PlumPrincess Posted February 19, 2012 Posted February 19, 2012 Reason for my post...a complicated situation...there was a guy at work that really wanted to go out. He made it pretty obvious and clear. I was seeing someone at the time. I never accepted his invites and things eventually moved on. A manager also commented to him that he spent too much time in my cube. I have told him that I did not initiate that and that certain manager was the one who had the issue and he knows this and is okay with it. I am no longer seeing someone and we have been emailing and being friends. In emails I can't get a read on him as being too interested. He wasn't asking me out like I hoped so I finally asked him to lunch. In person, I was 100% sure he was interested. Very friendly, checking me out, lots of eye contact, smiling and laughing. He kept asking about my weekend plans and I asked about his...we were kind of dancing around it but he never came out and asked me to do something. (He did already have plans most of the weekend though) Two days later I have no patience...I decide to go ahead and ask if he would like to "hang out" again and he's said sure and asked what day would work for me but not really saying what we would do. It's as though he is leaving it open to me? I can't get a read on the guy. He had been very interested before. His emails seem lukewarm. In person he seems extremely interested. It's confusing. Is he wanting me to make the first move because management had asked him to back off of me at work? Did he lose interest and is trying to figure out if I'm trying to be friends or more than friends? Did he feel rejected before so now he wants to see what my interest is before making a move? I feel like it's going to have to come down to my making a move and being rejected or not to figure him out. By the way, I am considered attractive by a lot of men's standards in the office and have a popular personality. I don't think that's the issue but it's possible he lost interest back when he was rejected.... Are you sure he is single? Because, my guess is, he isn't.
carhill Posted February 19, 2012 Posted February 19, 2012 I can't get a read on the guy. He had been very interested before. His emails seem lukewarm. In person he seems extremely interested. It's confusing. There's often an expiration date on a man's (or woman's) interest. He *was* interested in you. In my neck of the woods, it's called 'timing'. I've been the victim of 'bad timing' many times. It is what it is. Your attractiveness and great personality are generally not a factor in timing, though I'm sure they will attract someone else, easing the concerns of the moment. Good luck.
fortyninethousand322 Posted February 19, 2012 Posted February 19, 2012 Honestly, I feel like that, too, and I think it's a very, very unhealthy mindset. Well I pretty much invented unhealthy dating mindsets so it should be of no surprise.
Author GG3 Posted February 20, 2012 Author Posted February 20, 2012 Are you sure he is single? Because, my guess is, he isn't. Yeah I've wondered that. I'm on his facebook account and it's "single." There isn't a girl on there posting things that I would interptret as someone who is interested in him or dating him. He seems pretty open about telling what he did over the weekends and includes basketball with the guys friday night, going to the game with the guys saturday and sunday studying... It still doesn't mean he isn't "dating" someone and that it isn't serious.
Author GG3 Posted February 20, 2012 Author Posted February 20, 2012 There's often an expiration date on a man's (or woman's) interest. He *was* interested in you. In my neck of the woods, it's called 'timing'. I've been the victim of 'bad timing' many times. It is what it is. Your attractiveness and great personality are generally not a factor in timing, though I'm sure they will attract someone else, easing the concerns of the moment. Good luck. Yeah that's what I'm wondering. With the way he's acting...I feel like the only way I'm going to find out for sure is by flat out asking or making a move and being rejected...or finding out some strange reason for his behavior, whatever it is.
Author GG3 Posted February 20, 2012 Author Posted February 20, 2012 however, when I have a girlfriend I politely bring it up. I never 'reject' a request but rather weave it into the conversation so not to hurt the person. As for not asking 'her' out first. I've ofter laid the groundwork and opened up a comfort zone. Sometimes I would have asked them out given a bit more time. 95% of my asking a woman out in life has been the casual date...some activity (again hiking, etc.) rather than 'the date'. What do you mean you never reject a request? You hang out with them anyway? Yes I've wondered...he hasn't dropped any hints that he is seeing someone and at lunch he was quite the opposite.
Anela Posted February 20, 2012 Posted February 20, 2012 When I had a dating profile, I put a message on there to men, that I didn't think they should write that women should message them, because I know that the majority of men wouldn't hesitate in messaging women they were really interested in. I did this after seeing the things they'd written on their profiles, that seemed to be quite rude, for the most part. I'd messaged a few guys, but I wasn't going to keep it up, because I didn't want to waste time with someone who would think me "average", when I hadn't thought the same thing of them - certain posts on this board, and then reading their profiles, left a bad taste in my mouth. I wasn't in a place to be handling rejection well, either. I was friendly to anyone who messaged me, though, and I split about even on positive responses, or no responses at all, to my messages when I had written.
