SciGuy Posted February 19, 2012 Posted February 19, 2012 Just wondering how important this is to some people. I've been dating a girl for about 2-3 months and she is a wonderful person. Yet, she has a history of making plans and canceling. She claims that she prefers to be spontaneous in most of the stuff she does, yet I'm more of a planner so it's a big difference. I've compromised to start going with the flow a bit more, but I don't feel like she is making strides on her end. I'm in my 30's and 10 years older so I'm not sure if this is more of a maturity/age related issue. Does anyone have experience with this in the past? It's become a problem almost to the point of destroying the relationship. We are both extremely busy people so this factors into it as well.
Star Gazer Posted February 19, 2012 Posted February 19, 2012 Yet, she has a history of making plans and canceling. She claims that she prefers to be spontaneous in most of the stuff she does, yet I'm more of a planner so it's a big difference. I am just like you and dated a guy just like your girl four times. The same guy. Four times. Each time it ended because of his last minute cancelling, or flaking under the auspices that we didn't have "solid" plans but more of a "maybe, we'll see" kind of plans. I liked him a lot, so after some time when he'd come back and apologize and be better for a bit, we'd reconcile...only to have it happen again. And again. And again. He was in his 30's. I don't think it's an age thing, it's a respect thing. He didn't have respect for me or my time, and I don't think your gal has respect for you or your time either.
cerridwen Posted February 19, 2012 Posted February 19, 2012 I can identify with your gf's more...fluid...style and know firsthand the problems it can create. My xhusband is very linear and organized. I meanwhile, much prefer spontaneity and bristle at too much structure. Our differing styles was a bone of contention that tested his patience but at the time, it felt impossible for me to change. (I was in my 20s, just as your girlfriend is.) However, the demands of life required I adapt. My husband and I found middle ground and did okay in that respect. If she's not seeking that happy medium though, I understand your frustration. We're not an easy lot to put up with!
Ranchero44 Posted February 19, 2012 Posted February 19, 2012 Yet, she has a history of making plans and canceling. "Don't make someone a priority when they only make you an option." 1
cerridwen Posted February 19, 2012 Posted February 19, 2012 I can identify with your gf's more...fluid...style and know firsthand the problems it can create. My xhusband is very linear and organized. I meanwhile, much prefer spontaneity and bristle at too much structure. Our differing styles was a bone of contention that tested his patience but at the time, it felt impossible for me to change. (I was in my 20s, just as your girlfriend is.) It felt like he was trying to change ME, which only made me dig my heels in deeper, like the brat I was. However, the demands of life required I adapt. My husband and I found middle ground and did okay in that respect. If she's not seeking that happy medium though, I understand your frustration. We're not an easy lot to put up with!
FitChick Posted February 19, 2012 Posted February 19, 2012 There is spontaneity and there is stupidity and selfishness. I dated a "spontaneous" man who wanted to do a road trip at the height of tourist season in a tourist area. We wound up driving for hours looking for a place to sleep each night, generally winding up in dives because other less spontaneous people had thought to book ahead. Never again. I love a reliable man who says and does what he promises. That doesn't mean I can't or won't be spontaneous -- I love driving down little lanes to see where they go, for example, if we don't have to be somewhere else at a certain time.
Author SciGuy Posted February 19, 2012 Author Posted February 19, 2012 "Don't make someone a priority when they only make you an option." Trust me I've been saying this to myself a lot more lately! I'm a man of my word. If I say I'm going to do something then I NEVER back out. It's disrespectful to the other person. I sometimes think that I hold such high standards for the way that I act that it's going to be almost impossible to find that in a partner.
xpaperxcutx Posted February 19, 2012 Posted February 19, 2012 No, spontaneity to me usually revolves my BFF and I meeting up, planning on going somewhere and then changing our minds and winding up somewhere else. The fact that she cancels last second tells me she lacks respect for you and your acceptance of her excuse of " going with the flow" is confirmation that she can disregard your feelings. What does she do the rest of the day, minus her beauty sleep that she cannot make plans and keep them? Unless she works a very demanding job, I don't see why she cannot make time for you.
