experiences with open relationships

[Jane2011]

When I was third party to the open relationship I mentioned previously, the girl was your age (actually, one year older -- 26 currently, 25 when she met her boyfriend). He's 34. She lost her virginity to him when she was 25. So I think she's a lot like you in the sense that she's "not ready or willing to NOT live out her sexual desires" (or, at the very least, know what other men are like in and out of the bedroom).

 

It's very true that plenty of people are ready to settle down at 25. I guess maybe it depends on how much sex you've had. Maybe it does seem like something of a rip-off to only have sex with one person and never experience another person again. But the thing is, don't ever get the impression that we "have" to experiment in order to be happy. I mean, there are people who go without sex, period. People who just don't ever get a boyfriend or girlfriend and just have no sex. I went without sex for six years in my twenties. Relationships themselves are not mandatory in a person's life, sex is even less mandatory. It's not the unthinkable "deprivation" that people make it out to be -- that is, the idea of having sex with only one person for a looooong time or even the rest of your life. People do it all the time. Even people who don't settle down at 25 or so still don't necessarily live out every single one of their sexual desires. They don't have sex with THAT many people. I mean, some do, but some don't. I have some fantasies that I'll never live out, nor do I even try to. I've had rape fantasies before. I've had fantasies of having sex standing up. Probably won't ever happen because I hear sex "standing up" is really difficult (it's something the movies makes look easy).

 

BTW, I do think a person can love a person a lot and still be hot for other people. But as others said, acting on it has a way of cheapening what you have with your actual partner. Having sex is the *one* thing you do with your partner that you don't do with other people. Every single other thing you do in a relationship (eat meals together, talk about your day, watch movies together, share experiences, take trips, go for walks, etc.) -- they're all things you do with friends and/or family, too. The one thing that makes your romantic relationship a romantic relationship instead of a very close friendship is sexual/physical intimacy. If you do that with other people, too, you're making it less special between the two of you.

[kaylan]

I think you are seriousl;y ignorant when it comes to the fact that it is entirely normal and possible, for a man to be in love, and still enjoy other women, on the terms of his girlfriend/partner...

 

 

My boyfriend would probablt tell u all to go jump, and that u have no idea of his feelings for me. He definately has been clear, that he does not need other girls if I was that way inclined; the fact when I met him, that I had a simialr out loook on sex, just made us closer, that we found like minded people.

 

 

I am the one who brought my view to the table first. He, being a typical guy first seeing a girl, loved the idea. However, as he got to love me, he never mentioned it, until I did. He said he was happy to never do anything should I ask him not to.

Thats the thing. Your terms are unrealistic as hell. Because of the freedom you gave this guy, HE WILL eventually start meeting girls behind your back and think its ok.

 

And even if he doesnt do it behind your back and lets you know hes meeting new girls, HE WILL have foreplay with them. HE WILL KISS THEM. Thats all apart of sex. Thats the variety people like. Differences in kiss, touch, breasts and ass size, taste. And you are NAIVE as all get out, if you think he wont do those things with a girl.

 

You are even more naive if you think itll be impossible for him to get any sort of emotional feelings for any of them. Its really as simple as him meeting a one night stand in a club, having hot sex, and finding out she has an interest in motorcycles like he does. Or that she shares other interests with him. AND BAM....right there you have competition and a threat....and all because you allowed this.

 

P.S. - And you are really kidding yourself if you dont think hed use his mouth on a hot piece of trim. The reason he gives you that "i only give oral to women I love" crap is because hes trying to shut up your insecurity. If hes able to do all these other things with strange women, do you reeeeaaallly think if the guy was sexy enough and that they really clicked, that he wouldnt go down on her?

 

Lets be serious homegirl.

Edited February 20, 2012 by kaylan

[Jane2011]

The open-relationship guy I was seeing went down on me the second time we saw each other. Granted, I don't think there were "rules" in their situation, but I don't know for sure. Maybe there was a rule not to do that for a while, but he broke it. Or maybe there was a rule not to do it at all, but he broke it. Even if there was no rule, he went down on me happily because many men like to do that sort of thing.

 

He also said things to me in the bedroom which I thought of as subtle betrayals of her. I'm 5 feet tall and 107 lbs; short and thin, basically. His girlfriend is 5'6" and about 135-145 (I dunno). She's basically thin, too, but taller and a little more fleshy than me. I know I'm more of an exerciser than she is, so she's not as toned as me but not fat either. He would say to me in the bedroom, "I like how our sizes are together. I like that it's easy to move you around. You're in such good shape."

