Falcon25 Posted February 18, 2012 Posted February 18, 2012 Hello, I have been with my girlfriend for 7 months. I came in her life a couple weeks after her ex and her broke up, they were together for 7 years. She was pretty much just friends with him and they were pretty miserable together. Everything fell apart during the holidays when I found her still talking to him behind my back. Recently, she said she just wanted to have him as a friend, nothing more. So I had agreed and let her talk to him on a friends level. She told me last night, (after two months of going hot and cold) that she just doesn't want a relationship. She can't handle the responsibilities of a relationship w me. She swears up and down that she is not seeing her ex romantically (which I believe), she also says its not another guy. That she is just a mess right now. She doesn't know what she wants. She says that she wakes up one day and loves being with me, and the next day she wakes up, she doesn't want the relationship. She says she doesn't want to be my girlfriend if she can't give me 100 percent, cause it frustrates her and makes her feel guilty. She says she would rather not be in it than be half ass in it. I have no idea what to do. She says she loves me and is attracted to me, but keeps saying "I don't know why I feel this way, I just can't be in a relationship right now". She says she is sorry to put me through it and that she doesn't like hurting me. Do I just disappear and hope she comes back? Do you think she will ever come back? She insists that I'm not the rebound. She keeps telling me that it's her and not me. I'm hurt and lost.
Dragonsden Posted February 18, 2012 Posted February 18, 2012 I have been in your situation. She still has feeling for her ex. 7 years is too long to forget so quick. She is an emotional baggage. My advice to you is to leave her on her own to sort things out. It truly is her and not you!
sweetheart5381 Posted February 18, 2012 Posted February 18, 2012 My ex and I were together for 7-8 months too and I had all the same things said to me that you did - "It's not you, it's me", "I thought I wanted a relationship, but I changed my mind", "I don't know what I want now" and that "he doesnt want to hurt me" etc. He always spoke of wanting to keep it simple, wanting more than just sex but never stating exactly what he wanted so I therefore could never fulfill his needs. He swears he doesn't love his ex of 23 yrs, just wants to be single for now, that I put him under pressure, etc. I am learning to just let it be... the ball is in their court. I'm hurt and lost too my friend. Tough to fall in love and offer it and then find out that they can't receive it because they are still committed in their heart to someone/something else.
Thatguyintx Posted February 18, 2012 Posted February 18, 2012 Yep, this sounds familiar. If it's not you, there is nothing you can do. You do need to give her the space she needs (and you probably need it too). Sure is easy to say, but much harder to do.
mike588 Posted February 19, 2012 Posted February 19, 2012 Hello, I have been with my girlfriend for 7 months. I came in her life a couple weeks after her ex and her broke up, they were together for 7 years. She was pretty much just friends with him and they were pretty miserable together. Everything fell apart during the holidays when I found her still talking to him behind my back. Recently, she said she just wanted to have him as a friend, nothing more. So I had agreed and let her talk to him on a friends level. She told me last night, (after two months of going hot and cold) that she just doesn't want a relationship. She can't handle the responsibilities of a relationship w me. She swears up and down that she is not seeing her ex romantically (which I believe), she also says its not another guy. That she is just a mess right now. She doesn't know what she wants. She says that she wakes up one day and loves being with me, and the next day she wakes up, she doesn't want the relationship. She says she doesn't want to be my girlfriend if she can't give me 100 percent, cause it frustrates her and makes her feel guilty. She says she would rather not be in it than be half ass in it. I have no idea what to do. She says she loves me and is attracted to me, but keeps saying "I don't know why I feel this way, I just can't be in a relationship right now". She says she is sorry to put me through it and that she doesn't like hurting me. Do I just disappear and hope she comes back? Do you think she will ever come back? She insists that I'm not the rebound. She keeps telling me that it's her and not me. I'm hurt and lost. Best thing for you to do is respect her wishes..let her know how you feel what you want and then leave her alone..the balls in her corner now..you will have made it clear to her your wishes. Do not bug her with calls...texts..emails ect. etc.. that will only push her further away....begging,crying..pleading with her will make you look weak and pathetic...a turn off!!! I wouldn't be so sure that there is nothing going on with the ex. and her...there is a long history there and I think she doesn't want to hurt you by telling you there is nothing going on. I think she's torn on what to do..she wants time to figure out what she wants. All that saying..one day she loves you..the next day she doesn't want to be in a relationship..and the other stuff is a red flag to me.....I've been there and comments like that usually mean there is someone else involved. I hope I'm wrong in your situation though. Good luck..keep posting if you feel you need to.
