I don't want to be intimidating Part II

[FrustratedStandards]

Stemming from my last post about what could make me intimidating, a large amount of posters suggested that I do the approaching.

 

This is viable, but the problem is I have approached men, and it only gets worse. They are either scared off because I seem too aggressive, or they hesitate when I ask for their number because they think i'm desperate for a relationship.

 

It's as simple as "Hi" and a smile, and even if a conversation comes about, it just doesn't happen. I have asked for numbers and surprisingly the most common reply I have gotten was "No, it's okay" with a forced laugh.

 

Ugh! I'm so frustrated. If i'm not approached then I should approach, if I approach then i'm even more intimidating.

 

Gentlemen what's going on!

 

NOTE: Many have asked for my picture, but I don't think that's necessary. It doesn't matter how I look, it's something in the way I am coming off. Why is it so scary when a woman is so sure of herself?

[Mme. Chaucer]

Has something changed recently? I haven't gone back to look, but if I remember correctly you previously had complaints about being approached by and dating many guys. They just didn't happen to fit your criteria.

[FrustratedStandards]

Has something changed recently? I haven't gone back to look, but if I remember correctly you previously had complaints about being approached by and dating many guys. They just didn't happen to fit your criteria.

 

I guess something has changed. I used to be approached by oldies or very unattractive men. Recently I haven't been approach at all. I never get approached.

 

I think this is all from my attitude change. Like some posters have mentioned, now I think in a different way. Before it used to be "you never know what might happen", and now it's more "jesus christ are there any decent men who can approach me instead of old farts or uglies?".

 

I think this energy is what's scaring off all of them, not just the ones I don't like which was initially the intention.

[FitChick]

Try online dating.

[counterman]

That's probably it... the "are there any decent men out there" mind-set. Personally, I can pick up on when a girl is really insecure, when a girl has attitude, when she's being fake, etc. After putting myself out there, I realise there are just girls I don't approach. I wouldn't say they're intimidating, just something that screams out trouble or it's not worth it. I call it bad energy and believe it or not, I have never been wrong with someone when I felt 'bad energy' from them, guys or girls.

 

Good you on for approaching though. Some don't even try that. Most guys don't get approached, so I guess it may be intimidating for them. But I personally think it's a welcomed change. Just like many guys here ask for advice on how to approach and what to do, how have you been approaching these guys? How does the interaction go? Usually, if a girl displays initial interest, the guy would pick up on it and take charge. So at the end, HE would ask for YOUR number, or he would ask you out.

 

Most of the decent guys I know around your age have been locked up already in relationships. Not saying there aren't any around but the ladies seem to have locked most of them up.

 

And yes, as FitChick suggested, how about online dating?

[turt]

It's as simple as "Hi" and a smile, and even if a conversation comes about, it just doesn't happen. I have asked for numbers and surprisingly the most common reply I have gotten was "No, it's okay" with a forced laugh.

 

Ugh! I'm so frustrated. If i'm not approached then I should approach, if I approach then i'm even more intimidating.

 

Gentlemen what's going on!

 

NOTE: Many have asked for my picture, but I don't think that's necessary. It doesn't matter how I look, it's something in the way I am coming off. Why is it so scary when a woman is so sure of herself?

 

If I was interested in you, I'd say yes.

 

When I've been approached, I usually get handed a number on paper. I've never been asked for my number.

[EasyHeart]

It's most likely something in your body language and we can't really help you with that over the internet. Do you have any male friends who you trust who could follow you around and point out what signals you're sending off with your body language. I did that for a co-worker who had your exact same problem and after I pointed out all the "stay away" from me signals she was sending off, she got married a year later!

 

As to approaching men, understand than none of us are used to it because it simply doesn't happen that much. So pretty much all guys are going to be awkward about it, simply because they don't have any practice.

[robaday]

TBH the last three gf's Ive had, asked me for my number! Im not sure if this is rare but generally women approach me rather than me approaching them.

 

I am shy though and hardly ever approach women. Good at conversations if one starts and not nervous or intimidated once Im talking to someone. I just dont read signals very well, so tend to wait for them to make a move.

 

Seriously Id just carry on. Depends how you give your number. Do you march over even without a conversation? Id find that intimidating. If you have a really good conversation with someone and it could just go on and on, I really dont think its strange to then ask for their number.

 

But like even with friends. If I meet someone male or female, in whatever circumstances and talk for an extended period, its pretty common for me to ask them to hang out sometime. Especially on flights, smoking lounges in airports, Ive met the strangest but most useful contacts there.

[salparadise]

 

...now it's more "jesus christ are there any decent men who can approach me instead of old farts or uglies?".

