How do I stop caring about what other people think about me?

[Ross MwcFan]

I think the main thing that holds me back in life, is caring so much about what other people think.

 

In certain situations, and with certain people, I also get hyper self concious.

 

Whenever I hear someone say that they really couldn't give a **** about what other people think of them, I always so wish that I could be like that.

 

I'm sure that I would be able to get a lot further in life if I was like that, and life would just feel so much more comfortable.

[johan]

People who say they don't care what others think about them are generally saying that precisely because they care what the people they are saying it to think about them.

 

It's not right to disregard what others think of you, if you want to be the least bit social.

 

What is a better approach is to balance how others react to you to what you think about yourself. Objectively. If you are being criticized for something, is it important or superficial? Would changing it cause you to violate your core values or compromise your identity?

 

The first and most important thing to do is get in touch with your core values and discover your identity. That's the foundation you need. Without those things, all you can go on is how you think others feel about you, and you end up depressed because you want their approval to substitute for your own. That's never enough.

 

What others think is important. But what you think is also important. That's where I recommend you focus. Discover yourself. Get out of the house.

[florence of suburbia]

You never stop caring what they think but as you overcome obstacles in life you gain perspective and balance. I solidified my own self image after I started setting goals for myself and then taking baby steps to reach them.

 

After a more or less successful couple of years doing this, I proved to myself what my strengths are. I have concrete evidence of those strengths in my accomplishments, regardless of whether other people can see them or not, and that is where my self image comes from.

 

Other people may think differently about me but they're wrong.

Edited February 18, 2012 by florence of suburbia

[beautifulearth83]

I was heard it said, along the lines of "There is a difference between not caring what other people think and not minding what other people think."

 

When you don't care what people think, it's more resistant, like F* you, buddy, I don't care what you think! Then you go and drink whiskey and everybody thinks you're an *hole.

 

Not minding what other people think involves continually standing in your own space and letting in move through you without any reactions. You're then able to take certain comments that you feel are constructive toward your well-being as you choose.

 

Sometimes people say things that hurt us at first, especially if we take them too seriously, but often there is a grain of truth and wisdom in it.

 

Recently, somebody at work made a comment about my appearance. I took it personally and continued with this who cares what anybody think screw the system attitude. But I cut my hair and shaved my beard and it has had so many positive affects on my life. Of course I would like to grow my hair out again and just do whatever I want one day, but I've learned that sometimes it is ok to adapt a little bit and focus more on who you are inside, which is more important anyway.

 

You could dress me in pink and tell everybody that I have a small penis, but I could still feel like a good dude or an excellent grilled cheese maker inside. But who you are inside even goes beyond that.

[Feelin Frisky]

Do you think you are the only person who thinks this way? The fact is that everyone has varying degrees of concern about how others will perceive them. You have to stop thinking and feeling that you are being scrutinized by people who themselves have no fears, worries or concerns about themselves. Though they may not show it, most everyone feels the nervousness of exposure to dismissal if not ridicule. That's why people have drank around social events for eons. They feel naked and scrutinized but don't stop to think that so does everyone else (with few exceptions). Ross, you have to stop thinking that others aren't having the same feelings and fears.

[Star Gazer]

To quote Dr. Seuss: "Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind."

[Teknoe]

Battlefield of the Mind, by Joyce Meyer.

 

Read it, Ross

[carhill]

How do I stop caring about what other people think about me?

 

'Caring' is a cognitive processing of emotions, so it can be molded and altered. You can still 'feel' the value of your experiences with others, their opinions and perspectives but you 'think' through it differently than currently.

 

For myself, once in similar circumstances, I found two major areas of focus helped:

 

1. Professional psychological therapy

 

2. Building and maintaining strong and healthy friendships with a select group of men.

 

The therapy provided tools to change the processing and the friendships provided the base for social confidence, essentially 'having my back' and reminding me that I am loved and accepted and 'cared about' in a positive way by people who matter.

 

You're at that age now (mid 30's) where such paths can really take hold. You get it. All you have to do is the work. Once you see the other side, you'll understand the process so much more clearly.

 

Lastly, being a human being is an imperfect experience. Accept your imperfections and life experiences and embrace them. Life is a gift. Cherish it. Good luck.

[Kamille]

Every day, I stand in front of a group of young adults as I learn how to teach. Not only do they fill out evaluations for the university, they can also rate me on ratemyprof and, of course, they can talk about me amongst themselves. (Studies actually show that talking about profs increases student success! It means they're figuring out prof expectations.) Here is what I learned: you can't please everyone. Some students like me, some students don't and most of them don't really care. Much the same way, what might seem stupid to one person will look ingenious to another and won't be noticed by most. And, the even more important realization, for me, was this: my enjoyment of teaching is something separate from what students think about my teaching.

