renata Posted February 19, 2012 Posted February 19, 2012 (edited) My fiance went on a long weekend trip to another city with his friend Jack, and my friend Sasha's fiance Greg. This trip was supposed to be some kind of pseudo-bachelor party trip that Jack planned. Both my fiance and Greg are having their own "real" bachelor parties that Jack is invited to, so I have no idea why Greg needed to make this about that. Greg called Sasha at 1am their first night there and talked to her for an hour. He was drunk, and he told her that they had had dinner and drinks with two or three other women that Greg met that same night (so I'd say a safe translation is that they all met these women that night and invited them to dinner). My fiance never told me about this, and I didn't hear it from Sasha until yesterday afternoon when she and I were hanging out. A lie by omission. I sent him a text flat out asking who he was hanging out with and what he's been up to on his trip. He ignored me, but apparently started trash talking me to the other two guys, because Greg started texting Sasha about the situation. After an hour my fiance finally responded to me, but only said "Who do you think" and sent several texts asking why I was being such a jerk, why was I being mean to him, that Greg and Jack thought I was being mean for no reason. I replied that getting dinner and drinks with other women and not telling me wasn't OK, and asking for honesty wasn't being mean. He sent a bunch of texts telling me I was crazy, maybe we aren't right for each other, etc. Then followed up with a bunch of "I love yous" let's try to work this out on Sunday. We talked for a minute on the phone this morning before he hung up on me. He basically said that I'm crazy and making this entire thing up, because dinner/drinks with other women never happened and Greg never told Sasha anything. I have no idea what to do or how to handle this. I'm angry about the whole thing, I feel like I look like an *******, and I'm devastated by my fiance's response. I can't afford to stay in a hotel, and I don't want to involve my friends by asking them for a place to stay. My fiance will be home tonight and I don't know what to do. Edited February 19, 2012 by renata
Lauriebell82 Posted February 19, 2012 Posted February 19, 2012 Well, you are going to have to talk to him about it. He's contradicting himself, but give himself a chance to tell you the truth about what happened. Make sure you LET him have a chance to talk though and don't automatically flip out and start screaming, otherwise he will shut down on you and continue to lie. I suspect that he is not going to be willing to tell you anything about it if he feels you are just going to freak out on him. You need to remain calm as hard as it will be and get to the bottom of this.
Author renata Posted February 19, 2012 Author Posted February 19, 2012 (edited) Well, you are going to have to talk to him about it. He's contradicting himself, but give himself a chance to tell you the truth about what happened. Make sure you LET him have a chance to talk though and don't automatically flip out and start screaming, otherwise he will shut down on you and continue to lie. I suspect that he is not going to be willing to tell you anything about it if he feels you are just going to freak out on him. You need to remain calm as hard as it will be and get to the bottom of this. So far I am the one who is being calm (texts and phone call), and he is the one doing the overreacting, flipping out and yelling. On the phone I asked him what he did Friday night; he evaded the question twice. The third time I (still calmly) asked him what he did he screamed "hung out in the city, what do you think"....and I asked "Who did you hang out with" and he screamed some more about how I'm being crazy. I don't think I'm going to get any information out of him about what happened. His story is that I'm crazy and making the whole thing up, and he's sticking to it. Edited February 19, 2012 by renata
Author renata Posted February 19, 2012 Author Posted February 19, 2012 I think the "best" possible outcome is that for some strange reason Sasha lied to me, but even if that was the case, my fiance's reaction is pretty ridiculous...especially if he is innocent.
whichwayisup Posted February 19, 2012 Posted February 19, 2012 if he just got together with a bunch of women with his guy friends and nothing happened, that's one thing - Own it and admit it. Sure you're gonna be pissed off but you trust him. But, his behaviour and denying everything, acting like a goof and saying mean things to you (you're crazy etc) just shows that he is immature and maybe something DID happen (flirting, touching etc, if it was strippers) and is hiding it all from you. Either way, you need to talk to him and call him out on his sh.itty behaviour and think about putting the wedding on hold. He sounds young and immature, easily swayed by his buddies.
Author renata Posted February 19, 2012 Author Posted February 19, 2012 (edited) I agree with what everyone's saying, except for the part about my fiance being the ringleader. It's possible I guess, but knowing Jack (and my fiance) it's much more plausible that Jack involved the other women and my fiance went along with it. I spoke to Sasha today and I know that Greg is in for it tonight when he gets home. She is going to tell Greg he needs to go to counseling with her and suggested we try the same. I just don't know how that would help us, since in her case her fiance did something to piss her off, but he told her about it; mine is still denying. My fiance's bizarre behavior continues this afternoon - he sent me a text that said "I miss you" and then "..." when I ignored it. Then he wanted to know if we're going to hang out tonight. I don't get what he's doing - first the denying and verbal abuse and attacks, to "I'm disappointed in you" to this...which seems to be basically ignoring that anything ever even happened. Does he think that he's scared me into not wanting to rock the boat by saying we're not right for each other or something? Also, since to this point my only source of "plausible" information is from Sasha via Greg, and since Greg knows that my fiance is in trouble with me...I'm concerned that Jack, Greg and my fiance are using their ride home to work on getting their story straight, and that neither Sasha nor myself will get anymore real information about the weekend. Even if Greg fesses up to Sasha, she may not tell me at this point, if getting Greg to talk means promising she won't spill the beans on my fiance to me. Edited February 19, 2012 by renata
Orianne Posted February 19, 2012 Posted February 19, 2012 The fact that he immediately got defensive instead of trying to explain himself does indicate dishonestly. While I agree with some of the other posters about giving him a chance to explain himself when he gets home. I also think you should really think about whether or not you want to marry this guy, because there are several red flags here--hanging out with other women, lying, trash talking about you, and the fact that he already seems unsure about you. It almost sounds like the precursors to cheating.
Lauriebell82 Posted February 20, 2012 Posted February 20, 2012 Well Greg is the one who told Sasha about this..so what I DON'T get is why he would throw his buddy (and himself for that matter) under the bus. While I applaud his honesty, I also thinks it's a little suspicious. He obviously knew Sasha was going to tel you, so that's like him basically telling you what his buddy was doing behind your back...almost like backstabbing him and purposely ruining his relationship. That's a little fishy to me. Now your fiance's reaction suggests some guilt also. I think the 4 of you should all sit down and discuss what happened here. It sounds like a really weird situation.
2sunny Posted February 20, 2012 Posted February 20, 2012 Since this IS the way he deals with you questioning him (rightly so, given the evidence) - I'd have a hard time dating him for one more minute. I was married to someone like him - there's nothing loving about him being abusive to you. It emotional abuse. It's designed to throw you off balance and question yourself. No way is HIS reaction decent.
2sunny Posted February 20, 2012 Posted February 20, 2012 He wasn't honest.in fact, so dishonest he wouldn't answer - then turned to angry outburts - that he turned around onto her. That is jus sooooowrong on every level. His disrespect is enough for me to decide NEVER to take a call from him ever again!
Lauriebell82 Posted February 20, 2012 Posted February 20, 2012 Also, since to this point my only source of "plausible" information is from Sasha via Greg, and since Greg knows that my fiance is in trouble with me...I'm concerned that Jack, Greg and my fiance are using their ride home to work on getting their story straight, and that neither Sasha nor myself will get anymore real information about the weekend. Even if Greg fesses up to Sasha, she may not tell me at this point, if getting Greg to talk means promising she won't spill the beans on my fiance to me. Didn't Greg ALREADY spill the beans? Greg says it happened, your fiance said it didn't. So who is lying here?
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