Online Dating really damaged my confidence and self esteem

[U1987]

I've never seen any statistics.

 

Just scroll to the bottom of your "Sent" and "Inbox"

[Mme. Chaucer]

So, OP - what do you think about the quote from only_quotes_jerks from a previous post of yours?

 

You were right. Every girl you contact picks up on this attitude. None of them like it.

 

Can you understand this?

 

It's not exactly your "fault" that you feel this way, but it's crazy that you do and still think that for some reason, any of these girls would feel like having sex with you.

 

Do you understand that people - almost all of them - HATE to feel manipulated and used?

[TheBigQuestion]

So, OP - what do you think about the quote from only_quotes_jerks from a previous post of yours?

 

You were right. Every girl you contact picks up on this attitude. None of them like it.

 

Can you understand this?

 

It's not exactly your "fault" that you feel this way, but it's crazy that you do and still think that for some reason, any of these girls would feel like having sex with you.

 

Do you understand that people - almost all of them - HATE to feel manipulated and used?

 

Every single post I've read where he shares an example of his online dating technique indicates that he's incredibly dull, not necessarily manipulative. If that comes across in his real-life interactions with women, I think that's a bigger culprit than him being manipulative. The latter is pure speculation on the part of anyone online, since we haven't seen him in action. It's easier to form the conclusion that he's dull and formulaic because that's what people online have actually seen.

[Mme. Chaucer]

Well, the quoted post is about how can he make himself "seem genuinely interested" when he really hates talking to her, thinks she's an air-head, and just wants to have sex asap.

 

It shows in all his emails: "Your profile really stood off the page" to 200+ girls?

 

Sounds manipulative.

 

I don't like this guy, that's no secret, but my feelings aside - I think that his big stumbling block is that he is trying to trick them - and he has NO skills for succeeding in tricking them. Therefore, he is going to need to find a girl who just wants to have sex. With HIM. Which might entail paying for it, since all the charming guys are getting the free sex, mostly.

[U1987]

I'm sure one reason why you didn't succeed were your pictures and I told you to change them, but of course, you didn't listen to me.

 

I checked my private message list and as far as I can tell, I never sent you a link to my profile, unless you had posted under a different name.

[U1987]

Seems like it. You also often ask how to "teach girls a lesson" for not responding to you,

 

I've only asked that once, and didn't I have a right to be upset? Do you know what it's like to be constantly ignored by people you want to meet? I had a right to be upset. I didn't want to curse or degrade any of these girls, I just wanted to tell them something that would make them feel a little guilty, but the consensus was that it was a bad idea, so I went with that.

 

and how to somehow force or trick a girl to be isolated with you when she clearly does not want to be.

 

I asked how to get a girl to agree to be alone with you. Why is that trickery? Why do you have such a negative, old-fashioned view about hooking up?

[U1987]

So, OP - what do you think about the quote from only_quotes_jerks from a previous post of yours?

 

You were right. Every girl you contact picks up on this attitude. None of them like it.

 

Can you understand this?

 

No, I don't understand. How can these girls pick up on it simply by reading a message? Don't you have to meet someone and not only listen to what they say, but pick up on their body language, voice intonation, rhythm and such to get an idea how they feel?

 

If I see a girl online who's attractive, but her profile is only 2 or 3 sentences long and full of text speak, you can't expect me to honestly feel any inherent esteem for her. How can she possibly pick up that lack of esteem by simply reading words on a page? Is she psychic?

 

 

Do you understand that people - almost all of them - HATE to feel manipulated and used?

 

I understand, but you've NEVER explained how I'm manipulating anyone.

[U1987]

 

It shows in all his emails: "Your profile really stood off the page" to 200+ girls?

 

Do you remember the poster BackUpOrGetStung? He was a successful online dater, and he told me to use this. When I formulated my final draft for mass emails, some girls on here told me they like it, so don't blame me. I initially didn't want to but I turned to it out of no choice.

 

Do you understand that personalized emails are completely ineffectual? Do you know what it's like to take all the time to write a sincere, personalized message and it's not responded to? It's humiliating and disappointing. It really does hurt; do you understand that?

[kiss_andmakeup]

I've only asked that once, and didn't I have a right to be upset? Do you know what it's like to be constantly ignored by people you want to meet? I had a right to be upset. I didn't want to curse or degrade any of these girls, I just wanted to tell them something that would make them feel a little guilty, but the consensus was that it was a bad idea, so I went with that.

 

 

 

I asked how to get a girl to agree to be alone with you. Why is that trickery? Why do you have such a negative, old-fashioned view about hooking up?