 

I think this energy is what's scaring off all of them, not just the ones I don't like which was initially the intention.

 

Ah ha, I can almost guarantee this is it. My response was a lot closer than I even imagined in the previous thread. (why another thread?) Your problem is, in addition to the negative energy, you're just too damn picky. It's really this simple––when you adjusted your filter to eliminate all the guys who aren't good enough for you, you eliminated all the guys who see you as good enough for them (and would be willing to put up with a bunch of attitude to get laid).

 

I also think it might help with your relationships (friends, coworkers, etc.) if you'd practice being kind and empathetic to all people (that doesn't mean you have to mate with all of them). One thing is for sure... those 'oldies and uglies' as you call them will be returning to return to the earth pretty damn soon and another generation will be stepping up to take their place... guess who's going to be included in that next batch? That saying about beauty being only skin deep... well, it's not even quite that deep. And about 85% of it emanates from the inside.

[phineas]

If you are alone & approaching men then something about you is turning them off.

If a hot chick asked me out I wouldn't reject her.

I'd wonder if she was just an attention whore & expect her to flake but I wouldn't be intimidated.

Edited February 19, 2012 by phineas

[make me believe]

This means that the guy is not attracted to you and doesn't find you hot enough; NOT because they are intimidated by you. They are either turned off by your looks or the way you act or both. Being "intimidating" is an excuse; many people overestimate how good looking they are. Of course your friends are going to tell you are great.

 

Do you think that most guys would really say "No, it's ok" if Megan Fox or Jessica Alba asked them for their number because they would be "intimidated"? Not in a million years.

 

Next time don't ask them for their number but give them yours so it's harder for them to reject you.

 

Totally agree. If the guy was into you or attracted to you (and not already in a relationship) there's absolutely NO WAY he would say no if you asked for his number.

[salparadise]

I read some research, can't remember the exact source... probably a college psych class, and they had several attractive young males and females, college age, walk up to random strangers, equal numbers of each gender, and simply ask if they'd like to go somewhere private and have sex, right now. The results found that 75% of males said yes with no hesitation, and 0% of women, not even one woman said yes. A reasonably attractive woman should be able to lasso herself an interested prospect (at least) pretty much any time, any place. If she's really gorgeous and can't make that happen then something is seriously askew. I guess FS already knows that... but the point is that she should be looking at what going on with her rather than making assumptions about the entire male gender.

 

When I was doing the online dating thing I noticed several different tacks taken by women in the profile headlines. One was the challenge... 'can you intrigue me', 'can you hold my interest', 'are you man enough', 'can you sweep me off my feet', etc., etc. I never initiated contact with any of them (because I hate that game), but occasionally one would contact me. Communication was always strained, but I remember one in particular and it took all of two rounds of messages before it became antagonistic. She thought I should really be sucking up and at the same time proving my manhood and worthiness, and this was just messaging... good riddance! Who needs that type of interaction, much less to get involved with someone like that? This is my second time around, and the experience has at least taught me what I don't want or need.

 

FS, I think you just need to soften things up and accept that if you make yourself attractive to men generally, you're going to have to deal with being hit on by a few oldies and uglies (your words), just as men have to deal with being rejected over and over in order to finally get a yes. That's just life.

Edited February 19, 2012 by salparadise

[FrustratedStandards]

Try online dating.

 

I have. That's even worse. All the men on online dating sites are those who can't get a girl in real life (whether they are too shy, too desperate or whatever the case). And they are even uglier and more desperate online.

 

Just like many guys here ask for advice on how to approach and what to do, how have you been approaching these guys? How does the interaction go? Usually, if a girl displays initial interest, the guy would pick up on it and take charge. So at the end, HE would ask for YOUR number, or he would ask you out.

 

Most of the decent guys I know around your age have been locked up already in relationships. Not saying there aren't any around but the ladies seem to have locked most of them up.

 

 

Last night I tried one of these approaches that was suggest to me (smile and look at him, but be the first to look away to show you're submissive). This one gentleman who was very cute was standing at the bar two people away from me. I noticed for a while he had be starring, so I smiled at him genuinely (cuz he was darn cute!) and then looked away. I guess that scared him off cuz then he stopped looking at me and disappeared. Wtf?

 

And I wore braces for two years, so trust me, it's not the smile.

 

My general approach is if I see a guy is interested, I approach and say hi. If it's in a club, I say something along the lines of "so how do you like the music" or "what are you drinking? it looks good!". If it's elsewhere then something more appropriate to the context. If a conversation comes of it, I also do the whole "well maybe we should hang out sometime" thing, again according to context, but it doesn't work.

