experiences with open relationships

[MYCluciferase]

Leigh,

 

Thanks for your thread, which as usual seems to involve you baring your soul in the forum, and at the end you seemed to be embarrassed about it:

 

"I need serious help. For me to have even started that thread."

 

Don't worry about it. Hey, the heart takes us many strange places; sometimes we make it back again, sometimes we don't .

 

I was intrigued by you seeming to be neutral at first about allowing your boyfriend to see other women, yet somehow either proud or liking that you 'gave' him that opportunity. I felt a little of that pride in a situation of my own, but I don't think I could have gone that path for so long without getting something from it myself.

 

So I was in a relationship with a woman some years back. I totally adored her, but knew that there was a history of cheating on boyfriends.

I think there were two things going on; she had quite a sexual appetite, and an issue with her looks (I thought she was gorgeous). She possibly compensated for the 'looks insecurity' by finding new boyfriends.

My friends thought I was crazy; that I could find a much better-looking girlfriend, and were suspicious of her reputation.

 

So… we dated, we got along wonderfully in many ways. Yes the sex was fantastic, but everything else was as well, we had fun together, we had similar interests. I really liked her as a person as well, and she moved in with me after about six months.

After almost a year living together, I walked in on her having sex with someone else. We got over it. I'm not super jealous, and she promised it wouldn't happen again. Everything was good for maybe another seven eight months, then she left me.

When she came back to collect her things, I asked her to tell me why she'd gone. She told me that she'd met someone, and she cared for me too much to cheat again, so she finished things. We had great sex and she went back to her new boyfriend. But she 'remembered' more things she'd left at my place, and we had sex again on another day when she came round to collect them. A couple of days later, she came around yet again but admitted that she just come for sex.

She moved back in with me a couple of weeks later when the other relationship ended (I asked her to), and we had a talk about how we could make things work. She was wicked jealous, and also insecure about our relationship, but couldn't promise that she'd be faithful, so I offered that she could have boyfriends on the side. I offered because I was so crazy about her, and yes, I wanted to keep her, but I was also worried in some way that this was her only chance to have a relationship

 

So she told me the truth about all her sexual past - it wasn't totally outrageous, but she'd cheated with nearly every boyfriend she had, most often when she thought she was about to get dumped, but sometimes just because she'd found an attractive man that she desired. Turns out she'd had some quickies with a friend of mine during our relationship, and also had been seeing a work colleague of hers for a while.

The guy i caught her with was a neighbor, and the guy she left me for was someone she'd met through friends, and although there was a sexual spark between them, there wasn't anything else.

 

We lived together for another three and a half years, and during that time she often had more than one boyfriend on the go at any one time, but as they mostly lasted for a while there wasn't a million partners - it wasn't like she was picking up a guy every week. It was maybe fourteen to fifteen guys in that period. Some of them knew about me, some she kept me secret from, but she swore she told me about them all.

 

At first I comforted myself by thinking that I was the only 'real' relationship amongst these flings, but then, as she'd get dressed to go out on dates, I found myself becoming really turned on by the thought of her having sex with someone else, and when she came home from a boyfriend, I'd practically jump on her, and the sex we had was mind-blowing for both of us.

 

Have to say that we were both very happy - at one point she hooked up with an ex that I got along with very well and we had a threesome one night. All of us loved it, and it became a regular thing for probably nine or ten months. He'd come round and we'd all hang out, and at the end of the evening either we'd both have her together, or he'd either take her in the bedroom and they'd have sex and then I'd have her afterwards.

I just started loving it that she had sex with other men, especially seeing that she enjoyed it so much. I guess that this is not typical cuckold stuff, as I didn't want to be humiliated or anything, I just wanted her to have as much c**k as she wanted, and then to give her some myself.

 

Anyway, things ended after some other issues (money and etc) after five and a half years total.

 

I look back and I think "what the hell…" but at the time I was so crazy for her, and giving her a free pass for sex seemed like a logical thing to do. Would I do it again?

No, of course not... I don't think.

[TheGuard13]

Occasionally I ask my partner about it, and he assures me he only wants me and does not care about threesomes and hookers.

He truly means it, but the fact that he was and probably still is capable of doing it if I urged him to and made him to it, bothers me.

 

This place is pretty much free therapy. What issues do you feel need to be addressed by a counselor?

 

What bothers you about the situation? That he might be interested in something outside the relationship if you were to allow it?

[Queenie42]

Leigh, I think you're doing OK. What this thread really demonstrates is just how much you've grown in the last year.

 

Last year you had this new relationship and didn't really know how to navigate your own feelings. So you tried some pretty out there things and it turned out it wasn't really what either of you wanted. But you're still together! The threesomes etc didn't ruin your relationship and it sounds from what you've shared recently that you're both feeling a bit more secure with each other now.

