Why don't you think you can become more attractive??

[ThaWholigan]

This is more towards the men, but women are free to respond as I know there are some who feel the same.....

 

I have always believed I had the potential to be an attractive person, even at my lowest. I am lucky that despite my inability to date, I have garnered interest from women at many points in my life without even knowing it. I suspect that this may be the same for many people here. I know there are things I can do to be more attractive, such as improving my self-esteem organically, getting fitter, better grooming, more style, being a better conversationalist, and being emotionally stable to supplement the core personality traits that I currently hold.

 

Now, it seems that many have either grudgingly accepted their reality without hope or desire to improve, or they think that everyone else is the problem, or a combo of both. Now, when the topic is brought up of improvement, progression and the P word that is positivity, it is dismissed as fruitless despite the significant possibility that it could actually aid them out of the loop of negativity that they are in now. I am fortunate that despite being autistic and having low self-confidence throughout my growing up, that I have had help from some of the closest around me to realize how gifted I am and that I can be positive and progress to an extremely high level of life.

 

Do you really think that even the mentality of thinking this way is beyond you?? If so then why? And it's not being ignorant of one's flaws either, so why is it seen as delusional???

 

Discuss

[Cracker Jack]

I guess most write it off as "delusional" because they've been stuck in the same cycle for so long. When one gets used to experiencing rejection/lack of interest from women for so long, they can't help but feel hopeless about their situation. It's really easy for some people to place focus on self-improvement, but for others, it can be quite a task. It requires a complete change in mindset, and we know how tough that can be.

 

As someone who thought like this some yrs back, I often felt like it was too late for me to become an attractive guy (despite hearing otherwise) because of my way of thinking, and well, lack of experience in understanding how to attract women. I just began to consider myself unattractive, but that was just an easy way out because I was "ok" with doing nothing to make changes.

 

Look you, I've garnered positive attention from women...even in obvious situations, but my mindset stood in the way of doing anything about it. I usually thought "eh, probably just a joke, what would she see in me?" or something foolish like that because that was simply my way of thinking back then. I felt like I wasn't worthy of anything like that.

 

When I took time to analyze myself, I could see some of my main issues (Not being open, always talking down on myself, etc) clearly. Once I realized these were things I could actually improve on, it helped me realize I have what it takes to change my current level and become much better in attracting women and become a more well-rounded individual in general.

 

When I'd take little glimpses into my potential future, the possibility of have retaining the same mindset yrs later, making the same mistakes, complaining about the same stuff....helped me understand that I have to start things differently if I want to enjoy life and avoid staying in the bitter status. I think we're all capable of it, but how we make that transition can be either very easy or very difficult when considering the various circumstances.

Edited February 18, 2012 by Cracker Jack

[ThaWholigan]

I guess most write it off as "delusional" because they've been stuck in the same cycle for so long. When one gets used to experiencing rejection/lack of interest from women for so long, they can't help but feel hopeless about their situation. It's really easy for some people to place focus on self-improvement, but for others, it can be quite a task. It requires a complete change in mindset, and we know how tough that can be.

 

As someone who thought like this some yrs back, I often felt like it was too late for me to become an attractive guy (despite hearing otherwise) because of my way of thinking, and well, lack of experience in understanding how to attract women. I just began to consider myself unattractive, but that was just an easy way out because I was "ok" with doing nothing to make changes.

 

Look you, I've garnered positive attention from women...even in obvious situations, but my mindset stood in the way of doing anything about it. I usually thought "eh, probably just a joke, what would she see in me?" or something foolish like that because that was simply my way of thinking back then. I felt like I wasn't worthy of anything like that.

 

When I took time to analyze myself, I could see some of my main issues (Not being open, always talking down on myself, etc) clearly. Once I realized these were things I could actually improve on, it helped me realize I have what it takes to change my current level and become much better in attracting women and become a more well-rounded individual in general.

 

When I'd take little glimpses into my potential future, the possibility of have retaining the same mindset yrs later, making the same mistakes, complaining about the same stuff....helped me understand that I have to start things differently if I want to enjoy life and avoid staying in the bitter status. I think we're all capable of it, but how we make that transition can be either very easy or very difficult when considering the various circumstances.

