anyone's main focus (either man or woman) to that degree should be a relationship. Everything in moderation and all that.

[Emilia]

I was thinking the same in the other thread as well. Very good question. It's hard to give several things equal priority but I do think one should have a life beyond a relationship yes.

[Mme. Chaucer]

I really don't feel like "a man's top priority should be his relationship," or a woman's either.

 

I think that over time and with a lot shared, it can evolve to be the top priority - because the people involved learn that all the aspects of their lives are enhanced by the relationship.

 

Personally, though, I really like people who have big passions; that is one thing that I find really compelling. A man who was just kind of treading water in life waiting to meet fabulous old me would probably not attract me at all. And, if he had big passions, I certainly would not expect him to drop them now that he was in a relationship with me.

 

Of course I am biased. I am super wrapped up in passions of my own that I have been doing for decades, that I love, that really define my life. If I had not met a man who not only accommodates this, but actually loves it about me - I would still be single.

 

Now that we are so bonded, though, I would walk away from my very demanding "passions" if he needed me, and do it with love.

[PinkInTheLimo]

Its should be one of his top priorities.

 

I dont think people have to have only one top priority.

 

I agree with this.

 

If the relationship is not a top priority, why having one? If your SO only makes and has time for you after all the rest of his important things are done, then how can there be a connection?

You cannot expect to have a relationship and still live as if you are single.

[verhrzn]

I think it's important to have rotating top priorities, based on the particular need at the moment. I don't think priorities should be fixated. Sometimes a relationship should take top priority, but sometimes a job is going to, or a hobby (if you're really into a sport and coming up on a championship, for example.) I think a relationship SHOULD be among the top 4-5 priorities, jumping somewhere among hobbies, relationships with other people, a job, and yourself.

[ditzchic]

I think at a certain point, like when you are seriously considering marriage, a man's (or woman's) relationship should move really high up on the list of his priorities. But in a dating or even just long term relationship, no.

 

A man's priorities in life are what attracts women. If he's a driven, passionate about life type of guy and all of a sudden that changes when you lock him down and he just wants to spend all his time sitting on the couch with you, of course that will turn a woman off.

 

I think most women with lives and passions of their own would agree with me. Women that feel they have to be a man's priority don't have many priorities of their own. Like attracts like.

[ThaWholigan]

OK, I think I am getting a better understanding now.

 

I agree that it should be A top priority, but I was merely arguing semantics when I posed the question of whether it should be THE priority.

 

I think that a man should be able to give his all to his passions and his relationship in a tandem. I personally believe that everything goes in cycles, and we have to move adapt according to which part of the cycle we are in. I think Verhrzn articulated this perfectly, and is almost exactly how I would look at it.

[ThaWholigan]

I think at a certain point, like when you are seriously considering marriage, a man's (or woman's) relationship should move really high up on the list of his priorities. But in a dating or even just long term relationship, no.

 

A man's priorities in life are what attracts women. If he's a driven, passionate about life type of guy and all of a sudden that changes when you lock him down and he just wants to spend all his time sitting on the couch with you, of course that will turn a woman off.

 

I think most women with lives and passions of their own would agree with me. Women that feel they have to be a man's priority don't have many priorities of their own. Like attracts like.

 

Interesting, and something that was passing through my mind as I was typing this thread. I would agree to be honest.

[PinkInTheLimo]

OK, I think I am getting a better understanding now.

 

I agree that it should be A top priority, but I was merely arguing semantics when I posed the question of whether it should be THE priority.

 

I think that a man should be able to give his all to his passions and his relationship in a tandem. I personally believe that everything goes in cycles, and we have to move adapt according to which part of the cycle we are in. I think Verhrzn articulated this perfectly, and is almost exactly how I would look at it.

 

My point is that the fact that I expect my relationship to have a serious influence on my partner's life, just like I expect it to have a serious influence on mine. I want us to spend a considerable amount of time together and since a day only has 24 hours, that means that there will automatically be less time for other things.

That does not mean I don't want to spend time without my partner and will have no interests apart from him, I will and I have.

You can only build a connection by sharing things and that again requires spending time together.

 

That is at least the way I want it. I have no intention to be content with a bit of crumbs of time after my partner has done all the other things he is interested in.

[fortyninethousand322]

A man's priority should be whatever he wants it to be. Lots of people put their relationships on the back burner and their spouses of mates are ok with that. Lots of people do the same thing and their bf/gf aren't ok with it. To each their own.

