rose45 Posted February 19, 2012 Posted February 19, 2012 Hi Everyone, I really need to vent and I need advice about my dating dilema. I met a guy from online who lives 3 hours from me. The date went pretty well. It takes me time to really like someone but I wasn't in a rush to leave so that's a good sign. We also kissed and they were good kisses. It felt like we both were attracted. He sent me flowers for V-day after one date. We had been talking for two weeks though. I felt it was reasonable given the distance, that it was my turn to visit him. I don't have my own place right now which may have to change if i keep seeing him..not sure how though. He also has a son. Things are civil with the mother but all this limits his time even more because he has to work around her schedule and has the son pretty often. It's nice but I am just saying it's hard to start something with all of this on top of distance. It's not like I can leave after work on a friday and be with him all weekend. He usually has him some part of the weekend. So I wake early to take my time getting ready and leave by 1pm to get to the train station, buy my ticket and board at 2. From there, it's a two hour train ride and then i have to transfer to another train and it's an hour on that train. I thought the second train ran often. I get there at 4, was told the next train is at 4:40 and I buy the ticket. 4:40 comes and nothing is posted. I waited til almost 5 and asked someone else and he said 6:00, 6:10 is the next train!! At that point, I felt upset. I didn't want to wait 2 hours for a train, to be on it for an hour and only have very little time with him..and then i would have to travel home (going home we planned that he would drive me to the next station so then my ride home is only 2 hours but still) He said i could stay over but I was not even ready for that in terms of not having clothes and just not being prepared for that tonight. I was on the train anyway and just wanted to go home at that point. He said the 2nd train ran every 20 minutes and when it didn't i just felt upset. I was almost crying for some reason. I got home around 7:30 and basically spent all this money and time today riding trains. I just wanted to lay down when I got home. I just feel torn because he seems like a nice guy and maybe i should be open minded for awhile. I obviously can't do this every weekened though. I am also 27 years old and don't want to waste my time. I'm thinking ahead only because he lives sort of far. I need to be near a city with job opportunity and I don't think where he is, there is much. If he is set on living in that area forever because of his son then I guess this is over. Just feel torn because probably other people work around this stuff all the time. I also haven't found anyone decent to date in forever.... help.
Yookie Posted February 19, 2012 Posted February 19, 2012 I think you have valid concerns about the logistics of being able to spend time with this guy. Focus your dating search on people who live closer to you.
Mr. Slim Posted February 20, 2012 Posted February 20, 2012 I think your concerns are valid too. A relatively measly 70 minute drive was enough for me to have to give up on a promising budding relationship. It's just too hard in the beginning of a relationship to deal with in addition to also needing to find out if there is anything there.
salparadise Posted February 20, 2012 Posted February 20, 2012 (edited) Well, if you've not grown attached and he's not raising your blood pressure to the point that you're willing to do whatever, then maybe just let it go. However, here's the other side of that coin. I tried pretty hard for about two years to find someone local I really liked and who felt the same about me. I finally found her but she lives 500 miles away, an eight hour drive. We both have daughters in high school and shared custody with our ex's, so there are other priorities for both of us. The logistics aren't easy, but we're both willing to do it because we value each other, and our relationship, a lot more than we dislike the distance. Obviously, I wouldn't do it if I didn't believe she's really special. I don't see people as being interchangeable and if I want her in my life, this is simply what is for the time being. Some people just can't deal with long-distance or children, and in that case it's best not to get something started that you know you can't sustain. But I feel blessed to have found this wonderful woman in particular, and will keep doing that drive once a month because the alternative is to cut her out of my life forever. She does it once a month as well and the other two weekends are spent with our children. It's working for us. Good luck with your situation––you ultimately have to just decide what's right for you. Edited February 20, 2012 by salparadise
TheFinalWord Posted February 20, 2012 Posted February 20, 2012 Distance is definitely a big barrier so don't feel bad for questioning it. You are just getting a taste of the frustrations that can arise. There's been a few women I was really interested in, but I've learned from experience that long distance is too much of a barrier for me right now. Time management with LDRs is already difficult enough for singles w/out kids...when you start adding other barriers like odd work hours, child custody schedules and the like it can add a lot of stress to an already difficult scenario. One thing I think that really helps is if you can see an end in sight. For example, you both know that in one year you will be together. In that scenario, the distance is temporary. If it's perceived as permanent or there's no clear plan I find it becomes too stressful. As far as getting to know each other, you spend a lot of time on skype/phone so you talk a lot. That can be good in the early stages. You'll know you have good conversational chemistry. The main drawback I found was the lack of "in person" relationship development. There's a physical dynamic to relationships that just doesn't progress in LDR. I don't mean sexual, but just the physical chemistry that develops (or doesn't develop) from hanging around each other on a regular, consistent basis; what is the person's daily mood like? Are they fun? Can we function as a team? Can we work through conflicts together? It's hard to figure those things out when you only see each other every few weeks for a few hours. One thing I found was that when you go a couple weeks without seeing the person it feels like a first date. You are really excited and everything is romantic. You seem to be in a perpetual honeymoon phase, which can make evolution of the relationship awkward. For me I felt I was missing that "in person", physical dynamic growth. People do make it work, but I think it takes a high level of dedication and commitment to make it work from the ground up. By that I mean getting to know someone from the initial stages at a long distance and sustaining the relationship. I know one friend who made LDR work, but they were already dating and were separated for a few years due to job transfers. But like I said, they had an end in sight and were already dating for a year before they had a distance issue. I think that is more ideal than LDR from the ground up. I image most of us would like to find the magic solution to LDR. Most of us could find the ideal match if LD wasn't a concern Someone hurry up and invent the Star Trek transporter!
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