A few weeks since BU; what now?

[jus d'orange]

Hi everyone,

 

I'm a 21 year old guy and college student. My girlfriend of 3 years and 8 months broke up with me just under 3 weeks ago. We'd always been a long distance relationship, because although we'd met and become friends in high school together, she went off to college the year before I did, right as we transitioned into being a couple. Anyway, I'll try to keep this short...

 

Some quick background:

She was my first serious girlfriend; I'd always thought myself the sort of person who would stay single forever, but I fell in love with her while she and I were friends, and pursued her passionately until, after nearly a year, she began to reciprocate on the feelings. The first year of the relationship was rough-- she was unfaithful to me twice (the 2nd time on a break that she took under the guise of needing time, but really wanting to act on a crush she had). Anyway, we were younger and less mature, and I forgave her eventually. We ended up building a really strong bond. We had very similar goals for our futures, supported each others' personal growth in healthy ways, and talked often of spending the rest of our lives together. It was a fabulous dream that I slowly saw coming more true over time. We'd see each other about once a month throughout the year (her family moved out of our home town, so not easy to see each other during breaks), and last summer I spent a wonderful month living at her apartment. We'd always talked about the fears of what would happen when we had to deal with closeness versus the sometimes idealized world of LDR, and that month proved to both of us that we really worked well together. It was a very happy time in my life.

 

The past 6 months, partially because of the abrupt transition back to LDR, we fought often. We had a couple fights where she tried to convince me that we needed to move in together and have one of us postpone our school until the other was done. I said no because I knew that that wasn't the best thing for the relationship or for us as individuals. We fought about other, sillier things too, including some insecurities that she had. I tend to be a bit of a bickerer, and it all came to a head in November and December when we came close to breaking up a couple of times. I promised to change the way I was doing things, and, without doing it perfectly, was carrying through on my promises. We stopped fighting with such frequency, were being more realistic, etc. She came to visit for 10 days in January; things felt much more like how they should have been. We hardly fought, had a lot of fun together, were passionately intimate, and even handled the goodbye better than we always had.

 

However, the days immediately following, she was distant and didn't communicate back as quickly as she usually did. I endeavored to be understanding and, without bitterness, asked her to please keep in better touch with me. She then told me that she'd been feeling "weird about us" again, and proceeded to tell me over the next couple of days that she wanted a break ~3 months long. She wanted to be single, to date other people, to explore her sexuality with others, saying that she didn't feel in love with me anymore (but still loved and cared for me deeply), and would never be able to commit to me unless she had seen what else there was.

 

At first, I kept it together, but I gradually began to panic. We didn't talk much for a few days, except for me sending her texts to which she wouldn't respond. In addition, I had an episode of hurting myself, which was something I'd struggled with in high school; she is one of the few people who knows I've dealt with such things. I was shocked at myself for it happening, and I think it only pushed her further away from me. Since the break-up, I haven't had that issue again, and have had plenty of opportunity to reflect on what it means.

 

Anyway, I wrote her a long message detailing my feelings for her, and ultimately ending with the fact that I loved her enough to realize that she deserved to walk free from us and find out if she wanted me forever or not. I sent that to her and told her that I'd relaxed enough and thought enough to talk to her about the break. We video-chatted and she read my message, crying as she read it. I then talked to her a bit more about how much I believed and supported her, despite how it hurt me and made me uncomfortable. She then surprised me by saying that she actually wanted to break up completely. We talked for a little while after that, but ultimately we agreed not to talk for a few weeks; to take time for both of us to heal and to begin moving on.

 

Since then, I haven't communicated with her in any way. I unfriended her on Facebook, filed away all of the personal affects from the relationship in a box in my closet, cleaned up the pictures we had together on my computer, etc. I got in touch with my family and old friends and really opened up to them, getting some excellent advice. There have been days of triumph, where I felt like I was gaining control again -- working out seriously, registering for my first marathon, staying on top of my school work, finally appreciating how lucky I am with everything else in my life, etc. I read and have been reading a lot about break-ups and reconciliation and no contact -- all of these things were totally new to me. I read about how I shouldn't have panicked and how that only pushed her further away, but I realized I couldn't blame myself for that. There have also been very hard days, where I feel very down and lonely. In some ways, I struggle with the fact that both of us felt, right up until the end, that we would have been happy together in the future (she told me so and I agreed). I felt like what I have lost wasn't something that would only have gotten worse. However, I also know that you can't be with someone who doesn't want to be with you.

 

I know I am neither at the beginning nor the end of this journey, and that I've neither done everything right nor everything wrong. It is an abrupt shift to suddenly have an integral part of my future, self-identity, and happiness exit my life right as it seemed we were turning a corner. Nevertheless, I admire her courage in telling me the truth and know that, once we have both moved on and learned what we will, only then could a reconciliation take place, and only then if we both wanted it. Otherwise, I am trying to remind myself that I can be happy single, with someone else, or with her, but most importantly I need to be strong and happy with myself.

 

Thanks for reading this really long post; I'm sure I'm not the only one who tends to want to write a lot about their break-up though! I'm looking for advice on how to keep going forward and avoid those days where I bring myself down, look at old pictures of us, imagine her beautiful face and smile, and generally just self-pity into a broken state. I'm also wondering what to do if/when she gets in touch with me. I don't intend to break the NC, because she initiated the break-up, but she did say "let's not talk for a few weeks," and a few would be sometime between now and 6 weeks, I'd think.

