U1987 Posted February 20, 2012 Posted February 20, 2012 I know everyone keeps saying "don't take online dating seriously" but honestly, I feel like I've lost everything in a gambling binge; every message I sent was like another quarter (and another bit of my self esteem and confidence) down the slot which I could either win back by meeting someone or lose if they never responded. Honestly, chronic, self-destructive gambling is really the best analogy I can make to online dating. I have spent so much time trying to reach out and connect to so many girls and the vast majority of them never even responded. I wrote 283 girls within 25 miles of me and only 41 ever responded. I only went out with 4 of them; 3 I wasn't all that into and 1 that I was fairly attracted to but ghosted after the 2nd date. I really did my best to reach out and connect to them, but every time I did, I put a tiny bit more of my self esteem, my confidence and my sense of self worth out on the line. Every time they didn't respond or a conversation petered off to nothing, that tiny bit was chipped away. I really don't know what to do anymore. I feel like I work really hard every day to stay in shape, to dress well, to learn, to build a future for myself and improve myself every day, but it's like no matter what I do or how hard I try, it's not enough for any girl I want to meet nowadays. I can't help but think "is there something wrong with her, or is there something wrong with me?" or "am I really so undesirable?" I really don't know what to do. I don't know how can I rebuild and maintain any sense of self worth in the face of such consistent and overwhelming failure.
Chii Posted February 20, 2012 Posted February 20, 2012 Dating, regardless of how you play it, is ultimately a numbers game. Don't let it get the best of you. If the dates you've had ended up as loses, chalk them up and keep at it. It's the only thing you can do. Analyzing and reassessing will drive you insane, trust me I have been there and you don't want it to bring you down. Have you tried meeting women in real life? Online dating is definitely a hit or miss so I wouldn't try to compare any results you've had with OLD to your personal dating game. Again just chalk it up, it will come eventually. Let things play out naturally. Hope this helps.
Leigh 87 Posted February 20, 2012 Posted February 20, 2012 U have to be at least moderately attractive ( not super hot), and also be pleasant enough to be around, for them to consider u. Depending on the other prospects, they will be interested, o rnot. U could be great in their eyes, but there could simply be other great people, as well. I met my boyfriend online, he was the first guy I met. I met another guy soon after, and he was actually more my type. I considered leaving my boyfriend for him, and nearly did. For one reason or another, I kept seeing my current guy, and we are happy one year later. However, it coulcd easily have gone another way. It is just a numbers game, luck, and etc... Also - I found the second guy more attractive than my boyfriend... his pesonality ws far more of a match for me, than my boyfriends... however, for an unown reason, I just saw my boyfriend. Again and again. I am glad it worked out, as the difference in hsi pesonality, has helped me grow into the person I want to be. SO, with my experience... u can be great for a girl, like the other guy was for me, but the girl will just chose someone else, and get caught up with them.. EVEN iof your a good looking candidate!! I would guess most girls go for the best package, the person they enjoy the most, a combination of loos, chemistry, personality, outlooks onl ife.. etc... Please do not think it is yOU: the worst thsat could have happen, is that, although the girls viewed u as attractive, fit, and liked u, they just were more into ther other guys. DOES NOT make u a flop.
silvermercy Posted February 20, 2012 Posted February 20, 2012 I'm surprised you still haven't understood the reasons of your "dating" failures. That's because you're not even remotely interested in dating or connecting seriously with someone beyond sex. Based on your other threads, what woman in her right mind would respond to someone who tries to manipulate them into dating just so he can have sex? No amount of "romancing" will do that. The few women who met you and gave you a chance, bailed out because they saw, albeit with a delay, what they couldn't see online, that they were getting manipulated. Even the women who DO want casual sex, still don't want to feel manipulated. So unless you're rich and /or supermodel-handsome, your approach will never work. 3
Emilia Posted February 20, 2012 Posted February 20, 2012 I really did my best to reach out and connect to them, but every time I did, I put a tiny bit more of my self esteem, my confidence and my sense of self worth out on the line. Every time they didn't respond or a conversation petered off to nothing, that tiny bit was chipped away. They are complete strangers, it's very hard to keep a conversation going with people you don't know. Why would you allow strangers destroy your confidence when they have never even met you? They read your emails that are probably not that different from the 100 emails they get from other strangers too. They might not even have real interest in meeting men. Besides, your % response is quite high by many men's standards from what I gather. I really don't know what to do. I don't know how can I rebuild and maintain any sense of self worth in the face of such consistent and overwhelming failure. Build a real life circle of friends, widen your social circle. That's the best way to meet girls, not online.