 

Now, I'm quite sure he said things to her about how nice it was to have a woman with big boobs (her boobs were bigger than mine). But still, the thing is, your boyfriend is likely going to say complimentary things to the women he gets with, things that are in some way complimenting them for things you don't have or that you don't do.

 

It was even just the thought of that sort of thing that made me sick. I don't want a guy I'm with enjoying other women and saying "I love your ____."

[Mme. Chaucer]

Leigh,

 

First, I am completely fine with people conducting themselves sexually in whatever way they please.

 

But,

 

Having sex with a woman is NOT "experiencing a vagina." Well, that's included, but it does not in any way cover what goes on when people have sex, even if they paid for it.

 

You have gone all over the map in this one thread, which shows that you really don't know where YOU stand. Are you aware of this? Not only about the "rules" of the sex adventures, but about the very nature of your relationship. You have gone from "true love" to "it's not a serious relationship."

 

And, beyond this one thread, you have gone from you and your boyfriend broke up, to you are traveling to WA together, back to body image issues, to "working on yourself," to this focus on sex.

 

SETTLE DOWN.

 

You really need to settle down and get a handle on YOURSELF and how you really feel and what you really believe before you even set FOOT into your boyfriend's (or whatever he is) perspective. And forget completely about trying to use "what men like" in general to try to establish what is good for you and what you are actually going to do.

 

Do you have ANY person you trust that you can talk to about how you want to handle your life, and to talk through things that are confusing or frightening? Do you talk to you mom or dad? Have you EVER had any psychiatric help?

 

I feel like you are completely alone.

 

Do you remember when you posted here about having "casual sex" with that hot body builder guy? You went on and on about how you were going to do it for your own enjoyment, like you are doing here about the other women. You did it. And then, you went into a hellish place of obsession about him and self loathing because of his behavior after you had sex with him.

 

You need help with boundary setting, big time.

 

You are setting yourself up for a terrible crash.

[mitchell]

With your level of insecurity, it's easy to see the train wreck coming down the pike on this one.

 

The ground rules you've laid out can never be followed. No kissing? No foreplay? What about the girl he picks up and screws. Imagine in the heat of the moment that she kisses him. He's not going to turn away. Imagine during the heat of the moment, she begs him to go down on her. He will eat her out with pleasure so he can continue on and screw her.

 

Remember how he doesn't go down on you? This will drive you insane.

[veggirl]

Leigh, You are obsessed with this us against the world mentality where no one can POSSIBLY understand how you and your BF feel. You need to STOP with the "special snowflake" shiz.

 

What is your point?

 

WHy is it hard to believe, that my boyfriend really loves me, wants to be with me, and simply enjoys 3 somes?

 

 

Perhaps he is actually into me? Maybe he loves me and wants to be with me? Why is that so hard to believe? I di not get your train of thought.

 

People here tend to be excessively negative. where as, I am apositive person, and do not think all men are wankers; just most of them. Some actually tell the truth, and do not hude their intent from the ones they love.

 

Anyone who dares to disagree with you is negative. I don't think anyone here called men wankers, did they? I certainly don't think men are wankers.

 

can u please kindly f*ck off from my thread, mercy:)?

 

I guess the smiley face is what made that "positive"?

 

Why can't people disagree with you? Why are you SO defensive and so UNWILLING to consider another view point? it's because you are DESPERATE to keep your boyfriend. You are DESPERATE to be the "perfect" girlfriend and have the "perfect" relationship.

 

I said in your other thread that your BF is taking advantage of a lost, fked up girl. HE IS. Consciously or NOT, that is what is going on here.

 

And you keep HARPING on this shiz about guys getting horny because of other girls. SO WHAT? DUH that happens. NO ONE has said that doesn't happen. what everyone is saying is that MOST MEN don't actually act on that in a way that disrespects their relationship.

 

Whatever Leigh. Have 3somes with your man. Let him fk hookers. I'm sure it'll all be roses and daisies for ya.

 

I can't believe this got to 8 pgs without you mentioning how you guys cuddle when you sleep, as proof of your love for one another.

[darkmoon]

i had a boyf, he loved me but was unfaithful, in shared fantasies and where he worked he'd screw for real but i never had confidence issues because our sex life was good

 

open is possible

[veggirl]

i had a boyf, he loved me but was unfaithful, in shared fantasies and where he worked he'd screw for real but i never had confidence issues because our sex life was good

 

open is possible

 

Well if this isn't a glowing review of an "open" relationship, I don't know what is

[Leigh 87]

He is not going to go with other girls - he said he prefers 3 somes, does not thin he could go through with being with other girls, and I only CONTEMPLATED letting him ever go with other girls; the reality is, neither of us are HAPPY, to let the other go off with other people, alone.