Anela Posted February 20, 2012 Posted February 20, 2012 Honestly, I feel like that, too, and I think it's a very, very unhealthy mindset. I have felt that way, too.
musemaj11 Posted February 20, 2012 Posted February 20, 2012 No man is going to reject a woman who asks him out if he is attracted to her. Several times I rejected women who asked me out because I wasnt attracted to any of them. Its my dream to get asked out by an attractive woman. I want it to happen just once in my life.
zengirl Posted February 20, 2012 Posted February 20, 2012 As far as the OP goes, I'm interested in seeing how age impacts this question. I feel like generation does matter with this one. But if a woman is rejecting a man, it's very rarely about his appearance alone, or at least it's usually something EXTREMELY picky about his appearance. A girl could reject a guy for literally hundreds of reasons.... so a guy really shouldn't get too bent out of shape about the rejection, because it may have nothing to do with him, or may be too specific to even bother changing. But if a guy rejects a girl, it's because she's unattractive. Period. It IS about her, and it's usually something big, since guys aren't nit-picky like (some/most) women are. Heck, he might even be rejecting her FOR approaching him, seeing it as too masculine or desperate, so the very act of having courage makes the girl less attractive. I'm kind of insulted by this logic---it assumes that women are basically irrational in their reasons for rejecting men, it assumes your appearance is the sum total of what you are (at least as a woman, I guess), and it assumes that men have more 'valid' reasons for their rejection than women usually do; three assumptions that are certainly not true. The fact that you cannot see both men and women as PEOPLE and individuals is a bit disturbing, too! Men and women reject for a variety of reasons. I can tell you I have rejected many, many guys on the basis of their not being attractive to me, in terms of their appearance. I tried to do it nicely, sure, and I didn't see it as rejecting WHO they were. That's pretty intense. I know male friends who have rejected women because they weren't feeling up to dating, and I've done the same, but other than that, I cannot remember rejecting a guy for a nitpicky reason. It was always either: I wasn't attracted, I wasn't available, I wasn't into dating, I didn't think we'd have anything in common, or I thought he was a jerk. Right there, I think you have a basic list for why many men reject women as well. Sure, some people (I'd say men and women, as I've met weirdos of both genders) might reject someone for some super specific trait, but those people are usually honestly looking to reject people, for a variety of reasons (not emotionally available, self-protection, whatever). That's the difference between the rejections.... for girls getting rejected, it's infinitely more personal. No, it just FEELS more personal because you aren't socialized to learn to take it ("like a man" -- a phrase I hate btw). Believe it or not, many men feel rejection very deeply. Really, no one should -- it does not matter why a stranger rejects you. I understand someone taking it deeply when someone they love and are close to rejects them in some way, but that's not the typical case. That book I recommended to you (the Tao of Dating) suggests that you re-define rejection; in his case, he defines it as, "how someone reacts when I've acted maliciously," which puts it in his control and helps him cope with feelings of rejection. I'm sure you hate that idea because you think it's "not real" or whatever, but don't kid yourself that women feel rejection any more deeply than men. Yes, men show their feelings less. Socialization encourages and pretty much guarantees that. But the key word there is "shows." And, as EH pointed out, the more you're rejected, the more you realize it's not really going to end the world. It's actually those who fear rejection, try rarely, and feel constantly rejected who do the worst, not those who get rejected the most. Most successful people (at anything) have failed or gotten rejected A LOT.
Soxfaninfl Posted February 20, 2012 Posted February 20, 2012 Guys...do you like it when a woman asks you out? What are some of your reasons for not asking her out first? Yes, I like it when the women makes the first move. I'm usually flattered. Some times the women has beaten me to it. It's only happened a couples of times for me. I'm usually the aggressor.
EasyHeart Posted February 20, 2012 Posted February 20, 2012 As far as the OP goes, I'm interested in seeing how age impacts this question. I feel like generation does matter with this one.I'm pretty confident that younger people have an easier time with women asking out men, just as they have a much better handle on all gender matters. GenXers were the shock troops in the Gender War and to some extent we all fight it out within our relationships because it was such a huge part of our formative years. I've seen it in my relationships and I see it A LOT in my my friends' marriages. Millies seem to deal with gender matters much more easily (in part, no doubt, because of the work we oldsters did. Jes sayin')
Shaun-Dro Posted February 20, 2012 Posted February 20, 2012 Oh for the love of.... I'm saying stop taking girls' rejections personally. It rarely has anything to do with you. You can be the sweetest, hottest guy in the room (objectively) and a girl still may reject you. Sure, the rejection hurts, but realize it has way more to do with what's going on in the girl's head than it does with you, as a person. I'm very curious to know what you mean by this statement about women rejecting men based on her own internal issues. Does it have something to do with insecurities or the man in question finding things about her that'll eventually turn him off from her down the line, so she tries to just avoid it altogether? Please correct if I'm wrong.
Author GG3 Posted February 26, 2012 Author Posted February 26, 2012 So we went out one evening and while we talked all evening and had fun, I got no romantic signals from him. So afterwards when I got home, he was texting me and I asked him directly if he was interested in dating. He sort of danced around the topic, but the overall context of his messages was that if that manager had never told him to stop flirting at my desk, things would have been different. And that if I hadn't taken so long to talk him...etc, etc. Basically everything we had been talking about here. He is being cautious. We are friends for now.
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