96Firebird Posted February 20, 2012 Posted February 20, 2012 Week ago my girlfriend (22) of 3.5 years said she wanted space, so I (23) gave her until this weekend to figure out what she wants. Last night we break it off on good terms, she said she wants to find out who she is as an individual (GIGS). We agreed not to see other people for a month, and then revisit the subject to see how we both feel about it. She said if we get back together in the future, there won't be any more doubts in her mind. She said she still loves me and that she knows a lot of couples that go through this, blah blah blah. So we have a dog together, and live 4 houses away from each other (for now, my lease might be ending soon). The dog goes back and forth between our houses right now. So because of this, we still talk. And she still wants to talk every day, because she misses me. I'm not sure how that is going to work out, considering what happened last night. We were having small talk and I said I was going to get some sleep, so she says "Ok tty tmrw" So I respond with "Pc", and she texts back "Wow pc" and I said what, and she said nevermind. So I called her to get an explanation and she doesn't answer. This morning I text her to ask her what her problem was, and she said saying "Pc" was mean. I explained to her that we are friends now, and that is how I talk to my friends. So she said "Okay", and I say if she can't handle that maybe we shouldn't talk as often. She says sorry and says ok. Could I have handled this better? It would be hard to go NC because of the dog and the fact that her family loves me and invites me over for things, but I feel she won't be able to fully realize what she had (and is losing) if I am still around. She has very low self esteem though, which was part of the reason for the breakup. We had a slow time where we didn't have sex very often, and she took that as I wasn't attracted to her and there was no spark there. She said she wanted to end things on good terms because she never wants to be angry with me, and with her last long-term relationship when this happened she stayed and ended up resenting her ex. She said she never wants to feel that way with me, because I am too good of a person and she could see us getting back together in the future. Any tips, advice? I already have a plan to join a gym, taking my dog for daily walks, and going out with my roommates every weekend. I am going to turn myself back into the confident person I used to be, because I have gotten boring since I had my routine with my ex and I was ok with it. Thanks for reading.
TotallyC Posted February 20, 2012 Posted February 20, 2012 Do your thing, let her do her thing as well. Who knows about the future but she seems like she is hanging on and it will just hurt you both in the long run if she doesn't let go and find herself Joining a gym def works for me
Author 96Firebird Posted February 20, 2012 Author Posted February 20, 2012 "Pc" means peace, as in an informal way of saying bye. I'm not sure what she expected me to say...
Ajax Posted February 20, 2012 Posted February 20, 2012 I think that by joining the gym and making sure you're enjoying life to the fullest is the proper approach. Start doing things for you. I'm skeptical of this "break." First of all, it takes far longer than a month to truly find out who you are as an individual. To do that she would have to really be disengaged from the relationship, which would either take longer than a month to do, or she would have had to have been emotionally disengaged from the relationship before the "break." Neither one bodes well for reestablishing it. I think the best course is to treat this as a breakup, without any intentions of revisiting it in a month, six months, or a year from now.
Author 96Firebird Posted February 20, 2012 Author Posted February 20, 2012 (edited) The month thing was about us not seeing other people, but I think I am going to have to tell her that isn't going to work for me. Not really sure how I am going to say that yet, but while I went out this weekend and she stayed at home I'd say I have an upper hand in the ability to start seeing someone else. She also said if I DID start seeing someone else that she didn't want to know about it, but I feel like that would be cheating if I did it right now. I guess I'll have to make things clearer in that aspect of things. And I am really looking forward to joining the gym. I used to go to the gym when I was in college, but the membership got too expensive and I had to stop. Now that I have just graduated and have a well-paying full-time job, its like chump change. Edited February 20, 2012 by 96Firebird 1
flitzanu Posted February 20, 2012 Posted February 20, 2012 "i need space" = "i want to bang other dudes" she wants the freedom to "be herself" without the terms of a relationship, and also expects to talk to you every day? yeah right. that means you're the backup plan when her ideals don't flesh out.
Author 96Firebird Posted February 21, 2012 Author Posted February 21, 2012 Her friend already told me there wasn't another guy, and I believe her. She is too stressed from school and work to deal with fixing a relationship right now, so we decided to end it and see where things go for the future. Besides, it doesn't really matter if there is another guy or not. Unfortunately, I would probably find out quickly if there was. Just looking for some ways to handle the situation with the dog and living so close to her, and her wanting to still talk often. Not sure if pushing her away is the best way to do things because of her low self esteem, or if that would better my chances at her figuring out what she wants in life. If I'm always there, she can't figure out who "she" is.
rach24680 Posted February 21, 2012 Posted February 21, 2012 It seems like shes clinging to a future with you. And if shexwas upset that night she might have expected you to say you love her, but i understand how you are confused as space means space. I think you need to distance yourself and work out how you feel about the relationship, dont worry about ur house and dig for the time being and conectrate on yourself =)
Author 96Firebird Posted February 21, 2012 Author Posted February 21, 2012 She texted me again last night to see if she should come over to get the dog in the morning, something she has been doing for a while now. So I said yeah, and she said "otay" trying to look cute. I never responded, as I was ready for bed anyways. Then I get a text this morning from her asking if she should get food for the dog, and I said I would get some on my way home from work. Seems she still wants to text me all the time, so I asked her if she wanted to continue limited contact so she won't get mad at me. She hasn't responded yet, so right now I am just looking for more input.
