kaylan Posted February 20, 2012 Posted February 20, 2012 If sex is just sex, then he could get one of those things someone mentioned yesterday - a sex toy, not a person. if sex is just sex, instead of love and he loves you, I don't see why he would go along with this. I guess I'm stupid, since so many men at least, might think this guy is lucky (I've heard about men being all for an open relationship, until it comes down to their partner finding other men - then they don't want it, so you really have made this ideal for him, and not for you, from what you're saying - I'm not convinced that you will be okay with it in the long run. :/ <3 ) The people I know in open relationships, have struggled with things like jealousy - the healthy relationships I'm talking about here - they don't have the same rules, and they not only love the people they're with, but are respectful of each other, they've worked on their self-esteem issues, and spend time together. They are friends and in love, with their partners/spouses and at least two other people. It isn't easy, and I will say that the more they felt the need to defend their relationships - the ones I know of - the more shaky their self-esteem was around the whole thing. It was like they felt they had something to prove, you know? I know that the only way Id be cool with any sort of relationship that didnt only have 2 people in it, was if I wasnt serious about the first girl I was seeing...ie...I didnt like her a lot or love her. I couldnt dream of being in an open relationship with a woman I really cared about. But hey, thats me. Personally, I think the myth that men separate emotions and sex more than women do is bunk. Usually guys that insist that sex is mealiness aren't really in love. Case in point: my guy was a virgin when we got together. I had some concerns that if he stayed together, he would always wonder what it would be like to sleep with another woman. So, I broached the idea of us really committing to each other until he had a chance to sow some wild oats. He was flat out horrified with this idea. He said that sex was very emotional for him and not something he could fathom with someone else since he was so in love with me. At first I was a little skeptical, until I realized that pushing the idea was legitimately hurting his feelings. I spoke to some of my guy friends about their emotions and sex and every single one of them said that when they were head over heels in love with a woman, they completely lost all sexually desire for other women. In essence, they felt it would be pointless because other women just wouldn't measure up to being with their love. Blew me away because I always bought that crap about men not caring about sex. Turns out, a lot of them are as secretly romantic as we are. Agree with the bold. Ive met some guys who absolutely couldnt have sex outside of a relationship. And then Ive met girls who tossed men aside, me included, like we were old toys. The people who sell the idea that "men only care about sex and arent romantic" are fools. Its usually the media that pushes this idea. We see it in movies and tv a lot, even though plenty of romantic guys exist. Sure I am able to have sex for fun with a girl I dont care about. But what I really want, is to make love to someone who makes my heart swell up. When Ive fallen hard for a girl I dont even look at other chicks really. A switch goes into the OFF position in my brain because Ive got all that I need right by my side.
kaylan Posted February 20, 2012 Posted February 20, 2012 There are many types of love (friendship, familial, platonic, romantic, etc.), but a man who's TRULY IN LOVE with a woman will not want to have casual sex with random women. I dunno...I used to think this...but can we really speak about what others feel in their heart? Ive seen people do some things I could never do while loving someone, but they still seemed so completely in love with their mate. I may not have felt that they were in love by my standards...but they sure felt they loved their mate with all their heart. They just had different expectations of what love was exactly supposed to be. Its all rather confusing really.
Janesays Posted February 20, 2012 Posted February 20, 2012 Keep in mind, I am the ONLY girl my guy has EVER slept with. When we get married, he will be committing to sleeping with one girl in his entire life. He has repeatedly insisted that he does not view this concept as a 'death sentence.' On the contrary, he feels like he'd be LUCKY to be with only me forever. See, that's love. When sex becomes MORE than penises and vagina. When it becomes exclusive and intimate and the ultimate expression of your love. Sex like that almost becomes spiritual, you know? 1
Author Leigh 87 Posted February 20, 2012 Author Posted February 20, 2012 My boyfriend has absolutely expressed to me, that sex with me, a girl he loves, is something that is much, much MUCH MUCH more fullfilling, than a mere one night stand. He sais the two do not compare. I will get him to elaborate more, however: he does not like to tal about feelings. He never has - like a lot of men. Which is why I feel extra special, the times he has opened up, and told me how close he feels to me, and said such things to me. I want him to tell me how much/if he truly DOES see sex with a loving partner, as a TOTALLY different thing, something he venerates, in comparison to a ONS. He does view sex with me, abve and beyond a casual thing, however,. I need him to really stress how much better sex when in love is.