[Mme. Chaucer]

I don't think that traveling to pursue my avocation is "acting like I'm single." Fortunately for me, my husband doesn't think that either. He is very proud and supportive.

 

I do agree that if both people have stuff to do that is extremely demanding of time and energy, and the things don't overlap, the relationship can suffer.

 

Balance is very important.

 

I doubt that most men consciously think "my relationship with my girlfriend is my number one priority in life." That sounds more like "the right answer" to a probing girlfriend.

[veggirl]

Saw this in another thread a couple of minutes ago:

 

 

 

I'm in two minds about this one....

 

Obviously a man should have more than an adequate amount of investment in the relationship with his woman and I believe that intimacy requires time together of course.

 

However, if a man's top priority is the relationship, then what are his goals outside of it? Does he have much of a life of his own outside of his relationship/family? And wouldn't it eventually be a turnoff??

 

I always thought that if a man caved to his woman's wishes and spent copious amounts of time with her she would actually resent this, although I could be wrong, but should a man's number one priority in his life really be his relationship? Or should it be his ultimate pursuit or mission in life?

 

Or is his ultimate pursuit in life a relationship??

 

I'm genuinely intrigued.....

 

 

Well, I don't consider making a LIFE-LONG PARTNERSHIP to be "caving into a woman's wishes" or to mean that a man has no other priorities.

 

YES I think that if marriage / life long comittment is the goal, the relationship does for the most part need to be THE top priority. Circumstances may come up, for example illness or death in the family, out of work, etc... that prevent that 100% of the time...but for the most part, it should be.

 

It doesn't mean a relationship is someones only goal. Of course it doesn't! People have many goals, many things they put their efforts and energy into! But should work / hobbies / friends come before a lifelong partner? I don't think they should.

Edited February 20, 2012 by veggirl

[ThaWholigan]

I don't think that traveling to pursue my avocation is "acting like I'm single." Fortunately for me, my husband doesn't think that either. He is very proud and supportive.

 

I do agree that if both people have stuff to do that is extremely demanding of time and energy, and the things don't overlap, the relationship can suffer.

 

Balance is very important.

 

I doubt that most men consciously think "my relationship with my girlfriend is my number one priority in life." That sounds more like "the right answer" to a probing girlfriend.

 

Precisely. I think that obviously if one is considering marrying this woman and it is serious, then it should be a priority, but it depends on what one wants out of life. I consider myself to be quite an ambitious person and there are a lot of passions I have and goals I wish to pursue. I would then have to decide which is more important to me: My life's mission or my partner. Unless I could provide a balance.

 

My point is that the fact that I expect my relationship to have a serious influence on my partner's life, just like I expect it to have a serious influence on mine. I want us to spend a considerable amount of time together and since a day only has 24 hours, that means that there will automatically be less time for other things.

That does not mean I don't want to spend time without my partner and will have no interests apart from him, I will and I have.

You can only build a connection by sharing things and that again requires spending time together.

 

That is at least the way I want it. I have no intention to be content with a bit of crumbs of time after my partner has done all the other things he is interested in.

 

I understand, and I suspect there are a lot of women who feel this way (probably quite a few men too). I too would believe my SO would have a large influence over me too, and that intimacy can only be built through time together.

 

Well, I don't consider making a LIFE-LONG PARTNERSHIP to be "caving into a woman's wishes" or to mean that a man has no other priorities.

 

YES I think that if marriage / life long comittment is the goal, the relationship does for the most part need to be THE top priority. Circumstances may come up, ex illness or death in the family, out of work, etc... that prevent that 100% of the time...but for the most part, it should be.

 

It doesn't mean a relationship is someones only goal. Of course it doesn't! People have many goals, many things they put their efforts and energy into! But should work / hobbies / friends come before a lifelong partner? I don't think they should.

 

Well, I was being a tad disingenuous but you know what I mean . Some women do want their man to be around all the time, even when he has other **** to do, my little brother is experiencing this problem right now. It depends on what ones work is to be honest. I have big big goals in my life, and I would probably require a lot of time to do it. I wouldn't put them before a life partner necessarily, unless I had to. But I don't think I could be in a relationship where I would have to spend all of my time with my partner just because she wants me to. I guess that's just me really. I think the game will probably change once I have children, and then the importance of my partner and my family will be much elevated.

