ScienceGal Posted February 19, 2012 Posted February 19, 2012 OP, you'll be amazed by how a woman who is attracted to you and interested in you will move mountains to be with you. Erase this one. Move on. ^^^ This. There is nothing that would keep me from being with someone I truly wanted to be with. And if my schedule was that gruelling, I would compromise and set at least one planned date a week. Are you going to wait the 3-4 months? You're a good guy if you are. But, you should be doing it only if you see real potential in her, not because you are "too busy to date or establish anything new with someone else".
carhill Posted February 19, 2012 Posted February 19, 2012 OP, ask yourself this question. Have you ever met a woman who would 'wait around' for you? Perhaps they do exist, somewhere, for a certain and specific kind of man, but I have yet to personally meet one in my 52 on this rock. Women are great teachers. Learn from them
Author SciGuy Posted February 19, 2012 Author Posted February 19, 2012 ^^^ This. There is nothing that would keep me from being with someone I truly wanted to be with. And if my schedule was that gruelling, I would compromise and set at least one planned date a week. Are you going to wait the 3-4 months? You're a good guy if you are. But, you should be doing it only if you see real potential in her, not because you are "too busy to date or establish anything new with someone else". This is what makes it so hard. I do see SO much potential in her. And, I really don't want to date anyone else right now. I have brought up the one planned date a week idea and she was a little hesitant. She acted like she didn't want to be forced to back out on me if she didn't get enough accomplished that day. She did recently agree to have a planned date night this next weekend coming up. So, I'm thinking about seeing how this pans out before I make any big decisions.
Author SciGuy Posted February 19, 2012 Author Posted February 19, 2012 OP, ask yourself this question. Have you ever met a woman who would 'wait around' for you? Perhaps they do exist, somewhere, for a certain and specific kind of man, but I have yet to personally meet one in my 52 on this rock. Women are great teachers. Learn from them I appreciate your wisdom. She didn't directly say wait around for her. She has suggested that maybe we stay friends through this time period and then maybe start up "dating" again after that. She told me that "she's not going anywhere" and will be available to me after this time. But, in my experience, women say a lot of things and it's easy for a heart to wander during this time. So, while I'm not against being friends only right now, I'm afraid that the passion/chemistry might change between us and I'd risk losing her.
EspressoTorte Posted February 19, 2012 Posted February 19, 2012 Okay, she breaks off get togethers with you at the last minute, has said she doesn't have time for a relationship, and has suggested that you two be friends until this busy period has stopped in a few months. Make a list of her good attributes that make you think you should wait around, and see if that outweighs the above facts. I'm thinking it ain't gonna happen given the doubts you have about her feelings changing in the future.
phineas Posted February 19, 2012 Posted February 19, 2012 c'mon OP you're just making excuses. She just isn't all that into you. I also don't believe she is this flakie with her friends either. What does she do with her free time then? Nobody is THAT busy. Blew off someone's birthday? Unless you were with her or at the birthday to see for yourself don't believe it. I seriously doubt she'd have any friends left if she acted this way with them. OP, I didn't see where you answered my question. Are you sleeping with her?
chelsea2011 Posted February 19, 2012 Posted February 19, 2012 This is what makes it so hard. I do see SO much potential in her. And, I really don't want to date anyone else right now. I have brought up the one planned date a week idea and she was a little hesitant. She acted like she didn't want to be forced to back out on me if she didn't get enough accomplished that day. She did recently agree to have a planned date night this next weekend coming up. So, I'm thinking about seeing how this pans out before I make any big decisions. What time of day did you suggest this one planned date a week? Is it during the week durng the day? That was suggested to me in my most recent sitution without any flexibility on his part, yet somehow I'm the one who is being difficult? I'm projecting, so I apologize, but maybe there is something on your end that is creating her hesitancy. I can't "move mountains" in my situation because the recommended schedule makes it extremely difficult and he refuses to be flexible about it. But, it doesn't matter anymore because it's done for good now.
Ninjainpajamas Posted February 19, 2012 Posted February 19, 2012 I'm not sure why this continued so many pages...Phineas is right...she's not that into you. I'm sure she started seeing you for some sort of appeal but It's not enough to peak her interest, you're probably too settled, predictable and steady for what she's looking for...you're more a comfort zone type thing..maybe even father type figure than an actual boyfriend material. I'm sure she'll try and be around in the future, but most women always act like another guy isn't around the corner..then bam, they've moved on in a heartbeat, but you don't really have a choice because she's already made her decision. All you can do is hope she'll mature or be interested in having a relationship with someone like you in the future...when she gets burned by mr spontaneous - flakes when he wants to guy. Younger women are typically looking for a little excitement, they aren't looking for that Mr. stable and predictable yet.
