smoke_n_mirrors Posted February 19, 2012 Posted February 19, 2012 Hello. I'd like to begin my post with just stating that I'm new to this, to dating (kinda) and that I appreciate your time and opinions. I'm in my lower 20s and was dating a person in his mid 20s. We met online. At first, I wasn't very keen on him but was interested enough to give it a shot. He told me he was looking for something to settle down into and was sick of flings. He pursued me heavily and wanted to see me all the time. Needless to say, after many consecutive hang outs in a small space of time, I got to know him and did sleep with him. I guess I can claim this as my fault and my mistake. I've learned that the chase is an important element :/ However, after the initial 'sleep over', he still pursued me, had me involved in his life, introduced me to friends, and told me quite a lot about him. The last time we hung out there was no sex but we celebrated my good news over wine and a fruit plate. I thought everything was great! Two weeks passed and I didn't hear anything from him at all, which was unusual. However, I somehow got the sense that something wasn't right. At first I credited it to him being very busy but my gut soon said otherwise. He really vanished. I contacted him, via text, about what was up and asked if he had lost interest or met someone else. He responded a day later with a a frowny smiley and the words 'you're correct'. That's all I got. I didn't know what to say. Needless to say, it's a month later and I don't feel like I got any closure. I don't want him back because honestly a lot of red flags came up during our time together that I find inexcusable. It's for the best, of course, but I just feel so disrespected. I think I deserve more of an explanation but I KNOW I will never get one. It just hurts that all I was worth was a ' you're correct'. Not to be crude, but WTF is that? He sucked me into his life and then spit me right back out without letting me know. However, I'd like to let him know how I feel and how disrespectful this kind of was. I feel like he got off way too easy and I feel like I didn't get a say in it at all. To help me deal I wrote a letter. It's short, it's to the point and it doesn't ask for a response or to reconnect because I don't want one/want to. We live fairly close to each other and I haven't seen him yet and will be ok if I ever do or don't. I believe I deserve better but I really am having trouble moving on without just giving my final say and purging it all out of my system. It's really just for me. Should I send my letter? Any similar experiences? Much love
Aqua066 Posted February 19, 2012 Posted February 19, 2012 Don't send this guy anything! Don't give him the satisfaction that he had any effect on you. He deserves nothing from you... I know it sucks and you want answers but honestly you're never going to get the answers you want from him. If he even responds at all it will be a lie or something vague and it will only keep this going (you still thinking about him). Cut your loses. You're better than this guy... keep saying that to yourself. Time and keeping yourself busy will heal all. Good luck Aqua
redhighheels Posted February 19, 2012 Posted February 19, 2012 Do not send anything. Delete his number, delete him from facebook, delete whatever trace of him from your life. There is no closure he can give you. For whatever reason, he doesn't want to continue dating and you don't seem too brokenhearted about it, so it all works out (it would truly suck if you were genuinly in love with him!). He's already shown you his a*shole colors by pulling the disappearing act and answering your question in such a childish way. He's not worth your time and energy. Continuing to contact him in any way will only give him an ego boost. He's done it before, he'll do it again..this is who he is and you're not the one to show him the light. Keep your dignity. In the future, beware of this type of guys that come on strong in the beginning, they're the ones most likely to pull something like this. Take comfort in the fact that one day he'll casually hit you up, asking how you've been and trying to sneak his way back into your life. They always do. And when that time comes, remember this moment right now and tell him to go eat sh*t. 1
johan Posted February 19, 2012 Posted February 19, 2012 Unload on him. It isn't very often you run across someone who so clearly deserves it, and he can't really say anything to defend himself. It won't teach him any lessons or fix what happened. But you might as well take the opportunity to blow off some steam. He's now in a small group of people in the world who you can truly write off, meaning it doesn't much matter how you act. There is really no need to be strategic about it.
esteem-jam Posted February 19, 2012 Posted February 19, 2012 I say do send it. Seems it was his plan from the start? Or he really met another girl which suits him better, now he settles? Who knows. But if it was all acting, do send the letter, say what a jerk he is, fire back, that will teach him a (small) lesson, and he is less likely to pull this trick on other girl.
