MJ2 Posted February 18, 2012 Posted February 18, 2012 Really bummed out, not sure how i should handle this situation. I started seeing an older man several months ago. My friend told me he was 10 yrs older than me (I'm in my mid twenties), and when It came up in a conversation on our 1st date, he confirmed his age. Lately, we've been spending more and more time together. He's been on my mind a lot & my feelings for him are getting real. However, all of a sudden, he's pulling away & distancing himself. He was very aggressive and persistent before and after our 1st date. I take things really slow when it comes to new relationships. I take a while to open up and like to really get to know someone before I put my guard down. I hold out on sex until I know I'm the only girl. We still haven't slept together, though he's tried several times. Maybe he was looking for a no strings attached relationship, and decided to back off. But from the get go, I made it clear that he was wasting his time if that's what he was hoping for. His distance was messing with my head, so I did some research. Was shocked to find out that he's been lying to me about his age. Not by a few yrs, but 10! So he's 20 yrs my senior. Why would a man lie about his real age and not come clean once emotions become involved? I just let my guard down and boom. Something happens to remind me exactly why it was up in the first place. what should I do next? Thanks for any advice you may have.
FitChick Posted February 18, 2012 Posted February 18, 2012 So if he were twenty years younger you'd put up with his behavior?
ascendotum Posted February 18, 2012 Posted February 18, 2012 He did it for the nookie. If he told you his real age straight up, it would have been 'eeeew old guy no way'. My guess is he was hoping for possibly a STR. He would have realised eventually he would have to come clean on his age in a serious LTR, and that would likely end it or he could hope that maybe you were attached to him by that stage and the age difference wouldn't be such a big deal. I'm guessing he started to distance himself because he realised sex didn't happen quick and he knew you were the cautious type & he was wary of it becoming a serious LTR, not that he necessarly doesn't want one, but knows he has something to hide that will probably be a deal-breaker. I don't get what you mean by 'I just let my guard down and boom'. Its not like this has been a long relationship or he's treated you like crap or ripped you off. What would you have done differently...you hadn't had sex with him because you said it takes a while for you to open up? Sounds like you are already cautious. You did nothing wrong, no need to get police checks on all your future dates or wait 3 mths to have sex, because you think all guys are up to no good. what should I do next? Thats totally up to you. How much do you like this guy and think he would make a great partner...regardless of his age. Are you looking for a husband, a LTR or happy to have a STR with him. Do you have many options for guys who are interested in you?
Oxy Moronovich Posted February 18, 2012 Posted February 18, 2012 So he's a 40-something who can pass for a 30-something. More power to him.
FitChick Posted February 19, 2012 Posted February 19, 2012 Why do I think if this man treated the OP like a princess and adored her and she adored him that age wouldn't be a problem? People use age as a red herring when other problems are much more pertinent. 1
EasyHeart Posted February 19, 2012 Posted February 19, 2012 Yeah, I have to agree that he is/was looking for the nookie. He figured he could get in and out (literally!) before you found out how old he is. I lied about my age once. I met this woman who was drop-dead gorgeous but obviously a lot younger than me. I never thought it would go anywhere beyond the "fun" stage, so I figured the lie wouldn't hurt. Then I got to know her and realized that she was really smart and sweet, so my feeling for her changed. As it became obvious that we were going to sleep together, I decided I needed to tell her my actual age. When I did, at first she didn't believe me and she demanded to see my driver's license. I showed it to her and she started laughing hysterically. She took out HER driver's license and showed it to me, and it turned out she had been lying about her age, too! She knew I was older than her, so she added a few years to her age so that I wouldn't think she was immature. We both had a good laugh and dated for almost 3 years. She's still one of my favorite people in the world.
Author MJ2 Posted February 19, 2012 Author Posted February 19, 2012 Why do I think if this man treated the OP like a princess and adored her and she adored him that age wouldn't be a problem? People use age as a red herring when other problems are much more pertinent. I like to think of myself as a fairly openminded person, so age normally isn't an issue. When I look at the big picture, it may be an issue down the road. He treated me like a princess to be honest. Its not his actually age, its the fact that he's deceiving me. I do like him, but this is messing with my head, causing me to doubt him and his real intentions all together. Lying is rarely justifiable in my book :-/
FitChick Posted February 19, 2012 Posted February 19, 2012 You are the one who said his backing off and being distant, after he'd been very aggressive and persistent, was messing with your head. Let me ask you again, if someone your own age acted the same, how would you feel? If you read this forum, you would know that guys of every age do this all the time. Men want sex and if they think they won't get it, they back off unless they want more than sex.
mesmerized Posted February 19, 2012 Posted February 19, 2012 He lied to you, about a pretty significant thing. Do you really want to let this go and keep going out with him??? How are you really going to trust him with other things? Use your head and stop seeing this guy. You're in your mind twenties, not a desperate 40 something year old woman. You can find a better guy easily, don't sell yourself short. 1
goldengirl11 Posted February 19, 2012 Posted February 19, 2012 He lied to you, about a pretty significant thing. Do you really want to let this go and keep going out with him??? How are you really going to trust him with other things? Use your head and stop seeing this guy. You're in your mind twenties, not a desperate 40 something year old woman. You can find a better guy easily, don't sell yourself short. Well said, Mesmerized! I'm going through a similar thing myself.
