my 2nd date - what does all this mean?

[Aapa]

Met a guy online. Very sweet and nice, but coming out of a disastrous marriage. Single dad with custody. Divorce is almost final (this isn't a new separation).

 

I've never been married. We are both about 40 (give or take a yr or two).

 

We've been out once. He seemed happy to meet me, but then the convo fizzled and I decided to call it a night, and he agreed. But when I emailed him a few days later to say thank you, he seemed happy to hear from me and invited me to call him again when I'm next in town (we live in different cities).

 

I find him a bit passive and/or "on the fence" in terms of whether he's itnerested. I am only pursuing it further because I see something of value in him - he is intelligent, mature, and handsome.

 

After about 2 weeks during which there is no contact between us, I email him again because I'm heading to his city next week (I go there quite frequently). I don't expect him to respond, but lo and behold he says he would love to meet up with me.

 

He doesn't seem like the type to play games.

 

But, do you think he is just lonely and that's why he is acting like he's happy to meet me again?

 

Or do you think he also has some faint interest in me and is reluctant to close the door right away?

 

Or, is it a combo of the above coupled with the fact that he was burned in his marriage and has a lot on his plate with his child?

 

I know its hard to answer these questions, its just that I'm kinda pursuing something that I would ordinarily have let die on the vine, but in this case I see "a special something" in him.

 

When he first met me, it looked like he was pleased with my appearance, so perhaps the physical bit isn't an issue. But, I'm shy too, so it may be my personality that has him on the fence.

[SJC2008]

You seem more concerned about whether or not he likes you as you haven't really said anything about liking him, other than saying he's hansome, mature and intelligent. Putting the ball in your court after the first date is a big no no IMO and would turn most women off. He may be "out of touch" in the dating game being that he's been married so I'd give him the benefit of the doubt to start and see where it goes. If he doesn't make a move by the thrid date I'd definately say he's not interested.

[Star Gazer]

I emailed him a few days later...

 

After about 2 weeks during which there is no contact between us, I email him again...

 

He may be somewhat interested, but based on this alone, I wouldn't think he's interested enough. You're basically chasing him, pursuing him, without him really showing you he's interested. I'd pass.

[Mr. Slim]

Ugh... this is another one of those situations where gender roles make a good old mess. Conversation fizzles, you call it a night... but then you call to say thank you. He responds positively, but then tells you to call him sometime. The no contact stuff normally wouldn't throw a flag up, but apparently you don't live in the same city and he hasn't scheduled another date. I say go on this "date" and see how it goes, but after that ball is in his court.

[Old Flame]

A frying pan and fire come to mind. Jump out of one and into the other.

[Aapa]

Wow - I am amazed at the responses. Everyone is pretty much on the same page about this guy.

 

Have I demeaned myself by pursuing someone who clearly isn't very interested?

 

As it happens, I'm seeing him in a few days. But I guess if he's not that interested, my self-esteem will take another blow.

 

perhaps, I should cancel, or, just go through the motions for a few hours and then say goodbye. I just don't know. The fact is, I do like him...

[spiderowl]

If he's handsome, he's probably used to women chasing him and not having to make the effort. He can sit back and be entertained socially too, so he doesn't need to be chatty. Whatever he says and does, women will think he's great because he's attractive. Only some will realise that what a guy says and does matters more than him being good-looking.

 

You weren't struck by his personality and he hasn't made any effort to keep in touch, only responding when you took the initiative. Of course he's pleased to hear from you, you are showing interest in him and he might be able to get sex without too much effort on his part. It doesn't mean he necessarily finds you particularly attractive or thinks you are an interesting person. I'm sorry but I think that unless he shows some initiative and effort and starts letting you know why he likes you and why he wants to see you again, he's just passively letting you jump at him.

 

It could be that if you take the initiative, you'll get on like a house on fire and he will grow attached and fall in love, but he's not desperately keen to meet you again because if he was, he'd have been in touch before you contacted him. It's obviously up to you but I would have let this fizzle out due to lack of motivation on his part and the high chance that I would have been hurt.

[Ninjainpajamas]

You can't set the bar that low Aapa, men smell vulnerability like sharks smell blood a mile away, and you're giving off the wounded, flapping seal in the water.

 

I know it seems innocent, like oh I'm just contacting him it's not a big deal...but when you let a guy know you are interested and you make him feel a little bit like you're chasing him then it opens up doors in his minds to what his options are...and how far he can push things and get away with them, what you're willing to take.

 

You didn't feel a strong chemistry, or generally have that great of a conversation and things even kinda dried out and fizzled. I'm not sure why you are trying to force yourself to see more out of this guy by just looking at his qualities, I do understand that to an extent...especially at your age (no offense but I know the picking can be slim) and you're probably just looking for a half-decent guy.

 

Well in doing so you're ignoring the huge red-flags, just got out of a divorce, a disaster of a marriage and he's dealing with a being a single dad now. These are the least, signs that a man is not ready to jump into a brand new relationship where he can give you his all.

 

You're basically setting yourself up to be strung along and being his little companion puppy so he can deal with all these stressful issues in his life...and instead of him being a stronger man and saying "you know, I've gotta get myself together..for me, my son and to be fair to someone new I might date in the future"...instead he's saying "I got a lot of **** going on, little to give someone new, but instead of focus on that I'm going to use a woman as a crutch and take the easy way out and ruin her life...while I get myself together to a position where I'm capable again and might not even be with this girl...because once i get my head on straight I might realize that she's not my type"

 

Do the smart thing for yourself, Imagine what the ghost of christmas future could be taking you through If you were to end up with this guy...do you really see a blissful relationship, where he easily and peacefully transitions into a life and relationship with you eventually and you're all happy together at the beach playing with son building sand castles and knocking them down? Do you think you might be doing a little wishful thinking here?

 

Hopefully you can let your head take over your heart when there are so many red flags, I mean you sure are willing to sacrifice a lot for this guy knowing what you know already...in which there could even be more. It makes me wonder what you feel your worth, but I'll tell you that you definitely deserve better than that.

 

Find someone with less baggage and issues at least a few years out of a divorce and settled in, this is already one big red flag.

[Aapa]

Well guess what? He cancelled two days before our scheduled date.

Some lame excuse about how he has a cold.

So, all of you were bang on, while I kept hoping that there was "something".

 

Despite my age, I'm pretty naïve -- and vulnerable.

Edited February 26, 2012 by Aapa