 

I was going through my computer yesterday and I came across some stuff I wrote way back when. I deleted most of it almost immediately after opening it. I had no idea at the time what a maladjusted, angsty biatch I used to be, and I decided that I don't need that stuff hanging around me anymore.

 

Similarly, you may not enjoy reflecting on what you've written here, but don't let it depress you because you know you're not the same Leigh anymore. It might be that you're still not the Leigh you want to be, if you still want further professional guidance by all means go for it. It is however important to recognise how far you've come already. Draw a line under all that stuff and be proud of who you are now

[Eternal Sunshine]

For it's worth Leigh, I can't bear to read my threads from few years back. I sound bat**** insane

[Mme. Chaucer]

Leigh, I've been meaning to mention - you seem to have come a long, long way since you started posting here. You appear to be gaining confidence and coming into yourself as an adult woman. Keep it up!

[man_in_the_box]

Haha, this was indeed a terrible idea. No matter how much I know I can be horndog - the day my partner would actually suggest this will be the day it is time for therapy. It's a recipe for disaster.

[Jane2011]

Haha, I had been thinking recently how I haven't seen any open relationship threads lately and how I'd like to chime in if I did see one. Last year around this time, and even later into the year (2012), I was kind of obsessed with open relationships because I liked a guy who was in one and had gotten involved with him very briefly.

 

I guess the bottom line is I'm not for open relationships or polyamory. I like them in theory when people respect each other and are about loving other people too, and I don't think they're immoral. But I think it's a huge challenge that most even really mature, well-intentioned people don't do that well. Not to say 'regular monogamous people' don't also have challenges in relationships (and mess up a lot); I just think it's multiplied times five when you're in an open relationship. And while many pro-open relationship people would say "it's worth the challenges," I actually doubt that. I think it might be worth it for some, but hurt others. For instance, a man I used to talk to who had two women used to always rave about how rewarding it was. But it later occurred to me that I'd probably be hearing a vastly different take on it if I talked to one of the two women who had to share him (said women, he always told me, had frequent bouts of jealousy).

 

I think a lot of people in open relationship / polyamorous relationships see monogamous people as somehow "narrow" or "provincial" or not able to love many people and hence somehow "restricted." I think that's not true, though. A person can live a life loving and embracing and cherishing a lot of people without being romantically involved with a lot of people at the same time.

Edited February 27, 2013 by Jane2011

[kimberlydoll]

I know a few people with successful open relationships. They are couples where both people arent really in love with each other anymore for various reasons but prefer not to go through the hassle of a breakup/divorce and are good friends. Also, I know of a few between two people who both have attachment issues and some mental health problems that prevent them from fully loving another person. When you really love someone, you dont want others sexing them up

[AlexDP]

Personally, I think the myth that men separate emotions and sex more than women do is bunk. Usually guys that insist that sex is mealiness aren't really in love.

 

Sex is just sex, up to a point. Let me say it this way: if you just had really great sex with a very hot girl, it's kind of easy to like her. You know, you're willing to see past the odd flaw. If you're willing to see past the odd flaw.. maybe you really really like her..

[MYCluciferase]

Not sure if I necessarily always agree 100% with "When you really love someone, you don't want others sexing them up" ... Kimberly.

In my experience above I just adored that woman, and it wasn't something I 'wanted', it was something she wanted and somehow 'needed' to feel good about herself. I'm in touch with her now (years later) and we've become (platonic) friends. She's still a great person that I still have a lot of affection for.

(Thank you, Alex - Yes, I really really liked her).

 

I was trying to relate that to Leigh's experience, and it seems like our initial motivation was similar - she also 'gave the gift' of a sex pass to her boyfriend. It's just that in my case I grew to enjoy it, and it seemed to tweak my sexuality (at least for a time) whereas Leigh seemed to feel neutral and then not so good.

Have to say that I'm very embarrassed now if any friends from that era ever bring up the subject of that girlfriend... in retrospect it feels like a freaky relationship, a period of madness.

 

(sorry about my stupid long post I did above, folks, it just brought a lot of memories back when I was reading this thread...)

[Jane2011]

(sorry about my stupid long post I did above, folks, it just brought a lot of memories back when I was reading this thread...)

 

Actually, I just read it and found it fascinating. Thanks for sharing.

[Jane2011]

When I was seeing an open relationship guy, one of the things that bugged me in a huge way was the rhetoric and language used in talking about things.

 

I heard A LOT of...(name changed): "Allison wants..." "Allison thinks that..." "Allison prefers..." "Allison doesn't like..." "Allison feels..."

 

[i was the third party to an already established couple, and I had to constantly hear about how Allison wanted things to be.]

 

It was like...what the hell?

 

F*ck Allison.

 

Said open relationship guy is still, I believe, ruled by his girlfriend. She wrote his whole OkCupid open relationship profile and calls the shots.