Disenchantedly Yours Posted February 19, 2012 Posted February 19, 2012 How do you know a woman is lying? Her lips are moving. Ummm..you do realize that this post is about a man lying don't you? OP, dump him. You are in your 20s. He is in his 40s. He is old. You are not. He lied. You didn't. You can do much better. Move on.
ascendotum Posted February 19, 2012 Posted February 19, 2012 So the perv lied to you to get himself some young nookie, did he? Sounds as though his intentions right from the beginning were just to get laid and nothing more, so he lied about his age. Makes him nothing more than a horny, middle-aged con man. What a charmer. Please tell me you're going to ditch this lying sack of sh*t or that you already have? Lying didn't change his personality or looks which is what attacted her. If a younger woman is desirable enough to deceive to have sex with, then why stop there and not want more, if the woman is willing and there is a good connection despite growing up in a different decade. As someone else said, he likely wanted in & out before the lie was revealed, because some women would consider him, old perv or con-man/sack of shyt as we see here. Does not mean he would not have loved a relationship with her. I am not justifying guys having to lie to get a woman, but are women who lie about their size or exaggerate (still lying) their hobbies/interests on OLD sites or who lie about their number of partners or freaky stuff they may have done in the past or lie about the reason some of their past relationships ended (plenty of females here still consider omisson to be a lie)...also then the equivalent of sacks of sh*t? Is that girl in EasyHeart's story who bumped her age up to get with him a sack of sh*t?
FitChick Posted February 19, 2012 Posted February 19, 2012 Lying didn't change his personality or looks which is what attacted her.... are women who lie about their size or exaggerate (still lying) their hobbies/interests on OLD sites or who lie about their number of partners or freaky stuff they may have done in the past or lie about the reason some of their past relationships ended (plenty of females here still consider omisson to be a lie)...also then the equivalent of sacks of sh*t? Is that girl in EasyHeart's story who bumped her age up to get with him a sack of sh*t? Exactly. Some lies are worse than others.
Ninjainpajamas Posted February 19, 2012 Posted February 19, 2012 Sounds like you did the smart thing and figured this guy out. Of course he wanted to get in your pants, that's why he lied about his age...that's why he's trying to buy his time until he does so he can pull at the strings of your emotions...by the time you find out the truth and any other truths then It'll be too late and like many women you're too far gone at that point to make any competent decision. This is why men lie, to get what they want...not because they are good people and are confident in themselves, because they'd use any trick in order to do it. I think it's rather funny that some people see this as so innocent...maybe in a perfect world his age is the only thing he was lying about...but If there's one thing I know about men is...If they're going to lie about one thing, that means they crossed the line into lying about other things! He's basically starting the relationship based off lies and mistrust, does anyone not see a problem with this? or if the trickery is successful then you can't ahold it against the guy? ha! It's like cheating to win, except you downplay it because it was only a small cheat. I have no idea why women even would be interested in being with a man 10 years older than you, women just don't the realize power of manipulation a man can have with that much more experience, you cannot possibly cover that ground with any kind of "maturity" or "knowledge"...he'll always be 10 steps ahead of you...to the point you won't even see him as a bad guy because he's got all the bases covered or keep you in such a deep wormhole of narrow awareness that you might not ever see him for what he really is. Older men are usually more clever than this guy however, his game hasn't seemed to have improved much over the years. 1
kaylan Posted February 19, 2012 Posted February 19, 2012 Sounds like you did the smart thing and figured this guy out. Of course he wanted to get in your pants, that's why he lied about his age...that's why he's trying to buy his time until he does so he can pull at the strings of your emotions...by the time you find out the truth and any other truths then It'll be too late and like many women you're too far gone at that point to make any competent decision. This is why men lie, to get what they want...not because they are good people and are confident in themselves, because they'd use any trick in order to do it. I think it's rather funny that some people see this as so innocent...maybe in a perfect world his age is the only thing he was lying about...but If there's one thing I know about men is...If they're going to lie about one thing, that means they crossed the line into lying about other things! He's basically starting the relationship based off lies and mistrust, does anyone not see a problem with this? or if the trickery is successful then you can't ahold it against the guy? ha! It's like cheating to win, except you downplay it because it was only a small cheat. I have no idea why women even would be interested in being with a man 10 years older than you, women just don't the realize power of manipulation a man can have with that much more experience, you cannot possibly cover that ground with any kind of "maturity" or "knowledge"...he'll always be 10 steps ahead of you...to the point you won't even see him as a bad guy because he's got all the bases covered or keep you in such a deep wormhole of narrow awareness that you might not ever see him for what he really is. Older men are usually more clever than this guy however, his game hasn't seemed to have improved much over the years. What you said in bold is so true. Women dont know it, but part of the game is that older guy let them THINK they are more mature than they really are. Thats just something the guy says to butter them up and make them think the relationship involves equals when in reality the dude control everything and can manipulate her at will. This isnt all of these relationship but surely many. Reminds me of my friend from after high school. At 19 she was dating a 29 year old classmate...and always thought she was more mature than she was. She said thats why she dated that dude because he was mature and she was always more mature for her age. Funny thing is that I never wanted to date her because I found her to be too immature. Suffice it so say those two arent together anymore and he was always insecure about her being around younger guys when she went out with friends. O wells.
Gold Pile Posted February 20, 2012 Posted February 20, 2012 ,.............Makes him nothing more than a horny, middle-aged con man.,,,,,,,,,, yeah, who needs that?
Recommended Posts