 

Because neither of us areh appy to let the other go at it ALONE, we both agree that 3 somes satisfies our needs to sexually explore. What I DO NOT understand, is why having 3 somes makes my boyfriend NOT LOVE ME?

 

NO ONE on here can know how he feels about me. He loves me, he is not using me, and he is not wanting or DOING, other women ont he side. He is very loving and ignorant when it comes to open relationships...

 

He assumed that open, was fun and he said that if he ever DID it, he would serparate emotions and sex. However, as I have mentioned severl times, we have decided AGAINST this. A mutual thing. We need to BOTH be comfortable with it, and we are not.

 

I REALLY think it is ignorant and wrong of people to assume he does not like, love, or even CARE about me!! what the heck wiould U know!? U do not know how he is to me, how he treates me, or how he feels....

 

 

Anorther thing- my boyfriend seriously did not like going down on women. He has only liked it with me and one other girl.... He is good looking, has hooked up A LOT, and yet never once went down on a girl until he was 23, and he only did it about once every 2 weeks out of the 3 months there wer together.

 

He is open minded, and when I told him to learn to like it for me, he did, and now ge loves it and he goes down on me every time we have sex. It turns me on that he has previously hated it, and then learnt to like it. Not all people change their ways, at least he is very open to trying and liking knew things.

 

 

 

Really, I do not see one bad thing about my boyfriend; besides the fact, he was too emotionally unaware, to see the true reason sas to WHY he liked the idea of potentially having other girls, but DID NOT want me with other men.

 

As I have stated again and again, he is not ove the idea of having other women, he knows I am not okay with that, and that I would never let him do it unless I could do it with other men. He is at peace with this and ahs said it is absoutely fine.

 

 

He said that if he ever wanted to go elsewhere in a relatiopnship, he would always always tell the girl first,and then wait until the girl was over him before going to another girl. He said he would absolutely tell me if he felt the desire to really go and f*ck other women.

 

 

My boyfriend has never had a girlfriwnd before me - just girls he has maybe seen a few times. I am the first girl he has truly loved, and we have been together a year, which is a long time for us both. Previously, swe had no relationships, were single for all of our 20's, besides chicks he hooked up with repeatedly. Never any lasting relationships on his half. Me? I was ssexless and without any men.

 

 

I am unsure about how any one online can be 100% sure he does not love me...seeing as they do not see or hear his actions in real life towards me. The only bad thing he has done, is thinking he can have his cake, when I can;'t. Again, he is over that, I told him it was a red flag and he apologized and said he only liked the idea in theory, and was not even sure he could do it ( and he has not been able to, as I have let him if he so wanted for many months. He declined, he said he thought it would make us less close)

 

 

Really, if u knew him, it is a typical mind set of him to have.. he is immature, not experiended with relationships, and the last girl he felt strongly for was only travel and F buddies with him. She was a girl who separates sex and emotions - she told him he COULD get other girls, since they were only travelling and had no future.

 

I do not hold it against him, the fact he is very inexperienced with relationships, recognising his true feelings, and thayt he thought it was very " cool", the idea of me and the very cool other girl, saying " sure, we know u like us, go do whatever, it isonly sex after all"

 

Liking that idea, and actually living it, is anorher story. I would not feel as clos to him, probably not be able to handle it, and it would definately ruin our relationship. He said having a closness with me, is far more important to him than getting girls ont he side. He said he did not think he could actually do it, any way.

 

 

Let me just re hash the situation

 

- I liked 3 somes for.. some time before I met him

- he also enjoys 3 somes with me. They were his first and he loved it.

- he suggested starting with hookers, so there is less risk of me getting hurt

- it worked, and I am now willing to progress onto normal girls

- he said he would constantly be doing things to me to make ME feel loved and appreciated for letting him have 3 somes, something he enjoyes, and would not go off and foreplay with her, unless I was included.

 

-at first I did not like the idea of the foreplay, but we discussed it, and he told me hwo it would be, and that he would ensure I did not fel left out in any way.

 

 

- I cannot see him forming a bond with a girl who he does not talk with outside of the 3 some.

 

 

- he is a very honest guy, and would not go doing things behind my back, he is the sort of guy to end things with me FIRST.

 

 

- all his friends attest tp the fact and have gone out of their way to tell me, that he is the nicest guy. A top guy, who is well liked, and who has never been a nasty player.