Author Leigh 87 Posted February 20, 2012 Author Posted February 20, 2012 I love the notion of spending your whole life, building your closness with one person. What I do not like, is only having sex with the one girl. Forever. I am averse to that idea, even. I just do not see any harm, and think it is more healthy for many men, to get to have more than one sexual partner in their whole livs, EVEN if strongly in love. I believe that men are attracted to nice looking women. Being madly in love does not change the fact guys get horny over good looking girls in bikinis. I am not saying I do not want my guy to be satisfied with ME. I need him to stress a lot, before it ever happens, that he is 100% happy with me, and that others are just a BONUS I let him indulge in. So far, is is very good and vocal about how much he does appreciate and enjoy ME, my body, MY mind, etc...
kaylan Posted February 20, 2012 Posted February 20, 2012 It was my idea. Before I met him, I always thought that, since there are many ideal people out there for you, who u could be very happy with, WHY limit yourself to one person? Then I fell in love, and learnt that emotionally, I love and want to build closness with the ONE person. F*Ck getting close and : experiencing" other people. However, I still believe that, if two people are truly in love, why not have sex on the side, in order to get to experience knew people sexually? In theory, it makes perfect sense to me. In theory, in this day and age, it sounds more appealing for men, to get to experience more than one vagina in the 10 - 20 years or more, that they are in love with one women!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I just do not understand why it is necessarily ideal, for men to love one women for say, 10 - 20 years, and ONLY GET TO experience sex from ONE person. Only getting to experience ONE WOMEN in all that time, sexually speaking, baffles me, to be honest. I could feel like the hottest, most AMAZING girl ont he planet; still I would prefer my partner to get to experience more than one women in all that time!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I dunno hun. If I was with you, and I fell in love with you, I wouldnt really desire other girls. Why risky the damage it could do to us? And if you pushed me to try it, its very possible that I would fall for one (or more) of those girls. It doesnt necessarily mean Ill fall in love with any of them, but its very possible ill develop a strong like for them. I mean for me, personally, I feel a lot of emotion during sex depending on the girl. So theres no guarantee I wont ever fall for one of those chicks if you are pushing me to have sex with them. This is all assuming I agreed to go along with this, because I couldnt see myself dating a girl seriously whod ask this of me...because Id assume shed want other men and didnt really like me. 2
Mme. Chaucer Posted February 20, 2012 Posted February 20, 2012 This makes me sad. You are trying to talk yourself and all of us into something. It's not what's good for you. You specifically - I do not believe that regular monogamy is for everyone. Are you completely done with drugs in your life, or do drugs still play a role in your life?