 

Great post.

 

I'd imagine that the transition made also depends upon which pain is more bearable.

 

The pain of being rejected or ostracized in some way for even daring to progress in life and in dating, or the pain of sinking into the background and never taking a risk and therefore being 2nd rate. I know which pain I can take

[Cracker Jack]

Thanks. And yeah, I agree completely. I think with rejection, you'll at least have data points to analyze so you can make changes to your approaches. If you do nothing, you'll never know where you stand. Like they say, "no pain, no gain." Most believe rejection only elaborates on their mindset that they're unattractive, but what does not risking rejection do?

[fortyninethousand322]

To me, attractiveness is more than about physical attributes (keeping well groomed, dressing nicely, having big muscles, etc.) there is also a psychological vibe somewhat playful, somewhat sexual that makes men (and women) attractive to the opposite sex.

 

Attractiveness is what makes a woman flattered, rather than annoyed when you express interest in her. Not that women will always be interested in return but they're generally not creeped out by your interest.

 

In any case when you're a guy (I suppose girls experience this too but I can't comment on that) who has only experienced women being annoyed by your interest in them you start feeling like maybe you shouldn't be interested in any woman until she's given you permission to do so. You learn from this that you are not in control of your dating life and you learn helplessness.

 

I don't know if I can improve and I'm largely mad at myself for being an almost 24 year old completely inexperienced guy. This anger is largely what keeps me from becoming more attractive to women. I understand this now, but I'm not yet willing to do what it takes to change it. Just how it is right now for me.

[AD1980]

I just think some people dont have that intangible to attract the opposite sex..Phermones whatever it is while some of us may be decent on paper and seemingly in general but something just doesnt click with the opposite sex..

 

I remember a friend of mine who cant get women and seemingly drives them away..Me my friend and his wife were talking about him and she was saying how hes good on paper has a job car decent shape maybe not the most handsome face but not hideous yet just something inherently about him turns women off she said..

 

Said he doesnt seem fertile and other things about masculine energy..

 

I dont think this is anyhting he can consciously change its the core of who he is and it turns women off so hes at a severe disadvantage

[ThaWholigan]

To me, attractiveness is more than about physical attributes (keeping well groomed, dressing nicely, having big muscles, etc.) there is also a psychological vibe somewhat playful, somewhat sexual that makes men (and women) attractive to the opposite sex.

 

Attractiveness is what makes a woman flattered, rather than annoyed when you express interest in her. Not that women will always be interested in return but they're generally not creeped out by your interest.

 

In any case when you're a guy (I suppose girls experience this too but I can't comment on that) who has only experienced women being annoyed by your interest in them you start feeling like maybe you shouldn't be interested in any woman until she's given you permission to do so. You learn from this that you are not in control of your dating life and you learn helplessness.

 

I don't know if I can improve and I'm largely mad at myself for being an almost 24 year old completely inexperienced guy. This anger is largely what keeps me from becoming more attractive to women. I understand this now, but I'm not yet willing to do what it takes to change it. Just how it is right now for me.

 

Very honest post this. I understand. Last paragraph really resonates as I was debating this with myself before the end of last year. Now I have past something of a milestone and I feel I'm ready to proceed. I'm sure things will turnaround very soon, almost in a quantum leap fashion.

 

Also agree that it is also attitude as well as looks, perhaps even more so.

 

I just think some people dont have that intangible to attract the opposite sex..Phermones whatever it is while some of us may be decent on paper and seemingly in general but something just doesnt click with the opposite sex..

 

I remember a friend of mine who cant get women and seemingly drives them away..Me my friend and his wife were talking about him and she was saying how hes good on paper has a job car decent shape maybe not the most handsome face but not hideous yet just something inherently about him turns women off she said..

 

Said he doesnt seem fertile and other things about masculine energy..

 

I dont think this is anyhting he can consciously change its the core of who he is and it turns women off so hes at a severe disadvantage

 

Bolded is very interesting. I think that most men CAN actually turn this around, it is a matter of getting all the simple mechanics in place to make sure this changes. Change up the diet, change surroundings, read more, expand your character, there's many things one can do. I think it's all possible. If you can introduce the right things to influence your sub-conscious mind then things certainly will change.