 

 

Her view is simply that the hook up should be on both peoples' terms, not just yours. You want to trick girls into thinking you're genuinely interested in getting to know them and building a relationship with them, when really you just want sex. If you genuinely can't see why many will have a problem with that, you have some severe mental and social issues.

 

But honestly, I don't think anyone here should get too worried about these girls' well-being, as it seems painfully obvious that you're not getting laid any time soon. I feel bad for all of the frustrated guys on here who want dates, relationships, love, sex, and happiness, but can't find it. I feel bad for them even when they start to get hostile and bitter and blame women because I understand that they've experienced a lifetime of rejection and that their self esteem has been lowered severely.

 

But I do not feel bad for you, and in fact, I'm glad you post multiple identical threads every few months to tell us how badly you are failing at your miserable attempts to get a hot chick into bed. I've followed all of your threads, and you strike me as an arrogant, self-important boderline sociopath with an inflated sense of self-worth and entitlement who sees women as targets to hit and thinks absolutely nothing of the emotional consequences.

 

So please, continue as you are. It's obviously not working, and that's better for the women you (attempt to) date.

[U1987]

 

But I do not feel bad for you, and in fact, I'm glad you post multiple identical threads every few months to tell us how badly you are failing at your miserable attempts to get a hot chick into bed. I've followed all of your threads, and you strike me as an arrogant, self-important boderline sociopath with an inflated sense of self-worth and entitlement who sees women as targets to hit and thinks absolutely nothing of the emotional consequences.

 

I don't understand what I've ever done or said to you to deserve this.

 

I've been honest with all of you; I never asked how to "trick" or "deceive" girls into casual relationships, but how to bring it up with them and get them to agree.

 

I've explained that there were girls I did genuinely like because they were smart and interesting (compared to all the text-speakers with 3-sentence profiles on OLD) and how to get them to notice me online.

 

The vast majority of my texts have simply been about how to get girls to notice you online.

 

Please explain how/why I have been deceitful or malicious, because I've only been truthful on here.

[El Brujo]

I know everyone keeps saying "don't take online dating seriously" but honestly, I feel like I've lost everything in a gambling binge; every message I sent was like another quarter (and another bit of my self esteem and confidence) down the slot which I could either win back by meeting someone or lose if they never responded.

 

That was your mistake... you've let OLD get to you.

 

Take it from an older guy who's lived through it: nobody gains anything real from OLD except the person running the company.

 

Hell, I won't even do speed dating any more, even though I'd actually have to be there in person. A couple of weeks ago, I got an e-mail from some guy who hosts speed dating parties, practically begging me to attend one of them---for free!!! (I think I posted about this in another thread.) And I turned his offer down, because speed dating isn't for people who know what they're looking for. You may call me a dummy, but I know what I like.

 

Now I'm seriously thinking about leaving one of the meetup groups I belong to, even though they're all really cool people who are about as sick of the game-playing as I am; my problem is that after having gone to their meetups and meeting a LOT of women there (and yes, these women actually initiated conversations with ME about half the time), I seriously doubt any of those women enjoy the same things I enjoy.

 

So... FYI, I don't feel gypped. The only regret I feel, really, is that I wasted so much of my own time pursuing leads that turned out to be dead ends. I can't get my 25 wasted years back, but at least now I know how I can avoid wasting 25 more.

 

Like Socrates said, know thyself.

[U1987]

OP, aren't you the guy that is just interested in casual sex and ONSs? How hard are you really trying to "connect".

 

I mean really, sending 283 messages? How invested could you have been in those 283 random girls? It doesn't sound like you're trying to connect as much as you are desperately throwing lines out there hoping that anything bites. Girls can smell desperation. That's why they avoid you.

 

I used to struggle really hard to write sincere, personalized messages to girls. The problem is that sooooooo many girls' profiles are extremely, bland, generic and vague; they give so little personal details to themselves (except for the old "I work hard and play hard" and "I'm all about having a good time" BS) that it's practically impossible to write a personal message. They just don't give you anything to work with.

 

Second of all, even with the girls who take the time to write a serious profile and are actually interesting and talented and worldly, it doesn't matter; most messages get ignored. It doesn't even matter how well you write your message.

 

I really struggled to write messages for each girl. I switched to generic mass emails a few dozen in (with slight modifications to each girl). It was a long struggle just to get that mass email draft though.

[TheBigQuestion]

I've only asked that once, and didn't I have a right to be upset? Do you know what it's like to be constantly ignored by people you want to meet? I had a right to be upset. I didn't want to curse or degrade any of these girls, I just wanted to tell them something that would make them feel a little guilty, but the consensus was that it was a bad idea, so I went with that.

