brob82 Posted February 20, 2012 Posted February 20, 2012 Hi everyone, I'm new here and looking for a little insight/advice. I've been seeing this girl now for almost 2 months. I'm 29 and she's 27. We've been on quite a few dates. I stay and her place sometimes and we've been sleeping together. Well, last Thursday I asked her if she thought what we had going on had potential. She said she hadn't thought much about it but that she was having fun spending time together. She said she was glad I could ask things like this. I made the question as light-hearted as I could, because I didn't want to scare her away having some super deep feeling conversation after only two months. I merely just wanted to see where she stood. We were at her place and the rest of the night went well. We watched a movie ate some food and what not. I left she kissed me and every thing seemed fine. I knew she was busy Friday and Saturday so I didn't really contact her. We don't contact each other 24/7 so it wasn't weird that we didn't speak. So Sunday I texted her and asked her how the show was on Friday night (she went to a comedy show). NO REPLY. Now, even though we aren't in contact constantly she pretty much always responds to me. So this was a little out of the ordinary. I saw that she had updated her Facebook Sunday evening so I know she wasn't dead! Also, she is normally on Facebook a decent amount as she has a lot of friends that she made during school and that's how she keeps in touch, but the one update was all she made all weekend. Which is weird as well. So, my question is how do you all think I should proceed here??? I have a few things of hers and she has a few things of mine. I would like to get mine back. Right now I'm assuming the worst, that I scared her off with my 'talk'. How long should I give it before I contact her again? When I do should I acknowledge that I thought it was pretty immature to just disappear and that she could have at least said like "This isn't working" or whatever?
Ninjainpajamas Posted February 20, 2012 Posted February 20, 2012 To me it sounds like she's in that transition period, where she's not really looking for something super serious and she's also enjoying the company and the way things are going at this moment. I think the serious talk kinda changed the tempo and comfort level of the relationship, not because it was necessarily a bad thing but it was now probably something to think about...especially with you eyeing in the direction of something more serious If you're the one bringing up that question. I think it is wise to let a woman bring up that kind of a question, but that's just my opinion, I just think it changes the dynamic since you were both on equal terms but now somebody kinda wants to move it along or take it to the next level, and if that other person is not ready then they either need to think about it or will be a little stand-offish. I believe though that when a woman is really into you she doesn't use much reason into the process, when she is having fun with you it's essentially because you're someone she has control over herself with. If you had made her too emotionally attached then she'd either be scared or start to panic and start asking you those kind of questions. So you can either look at is as "scarring her off" or that you're going to scare someone off If they are not that into you or not ready for a relationship. I would say to cut your losses at this point in terms of hoping for a relationship, unless you really want to confront her and have a talk with her...maybe there is a variable here you're overlooking or I'm not taking into consideration here. But generally she probably doesn't consider this a deep relationship, she may be thinking maybe she even got a bit carried a way (women tend to do a lot of things on a whim or moment at times) and maybe she's now backing away from that. Either way just give it some time, I'm sure she'll contact you at some point and give you some kind of reason she wasn't in touch, but we both know If she wanted more she would have totally went for it. Sorry brob, but that's just my assessment and opinion.
Author brob82 Posted February 20, 2012 Author Posted February 20, 2012 Well here's the thing, I wasn't necessarily thinking let's start a serious relationship when I talked to her. I just wanted to see if there was "potential" down the road. I never asked her to start a serious relationship. Thanks for your advice Ninja, I appreciate it. ANYONE ELSE? I'd love to hear more points of view...
Mrlonelyone Posted February 20, 2012 Posted February 20, 2012 IF your "talk did anything it did this. So you can either look at is as "scarring her off" or that you're going to scare someone off If they are not that into you or not ready for a relationship. Which really is not a bad thing. If their not "that" into you who needs them? If their not ready to be in a RLship and you are then who needs them? Once your at the having things at their house and have been dating for two months stage it is too late to just fade. Fading out at that point is just not done by normal healthy people. ______________________________________ Then there is the issue of her having some things of yours. Depending on what these "things" are you certainly need to contact her to get them back. If its something that has sentimental or good monetary value you really need to consider filing a small claims case. Just because a woman/man dose not like someone anymore does not mean you get to keep/dispose of their things any way you please.