[Kamille]

The first heartbreak is the hardest to deal with - and yet, you seem to have a great handle on things.

 

I don't have much advice to offer. The clichés are true: the best thing you can do right now is focus on living your life as best you can. Explore its possibilities. Do new things.

 

Bes of luck jus d'orange!

[jerbear]

I don't intend to break the NC' date=' because she initiated the break-up, but she did say "let's not talk for a few weeks," and a few would be sometime between now and 6 weeks, I'd think.[/quote']

 

It might not even be 6 weeks. Ex's may come back moths and years later.

 

All you can do now is continue doing what you want to do. Putting the effects in a box and in a closet is a good first step.

[rAFC]

The first thing you need to realize is that the entire world is all in your mind. If you believe something about yourself, you make it true. If you believe you are terrible at math, you will have a hard time with math. If you believe you can't live without your ex, you will make yourself miserable when she isn't there. Start believing, today, NOW that you will be fine without her. You WILL be fine without her if you can accept that you will. You found her didn't you? Trust in yourself that you can find a BETTER woman than her, a woman who KNOWS that she wants to be with you. You deserve that, you WILL get that as long as you believe that you will. In fact, this girl did you a favor by setting you free so that the RIGHT woman can find you!

 

As for women, or people in general, they want what they can't have. You have thrown yourself at her, told her that even though she broke your heart that you still love her! This is showing a lack of self respect on your part, which I can assure you is a very unattractive trait. Let her go, don't explain to her any further why you can't be her friend. She broke things off with you. You (should) have more self respect than to want anything to do with her.

 

If she were to ever come back to you, it will only be when you have fully moved on from her. This is the sad irony of "love", but it goes back to the part of human nature that tells us that we want what we can't have. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you, you are in school and are going to be someone in life. Don't let any person get in your way of that.

 

Good luck, and don't forget to remind yourself that you WILL be fine without her! If you can accept this, then the best is yet to come!

Edited February 20, 2012 by rAFC

[jus d'orange]

Thanks everyone; this is all great advice and reaffirming so much of what I've been convincing myself of. Some days are harder than the day before, but I'm definitely making progress.

 

@rAFC... thanks-- this is an especially good reminder. She's been such a big part of my identity in becoming an adult that it's strange to imagine being an adult without her. But you're right; I will be fine, no matter if I'm with someone or not. I've also been reminding myself that, if I can't help but love someone who doesn't truly love me back, then I can still do the right thing and give her the space she wants.

 

A question about if she does try to get in touch with me... should I respond? I have set things I'd like to say to her -- not about professing love or asking her to come back at all, but about apologizing for not being as mature as I could have been about the end of the relationship, for instance. Is it worth it to respond? Or should I tell her we need longer? I don't honestly know how much time I need NC. Initially she said she still wanted to be friends, but I don't think I could be friends with her (as sad as that is), at least not for a while.

Edited February 20, 2012 by jus d'orange

[jus d'orange]

In addition to the question I posted yesterday, I also want some advice on how to deal with the feeling of shame I have from lowering my self-respect in front of her and trying hard to get her to stay. During the week-long period when she wanted a break instead of a break-up was when most of this happened; when she said she wanted a break-up instead, I handled it much more calmly, going NC a few hours later, telling her positively that no matter where she went in life, I believed in her. The moment she first said she wanted the break-up, I did break down and cry, but I managed to pull myself together after a minute or two. I also recognize that I probably aided the end of the relationship by not conceding to her desire for space and a break immediately. Well... that's the past.

 

I know there isn't really a "good" response to someone leaving you, but the week prior to the break-up (hurting myself, trying to convince her to stay), and some of the moments since (looking at her Facebook, despite the fact that we aren't friends), have really stuck in my mind. These were only moments of serious weakness in an otherwise good recovery, but they're making it hard to feel good about how I let things go. I'd hate to think that her last images of the relationship are me at my worst. While I know I shouldn't be concerned of what she thinks of me, it has been affecting my healing process.

 

Thanks... I know this is a tough question.

Edited February 21, 2012 by jus d'orange

[Follower]

I just like you handled the breaking up part of the breakup childishly and not in my usual mature fashion so dont worry.

 

A friend of mine helped me get through a little of the shame with this comment, while it made me resent him at the time you may see the wisdom i see in it now.

 

"You did what you had to do to comprehend what was a serious and unjustified offense, the thing you need to remember is that she has done what she has to do and moved on, do the same" -Mark K

 

I know that i remember the good things in my relationship and for me that is enough, if she remembers me in a bad way she will never come back but thats ok only because i know that i enjoyed the good moments and those are the ones i want to cherish.

 

The thing i get from Marks statement is that if you remember the crap and the bad things you will always feel bad about the relationship and you will eminate this to everyone around you including your ex which will make them see the relationship all bad.

 

Consider this also when your feeling upbeat and possitive and your talking to your mates about the good times and how much you miss her(in the possitive fashion not the I need to speak right now fashion, we all go through that rollercoaster) they speak kindly aswell. When your negative about how much you miss her and speak about how much you need to contact her, they speak badly of the relationship dont they?

 

Hope that helps mate.