appletini Posted February 20, 2012 Posted February 20, 2012 (edited) Sparknotes version is just that I'm trying to figure out if it's appropriate to rely on my ex for comfort after another ex recently passed away. The shock of the tragedy is wearing off, and I can feel myself slipping into depression (yes, I am also seeking professional help). Here is the story: After a painful breakup with an ex of 1.5 years, last fall I began dating a friend who I had known for a year and who had (apparently) had his eye on me for awhile but wanted to respect my relationship at the time. We became close quickly and the relationship moved into label-ready steady within two months. We had some rocky moments, and I went through a lot of self-doubt (and fears that I was rebounding, which I didn't want to do with someone as sweet and caring as this guy). Ultimately, it became clear that this new relationship wasn't going to work out, at least not for the short term. We both sincerely wanted to stay friends. I just didn't want to hurt him by not being able to give him 100%, and in turn, I didn't want to keep getting hurt by the fact that his schedule did not permit much time for us to be alone together. He died a few weeks later (suddenly, unknown cause). I cannot underscore the grief, guilt, and agony I've experienced over this, particularly because he was such a tremendously good person and cared deeply for me. I really just wasn't ready for him, and maybe vice versa. Because via social media I had an indication that my prior ex had moved on from our relationship (he was more the initiator although had a very difficult time with it), I felt that this was the time that I could make amends for the things I did wrong in that relationship. I was still grappling with a few, and I couldn't bear the thought that something could happen to him, too, with those words unsaid. So I emailed him, and he emailed back and we met up. I didn't tell him it was an ex who died, but rather a "close friend" - which was true. He ended up confessing how much he still loved me, that he was second-guessing the breakup, and that it was so difficult for him to maintain a platonic friendship with me because he didn't think of me "that way". I was so shell-shocked by the tragedy that this went in one ear and out the other, until over the past few days I'm realizing that I can't handle his disappearance, too. I tried to act like I was fine when I saw him, but the reality is I am not fine at all. I need someone who loves me the way he does to be there and make me not feel like the whole world is going to end. Still, I told him I'd respect his space and give him more time. We agreed that we would continue to be there for each other in the event of an emergency (which was laughable since what happened felt like an emergency to me and I couldn't convey that). So what now? Is it selfish to need him to be there for me now? I should add that I do NOT want to pursue a romantic relationship with him (or, honestly, with anybody). I just want the depth of that sort of caring, as my friends seem to be slowly disappearing out of awkwardness. Edited February 20, 2012 by appletini
wilsonx Posted February 20, 2012 Posted February 20, 2012 Im excited for this thread and the future responses people put here. I want to see everyone's opinion on this before we let nature take its course! I wont give the cliff notes version to people looking for the end of the story!
Author appletini Posted February 20, 2012 Author Posted February 20, 2012 (edited) I'm sorry but I don't know how to interpret that response, which sounded like you were rolling up your sleeves for some juicy gossip. I am in a lot of pain. Please understand that this is not a "can-I-use-this-to-get-my-ex-back" scenario. Furthermore, I need to also underscore that I was no longer romantically involved with the man who passed. Rather, we had a close friendship planned and it is one that will never come to fruition. Finally, I want to say that the reason I had emailed in the first place was to find closure and express my appreciation for that prior relationship - not to restart the friendship, and certainly not to rekindle the romantic relationship. It's only now that I am in crisis and wondering what the ramifications are for asking for his friendship now, too. Edited February 20, 2012 by appletini
wilsonx Posted February 20, 2012 Posted February 20, 2012 I'm sorry but I don't know how to interpret that response, which sounded like you were rolling up your sleeves for some juicy gossip. I am in a lot of pain. Please understand that this is not a "can-I-use-this-to-get-my-ex-back" scenario. Furthermore, I need to also underscore that I was no longer romantically involved with the man who passed. Rather, we had a close friendship planned and it is one that will never come to fruition. Finally, I want to say that the reason I had emailed in the first place was to find closure and express my appreciation for that prior relationship - not to restart the friendship, and certainly not to rekindle the romantic relationship. It's only now that I am in crisis and wondering what the ramifications are for asking for his friendship now, too. I know all of this, and I understand your pain for the loss. It wasn't gossip, it was curiosity. You are not going to agree or like my advice as it will cause more internal conflict so I am not going to offer it
NopeNah Posted February 20, 2012 Posted February 20, 2012 I wouldn't use this guy. He said he's still into you and you're saying you don't want that. Let him live his life in peace without false hope.
