InJest Posted February 19, 2012 Posted February 19, 2012 "He frames it as me doing 'nothing'. It's insulting." He probably feels the same way, even if you phrase it in a rosy, cutesy, "it's affecting our relationship" way. What it comes across as is, "that's stupid, and I don't like it". Hell, from what you described, he can't handle himself and it is stupid, but to him it's not.
Author tigressA Posted February 19, 2012 Author Posted February 19, 2012 If he thought that my interest impacted the relationship, like he didn't feel he was getting enough time with me because of it, etc, then I'd be understanding and more willing to compromise. But he doesn't frame it like that. He frames it as me doing 'nothing'. It's insulting. I should correct this. He has asked me before to drop stuff and spend time with him, and I would do it. The only times I didn't do it when he asked was when he was high and I didn't want to interact with him then anyway. Aside from it being illegal, I have an issue with his pot smoking primarily because it turns him into a completely different person who I do not want to be around. That is different from demanding your partner drops one of their hobbies because you think they could be doing something better with their time.
ScreamingTrees Posted February 19, 2012 Posted February 19, 2012 (edited) So, he basically doesn't find intellectual pursuit worth anything. He'd rather smoke pot all day and do nothing to be productive. That's what you want? Edited February 19, 2012 by ScreamingTrees
Author tigressA Posted February 19, 2012 Author Posted February 19, 2012 So, he basically doesn't find intellectual pursuit worth anything. He'd rather smoke pot all day and do nothing to be productive. That's what you want? Whoa, it's not that extreme. It's not like he's a do-nothing. He's good-on-paper--highly educated, 'good' job. He doesn't read the news, but he watches it. I don't think he's very happy with his life, though. He sometimes sounds like he wishes he were doing something else. He has said things before about our relationship being 'boring'. I think it's because we don't go out much apart from running errands. Me, I'm pretty good with where I'm at in life. I have goals I'm working toward. I don't really complain about my life. Sure I have bad days, but I'm not bored with life or our relationship overall.
Author tigressA Posted February 19, 2012 Author Posted February 19, 2012 He finally offered to quit 'if that's what will make (you) happy'. But not before additional conflict. I asked him what he meant when he said he will 'try to curb it' and will quit 'eventually' and he couldn't give me a straight answer. I told him he sounds like someone with a dependency on pot and it wasn't something I had signed on for. He said, "F*ck you, do whatever you want, break up with me, I'll smoke every day, everyone is happy." I was really shocked by that. I told him he sounds like he has an issue, and that sort of thing wasn't what I signed on for. He said he isn't dependent, he can quit tomorrow. Isn't that just the sort of thing addicts say? He thought it was insulting that I called him an addict. After some more exchanges he officially gave me his word that he is quitting. He said he loves me and wants me, I said, okay, so what do we do? He said, I quit if it makes you happy. I let him know my appreciation. No apology for his outburst.
Titania22 Posted February 19, 2012 Posted February 19, 2012 He finally offered to quit 'if that's what will make (you) happy'. But not before additional conflict. I asked him what he meant when he said he will 'try to curb it' and will quit 'eventually' and he couldn't give me a straight answer. I told him he sounds like someone with a dependency on pot and it wasn't something I had signed on for. He said, "F*ck you, do whatever you want, break up with me, I'll smoke every day, everyone is happy." I was really shocked by that. I told him he sounds like he has an issue, and that sort of thing wasn't what I signed on for. He said he isn't dependent, he can quit tomorrow. Isn't that just the sort of thing addicts say? He thought it was insulting that I called him an addict. After some more exchanges he officially gave me his word that he is quitting. He said he loves me and wants me, I said, okay, so what do we do? He said, I quit if it makes you happy. I let him know my appreciation. No apology for his outburst. Reminds me of so many interactions I had when I was married. Just don't be a fool like me, and not dump him immediately, if it turns out he goes back to it in a few months. I personally was too scared to because i had a small child and was pregnant, but I would have been better off in the long run if I had kicked him out at that point.