Author SciGuy Posted February 19, 2012 Author Posted February 19, 2012 I'm not sure why this continued so many pages...Phineas is right...she's not that into you. I'm sure she started seeing you for some sort of appeal but It's not enough to peak her interest, you're probably too settled, predictable and steady for what she's looking for...you're more a comfort zone type thing..maybe even father type figure than an actual boyfriend material. I'm sure she'll try and be around in the future, but most women always act like another guy isn't around the corner..then bam, they've moved on in a heartbeat, but you don't really have a choice because she's already made her decision. All you can do is hope she'll mature or be interested in having a relationship with someone like you in the future...when she gets burned by mr spontaneous - flakes when he wants to guy. Younger women are typically looking for a little excitement, they aren't looking for that Mr. stable and predictable yet. You might be right about the predictability/comfort zone. But, I think you're a bit wrong about her not seeking these traits. She has told me numerous times that I have exactly what she's seeking in a partner. Yet, I don't think any guy is willing to pull her away from what she deems MOST important right now...which is her career. Many of her guy friends are spontaneous/unpredictable and she chooses not to date them. All I can do is pull back a bit and see what happens. I appreciate everyone's responses.
Author SciGuy Posted February 19, 2012 Author Posted February 19, 2012 What time of day did you suggest this one planned date a week? Is it during the week durng the day? That was suggested to me in my most recent sitution without any flexibility on his part, yet somehow I'm the one who is being difficult? The planned date was suggested later on a weekend night
Author SciGuy Posted February 19, 2012 Author Posted February 19, 2012 c'mon OP you're just making excuses. She just isn't all that into you. I also don't believe she is this flakie with her friends either. What does she do with her free time then? Nobody is THAT busy. Blew off someone's birthday? Unless you were with her or at the birthday to see for yourself don't believe it. I seriously doubt she'd have any friends left if she acted this way with them. OP, I didn't see where you answered my question. Are you sleeping with her? Yes, I was at the birthday party and she didn't show. And, yes, we really are THAT busy.
carhill Posted February 19, 2012 Posted February 19, 2012 It all boils down to choice. You choose to be busy. She chooses to be busy. You choose to go to the birthday party. She chooses to not go to it. You choose to ask her out on a date. She chooses to accept. She chooses to 'flake'. Etc, Etc. You (general 'you') choose your priorities. Whether a SAHS, CEO, grad student, working stiff, dedicated professional, everyone makes choices. Those choices have consequences and the individual owns those consequences and is solely responsible for them. One can 'explain' it and 'rationalize' it all one wants and that in no way obviates the essential truth of it. What's your next choice? 1
Author SciGuy Posted February 19, 2012 Author Posted February 19, 2012 It all boils down to choice. You choose to be busy. She chooses to be busy. You choose to go to the birthday party. She chooses to not go to it. You choose to ask her out on a date. She chooses to accept. She chooses to 'flake'. Etc, Etc. You (general 'you') choose your priorities. Whether a SAHS, CEO, grad student, working stiff, dedicated professional, everyone makes choices. Those choices have consequences and the individual owns those consequences and is solely responsible for them. One can 'explain' it and 'rationalize' it all one wants and that in no way obviates the essential truth of it. What's your next choice? Hmm. My choice will be to see what sort of effort she makes (this weekend particularly). If she doesn't, then I'm out. Thanks for your help.