Author SciGuy Posted February 19, 2012 Author Posted February 19, 2012 She also says that since so much of her professional life is already planned out, she likes her personal life to be very care-free and unplanned. For this reason, I'm unable to make dates or plans to go out with her unless it's sort of last minute.
Author SciGuy Posted February 19, 2012 Author Posted February 19, 2012 What does she do the rest of the day, minus her beauty sleep that she cannot make plans and keep them? Unless she works a very demanding job, I don't see why she cannot make time for you. We are both in a very time demanding field. I will admit, there's not much time.
xpaperxcutx Posted February 19, 2012 Posted February 19, 2012 What does she do the rest of the day, minus her beauty sleep that she cannot make plans and keep them? Unless she works a very demanding job, I don't see why she cannot make time for you. We are both in a very time demanding field. I will admit, there's not much time. Very well then. But I too work a very demanding job 5-6 days a week, 13hrs per day PLUS travel time, I'm usually exhausted by the time I plop onto bed, and I still make an EFFORT to make dates and hang out with my friends. If it's something I look forward to, I wouldn't bother to back out of it at the last minute. The fact is, if she's not meeting you half way and is playing headgames with you, you should know when it's time to walk away. I consider my off days very precious to me since what little rest days I have I like to use it for cleaning up the apartment, doing my chores, and/or hanging out with my friends and taking care of my dog, I try to make use of my time productively.
phineas Posted February 19, 2012 Posted February 19, 2012 (edited) She also says that since so much of her professional life is already planned out, she likes her personal life to be very care-free and unplanned. For this reason, I'm unable to make dates or plans to go out with her unless it's sort of last minute. I gotta ask, are you sleeping with this woman? Does she know you are dating? I "dated" someone like this for a few months & only wound up seeing her every other week because she was like this. Reality was, she just wasn't all that into me & I stopped calling her & started seeing someone else. I'm really not sure she noticed. LOL! I was supposed to meet someone off match.com last night. She cancelled friday. I had to cancel my babysitter. not happy about that. I normally don't schedule dates with women who arn't my GF when I have my kids but our schedules weren't lining up. She wanted to reschedule so I gave her the days I don't have my kids. we have a date set. If it don't happen she's done. Edited February 19, 2012 by phineas
maybealone Posted February 19, 2012 Posted February 19, 2012 Do you know if she is like this with her friends as well? I dated a guy that was always avoiding solid plans with me, and at some point I noticed that he would make plans with his friends well in advance and never cancel on them. I never felt like he didn't genuinely like me, but at some point if a guy isn't treating me as well as he treats his friend, I'm not going to stick around.
carhill Posted February 19, 2012 Posted February 19, 2012 Phineas, I'm impressed by your patience. Anymore, for myself, one flake and they're erased. When I was your age, I was more patient, too, and gave a lot of benefits of the doubt for all those seemingly 'logical' rationalizations spewed forth. Marriage cured me of that. OP, you'll be amazed by how a woman who is attracted to you and interested in you will move mountains to be with you. Erase this one. Move on.
phineas Posted February 19, 2012 Posted February 19, 2012 Phineas, I'm impressed by your patience. Anymore, for myself, one flake and they're erased. When I was your age, I was more patient, too, and gave a lot of benefits of the doubt for all those seemingly 'logical' rationalizations spewed forth. Marriage cured me of that. OP, you'll be amazed by how a woman who is attracted to you and interested in you will move mountains to be with you. Erase this one. Move on. I'm being slightly more patient with online dating and allowing 2nd chances but 2nd time around they have to accommodate my schedule. I still pretty-much cut 1st time flakes in real life since we have already met. Unless their offering up the nude pics or movie night at one of our places.