 

They might be in a relationship which makes sense, but not ALL of them?

 

I also think it might help with your relationships (friends, coworkers, etc.) if you'd practice being kind and empathetic to all people (that doesn't mean you have to mate with all of them). One thing is for sure... those 'oldies and uglies' as you call them will be returning to return to the earth pretty damn soon and another generation will be stepping up to take their place... guess who's going to be included in that next batch? That saying about beauty being only skin deep... well, it's not even quite that deep. And about 85% of it emanates from the inside.

 

I am the nicest person. Ask anyone that knows me and that's the first word that comes out of their mouth, "She's so nice and friendly". Believe me, that's not the case.

 

You're right though, you gotta deal with some oldies and uglies to find something good among it. I just get so annoyed sometimes, and I feel less worthy when only these men approach because I think to myself "seriously? I can't do any better?"

 

And that's another thing that's so frustrating, every man I have ever dated it's always "you can do better you can do better". Well there IS no better out there!

 

Family and friends and co workers even my buddies tell me "you can do better" well f*ck man it's either I can do better but theres nothing better, or i'm forced to have a guy who isn't "up to par" and i'm being judged for why i'm settling so much.

 

I'm just so frustrated because when I settle with someone "you can do better" and when I look for that "better" it's always "why are you single" and when I answer with "i cant find anyone" it's always "oh he's out there".

 

I'm almost 30. I've waited long enough. I approach, nothing happens. They approach, they are old or seriously unattractive. It sucks being so picky, but if I settle it's not fair for me or for the guy.

 

My sister settled because of this frame of mind and look how her marriage turned out. I don't want to end up like that, but I don't want to end up alone either. And with the way things are going (my pickiness and men's fear to approach in particular) it doesn't look like i'm getting anywhere good.

Edited February 19, 2012 by FrustratedStandards

[FitChick]

It's most likely something in your body language and we can't really help you with that over the internet. Do you have any male friends who you trust who could follow you around and point out what signals you're sending off with your body language.

 

There are also dating coaches who will do this for a price, so it's better if you can get free advice.

[FrustratedStandards]

I've never asked male friends to do this for me, however I have been out with them (hanging out). I know that being with a bunch of guys doesn't help, but they observed my behaviors and even they said "dude i don't know why this is happening".

 

So you see why i'm so frustrated?

 

Then again, most men say they would be bold and approach when the truth is they wouldn't, they are just saying that to make themselves look better.

[Jynxx]

You're right though, you gotta deal with some oldies and uglies to find something good among it. I just get so annoyed sometimes, and I feel less worthy when only these men approach because I think to myself "seriously? I can't do any better?"

 

Family and friends and co workers even my buddies tell me "you can do better" well f*ck man it's either I can do better but theres nothing better, or i'm forced to have a guy who isn't "up to par" and i'm being judged for why i'm settling so much.

Not to be rude or anything but have you considered that you may be a bit delusional about your own attractiveness? It's perfectly normal to see friends as better looking, more fun etc than they actually are and other people see them. That's why you like hanging out with them. It's also totally standard to tell a friend she looks good or deserves a better partner in order to boost her self esteem. So take your friends opinions with a grain of salt.

 

Also your sense of entitlement could be an issue if you display it irl as much as you do here.

[turt]

I have. That's even worse. All the men on online dating sites are those who can't get a girl in real life (whether they are too shy, too desperate or whatever the case). And they are even uglier and more desperate online.

 

Last night I tried one of these approaches that was suggest to me (smile and look at him, but be the first to look away to show you're submissive). This one gentleman who was very cute was standing at the bar two people away from me. I noticed for a while he had be starring, so I smiled at him genuinely (cuz he was darn cute!) and then looked away. I guess that scared him off cuz then he stopped looking at me and disappeared. Wtf?

 

Aren't you describing yourself?

 

How would he know you're smiling at him if you looked away when he looked at you? How did you know he was staring at you? Maybe he wasn't attracted to you at all.

 

If you don't give any type of signal, no one is going to approach you.

[FrustratedStandards]

Also your sense of entitlement could be an issue if you display it irl as much as you do here.

 

But I am entitled to have preferences and want a "high value prospect" as a poster once mentioned on here. Every man is entitled to a beautiful woman who won't cheat, who has the qualities he looks for in a mate, just as every woman is entitled to a man of her preference, who is also loyal etc etc.

 

Every single person is this world is entitled to something good. I don't see why that's a bad thing.

 

Out of curiousity, how do you "display" entitlement? I'm sure sure I know what that means?

 

Aren't you describing yourself?