Ninjainpajamas Posted February 20, 2012 Posted February 20, 2012 You might be right about the predictability/comfort zone. But, I think you're a bit wrong about her not seeking these traits. She has told me numerous times that I have exactly what she's seeking in a partner. Yet, I don't think any guy is willing to pull her away from what she deems MOST important right now...which is her career. Many of her guy friends are spontaneous/unpredictable and she chooses not to date them. All I can do is pull back a bit and see what happens. I appreciate everyone's responses. Don't let what one says override what one does. If she was looking for that, then obviously you would be an ideal choice, correct? She might not appreciate the company of those type of men right now (as far as she lets you know, or you never know what kind she'll date after you so I wouldn't count your eggs just yet) But she likely does want to eventually be with someone who can be accountable, respectful and mature...in the future. I think she's a smart girl for pursuing her career and taking care of herself first, I commend her for that.
thatone Posted February 20, 2012 Posted February 20, 2012 Don't let what one says override what one does. If she was looking for that, then obviously you would be an ideal choice, correct? She might not appreciate the company of those type of men right now (as far as she lets you know, or you never know what kind she'll date after you so I wouldn't count your eggs just yet) But she likely does want to eventually be with someone who can be accountable, respectful and mature...in the future. I think she's a smart girl for pursuing her career and taking care of herself first, I commend her for that. yeah but be honest, for a good number of young women, that doesn't equate to what they're really doing. it's not like they stay celibate through their 20s. they pick up bad habits from their bad boy flings. they justify it to themselves by saying that they're "working on themselves first". then they show up on loveshack at 40 and bemoan how the latest guy they fell head over heels for pumped and dumped them and that's not one sided, men do the same thing, they learn to be the bad boy with attention whores in bars through their 20s and then wonder why the few sane/stable women they meet when they're 40 want nothing to do with them. it's a learned selfish behavior. and putting a sweet sounding coating on it doesn't make it a wise thing. when you are more important than other people and you point that out to them, you will find that other people determine that they are more important to themselves than you, too. 3
maybealone Posted February 20, 2012 Posted February 20, 2012 Yes, I was at the birthday party and she didn't show. And, yes, we really are THAT busy. Being busy doesn't prevent a person from saying, "No, I won't be able to make it. But if something changes, I will let you know." I've had friends who did the whole "Maybe" and "We'll see" stuff, over and over again, and I find it really annoying. Either know yourself enough to know you won't be able to make it no matter how good your intentions are, or, if necessary, grow a pair if it bothers you to say no. Bingo. I've driven 600 kms to see a girl for a couple hours and then driven back home....getting no sleep and then off to work. Perhaps crazy but it's called falling in love. Yeah, and one thing people in their 20s often have is a lot of energy. Back when I was in college, a 12-hour day would have seemed like a vacation day for me. Yet I still managed a pretty cool social life. I know not everyone could run on as little sleep as I did back in those days, but still, where there's a will, there's usually a way.
Author SciGuy Posted February 21, 2012 Author Posted February 21, 2012 So, I told her today that I need a break to figure things out. She responded by saying she hopes it's not a test to see if she will try to win me back??? Well, isn't that the problem? That it seems that she's not interested enough in me in the first place? I'm taking this as she's just not that into me.
EspressoTorte Posted February 21, 2012 Posted February 21, 2012 Good on you. I think her response kinda sealed it
Author SciGuy Posted February 21, 2012 Author Posted February 21, 2012 It's definitely not what I wanted to do, but I feel that it had to be done. Tired of pressing and pressing while getting little in return. I'm exhausted.
EspressoTorte Posted February 21, 2012 Posted February 21, 2012 We've all been there, it'll get better
ScienceGal Posted February 21, 2012 Posted February 21, 2012 It's definitely not what I wanted to do, but I feel that it had to be done. Tired of pressing and pressing while getting little in return. I'm exhausted. Good for you. Now, no game playing. No chasing her, and if she tries to chase you (as she suspects you want), you either ignore her advances or clearly state what your needs in the relationship are. period. No more compromising or feeling bad. You both deserve to be happy.
Author SciGuy Posted February 21, 2012 Author Posted February 21, 2012 So, I was told tonight that she wants to be with me "without the complexities of a relationship" and that if I have to be dating someone right now then that means she's not important enough to me or I don't like her enough. She thinks we moved too fast and just wants to get to know me better. So, it seems to me she wants all the benefits of a relationship (attention, physical, emotional, etc) without having to call it that and then it gives her an excuse for any selfish behavior. I think it's all BS.
Emilia Posted February 21, 2012 Posted February 21, 2012 So, I was told tonight that she wants to be with me "without the complexities of a relationship" and that if I have to be dating someone right now then that means she's not important enough to me or I don't like her enough. She thinks we moved too fast and just wants to get to know me better. So, it seems to me she wants all the benefits of a relationship (attention, physical, emotional, etc) without having to call it that and then it gives her an excuse for any selfish behavior. I think it's all BS. Me too. She is rubbish. Move on
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