sweetadeline Posted June 4, 2004 Posted June 4, 2004 Hi all, I'm back looking for input, but will try to keep this message brief. At the beginning of April, I was dumped after a short but serious relationship. The guy told me that he needed some time alone and that he would call me in a week. About ten days later, he e-mailed to suggest getting together, and I said that I'd be willing to do so depending on the goal of the conversation. He never responded. A few weeks later, I e-mailed him to say that I'd realized that I didn't like the way I was acting toward the end of our relationship and had come up with some strategies to avoid such behavior in the future if he were willing to try again. No response. So finally, in mid-May, I returned the one item of his that I still had, along with a letter acknowledging the ways in which I had pushed him away but also suggesting some things that I thought he could have handled differently. I made it clear that I expected no response and that I understood that we were both moving on. Last week, he e-mailed me. He apologized for not having been in contact, saying that he'd been having a difficult time since our breakup and had been using his busy life as an excuse to avoid sorting out all of his thoughts and emotions. He said he was still working on doing so, but in the meantime wanted to write a short note to thank me for what he called my kind letter. Then he ended with, "maybe we could have lunch sometime soon." So, I'm confused. He's opened some sort of door, but I'm not sure how open it really is, or whether a giant, heart-eating alligator is lurking behind it. But whenever I think about just closing the door (not writing back, or not seeing him), I feel as though I'll regret it. Any thoughts from any of you? I'm not in a big hurry to write back to him, considering, but would like some feedback before I do. If I do.
azgirl Posted June 4, 2004 Posted June 4, 2004 What does your heart tell you to do?? I sense that you don't trust him. Do you think you ever could again?
Author sweetadeline Posted June 5, 2004 Author Posted June 5, 2004 Hi azgirl, Well, you just nailed the key issue: trust. And the problem is that I don't even trust his motives in writing me this e-mail. It would be nice to think that he misses me and wants to talk through some things. But I'm also hurt/jaded enough to think that his e-mail might be part of a larger pattern--seeking closeness, creating distance, and then seeking closeness again--that characterized our relationship--in which case, I should run, not walk, far away before I get sucked back in. That's why I posted here. I'm having trouble reading this situation b/c I'm too close to it. I'm hoping others might be able to help me analyze it more objectively. Anyway, azgirl, I've been reading your posts, and I'm glad to see that things are looking up for you! Hang in there--regardless of what happens w/your guy, it sounds as if you're pretty aware of your own worth, which is the most important thing anyway.
DerangedAngel Posted June 5, 2004 Posted June 5, 2004 If I were you, I wouldn't even reply to his email. You've said everything you needed to say. You've apologized. You've suggested things you could do differently, and hinted at trying again. You've sent him a final letter. You've returned his belongings. He hasn't been man enough to give you the kind of closure it seems that you needed. He didn't call you like he said he would. He even dangled a meeting in front of you, and took it away. There might not be a giant, heart-eating alligator behind this door, but it definitely isn't wide open. However, if you feel you need to respond, thank him for finally getting around to replying to your emails/letter, but let him know you've moved on with your life and you feel it would be best if you didn't make any plans to meet up, or to try again. Don't put yourself in a situation that will likely end in heartache. Good luck to you. -Deranged
CurlyIam Posted June 5, 2004 Posted June 5, 2004 Hey, Adeline I don't have an answer for your question. All I can do is confirm you Deranged hunt: he's quite self centered, concerned about himself type of guy. I stillthink he doesn't know what he wants. I mean just try to look at it this way: so you broke up, returned stuff, good bye letters etc. He doens't confront the situation, chooses to run away from it, takes his time, and then, he does what? Think about himself again and gets in contact with you. In my opinion this is a BIG decision: when contaction your ex after a serious relationship and no "contact rule" respected, you either: A. communicate him you forgave him or on contrary, that you didn't forgive him, etc anyway, get something close to a closure B. go back to him. I find it very hard to believ there is an inbetween! When a man wants a woman he goes after her. I am so sure that should you answer his mail, he'll sooo back off! He still is confused! I doubt you need any more confusion in his life, as in my opinion you are quite confused yourself. Write him an "good bye" only if you are 100% that's what you want. Regrets are hard to live with. In my opinion just don't answer. It'll give him and yourself some time to think! Just take your time and do exactly what you feel like, no doubts, no worries! Love has nothing in common with those! You'll find out what you want in due time!