Author brob82 Posted February 20, 2012 Author Posted February 20, 2012 Ok, so maybe I've jumped to the "fading-out"conclusion too quickly then? It has only been 3 days and 2 of them I know she had things going on. Something still seems a little weird since she hasn't responded to me, but maybe the "disappeared" is a little premature? The things that were left were not something that I couldn't replace, but I figured if this is a case where she's trying to fade out contacting her to get them back will give me a chance to tell her how F'd up it was to just vanish...
phineas Posted February 20, 2012 Posted February 20, 2012 Well here's the thing, I wasn't necessarily thinking let's start a serious relationship when I talked to her. I just wanted to see if there was "potential" down the road. I never asked her to start a serious relationship. Thanks for your advice Ninja, I appreciate it. ANYONE ELSE? I'd love to hear more points of view... Doesn't matter, she now thinks you have feelings for her & many women i've found get turned off by that if the guy brings it up first. You are no longer a challenge to her & may of even come accrossed as needy. (even though you weren't) but just mentioning is sometimes enough for a lot of women. So I let them bring it up. 2 months is way to early anyways.
Author brob82 Posted February 20, 2012 Author Posted February 20, 2012 Well this isn't the first time we've talked about feelings. She has told me before that she's glad she gave me her number and that she liked where things were going and wanted to keep it up. This was NOT the first time we've talked about things feelings wise. Like I said I was just wanting to get my point across that I don't want to waste my time on something if there was no potential.
Author brob82 Posted February 20, 2012 Author Posted February 20, 2012 We both have stated that we don't want to play games. Feelings were already known from both sides.
delmo Posted February 20, 2012 Posted February 20, 2012 You said you guys don't talk reguarly and its been 3 days you said and 2 of those days she had things on. She maybe is trying to figure out her feelings for you or like someone said, maybe you did put her off a bit by opening up even if in a light-hearted way, you made it known to her that you are at least considering if the realtionship has more in it. Let her contact you next
SmileFace Posted February 20, 2012 Posted February 20, 2012 Why not just call her? Do not decide a relationship is over based on her not replying to your text.
delmo Posted February 20, 2012 Posted February 20, 2012 Also, I had a similar-ish situation with an ex to yours. We met, we hit it off to begin with e.g having fun, kisses, some dates. I told her I liked her and if she would see a potential relationship. She said no and it was more a friendship she seen with us. I let her do the work as I tried to get over. We stayed friends but I didn't kiss her as I liked her. Then after a few weeks again. She asked me why I hadn't asked her out again and can't I read signs? When I said, you said you didn't want anything with me when I asked if we had more. Her words were something like ''When a guy comes out with stuff like that so early it's a turn off'' She could just be a loose cannon but I think there is some logic in it. The fun, easy going style, FWB type relationship you have at present is good for her right now because you are not tied together or 'official'. You need to do what is best for you though. If you like her a lot and she sees it as more casual. I'd even say try to move on. It'll hurt you, if you kiss when drunk or meet up together and you are wanting more but she's just enjoying herself and not seeing you as a potential boyfriend. I don't know how she feels but I hope you are doing alright.
Author brob82 Posted February 20, 2012 Author Posted February 20, 2012 So I have one that says don't contact her and another that says call her!? HAHA, Now I'm really confused! I don't know, maybe I'm over reacting. I don't know if I should call her though, because I don't to come off freakin' needy! I mean if she's already trying to figure out her feelings like someone said then I don't want to push her away by being THAT needy guy!
Author brob82 Posted February 20, 2012 Author Posted February 20, 2012 Honestly Delmo...I'm not doing that well. It drives me absolutely insane when I don't know what's going on. Not necessarily just in a relationship, but just in general. But when it's with dating it makes it even worse! The one thing is she KNOWS this is not a friendship thing. I've been pretty forward with my intentions even before this point and she had no qualms about it.
Imajerk17 Posted February 20, 2012 Posted February 20, 2012 Chill. You're still a few days and at least one unreturned phone call away from considering the possibility that she disappeared.
SmileFace Posted February 20, 2012 Posted February 20, 2012 I am not saying call her and beg for her to run back but you have no idea what may have happened. I mean obviously you are going to feel some type of way since she hasn't contacted you like regular but don't seat here and worry over this. Call her, see whats up, and move the hell on with you your life. Waiting for her to text you back is just bitching out, if you want to know what is going on, call her.