TheBigQuestion Posted February 20, 2012 Posted February 20, 2012 I know an ordinary looking short guy with no college education who manages a gas station for a living who hooked up with 3 different girls from OkCupid, one of them being his current girlfriend. There's no way he messaged more than 50-60 women. If he can manage that, whatever you're doing on an online dating site is very, very wrong. I think the biggest problem is, at least from reading the sample messages you've sent women, you seem cold and completely lacking in humor.
fortyninethousand322 Posted February 20, 2012 Posted February 20, 2012 I hear you OP. I had a horrible time with online dating before I finally gave up and realized no one online wanted to date me (or even respond to my messages). It was a real devastating hit to my self esteem too. I wish I never tried it.
ditzchic Posted February 20, 2012 Posted February 20, 2012 OP, aren't you the guy that is just interested in casual sex and ONSs? How hard are you really trying to "connect". I mean really, sending 283 messages? How invested could you have been in those 283 random girls? It doesn't sound like you're trying to connect as much as you are desperately throwing lines out there hoping that anything bites. Girls can smell desperation. That's why they avoid you. If you want a one night stand, online dating isn't the best place to do it. Go to the bar. Find a drunk chick, buy her a few drinks and take her home. Simple as that.
veggirl Posted February 20, 2012 Posted February 20, 2012 Sorry bout that OP. Maybe it would've helped not to keep such rigorous stats though, who needs to look at it in #s form, that can't be good for you. Anyway, OLD sounds to me like a big crapshoot. You either get lucky at it or you don't. You could write the most sincere messages, be goodlooking, and still just bunk out. I'd focus more on real life approaches, you're still in college right? Parties and the like...isn't that the kinda girl you want anyway?
Mme. Chaucer Posted February 20, 2012 Posted February 20, 2012 Well … better you than them, I guess. Imagine how a girl would feel if she believed you were actually interested in her because of your dishonesty, and then figured out that you say the exact same thing to 284 other girls, and that you just want to bone ANY of them? It doesn't feel very good, does it? 1
fortyninethousand322 Posted February 20, 2012 Posted February 20, 2012 Well … better you than them, I guess. Imagine how a girl would feel if she believed you were actually interested in her because of your dishonesty, and then figured out that you say the exact same thing to 284 other girls, and that you just want to bone ANY of them? It doesn't feel very good, does it? It's online dating. Pretty much every girl on there is going to be the same in your eyes until you actually meet them and get to know them. If he had said "I only messaged 5 women" everyone on here would tell him he didn't message enough women. So which is it, a numbers game or "everyone's special".
Star Gazer Posted February 20, 2012 Posted February 20, 2012 I'm surprised you still haven't understood the reasons of your "dating" failures. That's because you're not even remotely interested in dating or connecting seriously with someone beyond sex. Based on your other threads, what woman in her right mind would respond to someone who tries to manipulate them into dating just so he can have sex? No amount of "romancing" will do that. The few women who met you and gave you a chance, bailed out because they saw, albeit with a delay, what they couldn't see online, that they were getting manipulated. Even the women who DO want casual sex, still don't want to feel manipulated. So unless you're rich and /or supermodel-handsome, your approach will never work. This, this, this!
ThaWholigan Posted February 20, 2012 Posted February 20, 2012 I'm missing something here OP, but........why do you only want a one-night-stand anyway? Enlighten me.