 

If rejection in the form of refusal to answer your online dating communications actually hurts your feelings, you certainly aren't ready to play the field. Dating is supposed to be fun and lighthearted, especially in the early stages, regardless of what you eventually want out of the deal. Lighten up.

 

On top of that, I've never known anyone who messaged even a fraction of the amount of people you did on a dating site. Do you ever try to meet people the old fashioned way?? I remember you saying that you've had girlfriends in the past. How exactly did you go from being able to get with girls with some degree of regularity to becoming completely clueless with how to push a woman's attraction buttons?

 

Everything you've said in the past, including what you've posted in your own profile and what you've messaged to women just screams "formulaic." It ISN'T difficult to come up with a short personalized message to send to a woman. Why even TRY to contact the ones that just write crap like "omg liek hiiiii" type crap on their profiles? Find something on one of the girl's profiles that catches your interest and say something humorous about it as an icebreaker. Boom. The beginning of any online dating interaction right there.

 

I tend to agree with others' assessments. You come across as highly sensitive and a sore loser. I don't think you're a sociopath, but you're certainly clueless. You need to find a way to get your swagger back.

[U1987]

Her view is simply that the hook up should be on both peoples' terms, not just yours. You want to trick girls into thinking you're genuinely interested in getting to know them and building a relationship with them, when really you just want sex. If you genuinely can't see why many will have a problem with that, you have some severe mental and social issues.

 

But honestly, I don't think anyone here should get too worried about these girls' well-being, as it seems painfully obvious that you're not getting laid any time soon. I feel bad for all of the frustrated guys on here who want dates, relationships, love, sex, and happiness, but can't find it. I feel bad for them even when they start to get hostile and bitter and blame women because I understand that they've experienced a lifetime of rejection and that their self esteem has been lowered severely.

 

But I do not feel bad for you, and in fact, I'm glad you post multiple identical threads every few months to tell us how badly you are failing at your miserable attempts to get a hot chick into bed. I've followed all of your threads, and you strike me as an arrogant, self-important boderline sociopath with an inflated sense of self-worth and entitlement who sees women as targets to hit and thinks absolutely nothing of the emotional consequences.

 

So please, continue as you are. It's obviously not working, and that's better for the women you (attempt to) date.

 

PS, you once suggested in seriousness that I get my coworker drunk and take advantage of her while she's out of it. You're in no position to call me a "sociopath."

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/255224-asked-out-coworker-again-but-worried-came-out-wrong-2.html

[kiss_andmakeup]

PS, you once suggested in seriousness that I get my coworker drunk and take advantage of her while she's out of it. You're in no position to call me a "sociopath."

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/255224-asked-out-coworker-again-but-worried-came-out-wrong-2.html

 

I never advised that you take advantage of her. I said it was the only way she'd ever hook up with you. If I told you the only way you'd ever hook up with me would be if you roofied me, would you take that as suggesting that you actually do it? In that thread you stated that she was a party girl who only seemed interested in going out with you under the circumstances that she'd be getting drunk at a club with all her friends. I said you could try to hit on her in that atmosphere, but acknowledged that this is frowned upon and at that time you seemed to have the decency to agree.

 

I am not of the mindset that a woman who puts herself in a position where she is with men at a club and drinks herself to intoxication and then willingly has sex with one of them while her judgement is clouded is being "taken advantage of." But I would agree that it's somewhat slimy behaviour, and in that thread, you and I seemed to agree on that.

 

But honestly, as a girl, I'd rather wake up one morning after a crazy night and realize that I'd drunkenly slept with one of my guy friends, than date a guy for a few dates while thinking he was really interested in me, decide to sleep with him, and then have him ditch me afterwards because he got what he wanted. In the former situation I'd assume equal responsibility for the "oops"...in the latter, I'd consider the guy a phony, a liar, and a prick who manipulated, lied, and decived me for his own selfish "needs."

 

As for what makes me think you want to trick girls into thinking you like them just so you can have sex with them, the quote that I_only_quote_jerks quoted speaks for itself. You don't care if you find a girl as dumb as bricks and dull as dishwater...if she's hot, you'll make her think you actually like her just on the hopeful possibility that she'll let you into her pants. Then you'll ditch her, because she's just nooooooowhere near intelligent or cultured enough for you.

 

THAT is manipulation. Find a girl who wants a FWB arrangement. Spoiler alert: there aren't many who want them. And the ones that want them (especially the good looking ones) want HOT men. If they're not getting anything on the emotional front, they want the absolute best physical bang they can get for their buck.

 

Are you really THAT hot?