[verhrzn]

While it's great you conquered your issues, not everyone has either the skills or support to address theirs. You said right in your post that you were able to figure out what's wrong... so nature gifted you both the flaws, and the ability to fix those flaws. For some people, they only got the flaws without either the knowledge or the ability to change them. We all have our crosses to carry, and there are some problems that are insurmountable.

 

You also have to credit at least some of your success to luck. You had women paying attention to you, even if you were only dimly aware of it. These experiences were enough to point out your disordered thinking. The proof did not fit the conclusion, as it were. The truth, that you actually were attractive, was undeniable, if hard for you (in your disordered thinking) to accept.

 

I can't speak for everyone, but for me, the whole "positive thinking/attitude" thing is useless because I have no proof that my attitude is the problem to begin with. Evidence from my life supports my theory that there is really nothing I can change to improve my attractiveness, short of drastic measures.

 

You had proof that your thinking was disordered. I have proof that my thinking is not disordered... that my thinking is actually correct. That how the world sees me, and how I see myself, are similar. So why change my "attitude" when my attitude is not the problem?

[alphamale]

unless your naturally good looking in the face with a good body it takes a lot of $$$ to compensate in other areas

[FitChick]

By trying to improve your looks, you have nothing to lose and everything to gain. Even in career, the better looking people get the promotions and make more money, all things being equal. Just being out doing errands and shopping, you will be treated better.

 

Once you look good, you will have eliminated one excuse as to why you can't get dates.

[somedude81]

While it's great you conquered your issues, not everyone has either the skills or support to address theirs. You said right in your post that you were able to figure out what's wrong... so nature gifted you both the flaws, and the ability to fix those flaws. For some people, they only got the flaws without either the knowledge or the ability to change them. We all have our crosses to carry, and there are some problems that are insurmountable.

 

You also have to credit at least some of your success to luck. You had women paying attention to you, even if you were only dimly aware of it. These experiences were enough to point out your disordered thinking. The proof did not fit the conclusion, as it were. The truth, that you actually were attractive, was undeniable, if hard for you (in your disordered thinking) to accept.

 

I can't speak for everyone, but for me, the whole "positive thinking/attitude" thing is useless because I have no proof that my attitude is the problem to begin with. Evidence from my life supports my theory that there is really nothing I can change to improve my attractiveness, short of drastic measures.

 

You had proof that your thinking was disordered. I have proof that my thinking is not disordered... that my thinking is actually correct. That how the world sees me, and how I see myself, are similar. So why change my "attitude" when my attitude is not the problem?

It's amazing how similarly we think.

 

I pretty much could have written the same thing.

[PlumPrincess]

It's amazing how similarly we think.

 

I pretty much could have written the same thing.

Why don't you two elope? Ride into the sunset together. Make little babies together. Off, off, you go.

 

By the way, great minds think alike.

[verhrzn]

Why don't you two elope? Ride into the sunset together. Make little babies together. Off, off, you go.

 

Because his problem is not his attractiveness, but that he just gets stuck on an individual girl. All he needs is to approach more girls, and he'd be fine. Plus I'm too unattractive for his tastes.

[PlumPrincess]

Because his problem is not his attractiveness, but that he just gets stuck on an individual girl. All he needs is to approach more girls, and he'd be fine. Plus I'm too unattractive for his tastes.

Someduuude, here's your chance. Please, don't f*ck it up.

[alphamale]

Once you look good, you will have eliminated one excuse as to why you can't get dates.

you know how many of those guys are scared as hell to ask a bird out?

[Necromancer]

To many women are to harsh on looks, a guy that is in an incredible shape(muscular),wears expensive clothes,takes care of him self......may be called disgusting by women if he doesn´t have naturally good face, i have seen it happen few times.

 

But i take care of myself,wear expensive clothes and work out.

[alphamale]

But i take care of myself,wear expensive clothes and work out.

and how many females mouths have you ejaculated inside?

[ThaWholigan]

While it's great you conquered your issues, not everyone has either the skills or support to address theirs. You said right in your post that you were able to figure out what's wrong... so nature gifted you both the flaws, and the ability to fix those flaws. For some people, they only got the flaws without either the knowledge or the ability to change them. We all have our crosses to carry, and there are some problems that are insurmountable.