Kamille Posted February 20, 2012 Posted February 20, 2012 I love the notion of spending your whole life, building your closness with one person. What I do not like, is only having sex with the one girl. Forever. I am averse to that idea, even. I just do not see any harm, and think it is more healthy for many men, to get to have more than one sexual partner in their whole livs, EVEN if strongly in love. Is that because you are also averse to the idea of only have sex with the one man forever? I bet you your answer is no. Somehow you have dehumanized men in your life. You don't think they act and feel like you could act and feel. You've mentioned past experiences with men which might explain why you imagine them to be unable to control their sexuality. (You've called it sexual abuse at times, and then denied it was abuse in other threads). So far, your only reason to want an open relationship has little to do with what you want, and everything to do with what you think men want. That's why this worries me. 1
Author Leigh 87 Posted February 20, 2012 Author Posted February 20, 2012 I do not believe monogomy is for a lot of people. I simply believe that two people can really be it for each other, and love each other and be totally happy and WANT to be together, in a deap love, for the rest of their lives:WHILE also experiencing other people. I do not think the other " people" should be a strong need. I think it is just a BONUS, to have occasionally. For it to be legit, in my opinion, the guy has to pretty much just want the girl they LOVE, and OTHER GIRLS would be a very minimal acitvity. NOT something they incessantly or OFTEN need. My boyfriend says that he could NOT handle me being with another man. I asked him " is it your ego, your own pride? Or is it because u love me so much that u cannot bear the thought of other guys touching me. There is a difference between ego and feeling that I am YOURs, opposed to true love, and u not bearing ME with other guys.
Author Leigh 87 Posted February 20, 2012 Author Posted February 20, 2012 For me: I have nothing against the sort of men who only DO want one sexual partner for their whole lives. I am not averse to it, in certain men. I just think some men can love a women totally and complately, but enjoy it more, if they can epxerience a NEW vagina. Plain and simple. The varity, in my opinion, will ENHANCE their relationship. I just feel innately, that some men would feel better and happier in their loving relationships, if they got something new from time to time.
kaylan Posted February 20, 2012 Posted February 20, 2012 My boyfriend says that he could NOT handle me being with another man. I asked him " is it your ego, your own pride? Or is it because u love me so much that u cannot bear the thought of other guys touching me. There is a difference between ego and feeling that I am YOURs, opposed to true love, and u not bearing ME with other guys. It is his ego. If it was love then hed want to be with only you as well. Its not his heart having trouble with other men being inside you, its his huge selfish ego. Leigh, tell us all this. What do YOU want in a relationship hun. Stop telling us what you think men want. Tell us what you want out relationship. Whats your perfect relationship.
Janesays Posted February 20, 2012 Posted February 20, 2012 Ok, bottom line and I know this is going to sound harsh and I apologize for that. But I think if your boyfriend loved you, he'd realize how damaged you are and he would absolutely REFUSE to do this out of fear that it would eat at you, hurt you or play into your insecurities. That fact that he has, instead, taken advantage of your extreme fear of abandonment and manipulated you into thinking you are the 'cool' girlfriend for letting him screw around makes him a freaking slimeball. That's not love, baby. That's a predator who cares more about his peee than he does for your emotional wellbeing. 1
Author Leigh 87 Posted February 20, 2012 Author Posted February 20, 2012 I also feel that it is just... not something I would want: to only f*c one girl fopr your entire lives/ WHEN OLDER, sure, I do subscrive to the wanting one girl only for years and yearss...... It is only to the guys IN THEIR 20's and possible early to mid 30;s, that I believe may feel better in their loving relationship, if they get to experience other women occasionally. This is alla bout what I think is feasible and optimal. OPTIMAL: sure, a guy can happily remain faithful. However, if he is given the choice to h ave sex with another women, as a ONE NIGHT STAND, no emotions or prior contact involved... why not experience the enjoyment and satisfaction of another beautiful women? I view all women as beautiful, and I AM a women! If I was a man, I think it is healthier for MOST men to get to still experience more than ONE women for their entire lives! It is what ios logical, and I have always thought this way, before any abuse occured. My abuse was not severe; I was young and hated my self and had no regard for my body, so I let a few guys f*cki me even when I said no. This is why now, I cannot have sex unless I am in love. I get so saddened at the fact I did not value and regard my body or self, that now I would just not be able to let a guy have me, UNLES I was in love together, with them. this is why I do not WANT other men... I do not readily give up my body, unless a guy shows me I he is worthy; that he absolutely wants me, emotionally as wel as physically. For this reason, I do not feel like also f*cing around, if we DO TRY it.
chelsea2011 Posted February 20, 2012 Posted February 20, 2012 If that's your philosophy in life good for you. It doesn't mean everyone should live that way though. To each his own. If you are happy then good...no need to try and convince everyone else that this the way it should be. Best of luck to you.