beautiful Posted June 5, 2004 Posted June 5, 2004 Why is it that gurls feel they did something wrong and actually apologize for something that wasen't their fault in the first place? Why is it that gurls give men such stupid power over them? Dump this looser and move on! If you can't than you need serious help. This guy has manipulated you and ignored you can't you see that? I know it is not easy for you being directly involved but I am looking from the outside in. He already knows by your behavior (aka taking blame., writing to him , running after him) that he has you right where he wants you. This man has no respect for you and he sure does not love you. Now love and respect yourself enough to take care of you and move on. There arehealthy people out there that have healthy relationships, you don't have that with this lil boy! Be a woman and stand on yourown 2 feet and stop allowing men to walk all over you! You special and you deserve more! People will treat you the way you allow them to treat you and they loose respect for you.
CurlyIam Posted June 5, 2004 Posted June 5, 2004 Beautiful, I respect the things you talked about in your thread! ! It's alway indicated to have a spine and I am 100% for standing up for yourself in a relationship. I also want to draw your attention on another aspect: pride. People make stupid mistakes. Act upon their fears, do and say things they don't mean. If I agree to "actions speaking louder than words", stumbeling upon things or actions is wrong. Doing things out of pride I believe is wrong. Living up clear and unbending rules in my opinion is the sure way to heartache! Only she is can say things about him, his behaviour, etc. I think it is very dangerous to show "the rule" and then tell people to live by them. The difference between: "I'm not taking this crap from you, you little miserable selfish...." (pride) and "You are terribly hurting me, this is affecting our relationship, change for things to go well between us" (understanding, communication and compromise, despite actions) In the end, it's not about actions at all. It's about the right person. I believe if I'd find a man to understand, love, accept me and be compatible with, I'd be forgive more easily, I'd be looking at things past his behaviour, I'd be more inclined to compromise. Inclined, not do! Do you honestely think this is "giving men power over me"? That's such a stereotype!In a relationship there are 2 persons. Both of them have equal power and have to work just as hard to keep things going! I'm sorry, to me leaving is the easiest way. Staying there and trying to make the other person and yourself happy, fighting for ths chance is the hard part. These are my 2 cents, anyway Curly
Author sweetadeline Posted June 5, 2004 Author Posted June 5, 2004 Hi all, Thanks for your feedback. This site rocks. Beautiful, I hear what you're saying. I have let him manipulate me to an extent. But I did stand up for myself in the relationship and afterwards. Even when I accepted responsibility (not quite the same as taking blame, in my opinion) for things I'd done to drive him off, I made it clear that I felt he needed to do the same. I never begged or groveled. Or even threw rotten eggs at his house (though I *did* think about it, ahem). CurlyIam, I'm with you: pride isn't always the best motto to live by. And reaching out to someone, trying to talk things through, sometimes takes as much inner strength and self-respect as walking away--if not more. Any human relationship takes work. The trick is to figure out when a relationship is worth fighting for and when it isn't. Anyway, it was really good to hear all of you confirm some of my worst thoughts about him: he's self-centered (only reaching out now b/c *he's* decided it's time) and likely to back off if I do respond to his "invitation" to have lunch. But Curly's right: regrets are tough to live with. So I think I'm just not going to answer for now. I do need the time to think. After a few more weeks have passed, I'll decide whether I still feel the urge to respond. Here's what I want to know: how come we don't see the worst side of someone until we're already in too deep?
DerangedAngel Posted June 5, 2004 Posted June 5, 2004 Here's what I want to know: how come we don't see the worst side of someone until we're already in too deep? Personally, I think it's because often times the worse side is not shown until you're "in too deep". -DA
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