 

How would he know you're smiling at him if you looked away when he looked at you? How did you know he was staring at you? Maybe he wasn't attracted to you at all.

 

If you don't give any type of signal, no one is going to approach you.

 

I thought smile was signal enough?

 

Even if he wasn't looking at me, this isn't the first time this has happened, and it can't be that every single man that has ever looked at me was looking at someone behind me lol I doubt that even more so usually being the tallest girl in the room.

[Jynxx]

But I am entitled to have preferences and want a "high value prospect" as a poster once mentioned on here. Every man is entitled to a beautiful woman who won't cheat, who has the qualities he looks for in a mate, just as every woman is entitled to a man of her preference, who is also loyal etc etc.

You are allowed to have any preference you like, no matter how unrealistic. You aren't entitled to get what you prefer. The world doesn't owe you or anyone else anything and life is unfair, deal with it.

 

Every single person is this world is entitled to something good. I don't see why that's a bad thing.

Maybe in your ideal world, but certainly not in this world.

 

Out of curiousity, how do you "display" entitlement? I'm sure sure I know what that means?

Maybe I used the wrong word here. Let's make it "if you behave like a spoiled princess "etc

[FrustratedStandards]

LOL

 

A spoiled princess? I don't see what could make a man run from you any faster.

[turt]

Even if he wasn't looking at me, this isn't the first time this has happened, and it can't be that every single man that has ever looked at me was looking at someone behind me lol I doubt that even more so usually being the tallest girl in the room.

 

We can't tell because a good number of people will smile at us regardless. I usually take unintentional clues but don't act on it due to my shyness. According to the other thread I made, I need to start conversation first which isn't too easy for me when I don't know the person at all.

[FrustratedStandards]

lol then clearly you don't know what i look like

 

Regardless, this thread has turned from advice to me justifying my looks. I don't have to justify anything. Thanks for your input anyways.

[verhrzn]

Don't take it personally, OP. When I start threads about how it's my looks that are the reason guys don't approach me, people say it's my attitude. You start a thread saying it's your attitude (intimidating? too aggressive?), and posters insist it's your looks. Even to the point of calling you delusional about your own attractiveness. Whereas apparently I need to be "confident" about my looks, even though that would make me delusional.

 

Long story short, no one has the answers, and they just love arguing with you. Good luck in your search.

[Mme. Chaucer]

Every man is entitled to a beautiful woman who won't cheat, who has the qualities he looks for in a mate, just as every woman is entitled to a man of her preference, who is also loyal etc etc.

 

Every single person is this world is entitled to something good. I don't see why that's a bad thing.

 

Out of curiousity, how do you "display" entitlement? I'm sure sure I know what that means?

 

The "entitlement" thing is a big negative. No, none of us are entitled to anything except for the basic human rights, and we are darn lucky if we get those. Sure, we all have our preferences and it's up to each one of us whether we are willing to adjust those, to "settle" or whatever. But, no way are you or I "entitled" to having our wishes, hopes or dreams fulfilled. Or, even to having plenty of food to eat.

 

I don't know if this very dislikable attitude is something that people can read when they meet you or not. I would say, though. that your dry spell with men these days might be the universe telling you that it's time to take a good, cold look at yourself and consider whether you need to take care of anything on that front.

[counterman]

There seems to be nothing wrong with your approach. Really it could be heaps worse and you should still pull in guys. I am really quite baffled. Some men say they'll approach but won't, true, but if you're making eye contact and smiling, definitely at least some would approach, unless you look like a completed ghoul, which you don't.

 

I agree with Mme Chaucer though. We all have preferences but whether we're entitled to having the best and whatnot is a different story. I've met many girls who carry a self-entitled attitude and it's so easy to pick up in the first 5 minutes of talking to her. Personally, I find it disgusting and no matter how hot any girlie, if she has that self-entitled attitude, I wouldn't give her my time of day. For example, I have this acquaintance from high school who the guys would all fall for. Last year she started seeing some guy and about the same time I asked her to hang out as friend. She took this as that I was interested in her, so to clear up any misunderstanding, I told her to her face "I'm not interested and never was". You know what she did? She kept insisting that I was indeed very interested in her and asked me whether I was sure. First of all, why does it matter? She's in a relationship. Second, wtf? Your not entitled to every guy liking you. That was such a turn off and continues to be, because everytime i see her, she tries to flirt with me. Any hint of self-entitlement, any smith trace would send me running.

 

I want hot girls but doesn't mean I'm entitled to them, no matter how well I'm going with other aspects of my life. And I sure don't have that mindset of deserving the hottest girls or thinking I'm made of gold.

Edited February 20, 2012 by counterman