Mme. Chaucer Posted February 20, 2012 Posted February 20, 2012 If he had said "I only messaged 5 women" everyone on here would tell him he didn't message enough women. So which is it, a numbers game or "everyone's special". Believe me, I am fine with the "numbers game" aspect of OLD. And even though I think it's douchey, I realize that lots of guys like to play games that include leading girls on in order to get in their pants. Duh. Evidently, there are also girls who like to lead guys on in order to get a free dinner, too. Those people are all playing on the same field. But this OP actually does not see women as human beings. It comes across clearly. He does not want to talk to or get to know any women; he dislikes it, and he dislikes women. He just really feels he needs to have use of female genitalia, right now, and that he is somehow entitled to it - and he just needs to get his formula right. If he meets a woman in person, I'm sure the vibes he gives off are are very strong. Of course, lots of guys are out to "get some" and they use player behavior and all kinds of tricks. The population of guys like that still know that they are dealing with people. Girls and guys play that game together; there are some winners, and there are some losers. A successful "player" absolutely needs to establish a connection with a girl in order to work it. OP is not playing the same game. He approaches it like an ice cold predator and never, ever, once has showed anything different than that in his posts here. There is zero chance that he is going to make any kind of a connection with a girl, coming from this place. He can't even fake it. He really needs to just pay for sex or look for a woman who is very clearly just looking for sex, like on CraigsList "casual encounters." Or, get some kind of therapy to help him connect with other people. I know that there are a lot of men (women, too) here on LS who have many dating woes, but this is the ONLY case that I feel this way about. And as I said on the other thread, most of the women here have picked up on it easily; no doubt the girls he's contacted online have as well.
mtber75 Posted February 20, 2012 Posted February 20, 2012 (edited) Never mind! Edited February 20, 2012 by mtber75 Delete
Mme. Chaucer Posted February 20, 2012 Posted February 20, 2012 Even the women who DO want casual sex, still don't want to feel manipulated. So unless you're rich and /or supermodel-handsome, your approach will never work. That is very key. People who are straightforwardly looking for plain old sex also don't want to feel manipulated. Everybody hates feeling manipulated.
fortyninethousand322 Posted February 20, 2012 Posted February 20, 2012 Believe me, I am fine with the "numbers game" aspect of OLD. And even though I think it's douchey, I realize that lots of guys like to play games that include leading girls on in order to get in their pants. Duh. Evidently, there are also girls who like to lead guys on in order to get a free dinner, too. Those people are all playing on the same field. Agreed. But this OP actually does not see women as human beings. It comes across clearly. He does not want to talk to or get to know any women; he dislikes it, and he dislikes women. He just really feels he needs to have use of female genitalia, right now, and that he is somehow entitled to it - and he just needs to get his formula right. If he meets a woman in person, I'm sure the vibes he gives off are are very strong. Of course, lots of guys are out to "get some" and they use player behavior and all kinds of tricks. The population of guys like that still know that they are dealing with people. Girls and guys play that game together; there are some winners, and there are some losers. A successful "player" absolutely needs to establish a connection with a girl in order to work it. OP is not playing the same game. He approaches it like an ice cold predator and never, ever, once has showed anything different than that in his posts here. The OP joined the forum long before I did, and I don't really follow his posts as closely as perhaps others have. Also, it's possible that some of this "predatory" stuff surfaced while I was in exile from this site. But all I was saying is that from what I saw I didn't necessarily see him as a predator, more like a bumbling clueless guy like most of us on here (guys I mean, most women on here are actually fairly well off). I will look a bit closer at his posting history to see if perhaps I missed something. Until then I'll refrain from defending his posts.
Mme. Chaucer Posted February 20, 2012 Posted February 20, 2012 I'm not saying that OP is necessarily an evil guy, but his focus on somehow maneuvering a girl into having sex with him without even acknowledging that he is dealing with another person gets rather alarming. I have probably read all his posts. I think there might be some pretty extreme social issues that he could get help with. But he never looks inward that way. It's just all about how can he manipulate successfully. Don't like.
verhrzn Posted February 20, 2012 Posted February 20, 2012 I'm not saying that OP is necessarily an evil guy, but his focus on somehow maneuvering a girl into having sex with him without even acknowledging that he is dealing with another person gets rather alarming. I have probably read all his posts. I think there might be some pretty extreme social issues that he could get help with. But he never looks inward that way. It's just all about how can he manipulate successfully. Don't like. Something I don't get... why don't people like the OP just get a hooker? I could *maybe* understand the concern about disease, but that's what condoms are for, and you have as pretty good a chance picking something up off a one night stand. So... why the need to manipulate a woman into sex, especially if you don't see her as a person? Prostitution seems like the perfect way for everyone in the situation to get their needs met without boundaries being crossed. I just don't get why guys are so desperate for sex, and yet don't just hire people to take care of that. Baffles me.