Sugarkane Posted February 19, 2012 Posted February 19, 2012 It's odd that everyone one here is saying to send it. No one said that to me. He is a complete coward abd deserves to be screwed over by someone.
yolatanga Posted February 20, 2012 Posted February 20, 2012 Trust me, don't do it. I did and got nothing in return but ignored. Now I feel like an idiot because the guy I dated for over 6 mos (we broke up and stayed close friends or so I thought) just up and disappeared during the holidays no less. He's not spoken to me since Dec. I had no idea he was ignoring me. That's how clueless I was. Wish I knew why. A few weeks ago he sat two seats away from me and did not even acknowledge my presence and this putz is 44. Really upsets me, but thankfully I pretended not to care. Now he's on match.com checking out my profile more than once. Why?
Author smoke_n_mirrors Posted February 21, 2012 Author Posted February 21, 2012 Hi everyone- Thanks so much for your input. I really appreciate it! Aqua066- Thanks so much for the advice. I am better, and I know this. It's just this lingering desire to have the last word and to tell him straight up how much he messed up. But you have a point- I shouldn't let him know he affected me in any way. Redhighheels- He's pretty much deleted off of everything. No more number, no pictures, no emails, nothing. We never added each other on facebook as he stated he used a fake name or something. And you're right, it is about my dignity. However, I don't want closure from him, I just want closure for me. You're right though, I should be the bigger person (as I have been) and just forget about it. I wasn't his 'exception' and trust me, if he ever does contact me I'll tell to eat more than just that haha! johan- Another good point! I really shouldn't worry as I will never see him (hopefully) again nor want any further relations with him on any spectrum. I mean, the letter isn't me going off on him, it's more like 'dude, you f**ked up and might want to look into growing out of being a coward'. esteem-jam- Exactly. Who knows what happened? I don't and I figure I never will and that's ok. However, a good point someone else brought up was whether it will teach him anything. Redhighheels stated that I'm not the one to show him the light, and I kinda believe that. I would love to teach him a lesson or have a sit down chat with him over just talking to thin air. Hopefully he does learn his lesson. Sugarkane- I agree. He deserves all the karma that is coming his way! Why did people tell you not to send it? What did you end up doing, if you don't mind sharing? yolatanga- I am so sorry you are going through something similar. It's really unpleasant. It's also a little weird that he seems to be 'keeping tabs' on your dating profile. Honestly, I wouldn't waste my time with him or his games. He's not worth your time, effort or even brain power when you're thinking about him. Let him creep on your profile! Show off how cool, calm and collected you are without him! You're fun, you're put together and you're enjoying life! Leave him in the dust of his own creepiness. He's probably dying for you to contact him to give him an ego boost, like a previous poster said. If he creeps you out enough, I'm pretty sure you can block him on the site and I believe you should! Keep that negativity out! Thanks everyone. I'm still trying to figure it out. One moment I'm gung-ho about letting him have it, and then I realize how not worth it is. He really doesn't deserve anything from me. Like I said, he really f**ked up. If things work out for him in the future, great, good for him, but if they don't, too bad. Not my concern. I have bigger fish to fry
lilyblue Posted February 21, 2012 Posted February 21, 2012 I go through exactly the same thing as you. My ex also vanished, although from the sounds of it I was a little more attached to him (we had been friends for years). After pursuing me for months, he never told me our relationship was ending, just went back to his ex and ignored me. I found out through fb. It's been almost 5 months since the last time I heard from him and I still fight the urge to just tell him one more thing. I feel like I didn't get closure and often wonder if getting it off my chest would be helpful for me. Then sometimes I'm glad I haven't said anything. It overall doesn't seem to be getting much easier for me though, so I wonder if just going ahead and doing it would be helpful. Good luck in your decision, I think there are pros and cons either way. And I guess you don't know which side is stronger unless you actually do it. It is a completely crappy situation to be in though. I still can't believe people can do this to other people.
