Author tigressA Posted February 19, 2012 Author Posted February 19, 2012 Honestly, tigress, your boyfriend sounds a lot like my father. Dad was a drug addict for over 30 years, and I was raised with the constant confusion that went with it. Even if your boyfriend says he'll quit for you, he's only going to hide it or find some other intoxicating habit to replace it. There's a reason he went back to it a month later after he said he was going to stop. It's not the drug itself that is addictive, it's the reasons for using it. He'll go through every other option at his disposal before he quits doing it - it's human nature. You guys aren't married, so speaking from experience, I'd say get out while you still can. Pot is only his first line of defense with holding back whatever emotional problems he is trying to ignore. I agree...he couldn't answer with anything other than 'I enjoy it/I like doing it' when I asked him why he took up smoking again after he had quit for a month. I think perhaps he is unhappy with his life. I said in an earlier post that he's good-on-paper, but he wishes he would have gone outside the box and whatnot. For all he criticized me about my supposed lack of ambition, his own life is fairly stagnant. Other things he's criticized me about, like my eating habits and hobbies--he really isn't all that different from me. I would see it differently if he were leading by example, but he is not. He just nitpicks at me. Now that I think about it, it seems like projection. He's unhappy with himself and he's making me bear that burden.
Mme. Chaucer Posted February 19, 2012 Posted February 19, 2012 I am not disagreeing with you about breaking up, but I hope that you will talk to him about what is going on with you rather than making your move when he is gone. You were talking about spending the rest of your lives together … your relationship must be worth a straightforward ending.
zengirl Posted February 20, 2012 Posted February 20, 2012 T, I think ending this (maturely) is probably a good move. You guys have never had enough in common to sustain you, from what I've seen, and you tend to get combative with each other, rather than attempt compromise, as Kamille mentions. You just don't complement each other well -- I don't think it means anyone is 'right' or 'wrong.' I just think it means you have different values, worldviews, habits, and priorities, combined with both having strong, stubborn personalities and a need to be 'right' or 'win.' I think the latter is something you could work on, but I do not think that means you're 'wrong' for leaving or that it would've necessarily made THIS relationship work if you changed that; and perhaps the dynamic between the two of you brings that out more strongly in both of you. It's hard to say---all I know of your other relationships is that you sought drama and didn't get really serious. This was serious, and I think you did well in terms of finding some lessons and some love, but you are right that love itself is not enough to keep a relationship going. Anyway, I think that if you do leave, Mme. Chaucer is right that it should be maturely, with an actual discussion. It will be better on you in the long run to do it that way, I think, and this has been a real relationship that has earned that much consideration. Neither one of you seems to have any clue how to compromise. You went from: "I told him I won't ever bug him about smoking pot" to "If I tell him how I don't like it, he will likely offer to stop." to "I told him I don't like it and he (shocker) didn't immediately offer to stop" to "He now offered to stop but I don't believe him." I think this is an excellent point. Of course, in T's relationship, there have been so many ups and downs I understand her leaving, and I doubt it's just about the weed. However, I think this is a point worth her taking to improve communication going forward. T, you did a complete 180. He didn't. He was doing something he was told he could continue to do, despite your light disapproval, and then was given an ultimatum. I'm not saying his behavior was great -- I'm not a fan of scenes, any way around, but you're also not exactly drama free yourself -- but neither was yours. I get the point and the reasoning for asking him to stop, but you could've gone about it in a more moderate way and addressed it earlier when it first bothered you. It sounds like you let things build up and then expect to resolve them in one go. Things like this rarely work out that way. 1
PinkInTheLimo Posted February 20, 2012 Posted February 20, 2012 At this point I don't think I can continue our relationship unless he quits for good...but I don't want to issue an ultimatum like that. I want to work together on this. Bearing that in mind...how do I talk about this with him? How can you work together on something like this? His behaviour is problematic not yours (well one could say that having accepted it so far is problematic). His behaviour is a dealbreaker so all you can do is to say that he has to stop it or else. I always find it mindboggling how people want to talk about problematic behaviour when clearly one partner is at fault.
kaylan Posted February 20, 2012 Posted February 20, 2012 I don't really want to stay together. We love each other, yes...but I don't think we can be truly happy with each other anymore. Like Johan said, there's a lot of resentment. Conveniently, he's leaving in less than 2 weeks and he will be away for at least a month, maybe 2. I will vacate his place when he is away. He will take the news better when he is at home in India with his family and old friends; he'll have a readily available support system and he will be able to get used to the idea of me not being here when he gets back. The lease will have run out, so he can start fresh with a new place of his own. Youre going to break up with him whiles hes overseas on vacation with family? Im sorry but thats just weak. He doesnt deserve that.
carhill Posted February 20, 2012 Posted February 20, 2012 IMO, OP, if your choice is to 'break up', do it face to face. If it is your current decision, do it now, before he goes back to India. Wind down the details with the lease and move your belongings at your convenience, perhaps while he's gone, to minimize contact and potential conflict/anger/hurt, but do it amicably. Relationship skills and relationship health is as much about endings as it is about beginnings. Endings suck but you do have choices in how you handle and process them. Good luck.
johan Posted February 20, 2012 Posted February 20, 2012 My first instinct was that she should do it face to face, but when I think about it, I can't figure out what difference it actually makes. If anything, I would think it's more important for her to be moved out before he goes, so he has the chance to secure his place himself before he goes.