Frank13 Posted February 21, 2012 Posted February 21, 2012 Here is some input. Give her the dog for a month and go strict NC. She isn't missing you if you keep in contact. If this doesn't work, have her pick up and drop off the dog at your place WHILE YOU ARE GONE, like at the gym. You are nothing but a security blanket to her. She gets her freedom but you are there if she wants you, on a string. I also don't buy this "breaking up because she has low self esteem". People with low self esteem would want to be in a relationship to boost their ego. It sounds to me like she has plenty of self esteem and wants to break up because she thinks she can do better. I agree with flitzanu - "i need space" = "i want to bang other dudes" She may not have one lined up now, but that's what she is wanting. She even told you basically that it is okay if you see other women as long as you don't tell her. She is saying this to offset any guilt she thinks she may have seeing other guys. There is nothing good about this situation. If you are okay with breaking up and want to be friends it is fine, but if you want her back, you are doing everything wrong. 1
Author 96Firebird Posted February 21, 2012 Author Posted February 21, 2012 Here is some input. Give her the dog for a month and go strict NC. She isn't missing you if you keep in contact. If this doesn't work, have her pick up and drop off the dog at your place WHILE YOU ARE GONE, like at the gym. I can't just give up my dog for a month, I've raised him for 2 years since he was 8 weeks old, we go on daily walks and play all the time. She already does pick up the dog when I am away at work. Like I said, I am in a much better position to get girls than she is to get guys. She barely goes out because she is too busy with school and work, while I have roommates and friends that go out all the time. But like I also said, I am not worried about that. If she wants to go out and be a whore as soon as she can, then I guess I'll know the true her and I won't have to worry about anything.
Frank13 Posted February 21, 2012 Posted February 21, 2012 Okay on her getting the dog while you are at while you are at work. That helps with staying NC. Oh, and this "Pc" thing sounds like a BS excuse for her to pick a fight to end things. The reason she hasn't responded yet to you asking if she wants limited contact is because you sound like a wuss to her. You tell her you are concerned that she will be mad at you. Why should you give a crap? She is the one that wanted the break. You aren't acting like a man and that is very unattractive. You are bowing down to everything she wants while she is free to pursue other guys. She is losing respect for you. So here is what you do. Go NC and if she gives you any crap simply tell or text her "You wanted your space, now let me have mine". Now you can ignore the advice like so many other people do, and then come back in a month and tell us how she is with someone else. You say she is so busy with school and work but said "she wants to text all the time". If she isn't too busy to text all the time, then she won't be busy to text some other dude all the time either. I am not trying to be harsh. I have just seen this exact thing played out so many times. She isn't going to miss what is always there.
jus d'orange Posted February 21, 2012 Posted February 21, 2012 Having another being in the situation does add to the difficulty. Dogs are great, and I totally understand how you don't want to lose a good friend to whom you cannot explain the reasons, even if it's just for a month. It does seem like, unwittingly at least, she's weaning herself off you. Unfortunately, that's good for neither of you. At this time, there is no point in trying to have a friendship because the two of you are at odds about what you want from your relationship. You can be cordial, of course. You seem like you've got everything under control, but her trying to be cute in texts, for instance, shows that she's still a bit confused as well. I think the best thing would be to arrange how dealing with the dog will be on a consistent basis, then minimizing contact as much as possible. If you have to get in touch, or happen to run into her, keep being mature and cordial as you have been. You can even explain to her that you want to minimize contact, but she doesn't have to agree. Do this for you.
flitzanu Posted February 21, 2012 Posted February 21, 2012 Her friend already told me there wasn't another guy, and I believe her. She is too stressed from school and work to deal with fixing a relationship right now, so we decided to end it and see where things go for the future. Besides, it doesn't really matter if there is another guy or not. Unfortunately, I would probably find out quickly if there was. Just looking for some ways to handle the situation with the dog and living so close to her, and her wanting to still talk often. Not sure if pushing her away is the best way to do things because of her low self esteem, or if that would better my chances at her figuring out what she wants in life. If I'm always there, she can't figure out who "she" is. her friend owes her loyalty to HER, not to YOU. why on earth would she be honest with you, and what does she have to lose in lying to you? besides, you know the last person to find out about a new guy when a girl is dumping one guy and seeing a new one? usually the best friend. but...again, maybe it isn't. thing is though, it doesn't matter if YOU believe she is capable of it or has the time for it. she's the only one that knows if she does. not to mention she's likely banking on the notion you believe that she wouldn't do something like that. girls are clever. guys usually not so much. no offense ladies.
Author 96Firebird Posted February 22, 2012 Author Posted February 22, 2012 Like I said, I'm not too concerned about another guy, if she wants to go out and be a whore straight out of a 3.5 year relationship then I guess I'd rather find out now rather than get back together and find out later. No dirt off my shoulders. She hasn't contacted me since yesterday morning when she told me she doesn't want to be mad at me and then I told her well then its best we don't talk for a while so we can both heal and figure out whats best for ourselves. I saw her for a brief moment dropping off the dog this morning, but I was already late for work so didn't say anything. She was getting ready for school, and just greeted the dog in her usual high-pitched happy tone. I'm sure it will get better with time.
flitzanu Posted February 22, 2012 Posted February 22, 2012 best advice been given is to keep the dog or give it to her. "break" means to split, and you're not even apart if you see each other daily dealing with this dog. honestly? it's not as important as a kid, but both of you are going to use it as leverage, if neither of you are doing it now...which it sounds like she might be. she's the one that wanted the break but is trying to maintain touch. as you've heard, you need to GIVE her that space. hardest way to deal with losing someone is to see them every day.
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