Author smoke_n_mirrors Posted February 24, 2012 Author Posted February 24, 2012 Hey lilyblue, I'm sorry you're going through something similar. it does suck! And I too can't believe people think that is an appropriate or respectful response. it causes so much more pain and confusion. completely unnecessary! Well, I decided not to send anything. I'm glad I didn't. I just needed some time and patience and realized my dignity and self worth were so much more important. however, sometimes when I'm sad or have been thinking too much while driving i end up driving by his street. unfortunately, he's situated on a route i use every other day. but i know that over time this too shall pass and hopefully he'll be nothing but a memory. But overall I'm glad I didnt send anything, he's not worth any validation or effort. Thanks again to all of you!
2sunny Posted February 24, 2012 Posted February 24, 2012 He gave you his answer - so YOU do have the closure you need. He's a dork.
Sugarkane Posted February 25, 2012 Posted February 25, 2012 I hope that this coward gets screwed over by someone. If he does I'll get a bottle of Moet out. 1
yolatanga Posted February 25, 2012 Posted February 25, 2012 Hey lilyblue, I'm sorry you're going through something similar. it does suck! And I too can't believe people think that is an appropriate or respectful response. it causes so much more pain and confusion. completely unnecessary! Well, I decided not to send anything. I'm glad I didn't. I just needed some time and patience and realized my dignity and self worth were so much more important. however, sometimes when I'm sad or have been thinking too much while driving i end up driving by his street. unfortunately, he's situated on a route i use every other day. but i know that over time this too shall pass and hopefully he'll be nothing but a memory. But overall I'm glad I didnt send anything, he's not worth any validation or effort. Thanks again to all of you! Good for you. Time is needed for sure. I'm constantly reminded of my ex or whatever he was on a daily basis. Especially now on match. He's not checked out my profile since. We keep getting matched. We really do have a lot in common. Oh well, his loss.
Kamila Posted February 25, 2012 Posted February 25, 2012 I'm so sorry you have to go through this. I don't think you should send him anything. He's not chasing you anymore. He had what he wanted and doesn't want it anymore. So he moves on to the next thrill. Typical. If you want to hear how my douchebaggery ex-bf went about it: A week after we argued (so called our break-up fight), he dated another girl he meet online and told that to me straight in my face. Your ex was like mine, coming on so strong, you couldn't believe it. Telling me how I was the one, wanted to marry me, settle down, basically everything you want to hear. After the break-up, he chased me a bit, with like 'hey, how you're doing...'. But I didn't buy it anymore. Once a guy goes hunting somewhere else, that's it for me ! Don't need to pull that trick twice on me ! If you were faithful to him, what made him go searching somewhere else ? That smells like 'i don't know what i want' and 'insecurities unresolved'. Just let him be. Learn from this experience. Just don't forget when he comes back knocking on your door that he sent you this cold message 'you're correct'. He didn't have the balls to talk to you face to face but did this disappearing act. It's cowardly and insensitive from his part. You're worth so much more than that. Don't waste your life on this guy. 1
Author smoke_n_mirrors Posted February 27, 2012 Author Posted February 27, 2012 He gave you his answer - so YOU do have the closure you need. You're so right. I have to stop reading into 'what ifs' and meanings that aren't there. I just have to work with the truth of the situation and what happened. He gave me his answer, now I just have to let go and move on.
Author smoke_n_mirrors Posted February 27, 2012 Author Posted February 27, 2012 Thanks again to all of you. I'm surprised how much this has bothered me of late. You would think he actually meant something to me ......HAH. Well, I have weird dreams lately, and I get this overwhelming panic when I'm out walking or driving that I'll see him. Perhaps it's anxiety. I don't know what that is, I never had it, but I do get anxious. One day at a time. On the plus side, I'm supposed to be getting drinks with someone new. Hopefully it goes well I've learned my lessons.
SincereOnlineGuy Posted February 28, 2012 Posted February 28, 2012 Do I send my letter to a Vanishing Act? I'm confused... If smoke_n_mirrors sends a letter to a Vanishing Act... does anybody ever see such a letter? Or is it an illusion?
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