 

You also have to credit at least some of your success to luck. You had women paying attention to you, even if you were only dimly aware of it. These experiences were enough to point out your disordered thinking. The proof did not fit the conclusion, as it were. The truth, that you actually were attractive, was undeniable, if hard for you (in your disordered thinking) to accept.

 

I can't speak for everyone, but for me, the whole "positive thinking/attitude" thing is useless because I have no proof that my attitude is the problem to begin with. Evidence from my life supports my theory that there is really nothing I can change to improve my attractiveness, short of drastic measures.

 

You had proof that your thinking was disordered. I have proof that my thinking is not disordered... that my thinking is actually correct. That how the world sees me, and how I see myself, are similar. So why change my "attitude" when my attitude is not the problem?

 

I guess so.....have never thought about it that way before, I guess that is because I always believed that everybody has the capacity to do the things I have been able to do. I still believe that though. I don't know you so I can't say it's your attitude anyway, I can only speculate.

 

It's amazing how similarly we think.

 

I pretty much could have written the same thing.

 

You two should just date and get it over with. How far away is the midwest from SoCal??

 

By trying to improve your looks, you have nothing to lose and everything to gain. Even in career, the better looking people get the promotions and make more money, all things being equal. Just being out doing errands and shopping, you will be treated better.

 

Once you look good, you will have eliminated one excuse as to why you can't get dates.

 

True. I'm a musician, I think looking good will help my profile .

 

unless your naturally good looking in the face with a good body it takes a lot of $$$ to compensate in other areas

 

I think I have a decent enough face. It's at least symmetrical

 

To many women are to harsh on looks, a guy that is in an incredible shape(muscular),wears expensive clothes,takes care of him self......may be called disgusting by women if he doesn´t have naturally good face, i have seen it happen few times.

 

But i take care of myself,wear expensive clothes and work out.

 

Not every man's face is gonna be attractive to all women. Some women can have poor form in how they reject though, I wouldn't put too much stock in it.

[Necromancer]

and how many females mouths have you ejaculated inside?

 

Zero, haha...but i am a teenager.....sad because i get rejected tons of times in a row.

 

i asked few female friends how good looking they found a tall, muscular guy at my school and they all said straight:disgusting,just because of his face and still i find it decent.

[fortyninethousand322]

For you younger guys...as women mature past the early 20's, the best ones aren't looking at how your straight your nose is...they're looking for a responsible potential mate. Most women are smart and, like guys, learn from their first infatuations.

 

I highly doubt this is true. At least not anymore.

[fortyninethousand322]

You don't understand women. I doubt if you have much success or experience with them

 

Factual statement.

[fortyninethousand322]

A lot of women in their teens and early 20's are still developing social skills. This is even truer with guys.

 

We need to avoid judging the other sex by our earliest experiences. Those are often confusing if not downright disastrous. Think back to your high school classes...we were all obnoxious, losers, dweebs or whatever. Girls were histrionic, wallflowers, bitches or whatever.

There's a reason the army can send 18 years off to war and pimps can recruit teen girls...we had no brain.

 

A couple years ago we had a high school reunion. One woman joked what a rotten boyfriend I had been. My girlfriend went giant eyed because I may have my faults but it one of them is never being disrespecful to her. I had to admit I was a thoughtless bastard. If this woman had judged all guys by her experience with me, she would have become a nun...instead she seemed happily married with 3 kids.

 

I judge all women by my experience with them, which is none. So I have therefore concluded that they're not interested. I think that's more or less what I was getting at.

 

I think it makes sense that people are immature when they're younger, but I also think it's unusual for a guy to make it to my age (24) and be completely inexperienced unless something is very wrong.

[Imajerk17]

It's amazing how similarly we think.

 

I pretty much could have written the same thing.

 

The two of you ought to get together, ride off into the sunset, and open up a whine bar together!

[FitChick]

I also think it's unusual for a guy to make it to my age (24) and be completely inexperienced unless something is very wrong.

 

Did you grow up with your father in the home?

[fortyninethousand322]

Did you grow up with your father in the home?

 

Physically? Yes.