Author Leigh 87 Posted February 20, 2012 Author Posted February 20, 2012 Jane - I see what your saying. Look, i think there is a great chance he does love me. I know he LOVES me, but perhaps is not ' in love", in a romantic way? He has felt strongly for a girl before, once once before in his life, and tells me he has the same " type of romantic feeling" for me, only that he loves me far more than he did her ( since we became much closer and had a longer relationship., his love for me grew) He knows what romantic feelings are, VS just " loving" a personm platonically. I am going to SHOW HIM this post, Jane. He is not the most self aware person, and perhaps if he considered it, he will see that he does not fully grasp what he is doing, and what sex with other women could entail forme. I DO know he is NOT a scum bag. He would never cheat, he does not believe in doing that to people; he said he would tell me if he was experiencing the urge to cheat, and he would end it if this was the case. He honestly is a nice guy. I am going to just wait and see how close and in love we get. Ultimately, I do want him to only want me, and then one day, for me to say he can go and have some fun occasionally.. I guess I will WAIT and see, before I let him do it, after all.. All I know is: IN MY head, I think it makes more sense to experience different women, than me monogomus FOREVER.
Jane2011 Posted February 20, 2012 Posted February 20, 2012 But it really isn't just a new vagina from time to time. Men don't have sex with just vaginas. There's flesh, a body type, a smell, sex noises, hair, ways of being held and touched, a breathing rhythm, a way of kissing, a voice, a personality, and just a lot of uniqueness that goes with the vagina. I'd be worried my guy was falling for the other stuff... When I was in an open relationship, the guy's girlfriend was jealous. I met up with her for coffee one day, and even though she was the one who pushed him to be in an open relationship (go on dates and have sex if it came to that), she looked (for the whole hour I sat and talked to her) like she was about to cry because her boyfriend was interested in me and had sex with me. She said to me, "I don't want to lose him." I was thinking...then why tell him to have sex with other women? Are you a fool to think you're the only attractive woman in the world with a charming personality? He would be able to resist other women's charms a lot more easily if you didn't tell him to go on dates with them... 1
Author Leigh 87 Posted February 20, 2012 Author Posted February 20, 2012 My main thing I am trying to understand is: Can I man truly, wholy, completely love a women, and still enjoy sex, no emotionms sex, a one night stand with a women he will never see again? ONe person told me his love took years to build, before he felt so strongly about his girlfriend, that he DID only want her. Still enjoying looking at other women, but was very happy to only have her. For some people, the smack bang intense love at first site thing, does not happen. For many I feel it takes years to build the love, to the point where u only truly WANT sex, in the context of a loving relationship. Obviously, me and my b/f are nto at the point, where he would not enjoy sex as a casual one night stand; he WOULD indeed, still probably enjoy it. Does that mean we cannot build our relationship, to the point where he HAS HAD ENOUGH of occasional one night stands? Who is to say, that HE WILL NOT get to a point, where he just wants me, and honestly has no desire for emotionless sex? I DO NOT THINK I NEED that from him at this point. I do want a future with him, however, I am still at the stage where I am wanting to build things with us more, BEFORE I am totally sure about us! It is one year, which for me is early days, and while we want to be together, we are young and WHO KNOWS what is around the corner? I think I would rather WAIT unti, and NOT RULE OUT, him getting to a stager with me, where he DOES NOT WANT sex with other girls. WHat makes everyone sure, that ALL men are NOT CAPABLE of being totally in love, AND still enjoy casual sex, as pure sex, no emotions? What makes you 100% SURE, that if it ia REAL LOVE, that the guy WILL NOT EVEN DESIRE OR ENJOY sex with a hot lady? I am not sure of the answers myself. I just think there is a chance for some guys,. not ALL guys, to be able to truly be in love, but still want to experience pther women, as a pure physical thing.
