Music Lover Posted June 4, 2004 Posted June 4, 2004 Been with my bf for a year and a half now. I have always felt in the relationship that I cared more than him....and it showed through my actions ( would get insecure when he would go out with his friends, was jealous of his friendship with his ex girlfriend). I have always wondered and asked him if our relationship was bad timing in his life just because he has never really had time on his own. He moved from his parents house into a dorm than in with his ex-girlfriend for 4 years and then he was single for a year and then met me. When we met he had a roommate and then in Dec. he moved into an apartment on his own. I have always been happy he lived by himself and have supported him in that. I've admitted to him that I was not ready to move in together either. We have both always been on the same page in that area. He is a huge part of my life. He is my best friend he is my daily contact. But for the past couple of weeks I felt he did not want to spend time with me and something just was not right (including our sex life)Finally last week we got together and I asked him what was up and he said "He needed time to himself and maybe this was a bad time in his life for a relationship" he said he always felt guilty about me. He feels like he cannot give me what I need. He told me he did not have an urge to hold me or be with me "that" way anymore he just wanted me to still be his best friend w/o all the other stuff (that hurt!). He feels like that our relationship should be on a certain path (moving in together marriage etc) I told him I was not pushing for that and I never have.....cause I'm not ready either. I know he is in depression (he admits he is in depression and is getting meds to help) he says he just wants to be alone and not have to think about anyone else. I told him he could have the time he wanted and I walked away. I have not called him....he sent me one e-mail the next day saying he felt "like and a**h*** misunderstood sad and he never wanted me to just go away. He said he has issues and he feels like he lets everyone down including himself" my response to him was "I don't know what to say other than try to feel better". This break up has been hard on me and I of course cried the whole first day after he gave me his news. The second day I cried but then that night I thought to myself I've been so busy taking care of him and thinking about him these past several months I lost touch with myself. So I made myself a promise to take this time to better myself and my life. These thoughts carried me through days 2 and 3. On the third day he called me and it was a great call. He asked if I hated him and I told him I did not that I think what he did was a good thing "FOR ME" then we went on to talk about a bunch of unimportant stuff like the weather, our friends family etc. I felt so good when I got off the phone with him. I felt good cause he called and I felt good because I did not try to get in the serious talk with him. I know what he does not need from me right now is the "poor me you broke my heart how could you do this to me" and when he called I was honestly in a good mood. He is the type of guy that calls me at least 5 times a day....usually for not reason. So it has been tough on me to not talk to him everyday or to have my phone ring and to see his name on caller id. I guess in the back of my mind I thought to myself there is no way he can go 1 day let alone 5 days without calling me........but he has so I have to believe it is over. I feel like he has pushed pause on our relationship and I don't know what to expect next. In my mind I'm thinking that we are broke up and I'm telling people we are broke up. Ok I've rambled on and on Any advice on any thing I've said? Am I doing the right thing by staying away from him? Is there hope he might really just need time....or is that cop out? Does he really even love me anymore? Please help!
azgirl Posted June 4, 2004 Posted June 4, 2004 Music Lover - You know?? I thought the "time" excuse was a cop out, too. However, I have just, and still am dealing with a very similar situation with my bf/ex or whatever you want to call him. He, too, is going through a lot of emotional crap right now. Too much to get into really, but suffice to say - he's having a hard time. And his coping skills blow. As do his communication skills. Anyway ... First I want to tell you that you are handling this beautifully! Taking care of yourself and not being all weepy and sh*t when you have talked. Very important. But ... as I discovered last night. Sometimes they just DO need some time. It is NOT you. If he is going through some emotional problems he may just need a time-out to clear his head. I live with mine and he virtually disappeared for an entire week. I only called him twice - to ask brief questions. I gave him a couple of short but sweet emails and that was it. Well, he came home last night and things went really well between us. I am not going to say that we are back together for sure, and I am not going to ask. Sometimes you have to just let the chips fall where they may. I, too, had a hard time at first. He said some of the same things yours did. Deep in my heart, as much as they hurt, I didn't believe some of those angry, nasty words were truly heartfelt. Last night, he told me that he cares about me very much. (Has had problems in the past with the "L" word - so I got his meaning) and we had a heart-to-heart. He opened up to me about some stuff going on in his life, and I actually got him to face an issue that affects him greatly that I don't think he has confronted. So ... it was good. By the end of the night, he was making "us" and "we" statements again. Don't know what that means, and am not going to push. Like many of us here have discussed, sometimes the harder you push - the harder they pull away. There is a chance that you'll get back together. After last night, I believe anything is possible. Just tell him when you talk to him next, that you understand that he is having a hard time right now and that if this is how he feels he must handle it, then you can accept and respect his decision even though it is hurtful to you. Tell him you care about him and will be there if he needs anything. And just ask him not to shut you out and tell him you want to be his friend because you think he needs one right now. And then do just what you are doing. Back off. Once his head clears, he'll be back. And if not - then the worst is over. It only gets better each day and maybe by the time he does come back you won't even want him. But yesterday I read something another member posted. Just something to think about. She said that sometimes when men have a lot of negative emotions they just try to shut them off and not deal with things and in the process, they end up shutting off all of their emotions. (that was paraphrased a bit.) But it made sense to me. Hope this helps a little. I'm here in you need to talk some more!