Author tigressA Posted February 20, 2012 Author Posted February 20, 2012 (edited) Well, he's going away sooner than we thought. He has to leave this weekend instead of next weekend now. That was the reason I was planning on waiting to do it until he was away--I didn't want to linger here with him after I ended it, and I doubt he would've wanted that either. Now I don't have that excuse. I need to do it this week, before he leaves--if I decide to do it in person, that is. It's been a long time since I broke up with someone. It's scary. I kind of don't want to do it because I'm afraid of how he'll take it. I have no clue what to say, where to start. My mind is a whirlwind. How do I do this? Edited February 20, 2012 by tigressA
zengirl Posted February 20, 2012 Posted February 20, 2012 Well, he's going away sooner than we thought. He has to leave this weekend instead of next weekend now. That was the reason I was planning on waiting to do it until he was away--I didn't want to linger here with him after I ended it, and I doubt he would've wanted that either. Now I don't have that excuse. I need to do it this week, before he leaves--if I decide to do it in person, that is. It's been a long time since I broke up with someone. It's scary. I kind of don't want to do it because I'm afraid of how he'll take it. I have no clue what to say, where to start. My mind is a whirlwind. How do I do this? It is scary, you're not wrong. I know it's extra scary when you're looking for a place to stay at the same time. I can't give you a 'how to,' sadly. It just takes guts, kindness, and honesty. I'm sure you'll find the words.
Author tigressA Posted February 20, 2012 Author Posted February 20, 2012 It is scary, you're not wrong. I know it's extra scary when you're looking for a place to stay at the same time. I can't give you a 'how to,' sadly. It just takes guts, kindness, and honesty. I'm sure you'll find the words. I just really think it would be easiest on both of us if I did it while he is gone. If I do it in person there will be massive resentment and strangeness between us in the remaining 4 days before he goes, and he still has a lot of things to take care of.
carhill Posted February 20, 2012 Posted February 20, 2012 If anything, I would think it's more important for her to be moved out before he goes, so he has the chance to secure his place himself before he goes. If the ending is volatile and there is little trust, that sounds like a healthy path. If they are amicable and there is trust, IME, timing is less of a factor. OP, when is the lease up and are you listed on it as a lessee? That's also a factor because, if you are, along with BF, you are legally jointly and severally entitled to and responsible for the premises until the end of the lease or until the lessor releases you legally. Since the timetable has moved up, it's impractical IMO to break up and move out in three/four days, assuming OP has 'stuff' beyond her toiletries and clothes. She needs to find a place to live and that can take time. So, my advice would be to approach the decision as calmly as possible and resolve the logistics of moving out prior to his departure. IME, there is really no 'good' time to end a relationship; it nearly always hurts and raises logistical issues. One must just push through and get 'er done. Good luck and my sympathies.
Emilia Posted February 20, 2012 Posted February 20, 2012 I just really think it would be easiest on both of us if I did it while he is gone. If I do it in person there will be massive resentment and strangeness between us in the remaining 4 days before he goes, and he still has a lot of things to take care of. He might find closure easier if you talk to him face to face though
Author tigressA Posted February 20, 2012 Author Posted February 20, 2012 I'm not listed on the lease. It's done in April. He has leave through early May. He could return in as little as 2-3 weeks, though. Ideally I would like to be out of the apartment before he returns. I feel the breakup could be volatile on his end.
kaylan Posted February 20, 2012 Posted February 20, 2012 Be a grown up and do it before he leaves. If you cowardly do it when hes thousands of miles away, you will look like the bad guy. And personally, as a guy, Id see that as a red flag. I dont see how its easier for him, that you dump him when hes back in his homeland with family and friends. That would make his trip super worse than if you had the decency to dump him before he left.
carhill Posted February 20, 2012 Posted February 20, 2012 I'd suggest getting some rental applications in while you work this out. Nothing has to come of them but it's better to be prepared and approved and, if you don't have a leasing history, that can be a bit more time-consuming. Also, since you're not on the lease, he can, dependent on jurisdiction, legally lock you out (meaning change the locks). So, I guess that's a factor too, regarding timing. Perhaps that's overreaching, but I've heard plenty as a landlord. Also, is he currently in his 'clean' period with the MJ?
