How do you stop new tears from falling?

[padparadscha]

3.5 years together and he lied. He was married. He flew his wife in from Africa less than a week after our breakup, shocking me and crushing me. Almost 3 weeks later and I am still crying. Is something wrong with me? I am blessed and I know it. I have an exboyfriend whose shoulders are strong who has no problem with me crying on them. We dated for two years and have been great friends for fifteen years. He calls me always asking how I feel. He is not a lover only a friend. I have a man who lives all the way in the far east, who goes out of his way to bring me happiness here in America just so I can heal. All this masculine energy trying to show me I am special and get me through the pain. I have female friends who I talk with. There is no reason to wake up in cold sweats and to be sad. I thought I was getting stronger but tomorrow I have tickets to a broadway play tomorrow. It was my Christmas present to him and my brother. He asked me to hold onto the tickets. I had been keeping them since Christmas. Now the pain feels as if we just broke up yesterday.

 

How could he have been married? Why did he lie? He knew how I felt about him why did he lead me on? Why was he looking for other women? Why if he was married was he searching for other women? Our breakup he claimed was over our religious differences. He told me that was the reason. I broke up with him. I changed my number. Yet I did it out of fear and quick feelings of helplessness. Why did he cease talking to me and responding to my phone calls and emails? How did he go from acting like he loved me to REJECTING ME as if I harmed and offended him? The way he never allowed me to have closure hurts like hell. This is so silly. All these new painful feelings are creeping up, over lousy theater tickets. I clearly meant nothing to the man and he was being deceitful all along using religion as a cover. So why am wasting my new tears on old vicious wounds?

 

I don’t even want a relationship with a married man who lies and cheats. I don’t want a relationship with a man who plays games with God. I don’t want a relationship with a man who can be so deceitful. So why cant these new tears stop falling and this old pain stop creeping up? I now see all the past red flags and I know for a fact he was seeing other women or at least keeping his options open even though I had access to his apartment. I know now that there were signs from how he looked at me that he did not like me. He said he loved me but his eyes were cold and hateful at times. I remember, but brushed it off because he would kiss me or make me laugh. I remember the day he gave me the expensive earrings for my birthday how he looked as if he wanted to throw them in my face. But I brushed the look off because the gift was the very first he had given me in over a year. It was also the most expensive thing he ever bought me. Yet 2 weeks later he broke up with me.

 

So I know that I do not want him back. I also know his not contacting me is followed by a hatred not a guilt. He has no guilt only resentment towards me. He used to refer to me as American. I used to always tell him he only thought of himself not me. He was very SELFISH and SELF CENTERED and egotistic. Yet he appeared to be so innocent of his actions because he masked himself with the cloak of religion. So why these fresh tears and this new pain? Why can't I realize that wife+ deceit+ evil intensions= NO MORE TEARS OR PAIN idiot girl? Am I so convinced he was the best I could do? Am I so sure that other men out there will be worst towards me? How can that be when this is the lowest? Surely another can not compete in being worst towards me could they?

[Buttercup84]

I am so sorry you are going through this , that man is scum . I can't give you much advice as nothing can take the pain away .

 

Try therapy , it is helping me . And keep sticking to NC , it is very hard but it really is the best thing.

 

Your ex is a horrible man and will never change , he won't be any different to other women and I am sure he treats people in general like **** .

 

This is not a reflection on you , this is not your fault , and you will meet someone much much better , but now just love yourself and heal xx

[padparadscha]

Please tell me what it the power behind no contact? It seems like when you know in your heart you gave a relationship your very best. When you want answers but the other party is so hateful after all these years they cant and wont give any...how does NC give you power when your hurting so badly? I am sure it is the logical way, but does it not tell they other party they were never that important to you? That your feelings just as their feelings, were also a lie?

[Frank13]

No contact is to get you to heal. Here is a guide to No Contact that you should read.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/second-chances/54435-lost-guide-no-contact-v4

[padparadscha]

Thank you. I wish I were stronger.

[Buttercup84]

You are a lot stronger than you think . I was with an emotionaly abusive man for two years , and I posted so so many threads on here since he ended it . I was such a wreck I had to go to my doctor twice a week because I had anxiety attacks and I went into the emergency room because I wanted to die , it was really really bad and scary , the pain was so intense I never wanted to live without him .

 

NC was so hard , but when he did contact me or when I contacted him , I felt good for a while then I came crashing down .

 

I am doing so much better now , apart from a setback on Vday . I am pretty sure he knows you love him , and he does not deserve anything from you ever again .

 

I know that despite how badly he treated you , that you still love him and don't want to hurt him . You are human and have a beautiful heart .

 

Start a coping log on here , and everytime you want to contact him , write here instead . You can really go crazy with your words too , no one judges .xxx

[padparadscha]

I appreciate what your saying. Let me tell you that you will get through this! You have to do what I had to do. Find a hobby and get closer to people. Even strangers. You know buttercup, I think he was truly hoping that your situation would happen to me. I honestly in my heart believe there was an evil in him that wanted that for me. The only thing he did not count on was the fact that I was were you were several years ago. There was a man who was helping me get through past fears from being raped. That man was so wonderful in helping me. We were sexually active, but not in love. He abruptly left me. Years later I learned it was because he had terminal cancer and was afraid to have me see him dying. Luckily he is still alive. However his abrupt not talking to me left me much like you. I even had to go get professional help. This is why this time I am not in that place again. I am hurt. I am confused. I feel betrayed. Yet, what happend years ago was more painful because that man was like my medicine. He was helping me overcome something and it was almost addictive. As if he were my crutch. I felt I needed him and could not survive without him. So this is why I am not like that now. BUT the betrayal is a smack in the face none-the-less.

 

I know what you mean about Valentines Day. I was shocked he did not contact me. I was so good to him helping him write his college papers etc. I know I went above and beyond to help him with many things. So for him not to contact me I almost broke down. Yet oddly enough a man I met two years ago in Cambodia sent me flowers and balloons. WTF??????? I was so stunned. I was thinking I was so unloved and then there was my gift. Then the phone call from Cambodia from this man I never realized had a crush on me telling me that nobody deserved to be alone on Valentines Day. He told me that he loves me. Now he is not a possiblity for me, but my goodness how I was so overwhelmingly grateful that I was being thought of and loved. You know buttercup, life is beautiful even though we met truly horrible men.