I don't want to be intimidating Part II

[Krios]

I've been approached by women and there has been one consistent factor in all the approaches for why I didn't bite.

 

Timing.

 

This has two sides. Short term timing and long term timing.

 

Short term: Like men, women probably build up courage to go and approach someone. However, I've noticed that when girls/women do it, then they wait till the last possible moment. That tends to create difficulties.

 

I've had it happen that a girl hit on me on a bus, while I had to get out of the bus and she had to go on. What could I have done? I never saw her after that again. So I decided to get business cards for such scenarios.

 

There were also times at various companies when I got hit on at work while busy and when other colleagues were present. That has happened a few times and I don't like it, period. When you do it, do it when you have me alone and when I'm not in the middle of something, because when I'm busy you don't have my focus and when there are colleagues present I don't find it appropriate.

 

Long term: It's quite possible that there are times in a man's life where he's not looking for a relationship, but is focused on other matters. It could be work/business related, it could be related to getting his sh*t together, etc.

Sometimes a guy just doesn't deem the long term timing right and that's not the fault of the woman who does the approach, that's simply unfortunate.

 

So first and foremost my advice is to you:

 

a) Get your short term timing right. Do it when he's alone and not occupied with anything else and he can give you your full focus.

 

b) Try to go for guys that are relationship oriented and in a phase in their life where they're open to having a relationship.

 

Those two timing related things will increase your odds.

[Mrlonelyone]

1.) You said that how you look does not matter. How a woman looks matters. Men are visual creatures.

 

When it comes to a man deciding to approach a woman who he knows nothing else about it's all 100% about how the woman looks.

 

2.) Attitude matters too. If you walk around looking sour faced even if your a 10 no one will approach unless he thinks he's James Bond suave.

 

Last but not least the truth is finding someone is as much a matter of random chance as anything we do. Probably more so. You have to be in the same place (or on the same dating website) at the same time. You have to notice eachother at the right time and in the right mood. etc.

 

Just relax. Don't worry about it so much.

 

Last thing. Give one of those old guys or less initially attractive men a chance. A good personality can make up for two points on the scale of 1-10 (ie making a 7 into a 9 or a 10 into an 8).

[insertnamehere]

Every man is entitled to a beautiful woman who won't cheat, who has the qualities he looks for in a mate, just as every woman is entitled to a man of her preference, who is also loyal etc etc.

 

Which clearly explains the high percentage of humans who are ugly and cheat.

 

Another victory for the self-esteem movement! Your problem is now indubitably solved.

[FrustratedStandards]

Last thing. Give one of those old guys or less initially attractive men a chance. A good personality can make up for two points on the scale of 1-10 (ie making a 7 into a 9 or a 10 into an 8).

 

This I agree with. But the reason I don't go for older men however, is because most of them have kids. By older men I mean into their 40's. Men in their 30's are preferable, but with my luck they all have kids too.

 

The reason I am more picky about looks is because, although a man's attractiveness can go up when you get to know them (this is true) if he isn't cute to begin with, then regardless how great he is, I won't be able to like him romantically because he isn't attractive. I'll simply make a friend. If he is cute, however, then there is something to work with.

Edited February 20, 2012 by FrustratedStandards

[Star Gazer]

But I am entitled to have preferences and want a "high value prospect" as a poster once mentioned on here. Every man is entitled to a beautiful woman who won't cheat, who has the qualities he looks for in a mate, just as every woman is entitled to a man of her preference, who is also loyal etc etc.

 

Every single person is this world is entitled to something good. I don't see why that's a bad thing.

 

Out of curiousity, how do you "display" entitlement? I'm sure sure I know what that means?

 

This attitude of entitlement is VERY unattractive. I'm sure that attitude translates in person, unfortunately.

[counterman]

Some guys who are tall and good-looking feel they're entitled to the hottest girls. Some guys with money and a fancy car feel entitled to models. Some guys think that if they just approach a girl, they're entitled to sex. Some nice guys think just because they're nice, they're entitled to great things in life. Do you see how vain that is? I disagree that every man is entitled to a beautiful woman or let alone a woman. I think an honest, hard-working, respectable, good man is entitled to and deserves a good woman, and most men who are like that wouldn't express an overwhelming sense of entitlement; he would be more humble, and it won't be like "I have a good career, I'm good-looking so I should get hot girls". Sure, he may feel little 'entitled' to something good in his life but he would also feel blessed with his life for what it is.

 

A woman who dresses up to a 10 and puts in hours of getting ready may feel entitled to the hottest guys approaching her. I've met many hot girls who felt entitled to the best guys (not in terms of looks only but in terms of overall package) just because their hot and bag girls out who are less attractive and have great boyfriends. Like my friend who thought she deserved her pick of guys just because in the past guys would trip over each other just for me. When you look at her, she's rude, self-entitled, carries herself on a pedestal, and she still feels entitled to have the best guys? Please. The look she would give guys she thought was ugly, or beneath her... Her tone of voice, with that cold undertone, sort of saying "you think YOU could be interested me ME?!" Too much self-entitlement is unattractive.