 

I think you need to step away from online dating for a while. A long, long while. Find a way to get your sexual needs met for the time being, and recognize that that's just going to require lowering your physical standards. Sorry, there's just no way around it. A girl who is a "9" isn't going to want to have a hookup with a guy who isn't a 9 himself, or likely even a 10.

 

Once this "need" is out of your system for some time, maybe you can focus on working on your view of women. If all of the women you're meeting are airheads, the common denominator is you. You're not picking the right people. And maybe the right people for you aren't online. They're out with friends, being social, having conversations with real people. There are women out there who are between 18-25, "9"s and "10"s, who are also intelligent, interesting, articulate, compassionate, well-read, and educated. But they are a HOT commodity. EVERY MAN IN THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE wants these women. You are competing with literally every single man in your immediate area for these very few select women.

 

Are you really that amazing? Your posts citing your various turmoils lead me to believe you probably aren't. So if you're just looking for hook ups and casual sex, you're gonna need to aim a bit lower than that.

[oaks]

Do you understand that personalized emails are completely ineffectual? Do you know what it's like to take all the time to write a sincere, personalized message and it's not responded to? It's humiliating and disappointing. It really does hurt; do you understand that?

 

I didn't find them to be completely ineffectual. I personalised email is how I got my girlfriend to respond to me. When women didn't reply it wasn't a big deal to me because I quickly got into the mindset of understanding that most women wouldn't reply and assuming that they wouldn't apply. Often I wouldn't even think about them again after hitting 'send' to the extent that it was actually a surprise when they replied. I'm sorry that you find it humiliating and hurtful, but it really doesn't have to be that way - and that's you not them.

 

No, I don't think you have a right to be upset.

[oaks]

That was your mistake... you've let OLD get to you.

 

Sometimes I think that El Brujo goes too far in decrying OLD sites, but I fully agree with this.

[oaks]

The problem is that sooooooo many girls' profiles are extremely, bland, generic and vague; they give so little personal details to themselves (except for the old "I work hard and play hard" and "I'm all about having a good time" BS) that it's practically impossible to write a personal message. They just don't give you anything to work with.

 

I agree. In my case I was looking for a relationship, so I somehow persuaded myself that those women were too vapid to deserve me if they couldn't write an original profile, regardless of how hot they looked. If there's nothing unique to comment on in the profile then maybe there's something to comment on in the photos? But if those are the same "photo in the bathroom mirror" and "photo in the bar with a large cocktail" then you might as well stick with the generic message. It only needs to be good enough to make her look at your photo... which needs to be good.

[El Brujo]

Sometimes I think that El Brujo goes too far in decrying OLD sites, but I fully agree with this.

 

Another island of sanity in this raging sea of false belief...

[Emilia]

I agree. In my case I was looking for a relationship, so I somehow persuaded myself that those women were too vapid to deserve me if they couldn't write an original profile, regardless of how hot they looked.

 

They probably weren't even looking for a real date anyway. When I see men on sites where the join date is displayed and they have been there for 3-4 years with a really old photo (showing what they must have looked like when they joined rather than now) I have zero expectations.

[Mme. Chaucer]

No, I don't understand. How can these girls pick up on it simply by reading a message? Don't you have to meet someone and not only listen to what they say, but pick up on their body language, voice intonation, rhythm and such to get an idea how they feel?

 

Sorry, but the quoted post refers to meeting a girl in person. Re-quoted below for your reference.

 

Originally Posted by u1987

still, i try to act interested, but inside, i can't help but become frustrated by how tedious it is talking to her, and just hoping we have sex soon. Maybe that's why i haven't had luck recently; maybe the girls i've been meeting could sense i really wasn't interested in getting to know them personally? But how can a guy make himself to be genuinely interested in a girl as a person when all he can think of is "wow, you're a total air-head. You're hot though" when he talks to her for the first time?

 

 

You really have a problem with your perception of how things are.

 

Why exactly do you think that a very hot girl who has lots of options would choose to "hook up" with YOU? What are you offering? You never sound like you're offering anything - just like you are trying to GET something. People sense that irl, especially "hot girls". Most of us here get that.

 

You'd be surprised at how much we can pick up from OLD interactions, after we have some experience. There are a LOT of contacts. It becomes very easy and a no-brainer to weed through them.

 

You do have a giant ego and I'm not sure why, and your other problem is that you really dislike women and just want to gain the use of one. Why on Earth would anybody sign up for that? I'm sincerely interested in your opinion.

 

Frankly, I think you would benefit from counseling.

[oaks]

They probably weren't even looking for a real date anyway.

 

So, what were they looking for? U1987 isn't looking for a real date, either...

[InJest]

U1987, how long before your self esteem is so low, you blow you brains out??

 

Can you post a thread for that one?