Author tigressA Posted February 20, 2012 Author Posted February 20, 2012 I'd suggest getting some rental applications in while you work this out. Nothing has to come of them but it's better to be prepared and approved and, if you don't have a leasing history, that can be a bit more time-consuming. Also, since you're not on the lease, he can, dependent on jurisdiction, legally lock you out (meaning change the locks). So, I guess that's a factor too, regarding timing. Perhaps that's overreaching, but I've heard plenty as a landlord. Also, is he currently in his 'clean' period with the MJ? I'm looking for a roommate situation, not my own place--I currently can't afford my own place. So a rental application is kind of moot. I was thinking that too--if I break up with him before he goes and he takes it badly, he is within his rights to demand the duplicate key and boot me out before I am even remotely ready to leave since I am not on the lease. I can't completely trust he wouldn't do that to me, given his prior volatile reactions to things. I am looking out for myself here. And yes, he is clean.
carhill Posted February 20, 2012 Posted February 20, 2012 Cool, replace 'rental application' with 'roomer application' and get that sorted as, at this point, it appears it is a matter of 'when' rather than 'if'. You can still change your mind. Also, consider figuring out how to 'get 'er done' and moved before he leaves so, if your talk impels such action, the plan is there and ready to execute. If you had to choose, would you rather break up when he's 'clean' or when he's 'high'? You mentioned 'volatility' so I'm wondering about that.
Kamille Posted February 20, 2012 Posted February 20, 2012 I'm looking for a roommate situation, not my own place--I currently can't afford my own place. So a rental application is kind of moot. I was thinking that too--if I break up with him before he goes and he takes it badly, he is within his rights to demand the duplicate key and boot me out before I am even remotely ready to leave since I am not on the lease. I can't completely trust he wouldn't do that to me, given his prior volatile reactions to things. I am looking out for myself here. T, do you have any friends in your current city who could offer a couch until you find an adequate rooming situation? Alternatively, look into your city's list of emergency housing. Some of it might be suitable for the short term. This isn't the first time you use housing as a reason to delay breaking up. Are you sure breaking up is what you want? Edited to add: totally agree with Carhill, there is no reason why you shouldn't be filling out rooming applications if you are serious about ending this relationship.
zengirl Posted February 20, 2012 Posted February 20, 2012 I think it's a hard call in general. The word "volatile" worries me, so I can see where you're coming from if you literally have nowhere to go and no claim to where you live and fear he'd do something drastic (all the more reason this relationship isn't a healthy one, honestly). If you fear for safety and security, I can see that trumping ending it in person, but not just to make it "easier." He doesn't have a choice either way, so it's not really making it any easier on him -- don't kid yourself there.
Author tigressA Posted February 20, 2012 Author Posted February 20, 2012 T, do you have any friends in your current city who could offer a couch until you find an adequate rooming situation? Alternatively, look into your city's list of emergency housing. Some of it might be suitable for the short term. This isn't the first time you use housing as a reason to delay breaking up. Are you sure breaking up is what you want? Edited to add: totally agree with Carhill, there is no reason why you shouldn't be filling out rooming applications if you are serious about ending this relationship. I am responding to ads. I started a little while ago. No, I don't think breaking up is what I really want. I am still pretty confused. I love him so much and I know he loves me but I think breaking up may be what's best. A lot of times what one wants and what may be/is best are very different. Thinking about it, 'volatile' is too strong a word. And the one time he told me himself that we were over (I didn't write about that incident here), before we reconciled he did say he would give me enough time to vacate. And that was when he was really pissed. So I'm really just making an excuse based on a fear that is largely unfounded yet still possible (because anything is possible).
Mme. Chaucer Posted February 20, 2012 Posted February 20, 2012 Check Craigslist and couchsurfing.com. Also, I think you have a lot of input on how this goes down. I don't think he will "put you out" if you handle yourself with control and do NOT resort to fighting. If you do fight, I can see it culminating in him "throwing you out," but if you speak and behave deliberately, thoughtfully and with respect for the relationship that the two of you have been sharing, it will be difficult for him to go all ballistic all by himself. That usually takes two. I do think you have to watch out for the message of "you didn't do what I wanted (re the pot) , so now I'm gonna punish you." You are breaking up with him because of a combination of issues, right? This is not a piece of a power struggle dynamic?
Emilia Posted February 20, 2012 Posted February 20, 2012 I'm not listed on the lease. It's done in April. He has leave through early May. He could return in as little as 2-3 weeks, though. Ideally I would like to be out of the apartment before he returns. I feel the breakup could be volatile on his end. Is that really true or are you looking for a cop-out?
Author tigressA Posted February 20, 2012 Author Posted February 20, 2012 I had suggested to him over the last couple of days that his time away might be good for us, as a time to reflect. He didn't seem terribly put off by that. At the very least, I will tell him about all that I am feeling tonight. And perhaps we can decide on the best course of action together. Last night he was restless and he told me he is considering going into therapy. Maybe this won't be so bad.
Star Gazer Posted February 21, 2012 Posted February 21, 2012 Let me make sure I understand this. You decided to tell him for the first time that his continued use of pot was a dealbreaker, and you did so via FB chat. You refused to find your phone charger so that you could talk voice to voice on the phone about it, a behavior you've stated will end your relationship if it doesn't change. Are those correct facts? If so, do you think this was an appropriate way to throw down this ultimatum?
Old Flame Posted February 21, 2012 Posted February 21, 2012 If a girl came at me about smoking pot and gave me an ultimatum, I'd just smile and say "Don't let the door hit you on the ass on your way out." The problem IS that you DON'T SMOKE POT. I couldn't and wouldn't be with a girl that doesn't smoke pot, because I don't like stupid people.
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