[Leigh 87]

Veg girl...

come on...

 

 

" have your 3 somes and let him F hookers, sure it will be GREAT"

 

You obviously do not think these things can occur in a loving relationship.

 

Well, you are wrong. It works for some people. It has only served to bring us closer.

 

 

We hang out every day. We are very close. We do everything together because we enjoy each oithers company. We do not need to see friends as much, since we have one another, and do love our own independance a ocuple of days a week, for other friends.

 

 

We have not been affected by our shared love of 3 somes. The hookers are an option , if he is away for ages. I just view it as a healthy thing for many men to do, when away from their girlfriends.

 

 

We both love each other more than any other relationship( or in his case, girls he has seen). He knows what genuine romantic feelings are. He has HAD them before. He would not waste a year spending every day with me, if he did not feel those feelings towards me.

 

He is not a time waster, and there is no way he would be with a girl just for kicks, to use them... he is tends to discard anything that wastes his time and happiness.

 

 

He has actually helped me a lot. He helpd me gain weight and over come an eatung disorder. He helped me learn the social norms with around people. He went through hell because of me, and he stuck by me at my very worst.

 

 

He has seen me in my worst state before, and not gone running. He said he does not desver me at my best if he cannot love me in the worst ways I can get......

 

 

Honestly, we both laugh at trhe idea of online strangers saying we are not in love... really? U can read hismind?

 

 

Total insanity.

 

I did contemplate letting him f*ck other women, but now see it was a ridiculous idea, since he will not let ME do the same with men.

 

 

 

 

U all seam to think I could walk away from him, and he would not miss me and he would be over me in a week, get a girl to F*ck and that is that. WRONG.

 

We are very close, and this is nto the caase. With the last girl he liked, he said it took him almost a year to get over her, and he did not hook up until many months afterwards.

 

 

I know we have something special, and have no idea why people over the INTERNET process to KNOW he does not love me? It sijust so, so bizare to me.

[Mme. Chaucer]

I know we have something special, and have no idea why people over the INTERNET process to KNOW he does not love me? It sijust so, so bizare to me.

 

But … you just told us in this very thread that you and he are NOT in a "serious relationship."

[Leigh 87]

he said it is a serious relationship. It is. I want to take a step back at times, namely because of the desire for other girls. I felt thaty if he truly wants that, he can go do it. Without me.

 

He said he would not be happy without me, he wants to be with me, and he would much rather not have the other girls.

[Mme. Chaucer]

Is this an example of the kind of dramas that you told us you create that cause problems in your relationship?

[Kamille]

I have to agree with Leigh. There's no way we can assess his feelings for her. This 3some thing, after all, was her idea.

 

That being said Leigh, it doesn't lessen my concerns at all about why you think open relationships are the way to long term relationship happiness. I wish you would stop spending so much time trying to figure out what men want and spend more time trying to figure out what truly makes you feel safe, valued and happy.

[Leigh 87]

The main view we both share,, that we both expressed when we first met, was " it is not appealing , thinking about settling down with the one person for our whole lives, in our 20's!"

 

 

Neither of us wanted/ want to settle down, howver, we fell in love and now do not want to be apart any time soon. I suggested 3 somes, as a way to keep things ineresting.

 

 

Other girls outside of a 3 some has been discussed and dismissed. In theory it sounded logical to us: we go with other people, we divide between emotioons and sex, and get to have our closeness, with fun on the side.

 

 

It did not work out, because he realized he could not handle ME doing it... and therefore, as if I will let HIm do it. We are both satisfied with 3 somes for varity, and although we do not want to settle down, we do love each other and would like to settle down with each other WHEN we are ready.

 

 

 

It is a case of: neither of us were looking to settle down when we met. It disgustes us, having kids, not travelling and seeing the world, and giving our lives to children at this stage.

 

We would like childred one day for sure, though. We have both said it would be lovely it it ends up being with each other.

 

And no, neither of us want to tae drugs when partying and going out - we mostly ernjoy music festivals, and social drinking.

 

We tried pot a lot in our lives and we both hate it. Never want to go near it again. We are both simialr in a lot of ways.

[Janesays]

You sound so brainwashed.

[Leigh 87]

What makes me feel valued, and at my happiest, is spending a lot of time with the person Ilove. I feel thrileld and happy to be around him walking down the street with him. I love being around him.

 

 

I also need 3 somes, as a way of experimenting sexually. I just am not ready to just have my boyfriend in the bedroom.We both feel we can go without other people, howevber, separately.