[TheFinalWord]

should a man's number one priority in his life really be his relationship? Or should it be his ultimate pursuit or mission in life?

 

I guess it depends how you measure prioritization. The old quality vs. quantity? Is it time spent together? Depth of intimacy?

 

If have a mission in life and my SO has a mission in life, and we are compatible for a LTR, our paths will become one and we will share a similar vision I also feel that if you are with the right person you will be able to accomplish more in life, rather than less. So there will be an intrinsic value to the relationship that will cause a man to prioritize it. I don't think a man will sit down and try to measure and assess his level of involvement though, it will be inherent by his actions.

 

Basically I think priorities will sort themselves out if you find the right person. Obviously, this doesn't happen overnight. So I think you should stay true to yourself and not wrap your identify up in another person until you both agree you're in a serious LTR.

 

I think if a man has compatibility with his partner, wisdom/life experience, and maturity he will naturally prioritize the relationship.

 

Also, I noticed the OP said prioritize the relationship over a hobby. I'm not sure the context of the original post where this was quoted. But I would not try to stop a man from his leisurely activities. For example, if he builds cars and you tell him "if you love me you would be with me instead of working on your car" get ready for grief. LOL Obviously if he neglects his SO consistently for his hobby, there's a problem. But a man needs balance in his life. He can't be around a woman 24/7

 

But again I think if there is compatibility this will work itself our. For me, my main hobby is weight lifting and working out. This was a problem for my ex b/c she would want to be on the phone for hours and I would get stressed b/c I missed my gym sessions. Eventually it caused me to resent her. It's not that I didn't prioritize her, but I wasn't able to "be me". Now, if she was also into weight lifting/working out, this whole problem wouldn't have even existed. If there's high compatibility and you both have major hobbies in common prioritizing the relationship will be natural.

 

Hope that makes sense. This post is kind of scattered, but I'm busy today

[ThaWholigan]

My top ten priorioties in life are my girlfriend. My top million.

 

I'm also her top priority.

 

This doesn't distract anyway from other aspects of our lives. We share a lot of interests and there are some interests that we pursue on our own.

 

I'd drop everything in a nanosecond if she needed me. I also know that anything she wants or needs in life has taken my welfare or feelings into account. However, 'in the real world' our goal is to make eachother happy and neither of us has to sacrifice anything. It's actually easier to have a fulfulling life in other areas of life when your relationship is strong.

Very interesting perspective. Maybe one I should consider. I would also drop everything if my partner needed me obviously. I would be happy to sacrifice my passion & career for the right woman if it required that. As I said, it depends on what one's goals in this life are, and I feel that mine will require lots of time unfortunately.

[Saxis]

For me, that depends on the seriousness of the relationship. Just starting to date, my priorities will be with me and my family. But the second I realize that the relationship has real potential and I love her, I will treat her just as family. That doesn't mean I throw everything else aside for her and the relationship though. It means I take her into consideration and we agree together what we need/expect from each other.

 

Too much disparity in expectations breeds major problems... I've been in the situation where an X would get bent out of shape if I did something other than hang out with her at home. Nothing emergent going on, she just felt betrayed because I had other interests, and she apparently didn't. Never again...

[zengirl]

When you meet a man, I do not think you should make him your #1 priority or expect him to make you his. However, I do think the relationship needs to be a priority if it is going to evolve and generally your family (and a spouse is family to me, even without kids) should be one of the top priorities, if not THE top priority in your life. I couldn't marry a man who prioritized his hobby ABOVE me; at the same time, I think having strong hobbies and passions and a love for your work and other priorities is crucial. It's just a manner of being able to appropriately prioritized your loved ones (once they become your loved ones).

 

I mean, hubby has passions and hobbies, and they were definitely more important than me WHEN WE MET. Are they more important than me now? Probably not. If I were going to die if he played another video game/took another photograph/fixed up another car, I think he could give them up. But I also think it's selfish, wrong, and stupid to expect someone to give up their hobbies for you---yes, a SO needs to make time for you and a space in their life, but the thread you reference is one where a woman has a particular problem with the man's hobby, and that's another cuppa tea.

[Tailspin]

I don't want a man to make me hes number one priority. That probably means he'll be a puppy dog and follow me around all the time. Grossss...

 

Give me a man who'll put me lower on his list of things and who has a life.