my 10 month story.

[duragun10x52]

This is an old and ancient problem, but anyways i sort of feel like posting this.

I guess a bit of a background story on me is that i was a social retard at my old highschool, got diagnosed with depression, bipolar, psychosis and insomnia. probably has a big reason to do with why i was a social retard, but i suppose my looks and build [skinny] didnt exactly help my case at all.

 

so anyways, i changed highschool and repeated, for my final year of school.

at my first day, i was walking into my first class ever, and the most beautiful girl i have ever seen waved and smiled at me. i, being the socially retarded person i am, and have only kissed 2 girls in my 18 years of being on this planet, looked over my shoulder, because i didnt think she was smiling and waving at me. basically i had a massive crush on a girl who i think is exceedingly out of my league, and she always said hi to me whenever i passed her in the corriday, or in the schoolyard. This always made me have massive, long debated in my head over whether she genuinely liked me or not.

but that isnt the point of the story.

 

ANYway, back to the main point of the story.. i met a girl who was in my group of friends. at first i didnt think she was attractive at all, in fact probably a bit of the opposite side of the spectrum. anyways, after a few parties [which were the first i had been to], me and this girl got drunk, and i guess i got lucky enough to go all the way with her. it was my first time.

since i didnt really like her in a romantic way, and she admitted to me she didnt like me in a romantic way, we both just decided to keep doing it since it was fun.

after around 2 months, we sort of started to like each other. and we 'got into a relationship', whatever the **** that means. [she emotionally and physically blackmailed me to put it on my facebook even though i dont believe in that, since i think people who put their relationship status on fb are pretentious pricks] but however, i did it for her and to shut her up aswell.

 

anyways, throughout our relationship, several factors contributed to my depression and bipolar getting much worse. my sister had tried to kill her self the day before major exams, basically my family life is ****. probably the worst thing about it is that i dont actually have anything to do with the fighting or disagreements, but i always have to get dragged in and each family member try to make me choose a side.

as well to add to the depression, i was doing pretty terribly in school because i was a depressed, and sleepless. and i spent most of my afternoon and nights trying to catch up on sleep. also i had constant second thoughts about my relationship, and the girl who waved at me when i first started school was always in the back of my mind.

 

after the year ended, and the final exams were over, i attempted to get my first ever job. which i did. i got it in a designer clothes store some how..? apparently i am attractive, but i have psychosis, so it doesnt matter what anyone tells me, i think that my face is deformed.

i lost this job after 3 shifts because the regional manager fired me for not doing a job when i was told not to do that specific job in the shop. dont really care, designer girls clothes stores arnt exactly my passion in life, and i just applied there because i didnt think i would ever get a job there, and i really needed a job.

 

at the end of school, i was at my lowest point. i knew that everything that i had done this year was in vain, i wasnt going to get accepted into uni, and my ****ty family life was going to stay the same. i was staying at home in bed, depressed as usual.

my girlfriend had a big fight with a girl at school, and i wasnt there to support her, and she took this very badly. she took it as 'my boyfriend doesnt like me enough to stand up for me.' when in reality, i was depressed to the point of suicidal. i had suddenly stopped my antidepressants [foolishly i know], and was basically giving up on everything.

she had never forgiven me for that.

 

soo, i ended up getting into university, i was off my tits with happiness, especially that my school results [in terms of university scoring] was pretty dreadful.

 

in my blind excitement, i was looking up what a b of economics can get me in life, and this meant a BIG deal for me, since having depression basically lowers your expectations on life a lot. however, my girlfriend at the time, didnt get into the course she wanted, but she was doing what she wanted: a full time job, and getting qualifications part-time at a college. she did however get accepted in a degree that goes nowhere at all [b of arts], at the best uni in sydney. she constantly boasted about this on facebook, but when people asked her what course she got into, she replied with "doesnt matter".

this enraged me, but i never confronted her about it. i hate people who post their lives on facebook. especially when they are boasting about something.

 

my girlfriend took this excitement and messaging as: "he thinks that i am making bad decisions by not going to university and getting a full time job". so my girlfriend started to ignore me and said that i would become depressed again once i started uni, much like i did at school, because that sort of environment is a catalyst for my depression.

i was exceedingly hurt from this, and i asked her why she would say something like that. she told me it was because i didnt support or agree with the choices she made. i naturally was flabbergasted; mainly because i didnt judge her decisions, and in fact i was very excited for her. we ended up settling this.

 

anyways, my family and friends were really happy for me, and my family encouraged me to take a break, and not necessarily go looking for a job straight away; and i suppose that because it was christmas time, it wouldnt have been easy at all since all the christmas casual jobs would have been taken.

once again, my girlfriend took this in a negative way, especially since she had a full time job at this point. i told her that i thought that i deserved a break, especially because of the events of the year, and that its not like i wouldnt be doing anything in the longrun, which she was very afraid; [i would be going to uni]. she didnt agree with this at all. ever since i got into uni, and she didnt get into the course she wanted, something changed. she started treating me differently and was aloof with me. on facebook she would boast about how she got into the most prestigious uni in sydney, but was turning it down because she was better than that.

 

after another month, things went pretty ****ing dreadfully. she was cold, aloof, mean. basically she was nit-picking the **** out of our relationship. and i had no idea why. all of it was drowning my joy of relief into being accepted into uni, as well as bringing back on my depression.

i had been depressed for years, and in a constant state of denial. to deal with my depression, i would play video games. this was because i felt like i was in a completely different world whenever i looked at a computer screen. the same rules that apply in real life do not apply in video games, and for this, it masked my worries and made me feel as if everything was ok.

i resorted back to playing video games, and on my girlfriends day off, i would visit her at her house. i would ask her whether she would like to go out anywhere, or go out clubbing, but she would so no.