 

I have another acquaintance. She's unattractive and had never been approached. She spends most her time talking bad about men and how they're wimps. And talks about how she deserves a hot guy because she has a killer personality. Thing is: 1) She's unattractive 2) Her attitude makes her even more unattractive.

 

I only know maybe a handful of truly great girls, kind-hearted and very genuine, who I feel deserve the best of everything and even they feel blessed with what they have.

 

I was in a relationship with a girl who was self-entitled. The thing was, everytime I showed lower 'value', she would yell at me. I always had to be the best in front of her friends and when I wasn't, things were rocky. Problem is she was never any of the things she felt she deserved. She just looked hot.

 

I think a healthy level entitlement is great. It allows us recognise what we deserve and not settle for anything less. For example, I have another friend who feels he's not entitled to any love and feeling of happiness in his life. It's a real sad state of affair and his self-esteem has taking several hits after rejections. Another example, if we're respectful and honest, I think we're entitled to some common courtesy, so when we do come across any rude behaviour, we know not to stand there and take it. In saying that, the world doesn't work that way. No matter how entitled we feel, we don't necessarily get what we feel we're entitled to. When that happens, sometimes we feel it's just unfair. And I don't know where I'm going with this! Just felt like sharing but don't feel I quite can express what I want to say, yet.

 

I'm still confused about your situation though. If you're an attractive woman, who's showing interest and has a great personality, then I don't see why you don't get approached more often. I'm a little out of my depth in this area. I hear it all the time from my girlfriends and how their not approached at all, which is probably because they're 'average' as some described them. But what to do about is another story.

Edited February 20, 2012 by counterman

[Emilia]

OP I think you probably come across impatient, this is what I'm getting from your threads.

 

It's a great idea to approach guys and to be social in general, to be friendly and approachable but closing a deal takes practice and you are not there yet. I think you might be forcing the situation which puts men off.

 

Focus on chatting with men whom you initially like the look of and wait until they ask for your number, those that will suit you long term (ie confident enough) will be more than capable of doing so.

 

Be friendly, be social, be chatty, smile and give them the opportunity to ask you. If they don't they probably have their own reasons which may or may not have anything to do with you.

[phineas]

Some guys who are tall and good-looking feel they're entitled to the hottest girls. Some guys with money and a fancy car feel entitled to models. Some guys think that if they just approach a girl, they're entitled to sex. Some nice guys think just because they're nice, they're entitled to great things in life. Do you see how vain that is? I disagree that every man is entitled to a beautiful woman or let alone a woman. I think an honest, hard-working, respectable, good man is entitled to and deserves a good woman, and most men who are like that wouldn't express an overwhelming sense of entitlement; he would be more humble, and it won't be like "I have a good career, I'm good-looking so I should get hot girls". Sure, he may feel little 'entitled' to something good in his life but he would also feel blessed with his life for what it is.

 

A woman who dresses up to a 10 and puts in hours of getting ready may feel entitled to the hottest guys approaching her. I've met many hot girls who felt entitled to the best guys (not in terms of looks only but in terms of overall package) just because their hot and bag girls out who are less attractive and have great boyfriends. Like my friend who thought she deserved her pick of guys just because in the past guys would trip over each other just for me. When you look at her, she's rude, self-entitled, carries herself on a pedestal, and she still feels entitled to have the best guys? Please. The look she would give guys she thought was ugly, or beneath her... Her tone of voice, with that cold undertone, sort of saying "you think YOU could be interested me ME?!" Too much self-entitlement is unattractive.

 

I have another acquaintance. She's unattractive and had never been approached. She spends most her time talking bad about men and how they're wimps. And talks about how she deserves a hot guy because she has a killer personality. Thing is: 1) She's unattractive 2) Her attitude makes her even more unattractive.

 

I only know maybe a handful of truly great girls, kind-hearted and very genuine, who I feel deserve the best of everything and even they feel blessed with what they have.

 

I was in a relationship with a girl who was self-entitled. The thing was, everytime I showed lower 'value', she would yell at me. I always had to be the best in front of her friends and when I wasn't, things were rocky. Problem is she was never any of the things she felt she deserved. She just looked hot.

 

I think a healthy level entitlement is great. It allows us recognise what we deserve and not settle for anything less. For example, I have another friend who feels he's not entitled to any love and feeling of happiness in his life. It's a real sad state of affair and his self-esteem has taking several hits after rejections. Another example, if we're respectful and honest, I think we're entitled to some common courtesy, so when we do come across any rude behaviour, we know not to stand there and take it. In saying that, the world doesn't work that way. No matter how entitled we feel, we don't necessarily get what we feel we're entitled to. When that happens, sometimes we feel it's just unfair. And I don't know where I'm going with this! Just felt like sharing but don't feel I quite can express what I want to say, yet.