Author appletini Posted February 20, 2012 Author Posted February 20, 2012 (edited) Fair enough, Praying, and thank you. It's something I wanted so badly for months, but now everything has changed. Wilsonx, I do want your advice. If it helps, I am leaning toward not contacting him again and finding a way to cope on my own. The point of posting here is to get impartial advice from people who don't know me... many of my friends (who are unfortunately not physically here with me themselves) are urging me to contact him, but I have doubts about that. So long story short, please do give me advice but be sensitive to my grief. That's all. Edited February 20, 2012 by appletini
shayla Posted February 20, 2012 Posted February 20, 2012 I am so sorry for your loss. The passing of someone that is close to you can change a persons entire perspective on life, on what is important, everything. Tomorrow is never promised, and I can understand why you would want to connect with your ex and tell him the things that you had not said. It's possible that he is having a moment of his own, and is trying to do the same. If it were me, once you had the talk and everything that needed to be said was brought into the open, I'd wish him well and let him go. The emotions that can come from this can be misunderstood on both your parts and could cause alot more pain down the road.
Author appletini Posted February 20, 2012 Author Posted February 20, 2012 Thank you, Shayla. I think you are probably right. I received the love and acceptance from him that I needed, and now maybe it is time to let him go and heal on his own.
CaliBabe Posted February 20, 2012 Posted February 20, 2012 I think you are going through a whole wave of emotions and dealing with the reconnection of the ex might not be a good time as of right now. You are looking for that emotional connection, that care, yet you don't want a romantic relationship with you. He does. That is not fair to him. I personally, would take this time to grieve. Rediscover your life with these new changes and once healed, which might take some time, I would revisit the situation with the ex. He clearly wants to be with you, if you do not want that I would not lead him on. Take this time for yourself.
Author appletini Posted February 20, 2012 Author Posted February 20, 2012 I think you are going through a whole wave of emotions and dealing with the reconnection of the ex might not be a good time as of right now. You are looking for that emotional connection, that care, yet you don't want a romantic relationship with you. He does. That is not fair to him. I personally, would take this time to grieve. Rediscover your life with these new changes and once healed, which might take some time, I would revisit the situation with the ex. He clearly wants to be with you, if you do not want that I would not lead him on. Take this time for yourself. I think I may have misconstrued this a little, sorry. He expressed that on an intellectual level, he does not want to be with me again, because he knows that we broke up for good reasons and those will never change. So he is not asking to get back together. He just is saying that he will always have those feelings and is having a hard time transitioning into friendship. At the end of the day, that all might be pretty much the same thing and I hear what you are saying... but just clarifying that I am not giving him false hope by being in touch.
CaliBabe Posted February 20, 2012 Posted February 20, 2012 Ahh, I see. Thought he was trying to reconcile. Then there certainly isn't anything at all wrong with being friends. If there is a mutual understanding, and there are no pesky feelings getting involved, then I say go for it. Times of grief are when you want the comforting people the most.
Frank13 Posted February 21, 2012 Posted February 21, 2012 I wouldn't use this guy. He said he's still into you and you're saying you don't want that. Let him live his life in peace without false hope. I agree with this 100%.
Graceful Posted February 21, 2012 Posted February 21, 2012 Still, I told him I'd respect his space and give him more time. We agreed that we would continue to be there for each other in the event of an emergency (which was laughable since what happened felt like an emergency to me and I couldn't convey that). So what now? Is it selfish to need him to be there for me now? I should add that I do NOT want to pursue a romantic relationship with him (or, honestly, with anybody). I just want the depth of that sort of caring, as my friends seem to be slowly disappearing out of awkwardness. Why ask a bunch of strangers on the internet what to do, when it seems you already know the right thing to do. Is it selfish? You already know the answer to your own question, you really do. Stand on your own two feet. Now's the time, more than ever, for you to do that, and show yourself what you're made of, and sort yourself out. We can't tell you anything you don't already know, now can we? You have a good head on your shoulders. Use it. And I am also very sorry for the loss of the lovely guy that touched your life for the time he did. Time and reflection will set you at peace; this should be your priority. Perhaps, seek the help of a grief counselor for a while, to help you through this difficult and heartbreaking experience. Take care.
Author appletini Posted February 21, 2012 Author Posted February 21, 2012 Thanks Graceful and Frank - your advice has been heard and I am going ahead and doing the right thing. To answer your question (which may have been rhetorical...) about asking strangers for advice when I already know the answer... the trouble is that, when the people who care about you urge you to do otherwise, you start to question what you "know" and that's when you need a stranger to put you back on course.
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