Janesays Posted February 20, 2012 Posted February 20, 2012 Leigh, I don't know you as well as your boyfriend does and even I can tell that deep down in your heart, you. Side ong for security, stability, and someone who is going to stick by your side even when things get ugly. You two against the world, right? Well guess what? You deserve it. And you shouldn't have to grin ans bear your boyfriend sleazing around with hookers to get it. I believe is in strong like with you. But if he loved you, he wouldn't risk hurting you for a stupid roll in the hay with a 'newwoman vagina.' He would see that your 'offer' comes from a place of pain and fear and instead if taking advantage of it, would instead be working double time to make you feel emotionally safe and secure. Go ahead and show him posts. And tell him I think he's lower than dirt and should be ashamed.
Author Leigh 87 Posted February 20, 2012 Author Posted February 20, 2012 I would not let him go on DATES.... I am not ready for it to happen just yet, but IF and WHEN it did happen, I would look at it as a one night stand, with a girl he COULD NOT talk to ever again. I would not be comfortable with him seeing other girls. Just sex. I know there is mroe to sex than a vagina, of course. I am not really ready for him to seek all of those things just yet. My mind set, however, just naturally assumes iti s healthy for SOME men.. to be in love AND also fulfill their need cor varity. Again, it has to be A BONUS, not something they NEED. They have to be happy with their pasrtner without it.
Jane2011 Posted February 20, 2012 Posted February 20, 2012 Even just seeing other girls/women is a date, though. Maybe not dinner and movie dates, but he's going to interact with the women. They're going to talk and exchange thoughts. He'll inevitably get to know them. And maybe like them.
Janesays Posted February 20, 2012 Posted February 20, 2012 Gah! That autocorrect on my phone is going crazy! IT THINKS IT KNOWS ME BUT IT DOESN'T! ARGH, STUPID TECHNOLOGY! :-D
Author Leigh 87 Posted February 20, 2012 Author Posted February 20, 2012 The thing is: he would not do ANYTHING he KNEW would hurt me. He would not do it. He has not thought of all the variables and factors involved. Look - u ovbiously do not believe that a guy can love me, and also enjoy occasional sex. That is fine:) You, along with many people who have your viewpoint, ar entitled to your opinion. Perhaps you are right. I am unsure, if a guy can truly love a girl, and want sex with other women. However, I am unsure if they CAN love a girl, and still enjoy sex with other women. I am undecided. I am glad I made this thread, because I now know I am not ready to let him do this. I am not sure if HE is ready yet, either. Perhaps he does not love me in the way he needs to, for him to only want one girl? Perhaps the potential is there with me, TO love me ( if he does not already)? I know there is, in fact, actually. Perhaps he has not reached that level of love for me yet, and once he does, things will changce, in regards to wanting other girls for sex. I am unsure about the whole thing. I am going to wait and see how hsi feelings towards me grow. I have overcome a hard time in my life, and when the sailing is smooth, I am a much better person to ffall in love with. Sure, i am great now, and I believe I have the basis for him to fall in love with. However, I am a shell of what I COULD be, due to being stunted in my personal development. WHat I am saying is: there fundamtnals are THERE: I AM a person he is falling in love with and could love.. however, the fact I am not developed much, as a person, means he has not yet seen all of the true me. I know he loves or deaply likes me enough, to fall in deaper love with me. I just have had issues hindering me, from actually BEING my FULL, whole, self yet. I have shown layers of kmyself, but I still have a bit of growing to do, for my boyfriend, and ANY one around me, to fully get to know who I really am. I am going to see how he feels about me, as I am bettering myself and diging myself out of the hole I was in. I am going to see, when I grow more as aperson, if his love for me will deapen or develope. to be honest - he has not seen who i can truly be, because I have been CLOUDED with issues, due to my past. Without the issues, I am pbviously a better person, and am my true self, withou tbeing hindered by the past.