fortyninethousand322 Posted February 20, 2012 Posted February 20, 2012 Something I don't get... why don't people like the OP just get a hooker? I could *maybe* understand the concern about disease, but that's what condoms are for, and you have as pretty good a chance picking something up off a one night stand. So... why the need to manipulate a woman into sex, especially if you don't see her as a person? Prostitution seems like the perfect way for everyone in the situation to get their needs met without boundaries being crossed. I just don't get why guys are so desperate for sex, and yet don't just hire people to take care of that. Baffles me. I'd never hire a hooker, but I'd imagine a lot of it has to do with the fact that our fascist government has decided that prostitution should be illegal. No one wants to go to jail for sex.
ThaWholigan Posted February 20, 2012 Posted February 20, 2012 Something I don't get... why don't people like the OP just get a hooker? I could *maybe* understand the concern about disease, but that's what condoms are for, and you have as pretty good a chance picking something up off a one night stand. So... why the need to manipulate a woman into sex, especially if you don't see her as a person? Prostitution seems like the perfect way for everyone in the situation to get their needs met without boundaries being crossed. I just don't get why guys are so desperate for sex, and yet don't just hire people to take care of that. Baffles me. 2 reasons. 1) Probably can't afford it. 2) The stigma attached to being "so desperate he had to buy a hooker, ew". It's the reasons why I have to have restraint despite my ongoing sexual frustration, and I am managing well without having to go to a hooker, even though I personally have no real moral obligation against the idea, other than I don't really need to do it, hence I am not that desperate..........yet.
ptp Posted February 20, 2012 Posted February 20, 2012 Something I don't get... why don't people like the OP just get a hooker? I could *maybe* understand the concern about disease, but that's what condoms are for, and you have as pretty good a chance picking something up off a one night stand. So... why the need to manipulate a woman into sex, especially if you don't see her as a person? Prostitution seems like the perfect way for everyone in the situation to get their needs met without boundaries being crossed. I just don't get why guys are so desperate for sex, and yet don't just hire people to take care of that. Baffles me. I am sure there are many, 2 reasons that immediately come to mind: 1) Legality - I am not going to risk damaging my career by getting arrested. 2) For me there is a huge difference between a woman who chooses to sleep with me and someone who is paid to sleep with me. I have no interest in the latter and could never bring myself to do it.
somedude81 Posted February 20, 2012 Posted February 20, 2012 Something I don't get... why don't people like the OP just get a hooker? I could *maybe* understand the concern about disease, but that's what condoms are for, and you have as pretty good a chance picking something up off a one night stand. So... why the need to manipulate a woman into sex, especially if you don't see her as a person? Prostitution seems like the perfect way for everyone in the situation to get their needs met without boundaries being crossed. I just don't get why guys are so desperate for sex, and yet don't just hire people to take care of that. Baffles me. First of all, many men see hookers as disgusting. Then there is the cost aspect. $300 for sex is a whole lot of wasted money. Also, there is no sense of accomplishment of getting a hooker. Men are hunters and want some semblance of a chase. Though some want to work harder than others.
Mme. Chaucer Posted February 20, 2012 Posted February 20, 2012 $300 for sex is a whole lot of wasted money. It's only "wasted" if you didn't really want what you bought. Also, there is no sense of accomplishment of getting a hooker. Men are hunters and want some semblance of a chase. Though some want to work harder than others. Yes, there's that. But if one fails again and again, they ultimately need to accept that they don't have the hunting skills required, and to STOP blaming the intended prey for their lack of success.
verhrzn Posted February 20, 2012 Posted February 20, 2012 Yes, there's that. But if one fails again and again, they ultimately need to accept that they don't have the hunting skills required, and to STOP blaming the intended prey for their lack of success. Mega agree. At least buying sex from a hooker is honest, as opposed to manipulating some girl looking for a relationship into it just so the guy can feel like a "hunter." Talk about entitlement. I get the legal aspect though. So maybe we should be encouraging the OP to visit Nevada?
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