hawkgirl24 Posted February 20, 2012 Posted February 20, 2012 My boyfriend of 3 and a half years broke up with me over the phone on Valentine's Day. It was completely sudden, and he did it as we were in the middle of a fight. Earlier in the day, he was completely fine, and was being very loving towards me. When he broke it off, he said that it was because we fought over little things, and I made it hard for him to love me. I couldn't believe it! He had never expressed this to me before. He talked to me the next day, and it was basically the same things, saying he needed to be single and not with me. I was heartbroken. I tried to be strong and not talk to him, but I caved the next night, and to my surprise, he replied saying he wanted to continue talking to me. He then proceeded to talk to me like normal (like nothing really happened) for a few days! He never mentioned our relationship, but he would tell me about my day, ask about my day, and seemed very happy talking to me. I thought it would be a good idea to meet in person, so that we could get everything out in the open, and he agreed. Yesterday, we talked even more, and it seemed like things were going to work out. He suddenly changed his tune, saying that the real reason we were broken up is because he needed to see how it feels to be single, and that would help him see if I truly am the person for him. He had never told me about this before, either! I pleaded, and told him that if he continues to be with me, he can go out with his friends, and do whatever he wants with them, but he didn't want that. Later on, he then told me that the "real" reason is that I am not interested in the things he is interested in. He likes working out every day for hours at a time, and I don't. He likes adventurous eating, I don't. He said that I am quick to judge others, and he's not. Although those are opposites, I have no problem being more open minded and changing those aspects, but again, he didn't want me to change. He kept saying he needed to be single, yet he still wants to talk to me because we are best friends. I told him that would not be good for me, because like before, I would have a sense of false hope. I do think he owes it to me to meet me in person when I am ready, and really tell me the truth. He kept saying that he knows this is what he wants, but he feels awful and doesn't know why. I feel like that, in a way, is giving me false hope as well, because I think that he'll regret doing this, even though he may never regret it. Is it a good idea for me to cut off all contact with him, for at least a week, and see what happens? I want more than anything to be with him, but I owe it to myself, and him, to not communicate. Also, should I meet with him in person, maybe in about a week, to really get the truth out of him? He has given me so many answers and excuses, and I need to know what really caused him to break up with me like this.
kwoman99 Posted February 20, 2012 Posted February 20, 2012 I was in a similar situation just a couple weeks ago. it hurt so much that my ex wasnt even willing to try. now I find out he was already seeing someone else the day after we broke up and then spent valentines day together the next day. Im not saying thats whats happening in your situation but it could be a possibility. Its very odd that after 3 and a half years he is now deciding that you dont have stuff in common and is ready to call it quits. I would advise you to give him his space (NC). I know its going to be hard but maybe he really just need some time to himself to realize what he has. in the mean time stay busy and try not to focus on it too much
CaliBabe Posted February 20, 2012 Posted February 20, 2012 Have you considered that it may be another woman?
jus d'orange Posted February 20, 2012 Posted February 20, 2012 This sounds very similar to my breakup 3 weeks ago, except flip the genders. My ex gave me a myriad of reasons, including wanting to be single, being too different (we'd been together for 3 years 8 months, so we worked together fine), not being in love with me anymore but still loving me, wanting to have space to learn about herself, etc. She was afraid of losing the best-friendship too. You can call this whatever you want (GIGS), you can try to discover the "real" reason (another woman, wanting to be single, whatever)... the point is none of it matters. The way the person feels is the way they feel. If they want to leave the relationship and do so, even if it's wrong from a logical point of view, it is what must happen. If his reasons are good, or even if they're not but they're permanent, this is the end. There is nothing you can do to change that. All you can do now is to focus all of your energy on your healing process. Do not contact him. You can tell him that you're not going to get in touch with him and that he shouldn't get in touch with you, but you don't have to. It isn't possible to have a healthy relationship by becoming his doormat and losing your self-respect by asking him to come back or to keep prying for the "real" reason. Take this time to heal, to get in touch with old friends and family, to talk it out, and to find out who you want to be-- and then make that happen. If, some time down the road when you're recovered from this, he realizes he made a huge mistake, he will come back to you. At that point, you have the choice and the power of personal choice and happiness again. That may happen any time. However, you can only both get back into a relationship when you're both ready, both totally over it, and can start a totally NEW relationship. Best of luck. I know exactly how you feel, and it's really tough. You can do this. Believe in yourself.
Author hawkgirl24 Posted February 20, 2012 Author Posted February 20, 2012 Have you considered that it may be another woman? I actually asked him point blank if there was someone else. He replied that there was no one else, and I believe him.