Author Falcon25 Posted February 19, 2012 Author Posted February 19, 2012 Thank you for those who responded. I saw her a final time today. And she repeated that right now she doesn't want a relationship. I told her ok, maybe you need some time, maybe we can take a break and see what happens. I said if it's meant to be, it will be. I didn't know what else to say. Do you guys think that this is an emotional issue and that she will back in the future?
wilsonx Posted February 19, 2012 Posted February 19, 2012 Do I just disappear and hope she comes back? Disappear and move on with your life Do you think she will ever come back? Nothing more then a friendship level, maybe a FWB type situation She insists that I'm not the rebound. She keeps telling me that it's her and not me. I'm hurt and lost. You are a rebound, it is her though, has nothing to do with you I understand how you are hurt and lost, its ok
mike588 Posted February 19, 2012 Posted February 19, 2012 Thank you for those who responded. I saw her a final time today. And she repeated that right now she doesn't want a relationship. I told her ok, maybe you need some time, maybe we can take a break and see what happens. I said if it's meant to be, it will be. I didn't know what else to say. Do you guys think that this is an emotional issue and that she will back in the future? Hey I know what your going thru and all the hurt your feeling...I was dumped by my now ex. for her ex. after we dated for almost a year. What she's telling you is some of the same stuff I heard...(others too) shortly before and during the breakup.... nobody likes to be the bearer of bad news...to hurt someone they truely care for and may have loved (you) but were not IN LOVE with. I would'nt hold on to her....wait for her...I know how hard it is..I've been there. Things will and do get better!!
youngster Posted February 21, 2012 Posted February 21, 2012 (edited) Oooh this hurts to read, especially Wilsons opinion on the chances of reconciliation. Im in a very similar situation except i am almost positive she is back with her ex (though she denied it at the time of thr BU) I feel your pain and it sucks that we have to go through this. Edited February 21, 2012 by youngster
Numb79 Posted February 22, 2012 Posted February 22, 2012 I agree with everyones posts on here. There is nothing you can do. There is also no benefit in knowing if it is her ex or not. That will not make you feel any better.... I guess there are something that we are all off better not knowing. The only thing that matters is that she called it quits. I know this is probably not what you want to hear. But it is the honest truth. I too am struggling with a break up.... and I just wish that I can follow my own advice at times.
M2155 Posted February 22, 2012 Posted February 22, 2012 Another vote for leave her be, there is nothing you can do. At least she is being honest with you, that is a good start to maybe be friends down the road. But I can imagine it will take her some time to process and move on emotionally from a 7year relationship. It has nothing to do with you.
madball2289 Posted February 22, 2012 Posted February 22, 2012 I have been in this situation, well more like just about done getting over it. But i feel u man. The best thing to do is let her be and move one. If she comes back cool, but just make sure you put your foot down the second time around and tell her what you want. Even though she was a mess and didn't know what she wanted, you are part of the relationship too. It's a two-way street. Just keep things moving. In my situation I think the whole I wanna be single, not ready for a relationship is BS. I always think there is more than meets the eye. But that's just me .
BewitchedandBothered Posted February 22, 2012 Posted February 22, 2012 Ugh; no contact with her and please disappear. She DOES want a relationship--with her EX. I went through this very thing and the guy said "I just need to find myself"...I said "when you find yourself, GET LOST". It was a few months before he came sniffing around my doorstep again, but by that time, I was disgusted. I will not be someone's afterthought-----remember that. You should be someone's priority. You gotta know deep down she is full of crap to be saying she's not ready for a relationship. Why on earth does she need to be friends with her ex??? Do they have children together? If not, there is no reason for her to be conversing with him when she should be doing so with you. 3
Author Falcon25 Posted February 28, 2012 Author Posted February 28, 2012 A week and a half and haven't heard anything. Glad I was there last seven months, trying, working at it, etc. FML
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