Author Leigh 87 Posted February 20, 2012 Author Posted February 20, 2012 hmm. Basically, we are at a point, wher we are VERY close. VERY close.. and he loves having me around, sexually and emotionally... Obviously, we are not at the stage where it is set in stone: he loves me on SOME level, even if it is not the burning, aching, head over heals love yet. After all, I have been through things in life that has severely hindered my development. I believe there is a chance, that when he sees me as the WHOLE person I am, opposed to the layers I have shown, he will truly k nwo me, and in turn, LOVE me wholy. It is not clear that we are at the stage of having a future yet; we both now we arento averse to it, and want to continue being close for now, and see where it goes. Well, that is my conclusion to this THREAD: see where it goes, as we DO both love seeing each other still, and ar enot against a future. I will see him and see where it goes. If we are solid and want a future together and there is no doubt, I will broach the topic again. MY NEXT DILEMA would be, I guess: until we get super serious, why NOT let him f*ck other girls? When he is in the stage of deciding if he wants a full on future with me, should I let him f*ck others? I have no issue it being hookers, but I would not want him to with other girls. However, I want him to TELL ME if he has strong urges to with other girls. His answeer would be telling..
Author Leigh 87 Posted February 20, 2012 Author Posted February 20, 2012 Thanks for helping me reach my conclusion:) I am going to not take the relationship so seriously, even though we both are very close and see a possible future together. AT this stage, BOTH OF US truly believe he can be in love, propper, true love with me, be crazy about me; while still having casual sex. I am going to see if this changes, the more he likes me. I still do not subscribe to he notion, that if a guy is truly into you and loves you, he WILL NOT EVER desire sex from other women again.... I DO think SOME guys think that way, but I am not sure if ALL men think that way; that being truly in love, = losing all desire to sleep with other women, on a purely sexual basis. For the time being, I will nto consider letting him f*ck around, until I am sure of his feelings for me, and we want to build a future together. Untul then, it is probably too fragile to consider such ideas involving other women. I am still nto against rthe idea, and I STILL think it is ideal for some men: however, before I consider letting him try it: - I need to be very happy and content with myself, who I am, where my life is going... - we have to really be head over heals, so elated and wonderfuly happy together, and definately want an immediate future.
CarrieT Posted February 20, 2012 Posted February 20, 2012 But it really isn't just a new vagina from time to time. Men don't have sex with just vaginas. There's flesh, a body type, a smell, sex noises, hair, ways of being held and touched, a breathing rhythm, a way of kissing, a voice, a personality, and just a lot of uniqueness that goes with the vagina. Read this, Leigh. Read it again. Even with a hooker, a guy is more into just getting to the vagina to culminate the act. You are so horrifically misguided that it boggles the mind. I can't believe you are even contemplating this in the fashion you have described. 25 years ago, my now ExHusband and I tried to have an open marriage. Many of the ground rules were the same about honesty and openness, but I can tell you that unless you are hard-wired towards polyamory (as I believe many are for RELATIONSHIP purposes), justifying an open relationship just for sex rarely, RARELY works. I have known lots and lots and LOTS of people who have tried to have open relationships. Heck, I've slept with a lot of them. In my experience, it always ends up with ruined relationships. The only ones that I have seen work were full-on, polyamorous couples - meaning, two couples who lived together as a family; four people in one household. There are some men who can have sex without emotional attachments, but most cannot. I personally think you are seriously whacked in the head for trying to introduce this into your relationships considering all of your past posts. You are not in a stable relationship because you - yourself - are not a stable person. I'm sorry if that is harsh, but I believe you have so much work to do on yourself and to introduce this idea into your relationship is a recipe for disaster. But don't worry - Loveshack and all us here will still be here to help pick up the pieces and help you through it... 2
Recommended Posts