 

It's good that you've identified that your anxieties about how others perceive you are contributing to depression. It's good that you're trying to figure out how to mind what others think less. Teaching was a blessing for me as it forced me to realize the following: there is no social consensus about me out there. The same action can be liked by one person and disliked by another. The only way for me to manage this is to focus on what I enjoy. That way, the people who like my actions will be drawn to me, and those who don't will stay out of my life... ah I mean, classes.

[Kamille]

Let me sump up my previous post in another way:

 

I happen to know for a fact that some people don't hold me in the highest esteem. And still, that won't stop me from shamelessly flirting with the good people on the off-topic thread.

[Ross MwcFan]

People who say they don't care what others think about them are generally saying that precisely because they care what the people they are saying it to think about them.

 

It's not right to disregard what others think of you, if you want to be the least bit social.

 

What is a better approach is to balance how others react to you to what you think about yourself. Objectively. If you are being criticized for something, is it important or superficial? Would changing it cause you to violate your core values or compromise your identity?

 

The first and most important thing to do is get in touch with your core values and discover your identity. That's the foundation you need. Without those things, all you can go on is how you think others feel about you, and you end up depressed because you want their approval to substitute for your own. That's never enough.

 

What others think is important. But what you think is also important. That's where I recommend you focus. Discover yourself. Get out of the house.

 

But surely there's somewhere where you draw the line though.

 

I mean, if I wanted to play some music in my car that I liked, but which I would know sounds corny to other people, should I feel embarrassed about it, and not play the music because of what other people would think?

 

Should I care about looking odd by going for a walk on my own in the country and therefore not go, or should I not care what others think?

 

If a girl calls me ugly, should I care about that and really take it to heart and feel upset about it? I think most guys wouldn't give crap.

 

I think to the extent that I care what others think of me, is crippling my life, and is a big conttribution to why I haven't really got anywhere in life, and why I'm so afraid all the time.

Edited February 19, 2012 by Ross MwcFan

[johan]

But surely there's somewhere where you draw the line though.

 

I mean, if I wanted to play some music in my car that I liked, but which I would know sounds corny to other people, should I feel embarrassed about it, and not play the music because of what other people would think?

 

Should I care about looking odd by going for a walk on my own in the country and therefore not go, or should I not care what others think?

 

If a girl calls me ugly, should I care about that and really take it to heart and feel upset about it? I think most guys wouldn't give crap.

 

I think to the extent that I care what others think of me, is crippling my life, and is a big conttribution to why I haven't really got anywhere in life, and why I'm so afraid all the time.

 

You know where to draw the line when you know what are your values. You don't have to adopt the opinion of everyone else if you know why what you're doing is good and important.

 

It's that simple, Ross.

 

Do you love the music for good reasons that are important to you?

 

Is a walk in the country by yourself something you think is important? Does it do you good to do it? And do you know why?

 

Could the girl who rejects you really have any idea of the things about you that are worth knowing? Or do you just assume she knows you better than you do?

 

If I took a woman's rejection as a valid assessment of who I am, then I would feel miserable, too. But that isn't logical. She doesn't know anything about me. The fact that she isn't interested in getting to know more could be due to a whole lot of reasons that have nothing to do with me. It almost always is.

 

She could be anti-social or depressed or content with life the way it is or lesbian or dating someone she's really hot for or married or she just got dumped or who knows what else. The fact is, she doesn't know me, so she has incomplete information to base her cost-benefit analysis on. But she has to make a decision, so she goes with what she knows. Too bad for me, if she isn't interested. I have a life to live whether she wants to be part of it or not.

Edited February 19, 2012 by johan

[Ross MwcFan]

You know where to draw the line when you know what are your values. You don't have to adopt the opinion of everyone else if you know why what you're doing is good and important.

 

It's that simple, Ross.

 

Do you love the music for good reasons that are important to you?

 

Is a walk in the country by yourself something you think is important? Does it do you good to do it? And do you know why?

 

Could the girl who rejects you really have any idea of the things about you that are worth knowing? Or do you just assume she knows you better than you do?

 

If I took a woman's rejection as a valid assessment of who I am, then I would feel miserable, too. But that isn't logical. She doesn't know anything about me. The fact that she isn't interested in getting to know more could be due to a whole lot of reasons that have nothing to do with me. It almost always is.

 

She could be anti-social or depressed or content with life the way it is or lesbian or dating someone she's really hot for or married or she just got dumped or who knows what else. The fact is, she doesn't know me, so she has incomplete information to base her cost-benefit analysis on.

 

Yes I love the music for reasons that are important to me.

 

Yes I think maybe going for walks in the country may be important for me and do me good. Because it'll get me more used to just getting out there on my own, doing something I like, and hopefully it'll help me to not be so scared of getting out there and doing things without being afraid all the time.