Author Music Lover Posted June 4, 2004 Author Posted June 4, 2004 Thanks azgirl....I've been reading your stuff too. Sounds like your guy might be coming around more. I agree with not breaking down on him. He just kept telling me the other night he has so much guilt in every area of his life. I don't want to add to that guilt. It would be nice sooner or later to tell him that he hurt me very much.....but I'm sure he already knows. I just hate feeling like I'm on pause. Sigh...... Any other thoughts from anyone are helpful
azgirl Posted June 4, 2004 Posted June 4, 2004 Music Lover - You're welcome. Glad I can help. I think my guy might be starting to come around, too. I just know him well enough to know that I cannot push or he will feel "controlled" and bail! With yours, though - I am concerned about this guilt issue. Where is all the guilt coming from? I don't understand. Sounds like he may need counseling. Is he going?? Um ... here's another tactic: When you do speak with him, don't talk about what is going on with you two. Get him to open up to you about other areas of his life right now. Too much talk of the "us" bulls**t can get tiring for men and then they run and hide - literally like mine did. Maybe don't mention your pain. But definitely telll him the other stuff that I mentioned - about caring for him and wanting to be there. He is clearly in a really bad place mentally and emotionally right now. Just be there to help him through. This will also show him that you guys can work through things and that you do not check out when the going gets rough. You know??
Author Music Lover Posted June 4, 2004 Author Posted June 4, 2004 Yes the guilt thing worries me too. Course I blamed myself for alot of that guilt....but he says it's nothing I did that he just knows he is not right in the head right now. And I know he feels guilt for pushing me away like he did. And your right I don't plan on bringing up the bullsh*t of "US" anytime soon. For one thing it would do ME no good and I know it would just make him feel more guilty. Fact is I am his friend I'm his best friend (and he is mine) he knows w/o a doubt I'm there for him. But he asked me to give him time and that is what I'm giving him......time to himself with no contact from me.....
azgirl Posted June 4, 2004 Posted June 4, 2004 That's definitely the right thing to do, but ... I meant if he does contact you. THEN tell him those things.
beautiful Posted June 5, 2004 Posted June 5, 2004 You are doing great! GOOD FOR YOU GURL! Continue taking care of you and be sincerely happy. Life is great and you in it makes it even greater. Don't you worry about him. The calls that the dumpee makes after a break up are selfish ones.........they do that to make themselves feel better because they know that they screwed up. The more you feed into those calls the better they feel about themselves......................so don't you answer all his calls. Be sincerely busy, go date and have fun. He is not the only guy or shouold I say boy! Don't be nice either, if you angry let him know. His behavior is not acceptable for you. HIS LOSS! You doing the right thing.
beautiful Posted June 5, 2004 Posted June 5, 2004 "I need some time" is this statement a cop out???? ...ABSOLUTELY! Anytime a guys says that is is the same as saying "I don't want to be with you" If you ever hear a guy say to you "I am not ready for a commitment" that means I am not ready for a commitment with you! Gurls take this serious and for what it truly is. A man that wants to be with you 100%...........................you will see by actions !
Recommended Posts