neglected Posted February 20, 2012 Posted February 20, 2012 A few days ago, I sat down at the computer and my 12 year old sons facebook page was pulled up. It was on his moms wall. I knew that she had started one just to monitor his activity and nothing else. We also have 2 18+ yo daughters that also watch him because he's the type that will post something wacky that needs to come down. My wife and I over the years have never had Facebook accounts, we have both agreed that it lets too many people know our business so we have stayed away. We have been together 25 years. I asked her about a month ago if she was still doing Facebook and he said "No, not really". Imagine my suprise when I cliicked on her wall on his page to find lots of activity and almost 100 friends. This alone propably would not have bothered me exept for the fact that she is friends on there with her ex from before she met me. Ex's have always been taboo for the 2 of us as we both the jealous type....another reason we have avoided Facebook. I have over the years avoided contact with ex's to avoid problems in our marriage. I could propably handle the other 99 but this one contact caused a lot of problems between the two of us early in our relationship as I was the one that had to rebuild her because he was such a p.o.s. to her. I have been biting my lip for about 5 days now.....what should I do??? Should I just let it go or confront her like I am itching to?
Tony T Posted February 20, 2012 Posted February 20, 2012 Your wife will be extremely embarrassed and upset that you invaded her privacy, even though it's her fault. She will be angry that she got caught in a lie. Forgive all that, everybody does it...there's nobody perfect. OK, what to do. One day just casually say this: "Dear, I found you on Facebook. No problem. For my birthday, though, could you please unfriend your ex?" That's all you need to say. Don't argue....do nothing else. Matter of fact, try to say it as you're leaving the house...or walking somewhere else. That will save her the pain of some of the embarrassment and give her time to think. She will feel very, very bad...but she will still be pissed. Don't hold this against her. I've learned that people are people...even the Pope may have a secret Facebook page and have some of his old girlfriends on his friend's list...from when he was a teen. Everybody's got little secrets...no getting around this. It's just a human thing. It's not fun, it doesn't make people feel good....but welcome to reality.
Tony T Posted February 20, 2012 Posted February 20, 2012 I forgot to mention...I have a number of exes and old lady friends on my Facebook page. It's been a long time for most and there's nothing whatsoever between us. Matter of fact, I haven't seen most of them in years. It's just nice to see what they're up to nowadays. It's not like I'm asking all of them for renewed romance or to meet me inside Room 204 at the downtown Hilton.
Author neglected Posted February 20, 2012 Author Posted February 20, 2012 I understand what you are saying and was not going to be aggressive about it.....I'm more hurt than pissed. I don't however think I invaded her privacy because it was pulled up on my sons page.....and the fact that her ex is friended seems disrespectful to me when all of our friends and family can see it.....it's like pouring salt on a wound.
Emilia Posted February 20, 2012 Posted February 20, 2012 I understand what you are saying and was not going to be aggressive about it.....I'm more hurt than pissed. I don't however think I invaded her privacy because it was pulled up on my sons page.....and the fact that her ex is friended seems disrespectful to me when all of our friends and family can see it.....it's like pouring salt on a wound. What wound? It seems to me it's more important to you how other people see you and what they think what what your wife is doing.
Author neglected Posted February 20, 2012 Author Posted February 20, 2012 the "wound" is what went on between the two of us over this guy when we first started dating and into the first 5 years. Maybe I wasn't clear enough in my first post. She had huge trust issues towards me simply because I was a man because of the stuff he did to her....cheating, lying ect....that I had to win back for something I really didn't do wrong in the first place. All of her family knew about this stuff back then and for me and them to see his name on her list now just seems wrong to me. She knows good and well how I feel about this guy, the mention of his name has always made my blood boil.
whichwayisup Posted February 20, 2012 Posted February 20, 2012 we have both agreed that it lets too many people know our business so we have stayed away. Get yourself a facebook page, add your kids and your wife. People only know your business if you post about it!! Remember that. Then, once you have her on your facebook, you can ask her about the ex and why he's on her friends list. Make a rule NO ex's allowed.. I mean in all honesty, if they are over and haven't spoken in years, what's the point of keeping in touch, even on FB? Even more so knowing how you feel about him..
creighton0123 Posted February 20, 2012 Posted February 20, 2012 Welcome to 2012. Having someone as a Facebook friend really doesn't mean anything in the way of what the person means to you. Most people I know have over 500+ facebook friends. I have 638, half of whom I've never met in person. A quarter of whom I haven't seen or talked to in over a decade. You don't "keep in touch" with facebook friends - at least not all of them. It's not a big deal. No need to make a mountain out of a mole hill. Just create a facebook profile, setup security so that everything is visible to 'friends only', then add your wife and ask her if she can unfriend him because it bothers you a little bit. Problem solved.
Try Posted February 20, 2012 Posted February 20, 2012 (edited) Your wife will be extremely embarrassed and upset that you invaded her privacy, even though it's her fault. What on earth are you talking about? How did he invade her privacy? She posted it on facebook for everyone including all her children to see. Also, since when can an ex have the right to see her page and not him? He has done nothing wrong and should not be shy about knowing what he knows. They have a rule that they are not to communicate with ex-lovers. Most couples have such a rule. She broke that rule and lied to him about her FB activities to keep the contact with the ex a secret. This is a big red flag. FB contact with ex-lovers is the number one way that emotional affairs (EA) get started. EA often later lead to physical affairs (PA). Her ex-lover knows her hot buttons and is better equipped to move in when their marraige has a normal down spell. He should not go soft or be beta when he tells her what she did wrong. He should demand that she defriend him immediately. She should be saying that she is sorry to him. She needs to be remorseful. The more that she fights you on this, the more you should worry. Edited February 20, 2012 by Try
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