Author SciGuy Posted February 19, 2012 Author Posted February 19, 2012 Do you know if she is like this with her friends as well? I dated a guy that was always avoiding solid plans with me, and at some point I noticed that he would make plans with his friends well in advance and never cancel on them. I never felt like he didn't genuinely like me, but at some point if a guy isn't treating me as well as he treats his friend, I'm not going to stick around. This is a good point. She definitely does this with her friends as well. She was invited out for a birthday dinner this weekend and responded with a "maybe" or "we'll see". Of course she ended up not going. She has made a small attempt to change. Instead of making plans and then backing out, now she just won't make plans and will decide last minute. I told her that I'd rather her do this instead of me constantly feeling let down. Still I'd like to see her make some sort of plan and stick with it. It's hard for this to not feel like a test for our future compatibility. But, I know we are both extremely busy for the next 3 months so I'm holding out for the hopes that things may be better. And yes, we are dating and she understands that. But, she has come out and said that she is too busy to be in a relationship right now. I keep telling myself to back off and see how she responds, but I really despise that kind of thing.
thatone Posted February 19, 2012 Posted February 19, 2012 the reason you despise it is because it doesn't have the effect you want, i would wager. and the reason it doesn't have the effect you want is because of what carhill said. if she were interested she would do whatever you wanted. she isn't.
carhill Posted February 19, 2012 Posted February 19, 2012 she has come out and said that she is too busy to be in a relationship right now I'll translate (harsh life lesson, but meaningful): 'she has come out and said that she is too busy to be in a relationship right now - with you' It's really no more difficult than that, and it's perfectly valid. Clarity is a real gift in life. Refrain from pondering the 'what ifs' and 'whys'. Accept the real. Her actions match her words. Great, isn't it?
Author SciGuy Posted February 19, 2012 Author Posted February 19, 2012 the reason you despise it is because it doesn't have the effect you want, i would wager. and the reason it doesn't have the effect you want is because of what carhill said. if she were interested she would do whatever you wanted. she isn't. I haven't actually tried it yet. But, yes you are right. I'm nervous that it won't have any effect as she HAS told me that her professional life comes first right now. So, maybe I'm just lying to myself and holding out for something that isn't really there. It's a terrible feeling when you like someone so much yet they don't reciprocate as much as you'd like.
Author SciGuy Posted February 19, 2012 Author Posted February 19, 2012 I'll translate (harsh life lesson, but meaningful): 'she has come out and said that she is too busy to be in a relationship right now - with you' It's really no more difficult than that, and it's perfectly valid. Clarity is a real gift in life. Refrain from pondering the 'what ifs' and 'whys'. Accept the real. Her actions match her words. Great, isn't it? With any other girl I would actually believe this. But, we are both in an academic program where we are studying literally 12 hours/day with no weekend breaks. I believe that she is too busy for me OR ANYONE ELSE right now. I've seen many relationships fold in the past several months. And, no I'm not making excuses for her. It's just that no one starts relationships right now.
carhill Posted February 19, 2012 Posted February 19, 2012 So, with this 'brutal' schedule, how are you 'finding the time'? 1
Author SciGuy Posted February 19, 2012 Author Posted February 19, 2012 So, with this 'brutal' schedule, how are you 'finding the time'? She works much harder than I do, so I can't fault her for that. But it's obvious that I'm much more determined in finding a partner AND having a career, yet she wants to achieve stardom in her career and is okay with putting a relationship on the back-burner. Recall that I'm in my 30's and she's in her 20's. I do feel like backing off is the appropriate thing to do right now.
carhill Posted February 19, 2012 Posted February 19, 2012 How about dating a woman more similar in age and place in life?
EspressoTorte Posted February 19, 2012 Posted February 19, 2012 She works much harder than I do, so I can't fault her for that. But it's obvious that I'm much more determined in finding a partner AND having a career, yet she wants to achieve stardom in her career and is okay with putting a relationship on the back-burner. Recall that I'm in my 30's and she's in her 20's. I do feel like backing off is the appropriate thing to do right now. I think you should back off...and start exploring your options. She's told you she doesn't have the time. You seem to be making the time to want to be with someone and balance your school career. Find someone who is willing to meet you in the middle in that regard.
Author SciGuy Posted February 19, 2012 Author Posted February 19, 2012 How about dating a woman more similar in age and place in life? I know, I've tried dating both age groups. This just sort of happened. Like I said before she is a wonderful girl and is more mature than many older women than I have dated. Yet, there is just this one thing causing a problem. She made a promise to me that things will change in 3-4 months and that she hopes that I just sort of ride this out. I'm wondering if I should sort of just play a long and maybe put myself out there less or not play by her rules altogether and back off. It's a tough spot. Reality is that I'm really too busy to date or establish anything new with someone else right now
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