 

I'm still confused about your situation though. If you're an attractive woman, who's showing interest and has a great personality, then I don't see why you don't get approached more often. I'm a little out of my depth in this area. I hear it all the time from my girlfriends and how their not approached at all, which is probably because they're 'average' as some described them. But what to do about is another story.

 

I've dated a few women just like your friend who are hot. Ok, they used me as place-holder's. LOL!

 

As the song goes, "she aint pretty, she just looks that way"

 

Those women had a long history of men using them for sex.

See, on the surface they got ok personalities, but once you get a little deeper they are so transparent about how superficial & selfish they really are.

 

So the guys they wind up with are the player types who know how to use this to their advantage to get a steady pump until the next target comes into their sites.

 

I seriously doubt these women at 40 will find they guy their looking for since most of those men are now getting younger women.

 

Also, a yr later i've had them all start sniffing around again after I lost weight.

but, they all gained weight.

So now they are superficial,selfish, & no longer hot.

 

Don't want.

[zengirl]

OP,

 

It's the way you're doing it then, if approaching isn't working. I suppose it could be an attractiveness thing (if you're meh and going after the hottest guys, then yes, success is going to be minimal; the same is true for men) or whatnot, but really, a lot of it is probably about how they perceive you -- as some other posters have said, your attitude is not exactly highly likable -- and how you're approaching them.

 

I'm a strong, confident, smart, successful woman, and I've approached many men in my life -- from outright asking them out (rare, and yes, I'd say that is less successful than other modes) to hinting and everything in between. I found the most successful mode is stopping "just shy" of actually asking the guy out. If he's interested, he will do that part. But a quick glance and a smile isn't going to translate to everyone---you have to actually TALK to the guy and make it clear you WANT him to ask you out. And, even then, of course not every guy you approach would say yes (some are taken, some won't think you're their type, etc). Men understand this. Most are very nice in saying no because almost every man has been turned down plenty of times, no matter how good a catch he is.

 

I've NEVER, successful or not successful, felt a man was "intimidated" by me approaching him. Granted, I'm from a younger generation maybe? (I'm 26.) That does matter some, sure. But I think the "intimidation" thing is mostly men finding a woman's personality aggressive. You do not need to be aggressive to approach (in fact, I don't find aggression particularly attractive in men, though some women do---heaven help them); assertive is much better. I have found, contrary to sitcom wisdom, that good men quite like assertive women (more so than traditional, passive women, IME), so long as she's a respectful, kind, and still able to be soft at times.

 

As to what you're doing wrong, it's likely a combination of attitude, body language, approach style, etc. If you find you're intimidating, perhaps you need more 'yin' (feminine energy) in your approach. And, yes, you can be feminine AND approach. It's hard to say what's really wrong without actually knowing you.

 

The "entitlement" thing is a big negative. No, none of us are entitled to anything except for the basic human rights, and we are darn lucky if we get those. Sure, we all have our preferences and it's up to each one of us whether we are willing to adjust those, to "settle" or whatever. But, no way are you or I "entitled" to having our wishes, hopes or dreams fulfilled. Or, even to having plenty of food to eat.

 

I also agree with this. Honestly, entitlement is never sexy.

[Mme. Chaucer]

People around here seem to view "hotness" as if it's an absolute. I agree that there are people who are just plain gorgeous and those who are not, but beyond that, and beyond "attitude" as well, there is a question of style.

 

If a beautiful woman dresses up and presents herself like a cast member of "Mob Wives," ventures out into a San Francisco hipster music venue and does not get approached - it might be that she really needs a makeover, or a change of environment.

[Anela]

OP, what others are trying to say, but which you are too thick headed and have too big of an ego to see, is that you are a spoiled brat who thinks she's all that, and it shows in your body language.

 

Your body mirrors your hidden attitude, which is not so hidden.

 

I think it is too late for you. You are in your mid 30's or older, and set in your ways. You only posted this thread to gain validation of your prior beliefs.

 

You are going to be miserable and unsatisfied regardless of who you meet or don't meet.

 

I don't think it's a good thing to tell someone that it's too late for them. You have no idea how things will turn out for her.

 

I'm mid-30's and can be shy, which might show in my body language - I know I was mortified when I saw myself on video as a teen, because I looked like I wanted to disappear - but I smile, and I'm friendly. I'm usually with people who make me smile and laugh, and the other evening, some guy in a large store said "hello" to me in a toneless way that almost made me laugh to myself, because I was in a good mood - he sounded like he was bored and had to do it, or just expected to not get a response (and I think he worked there). I grinned and said "hi" back.

 

I barely get approached, even when I've walked off by myself. I said in another post that I think I had one man's attention last weekend, because of my accent - he was very aware of me, and seemed to be paying attention to my conversation, from behind his book (occasionally looking around - I had to get up and walk because I felt antsy, but was never approached).

[Anela]

I also have known several men who have said they won't make a move until they are absolutely sure that they will get a positive response- or they wait until they finally get up the nerve, which could take a long time (their words).