[Leigh 87]

I understand that a lot of men who see hookers or have threesomes, are not into their girlfriends, and need other women to be happy; they just want their girlfriends on the side, to iron and cook and clean for them (the guy might even like the women as a person and enjoy her company), ahile the guy shags whoever he wants.

 

I also understand that a lot of men who are in love, and are crazy about their girlfriends, cannot understand or believe that ANY OTHER man who is truly in love, could have meaningless sex with another women.

 

I happen to believe personally, that my boyfriend did not want a threesome because he regards me as a piece of Sh*t that he has little feelings towards, and therefore wants to have be around wiping his @ss, while he can go and shag women who he is more attracted to.

 

Your intitled to your opinion, but it will not change my reality, or how me nor my boyfrientruly do feel in real life, about one another.

 

When I started my relationship, I wanted to try a threesome as it was always something I had wanted to try; I thought orgies and sex parties and threesomes were a "must do" for me to tick off........

I also did NOT want to invest myself in a long term relationship.

I happened to find a like minded guy, and so in the early stages of our time together, we tried a threesome or two.

I decided that it was not for me, and my partner did not want to do it badly enough to continue either.

He has the ability to go and have meaningless sex with a hooker, but he chooses not to. I do not keep him on a leash... I will be fine on my own, I have never needed to be in a relationship, and he is free to leave if he would rather have multiple sexual partners.

 

I am the last person that would hold onto a relationship if I truly did not thnk my guy was crazy about me, or really in love with me.

 

I have my instnct and gut feelings about me, and I have never been wrong about anyone....

 

It is really no big deal now. I just believe not all men who are really in love are the same.

 

That is all.

 

It does not mean I want my own partner to have any sort of sex with others, but I believe he could do in his own way, whils still being trruly in love with me.

[MYCluciferase]

Thanks Kimberlydoll, animalover, justanotherposter...

 

I feel like I've subverted Leigh's post but have to say I loved that cheating girlfriend, and was devastated at the first cheating, then being left by her did it to me all over again. Ot was her sense of humour, her presence, her smile and personality that did it for me as much as anything.

So imagine feeling strongly and then having the roller-coaster of here - gone - here - gone.

After a time (if you're still riding the car) then you get to accept that it isn't going to be exactly what you wanted, and if you still crave that person you start to imagine compromises. Only later I got to feel a perverse pleasure in facilitating her adventures, then later was turned on myself.

 

Leigh, you used the word love in her original post... I'd be interested if you'd defend that phrase now...

[MYCluciferase]

wow, weird timing.. so you were both in love..?

[Leigh 87]

And I would just like to clarify - I did not go into my relationship, letting my boyfriend do what he did, because I felt that he needed to do it because he did not care about me, and wanted me on the side to look after him in a relationship, while he got to scr#w around with hotter girls:sick:

 

I did not stay at home and cook, clean, and wipe his bum for him, while he make it clear that he wanted to go and shag as many hot girls as he could:sick:

 

I did not feel " not quiet enough" for him, either...

 

I just funadmentally believe that some men in love, are able to have meaningless sex.

 

It turned me on watching him do it ages ago, and that is it. It is not somethiing I want to happen again, as it is not healthy in most long term relationships, and very few people can last this way....

 

I let certan things happen, because I believed my boyfriend was crazy about me, yet had the ablity to have meaningless sex with those hookers.

 

I knew some guys who are in love cannot do it. I know most people do not believe that a guy who is in love is ABLE to have meaningless sex with some hooker....

 

.............................................

 

 

I do not need you to feel sorry for me. I have a great life, and will not be with my boyfriend if I feel he is not crazy about me or in love with me.

 

I made the mistake of listeinng to strangers on the internet before; now I listen to what my gut feelings dictate, and I pay attention to how my boyfriend treats me on a daily basis.

 

I will conclude this dicussion by saying: threesomes and open relationships are not for me, but I do not think my boyfriend does not truly love me because of what he did.

[Leigh 87]

wow, weird timing.. so you were both in love..?

 

 

 

 

We believe we are in love.

 

We are both attractive and have nice enough personalities to have found other people by now, yet we have never been into other people before.

 

We also hated the idea of relationships before we met, so it is not like we are together because we hate being single.

 

I have been in a 3 year relationship before, with a guy who I loved, but was not in love with...

 

This relationship is different.

 

We felt a funny feeling from the moment we spoke. We could not explain it at the time, but a feeling Andrew had about me has caused him to stick by me, even though he was totally averse to relationships, and even though i was totally weird and not a girl he ever thought he could see himself with.

 

Regardless of what anyone else thinks, I have let go the notion that it must not be true love, because he is capable of what he did.

 

I feel for you, because with Andrew, he did not sl*t about like your girl did... YOu know, it was not something he "needed" but was not an ability he has, but is not that crazy about having to do.