Author hawkgirl24 Posted February 20, 2012 Author Posted February 20, 2012 I do realize that I am making excuses now. Even though I don't think his reasons are justified, I need to see that he broke up with me. No matter the reason, this is what he wanted to do, and I need to see that. I keep thinking that I'll give him time, and he'll see what he's missing. But I can't do that! I need to go into this no contact period by trying to work on myself without him. It is so hard, especially since he said he could realize that I'm the right person for him. But I can't hold onto those words, and I need to expect the worst. But right now, I just can't. I'll still hope, and I'll still want him, and I'll still miss him terribly. I'll still cry every day, and I really can't see this getting any easier. I'm already obsessing over what he's doing and who he is hanging out with! Doing that will kill me.
kwoman99 Posted February 20, 2012 Posted February 20, 2012 You've already made the first step by Realizing that u need to try to move on even though you are thinking it is impossible. Go out with your friends. Just focus on doing what makes you happy and just STAY BUSY. Times heals all! Hang in there!
jus d'orange Posted February 20, 2012 Posted February 20, 2012 (edited) Hawkgirl, I totally understand that feeling. My ex told me that she could still see us happy together years down the road. It's also as if she wanted to tell me that she wants to re-meet someday and get back together. Even if what our ex-es said is true, that still requires us to move on and become our new, improved selves. If your ex truly loves you, moving on is what they want for you, and it seems like that's what you want, too! Something that has really helped me with that strange, dangling sense of hope about a reconciliation-- it's a Catch 22. It can't happen unless you give up and move on. Even more helpful is to realize that a reconciliation can't happen until this relationship and all its hangups and attachments end entirely. A new relationship can't begin with an ending, so if someday the two of you want to rekindle things, it will be a whole new romance. In the meantime, learn to smile because it happened, and realize that someone new might (and probably will) come along who will change your perspective all over again. There's a better future awaiting you, regardless of who you are or aren't with. Make it happen! Also... definitely agree with woman99 about the need to keep busy. If you're focused on a host of new activities and experiences, it won't be possible for you to sit and let thoughts of him hold your mind hostage. It's true that you'll think of him all the time, but gradually the pain associated with that will fade away. Edited February 20, 2012 by jus d'orange
Orianne Posted February 20, 2012 Posted February 20, 2012 It almost sounds like he just wants to keep you on the back burner while he goes and does his own thing. The best thing you can do for yourself is to move on and remove him from your life--if he wants to be with you, nothing you do will stop him.
CaliBabe Posted February 20, 2012 Posted February 20, 2012 If it's not another woman then it's possible he is just trying to find himself. Maybe he is seeing his single friends living it up and wants to give that life a try. It can look quite appealing to someone who has been in a realtionship for awhile. The real question is, how you feel if he does decide to come back.
Author hawkgirl24 Posted February 20, 2012 Author Posted February 20, 2012 If it's not another woman then it's possible he is just trying to find himself. Maybe he is seeing his single friends living it up and wants to give that life a try. It can look quite appealing to someone who has been in a realtionship for awhile. The real question is, how you feel if he does decide to come back. You know, that is exactly what it is. He told me that seeing his single friends made him want to try it out. I asked him if that meant he wanted to see other girls, and he assured me it wasn't. He just wants to be able to hang out with his friends and not have to worry about me, and how I feel about it. In a way, I get that. I was his first "real" girlfriend, and he has nothing to compare to me. My sister spoke to him today, and he said that although this is what he wanted to do, he feels very unsettled about it. Right now, if he came back, I would jump in his arms. But if I wait it out awhile, maybe I'll realize this is the best for me, too.
Old Flame Posted February 21, 2012 Posted February 21, 2012 I broke up with more than one girl on valentines day. I wanted it to hurt.
leoc1973 Posted February 21, 2012 Posted February 21, 2012 I read the first few lines of your origional post and I already knew why he did it because my bestfriend just did it with his girlfriend. He is dating someone else and she wanted to spend valentines with him. and his ex does not know there is a new girl and he swore on a stack of bibles that there is no one else and guess what she believes him too. I am going to tell you what I have said a million times to women on this site who have been wronged by men. If you want to know how he really feels about you. Stop talking to him and date someone else. Alls fair!!
Follower Posted February 21, 2012 Posted February 21, 2012 Im in the middle of a very hard breakup aswell, Right now you like me wounded, confused and desperate to be back with him. You tell youself right now you will change anything, your easy, your happy to be flexible because together you can make it with, and this may be true BUT Now im not trying to give you ANY hope because tht would be cruel but this is the way i getting through the breakup if you really want him back, he needs to come crawling back, he wounded you, in a vile and cruel way. Not man enough to say to your face in the first place, on v-day, and without the common decency to let you move on. Before you consider talking to him again you must make sure you have MOVED on from the breakup and from reading your post and you will know this yourself you have not, your clinging and straws and trying to convince yourself all can and will be well. He very possibly is the one for you but remember you cannot be sure if your the one for him untill he proclaims this himself with good thought and reason. Any proclamation of emotions or love from him while in the realtionship for your sake right now you need to disregard. Dont try to reason it in your head do not use them as things to work on to fix for him to come back to you. Get up get healthy get active and move on, if he really wants you he will want you regardless what your doing, so might as well be happy while he realises this. And who knows you might move on completetly while your happy letting him realise.
GKM Posted February 21, 2012 Posted February 21, 2012 I feel your pain. My man of FIVE years and the reason I moved to the USA (away from my family!) broke up with me two days before V day, for no understandable reason :'( It kills me inside, that after all that time and energy there is no concrete REASON...but there doesnt have to be. His actions are louder than any reason- he canceled my ticket to our holiday THIS week to Germany before I got home! So not only was I out of a relationship, but a free vacation as well (his brother had paid for our tickets to come visit) SUCH a jerk
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