 

I wouldn't take the woman's judgement as a valid assesment of who I am. I was thinking more like, thinking that because she thinks I'm ugly, then I must be ugly, and then feeling really down because of that. Or just feeling down because of the fact a woman has insulted me, because that must mean that I come across as looser to her, like I can just be spoken to like that.

 

I'm not really sure how getting out of the house will help me discover myself. Maybe I already have discovered myself. I mean, I know who I am and what I like. And I think I know what my values are.

Edited February 19, 2012 by Ross MwcFan

[johan]

I wouldn't take the woman's judgement as a valid assesment of who I am.

Contradicts

I was thinking more like, thinking that because she thinks I'm ugly, then I must be ugly, and then feeling really down because of that.

 

 

And you'd better find a way to deal with this kind of anger.

Or just feeling down because of the fact a woman has insulted me, because that must mean that I come across as looser to her, like I can just be spoken to like that.

[Kamille]

But surely there's somewhere where you draw the line though.

 

There are many ways to draw that line. Generally it's an internal compass about one of the following

1) your health and wellbeing (are the relaxation benefits of going for walk better than the cost of potentially being judged for going on a walk?)

2) joy/happiness/laughter (will playing "The Safety Dance" cheer you up so much that it will cancel out whatever other people think? (I suggest putting it on and encouraging them to sing along, by the way).

3) your moral compass (would you think I was less worthy of respect if I told you someone once told me I was ugly? I'm guessing the answer is no. If anything, the person who deserves judgement in the scenario is the one going around calling people ugly. So you need to apply the same rules to yourself: you're worthy of respect. Plus, I remember your pics, you're not ugly. But yes, it's normal that such a comment hurts - the guys who say it doesn't hurt are lying. It just doesn't define who you are and doesn't actually mean you're ugly.)

 

List incomplete. I'm sure there are other compasses that can help you decide how to handle other people's opinion of you. But don't get me wrong - it isn't about becoming immune to judgement. We all have to deal with what other people think. The point is that your sense of wellbeing should always trump the potential opinion of others.

[Ross MwcFan]

Contradicts

 

How is it contradicting?

 

 

 

And you'd better find a way to deal with this kind of anger.

 

What I wrote has nothing to do with anger.

[johan]

Come on, Ross. You can't see how the one statement is a total contradiction of the other?

 

And after re-reading you post, I agree with the anger thing. I would revise my response and say both of those statements are contradiction of the first. And to be honest, understanding that is going to lead you to solving many of your problems.

[Ross MwcFan]

Come on, Ross. You can't see how the one statement is a total contradiction of the other?

 

And after re-reading you post, I agree with the anger thing. I would revise my response and say both of those statements are contradiction of the first. And to be honest, understanding that is going to lead you to solving many of your problems.

 

When you was talking about a woman making a valid assesment of who I am, I took it as you ment, who I am inside/as a person. A woman thinking you look ugly, isn't anything to do with making a judgment on me as a person. So I wouldn't take it as a valid assment of who I am. I may take it as a valid assesment of how I look however, and I did actually used to do that.

 

As for her thinking I come across as a loser and that I can be spoken to like that, again it would be because of how I look, or come across, and I would feel down because of that and think I probably come across/look that way to most other people. But I guess it would make me feel like a loser inside. So maybe I would be taking that as a valid assement of who I am.

 

Another contribution to that, would be that I may not stick up for myself, or stick up for myself but make myself look foolish in the way I went about it, and therefore feel like I've reacted loserish to that, which would be 'me' making a valid assesment of who I am as a person.

Edited February 19, 2012 by Ross MwcFan

[johan]

Look at it this way: you go to a job interview, and the interviewer says several demeaning things that imply he thinks you're stupid. Then he doesn't hire you, and he rolls his eyes and shakes his head as you leave.

 

How do you take that?

 

1) I never want to be judged like that again. He looked into my soul and saw that I truly am stupid and should never have even applied. I'm going home now and immerse myself in Zelda.

 

Or

 

2) That guy is clearly disturbed. I'm not stupid, and even if I was he still could have been nice about it. He won't last long in his position if that's how he treats people. On to the next interview.

 

In the first case, you take his assessment as valid. In the second, you are objective and fair about it, and there isn't a strong reaction because it is not your problem.

 

And my hypothetical interviewer was male, by the way, because women should really be doing things at home and not out doing things like trying to mange people or make decisions.

[florence of suburbia]

women should really be doing things at home and not out doing things like trying to mange people or make decisions.

 

I've always wanted to mange someone. Now that I know it can be a verb, I think I shall.

 

In all seriousness, the job interview example is a good one. To take it one step further, I would think after that interview: "Well, now I know for sure this place wouldn't be a good fit for me. They don't get me, and I don't get them. Glad I don't work here."

[johan]

I've always wanted to mange someone. Now that I know it can be a verb, I think I shall.

 

Stupid iPad.