 

 

Here is the deal: when we metm, neither of us wanted to never have sex with other people again. We did not want to be each others last person. We were after a short term thing, we did NOT THINK in terms of a future together!!

 

We just went with the flow. Turns out, we started to love eachother, and now we are both find with going without sex with people, unless it is in the 3 some context.

 

It works for both of us, and is integral with us staying together; neither of us want to go without other fun, so 3 somes are a mutual way for us to both be satisfied, not settle down sexually, but do not go off and do it alone, which we both agreed would feel distant and wrong.

[Mme. Chaucer]

Are you still committed to working on yourself, like you wrote in many posts recently? If you are, what are you doing towards that goal?

[veggirl]

All right Leigh.

 

Personally, I couldn't be with a man who "needed" sexual experiences with other women to be happy. You can apparently be in that situation and in fact say you thrive in it. Different strokes.

 

Good luck with your BF, I hope that you're as happy as you are insisting you are.

[Leigh 87]

Veg girl - I agree! I do not want to be with my boyfriend, if he NEEDS it.

 

He says it is a WANT. Not need.

 

I have told him to go out, get laid by more women, and get it out of his system. Alone.

 

He said he would rather be with me, and go without.

 

 

However, he said that we are both young, and want to have fun. I agreed.

 

for now, 3 somes work. However, should he say he needs girls outside of the 3 somes, I will obviously have enough self respect to leave him. MOre than one guy out there as upset as I will be.

 

For now, he said he does not see himself needing other women, besides me.Given that I enjoy 3 somes, he says he cannot see him being dissatisfied with this arrangment. Of course, this could change, which brings me to the fact I need to work on myself, and be able to get over him when this will probably happen.

 

Right now, as much as I love being around him, I am more focused on getting a job, which I will use the money to pay for certificates ./quaifications which will get me better jobs, and also working out, eating well, and exploring me own interestes outside of the relationship more.

[mitchell]

What if you two bring home a girl and she has the most beautiful, perfect pussy. How will you feel when your boyfriend gets all excited and dives right down to eat her out? Remember how he told you he did this with a "hot" model who was perfect down there and enjoyed it?

 

Why are you setting yourself up for this disaster?

[Leigh 87]

He has been with many beautiful women, and never felt the urge to go down on them.

 

It is not his thing.

 

However, he said there has only been two occasions in his life, where has enjoyed it: with me, and the other girl; because he loved us.

 

He says he needs feelings to go down on a girl AND for them to be attractive.

 

He assured me 100%, there is absolutely no chance that he will want to go down on a girl, as he has never had the impulse to do so in his life, besides girls he has loved or almost loved.

 

 

Even so, if he DID feel like it, he assured me that he would abide my the one rule I have : no going down on them. He says he is thrilled at the chance to just experiment when he has a loving girlfriend, and seriously cannot see himself changing his view regarding going down on them.

 

A lot of guys I have talked to about oral, are the same: they have only done it once to 3 times, with girls they love, or a rare super model they have scored with. They are guys who get a lot of pretty women often, too.... and just do not like going down on most women.

 

Perhaps it is where I live... The guys do not all seam to like going down on girls, and only like it with girls they love, or super hot girls as a one off urge they get. These guys are all from the same sub culture, and they are the same type of character, which makes sense.

 

 

 

He does prefer nice pussys. About 1/3 of women have "outie" ones, which he dislikes. As long as they are "innies:" he really does not mind. Some guys are fussy, but most are not.

[Leigh 87]

Oh - He said that what we have IS NOT AN OPEN relationship.

 

 

He said he does not want one. I am only ever willing to hjave 3 somes, because I enjoy it: I will never enjoy him f*cking other women ALONE, without me.

 

 

I told him to pls let me know if he ever feels the urge to do irt without me; to be a good person and tell me. If he does, I will just get over him and find a guy who only wants me ( but enjoyes 3 somes, as I do not want a guy who is not into my preferences)

[Eve]

How many times have you had a threesome with youre bf, OP?

 

Just curious.

 

I thought this was something people did every now and then. You speak about it as though it is everyday.

 

Methinks you have let this fantasy shape and define your relationship, like, completely.

 

Take care,

Eve x

[Leigh 87]

Oh - we have only had 3 of them...........

 

 

We do not do it often, and would prefer not to.

 

To us, it is like sex toys: something to use occasionally, to spice things up.

 

 

We are young, and we have both said the phrase : we are young, and want to have fun, including sexually, before we settle down with one person"