SmileFace Posted February 20, 2012 Posted February 20, 2012 I dealt with this crap from guys. I use to just sit around and wait for them to make the move but I don't have the time for that anymore. I am not going to deal with someone treating me any less then I deserve. If I find someone is acting any different, I am going to do my part to find out what has happened. If they don't change or provide an explanation or in your case dissappear, guess what? ... on to the next one. You have already told this girl what you are looking for, you don't have to wait around for anyone.
Mrlonelyone Posted February 20, 2012 Posted February 20, 2012 I have to call BS on the whole "men should not come out with this first because it's a turn off line". Guys: Look at it as if they genders were reversed. A man dating a woman for two months who bolts when a woman ask if the RL ship has potential is a committment phobe a player or a @$$hole. Why should men not just conclude the same thing about a woman who does that? A woman bolting when a man wants more does not mean something bad about the man, if anything it would mean something's wrong with the woman. (and vice versa.) @OP As another said you probably should call her. There are weeks where I just don't look at my phone and says when my phone isn't charged up and I don't even realize or notice it.
Author brob82 Posted February 20, 2012 Author Posted February 20, 2012 I feel you SmileFace and I understand what you're saying, but there's a difference between knowing you should just let it go and actually being able to do it. I suppose I should just wait it out a little and see what's up. I guess I really don't know what's going on and I'm assuming. Let's say I do call her, should I give it a few days or you're saying jump on the phone ASAP and get to the bottom of this?
polcas Posted February 20, 2012 Posted February 20, 2012 I just signed up to reply to this thread. I think you should NOT call her and wait for her to contact you. If she was put off by you bringing up the feelings talk and now you show her that you NEED to speak to her because she didn't reply to your text then it will ASSURE her that you're needy and she will very likely break it off with you. She's testing you and probably she expects you to fail so don't contact her and besides, if you're not sure of what to do just do nothing. If you call her not sure that it's the right move then you will sound needy, weak and worried and it will be offputting. Just try to have fun doing other things and wait for her to contact you and act like you didn't have the feelings talk. Good luck!
SmileFace Posted February 20, 2012 Posted February 20, 2012 I feel you SmileFace and I understand what you're saying, but there's a difference between knowing you should just let it go and actually being able to do it. I suppose I should just wait it out a little and see what's up. I guess I really don't know what's going on and I'm assuming. Let's say I do call her, should I give it a few days or you're saying jump on the phone ASAP and get to the bottom of this? Time is money. Don't get me wrong on this but why are willing to waste more time stuck in limbo for this girl who is acting hot and cold. Don't play any games. Call her, like for a regular conversation, just see what is up. Stop assuming and just call, it could be nothing, she can be on the rag for all you know and just wants to keep to herself for a couple days. Stop worrying and just call. Waiting days is a waste time and silly.
Author brob82 Posted February 20, 2012 Author Posted February 20, 2012 @MrLonelyOne I've been around her quite a bit so I'm pretty sure she's looked at her phone. In fact she updates her Facebook from her phone and as I said earlier she updated her Facebook yesterday. So I'm skeptical that it's a phone issue. Also like I said earlier as well her Facebook activity is suspect as well (NO, I'm not stalking her Facebook I just so happened to see her post and looked at her wall!). She is usually on their a decent amount keeping up with friends. So maybe something else is up? Maybe something that has nothing to do with me? I'm just taking it that way...
Author brob82 Posted February 20, 2012 Author Posted February 20, 2012 Holy crap! I have differing views like crazy here. I feel like I'm playing Russian Roulette! One person says if do this it'll scare her off and another says if I do the opposite it'll scare her off.
Author brob82 Posted February 20, 2012 Author Posted February 20, 2012 Oh and one other thing. Even though you all seem to be having different views talking with you guys is making me feel much better and I'm totally appreciating your input right now. Thanks, I'm glad I signed up!
SmileFace Posted February 20, 2012 Posted February 20, 2012 If you want to give it some time before you call that is fine but please don't let this stress you out. I know it is no fun waiting around for someone to play their part but sometimes we have to. However I still say call, so you can now you did your part in trying to work this out. If it doesn't work out, you know it isn't on you. I hope whatever you choose to do works out best.
polcas Posted February 20, 2012 Posted February 20, 2012 Always go with the simplest explanation. She hasn't contacted you because she didn't want to. We guys love to suppose she got into an accident or somebody stole her phone or whatever... You don't have to indulge her if she didn't feel like talking to you. You don't need to be punished because you wanted to have a talk, so you're ok, just don't let her play you.
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