chitter Posted February 18, 2012 Posted February 18, 2012 SORRY THIS IS SO LONG BUT I WOULD REALLY APPRECIATE FEEDBACK: I thought I would come here to get an independent view on my situation. I've talked with friends and my now ex boyfriend but I still feel I need an outsiders advice. The back story: I'm 20 years old, going on 21 in a few months. A week or so before Christmas my boyfriend ended things 2 weeks to the day after our 1 year anniversary. I had noticed he was being really distant whenever we weren't together. We'd usually be in contact most of the day, we were really close but nearing the end of things he started leaving huge gaps between me texting him and him getting back in contact with me. But then when we were together it was as if everything was ok, everything was normal. I put the lack of response down to that he was stressed over college work/something at home because I couldn't see what would be the problem with us seeing as whenever we'd be in each other's company we were good.. A few weeks before I had asked if he'd like to come to my brother's 30th birthday party. He said he'd like to but keep it a maybe because in college we had exams coming up and didn't know when they'd be on yet. Turned out that all of his exams were on top of each other so he told me he probably shouldn't go because he had a lot of work to do over that weekend. I was disappointed but completely understood. The day of my brothers birthday came and in making conversation over text I asked him had he any plans for the weekend outside of studying. He then said he was gonna meet up with friends out of this society he's a member of in college and have a few beers and pizza that night. This was a snapping point for me. I'd been patient with the whole distant thing for a few weeks but this was pushing it a bit far so I told him i was gonna come over to his because I wanted to talk to him. I went over and literally did that, we talked. I told him I was really upset that he could manage to find the time for these friends but couldn't come to this thing that I had asked him to weeks beforehand. It was then he told me he was feeling disheartened about our relationship, that he was being distant purposefully. He said he couldn't find any opportunity to call me over to talk or end things because I'd never been anything but amazing to him, nearly too amazing he said. He felt he couldn't put in the amount of effort I was putting into the relationship and didn't want things to go on. I was in bits as he meant so much to me. The painful thing is we never even had an argument in the whole time from when we met to the day he ended it so even when he broke it off, even though I was torn apart, everything was amicable because realistically there was no reason for it not to be because everything had always been so laid back with us. Even with the break up he was incredibly nice to me. He let me stay for as long as I needed to cry it all out, he held me while I just cried my eyes out, he walked me home after, held my hand the whole way, kissed me and told me he loved me. A few days later we met up again and talked. I told him that I really thought this was a mistake and that maybe what we really needed was just a few weeks apart. In my college we get holidays from mid-December to the end of January so I said why don't we take that break and when he came back we'd talk things through and give things a fresh start and another chance (he lives an hour or so away from me usually but lives in an apartment about 15min walk while he's in college). He took the step back and agreed to do that. We went our seperate ways for 6 weeks, keeping in contact every few days. I could tell he was trying to push me further and further away during the month however. But I still wanted to hold onto a bit of hope because it was the only thing that was going to get me through the 6 weeks. He came back just about 3 weeks ago and we met up. His mind was made up and he didn't want us back together and hammered the fact home that we'll never get back together. It was like being broken up with all over again. He said he felt things were on the decline and didn't want to drag it out any longer. I asked him when he started to feel like that or why and he couldn't give me an answer and apologised for not being able to give me closure. Where I'm at now: We're still meeting up as friends. I still love him and care ridiculously about him. Just the other day he told me he loves me but I have to understand where he's coming from. What I don't understand is why he embraced everything about us whenever we were together in the weeks leading up to him ending it. For our anniversary, he bought me a necklace, we went out to dinner, I stayed at his. He demanded his best friend to wish us a happy anniversary. The week after our anniversary was his birthday. I got him a gift, he loved it and was really appreciative. We'd always be play fighting and silly things like that. We were seemingly happy to me anyway. Possibly that's why it's so hard for me to forget about it because it was such a shock for me. Also, he's had tough times between friend issues and family issues since I met him. He used tell me he felt lonely and things and that he loved getting a bit of human contact. I was always there for him. I don't understand if someone had a good relationship with someone who cared and loved them a great amount that they would want to throw that away. I would have thought it was a positive thing. Don't get me wrong, I noticed things weren't perfect between us but it was because he had gotten this negative thing in his head about our relationship and it took over anything positive and at the same time he was pushing me away because of the way he was acting and therefore making me feel worried. This was my first serious relationship on all levels of a relationship. He was everything to me. The part I am finding incredibly difficult is knowing he's going to be with someone new eventually. I brought this up with him, I had to. He told me I'm thinking too far into the future, which I agree I am but it still is my main concern. He said he doesn't want to be with anyone for at least a year, he wants to concentrate on college, he wants to build new friends before he wants to be with anyone. He said after me he had gone through 4 girlfriends in quick succession, me and him being his longest relationship. He said he needs to be asexual for a while (his actual words). He said he told himself after his previous girlfriend that he didn't want anything for a while but then I came along so my worry is who's to say that's not going to happen this time again? I would give anything to have him back. I am grateful we're still good friends because I've a lot going on in my life that he's always supported me through and if I had completely lost him I would be in a much worse place than I am now. But even having him around to have as a shoulder to cry on isn't enough. I want the affection back. I want all the happy times we had together, and they're all I can think of. I know some people may say that's a good thing but it's also a bad thing because it makes you realise what you've lost and how much you miss it.
BoredAgain Posted February 18, 2012 Posted February 18, 2012 You need to distance yourself from this guy. He clearly isn't interested in a relationship with you right now, so using him as a "shoulder to cry on" is only making it harder for you to heal. As you said, being around him only serves to make you miss the affection of the relationship. You write, "if I had completely lost him I would be in a much worse place than I am now," but I don't believe that. You guys dated for one year... what did you do before that? You have to take this as an opportunity to become a strong, independent person. Work on yourself, focus on school, get new hobbies, meet new people, etc. I know the breakup of your first major relationship feels awful, but life goes on.
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