 

You know, if he does need other women so badly, he is free to go and do it; he has told me he respects me enough to let me go if he feels I am not enough for him.

[Leigh 87]

Thanks Kimberlydoll, animalover, justanotherposter...

 

I feel like I've subverted Leigh's post but have to say I loved that cheating girlfriend, and was devastated at the first cheating, then being left by her did it to me all over again. Ot was her sense of humour, her presence, her smile and personality that did it for me as much as anything.

So imagine feeling strongly and then having the roller-coaster of here - gone - here - gone.

After a time (if you're still riding the car) then you get to accept that it isn't going to be exactly what you wanted, and if you still crave that person you start to imagine compromises. Only later I got to feel a perverse pleasure in facilitating her adventures, then later was turned on myself.

 

Leigh, you used the word love in her original post... I'd be interested if you'd defend that phrase now...

 

 

 

 

 

Mate, I believe this girl will never just meet a guy she is " in love with" enough to stop doing what she is doing.

 

I think that even if she stops doing it, which may be possible if she gets proffessional help; she will still have the ability to do it.

 

Like wise, I do not believe that Andrew will EVER meet a girl, and suddenly lose his "ability" to be able to have meaningless sex with hookers, if given the chance.

 

I feel that Andrew loves me as much as he can really love a women. That is what my "instincts" are telling me.

 

I honestly cannot see him being that much crazier about a girl, than he is about me.

 

Like I stated before - I am not the type to just get into a relationship because of the perks or because I prefer it to being single....

 

I have to feel pretty loved and adored to bother with a guy, in a long term relationship.

 

If I am wrong about Andrew, I will find out; he will meet someone he is truly in love with and leave me.

 

If it happens it happens but I cannot envision it happeinng any time soon, or at all.

 

I also don

[Leigh 87]

Well, I tried to keep quiet.

 

Your 24 year old boyfriend is at the age where he'd still screw a knothole in a fence if he could get away with it and not get any splinters. It ain't rocket science. He's barely an adult and still full of hormones wanting to bang anything that moves that he can hold down, for God's sakes.

 

Secondly, only a complete little PUNK ASS would take advantage of a woman who obviously has many issues with regard to eating disorders, drugs, bad childhood issues, poor self image, low self esteem, and the list goes on. Yes, I said it. Only a greasy little WEASEL would parlay your misfortune and personal issues into an opportunity for HIMSELF because he knows you don't have the self esteem to stand up and demand some respect for yourself. He knows you won't kick his worthless ass to the curb but will instead work hard at trying to convince yourself - and the members here as well - that he deserves to be able to screw strangers. Poor, deprived, hapless little soul that he IS. Why, life is just SO unfair to him.

 

And lastly, what woman is going to waste her time with this jackhole? If we are to believe he actually plans to follow your rules - and you have a better chance of shaking hands with Jesus than you do of him following your rules - what woman is going to waste her time with someome else's boyfriend who's offering her LOUSY sex?

 

Honestly, if I were sitting in a bar and this sleaze ball walked up to me and proposed a one-night stand - telling me he has a girlfriend who allows him to screw girls on the side BUT he's not allowed to kiss me, I'll get no foreplay, he can't touch me, he can't do anything but jam his fingers into my crotch to "warm me up" and then follow up that little piece of heaven by jumping on top of me and pumping away until he's satisfied - I'd tell the little weasel to f*ck off.

 

And THAT my dear, is why he's NOT going to follow your rules. Because if he IS honest up front about it, he'll be lucky to score himself a 300 pound woman with a neatly trimmed beard, a wooden leg, and a hunchback.

 

Time to get realistic.

 

 

 

He is turinng 26 soon.

 

And he has no desire to kiss, carass, touch, or go down on any other girls.

 

He used a hooker or two as a human sex toy when we were first together, when we thought a threesome may be a fun thing to do...

 

That is it though. I was fine with what he did when we first got together, but we no longer do it.

 

It is not a matter of any man who engages in a threesome with a girlfriend, is a worthless scumbag.

 

I think I would know if he did not give a damn about me, who wanted to shag any women who moves.

 

Your a stranger over the internet. Your words do not ring true to how my partner actually is.

 

We had a couple of threesomes early on... It has been almost two years since then, and we are just fine alone, being monogomus, thanks.

 

And he was way too immature to see it as taking advantage of me; he does not know about psychological issues to do with eating disorders, or my previous drug addiction.

 

He did what he did, thinking I was fine with it, which I was; I was fine until people told me it was not healthy to continue having threesomes.

 

I questioned his love for me based on the fact he COULD have threesomes with a girl he just met, but two years later he makes it blatantly obvious that he is crazy about me, and in love with me.

 

I forgive him for overlooking the impact that sh9t had on me, he did not intend to hurt me.

[MYCluciferase]

Thanks Leigh. Best.