 

one particularly bad night, i ask her what the problem is. she was back to acting aloof and cold. she says to me: "you're ridiculously childish, you dont take advice without taking it to heart, and you want to stay the ways things were in highschool" [meaning that i stay at home and play xbox]. she also said that me not having a job meant that she would have to constantly buy me things. even though this isnt entirely the case, as sometimes i would have money and sometimes she would have money, and i would buy her things and she would buy me things. she had gotten big headed from having a full time job.

she constantly made status' on facebook saying how she was buying a whole bunch of clothes and things that she didnt need, but that doesnt matter because she is 'rich', of course, i loathed this, but kept it in. she also boasted how she was a manager at her work. but, this was not true. her work said: 'they may promote her to a manager if things go well at her shop [since it was failing before she started to work there]. they also had to wait three months, as this was policy. so that also pissed me off, but of course i kept my mouth shut, because i knew this would just upset her, and it wasnt worth the trouble. i cant change the fact that she likes to boast about things on facebook..

ANYWAY, so after she tells me that she thinks i should have a job, the next day, i go off and try to find a job. i handed out resumes to everywhere that i could find. surprisingly the next day, i get a call back from another designer brand store, and seems like i have an hour trial shift. basically i got the job.

i could see that this made a difference to her, and once again she was happy.

i didnt have many shifts at all, but it was only 3 weeks until full time uni started, and this didnt bother me all too much, as i cant handle a demanding job, whilst doing uni..what i didnt know, is that this apparently bothered her.

 

 

on a night when we were suppose to go out with friends, she decided not to go since she was tired from work, and we were both laying on my bed at 9pm on our laptops, on a saturday night, doing nothing. i felt like ****. foolishly i say: "wow, we've gotten boring".

at this point, she stops talking to me for an hour. [a common occurrence when something she i do she doesnt like happens.] after an hour of me asking her what was the matter, she tells me that being with me is like drowning. i suck the joy from her life and that i am the one who does nothing. she also told me that she was only with me because she didnt want to be alone.

i guess i understand where she is coming from, and i understand why she was feeling this way. but what i dont understand it why she didnt mention any of this before now instead of being cold and aloof.

i say: "things arnt working out anymore". and she leaves. at first i felt relief, and i didnt have any contact with her. naturally i felt a bit broken hearted and anxious in the stomach, but it was at least bearable.

 

four days after our breakup, she sent me a message saying she misses me. i tell her she doesnt miss me, she misses having someone. she asks me why i would say something like that, and i reply back with "because you dont actually like me for me". as in, me who makes my own decisions, and wants to take a ****ing holiday. we sort of started texting again like usual, and i guess i was lured back in, and i tried to reignite something inbetween us for old times sake. BIG, ****ING, MISTAKE.

 

the night of the break up, one of my 'good friends' accidentally caught the wrong bus at 3 o'clock in the morning, and he called me asking if he could crash the night at my place. i said yes, and told him that me and my girlfriend were no more.

what i didnt take into account was this guys capability to be a cunt. he asked what had happened between me and my girlfriend, and i was honest with him. i said: 'the fact that i have depression puts alot of pressure on her, and its sort of been coming for a couple of months now, and i guess we both didnt split up earlier because we were both scared of being alone".

this guy also has a full time job, and he has 'lunch dates' with my girlfriend most days of the week. i wasnt worried about anything happening between them, since the guy has a girlfriend who is a model. but alas, this guy was from 'the cool group' in school. but he wasnt as bad as the usual jocks, since he, like me, plays computer games, and was sort of a nerd at heart. but like everyone in a 'cool group' at school, he was into himself.

anway..few days after my breakup, this guy tells my ex on a lunchdate, that i had said that the only reason she didnt break up with me earlier was that she didnt want to be alone. this gave her ammunition to hate me. the tables were turned, and i left myself exposed by trying to reignite something. she cut me open, telling me how i am always miserable, always depressed, always everything that i know i am. i guess i put her back into her place by telling her that she didnt do anything herself to help the situation, i was the one who tried, i got a job, i am not doing nothing. if all of this bothered her, why didnt she bring this up earlier? instead of leaving it until everything exploded.

 

anyway, so here i am, writing this for some reason, not sure what to expect, since i am a lurker, and i myself havnt really read anything like this. i write this for the reason that i am pretty sure my ex has gone to the city clubbing, and has already hooked up with another guy. whilst i am alone at home, in bed. depressed.

i am not angry at her for leaving, and i am not angry at her for how she feels. what i am angry at her for is that she never communicated to the full extent. she never told me what was truly on her mind. instead she stopped talking to me and treated me like ****; in the form of being aloof, snide, and putting me down for my decision to join uni.

 

i am not too sure what to expect posting this here, not even sure if anyone would give a ****. tbh, wouldnt blame you. but i guess this is a little bit of my story over the past 10 months.

[laterenima]

Hey! Much like your lack of reason as to why you posted the message, I'm not sure why I'm commenting as I've got no solution to your problem.

You sound a lot like me, however, and you shouldn't feel alone. People tell me I'm "hot", "cute" and "attractive" and I find it valueless because it comes from people I can't relate to.

If lonely and isolated is what you feel, rest assured knowing that I'm here too!