Author tigressA Posted February 19, 2012 Author Posted February 19, 2012 Reminds me of so many interactions I had when I was married. Just don't be a fool like me, and not dump him immediately, if it turns out he goes back to it in a few months. I personally was too scared to because i had a small child and was pregnant, but I would have been better off in the long run if I had kicked him out at that point. You're right...I really think I've had it. We had a pointless argument just because I wouldn't look for my phone charger to charge my phone so we could talk--we were already talking on FB chat, and I wasn't talking to anyone else. He had my undivided attention. He said when it comes to him I just make all these excuses while I can stay up until 3 A.M. talking to my friends. I tried to calm him down but he was intractable. He said "Whatever, bye" in response to my "I love you". I have started looking for a place.
Titania22 Posted February 19, 2012 Posted February 19, 2012 You're right...I really think I've had it. We had a pointless argument just because I wouldn't look for my phone charger to charge my phone so we could talk--we were already talking on FB chat, and I wasn't talking to anyone else. He had my undivided attention. He said when it comes to him I just make all these excuses while I can stay up until 3 A.M. talking to my friends. I tried to calm him down but he was intractable. He said "Whatever, bye" in response to my "I love you". I have started looking for a place. Good for you Tigress!
Professor X Posted February 19, 2012 Posted February 19, 2012 You're right...I really think I've had it. We had a pointless argument just because I wouldn't look for my phone charger to charge my phone so we could talk--we were already talking on FB chat, and I wasn't talking to anyone else. He had my undivided attention. He said when it comes to him I just make all these excuses while I can stay up until 3 A.M. talking to my friends. I tried to calm him down but he was intractable. He said "Whatever, bye" in response to my "I love you". I have started looking for a place. Good, I hope you will actually see this through.
Eternal Sunshine Posted February 19, 2012 Posted February 19, 2012 Tigressa, I hope that you are genuinely upset over pot and are not just picking fights because of general discontent and restlessness. I used to do that in my last R and couldn't really distinguish between what was really important to me and what was a minor thing (not saying that pot is minor). I think that you both picking fights over minor issues (like the phone charging) is a sign of frustration on both sides. Few weeks before my relationship went down in flames, we had those pointless fights nearly every day. We still assured each other that we are deeply in love, cuddled, had sex, spent all time together. Sometimes those things ("I love yous") are said or done out of habit or fear. Try to decide what you want to do - if you are in or out and the be strong enough to follow through. Otherwise, the decision could be made for you.
Author tigressA Posted February 19, 2012 Author Posted February 19, 2012 He was the one who went ballistic over the phone charger. I was trying to calm him down and reason with him but he just kept on going. I didn't want to fight at all. I told him how I felt about the smoking; he became defensive, swearing at me and saying he's not an addict, he can quit anytime he wants, and why should he have to quit when he can just not smoke around me. I still don't know if he said he'd quit to really make our relationship better, or to get me to shut up about it. It's done, anyway. His hostile reaction tells me a lot about his intention to quit--that it won't last long. And then I'll have been a fool for staying.
Kamille Posted February 19, 2012 Posted February 19, 2012 I haven't really been on LS in the past few months - and it seems like a lot of posters are more in the know of your dynamic than I am. So take what I say with a grain of salt. Neither one of you seems to have any clue how to compromise. You went from: "I told him I won't ever bug him about smoking pot" to "If I tell him how I don't like it, he will likely offer to stop." to "I told him I don't like it and he (shocker) didn't immediately offer to stop" to "He now offered to stop but I don't believe him." So yesterday was the first day you made it clear that you had changed your mind about pot. That a human being reacts with self-defensiveness when told his actions aren't appreciated, while not laudable, shouldn't come as a surprise. I usually don't expect my partners to jump to it when I first broach an issue. I rather approach it as: I have an issue with this, is there anything we can do to solve it. You did, from what I gather: "I have an issue with this", had expectations as to how you wanted him to react and then took offense when he didn't react the way you wanted him to. I'm not saying he's handling it well. Trying to turn it on you and to make it about you changing too is childish (it's not compromise, it's passive aggression). But both of you seem to be mistrustful of the motives of the other. Do you believe he has your best interest at heart? Do you have his best interest at heart? Compounded to all this is the fact that his consumption of pot might be an addiction. You seem to titter in your appreciation of this, at times acting like he is an addict (like when you think he won't be able to keep his word) at others expecting him to be able to act and react like a non-addict. But no matter what he is, you seem to always choose the worse possible explanation. Why would that be?
Author tigressA Posted February 19, 2012 Author Posted February 19, 2012 (edited) I haven't really been on LS in the past few months - and it seems like a lot of posters are more in the know of your dynamic than I am. So take what I say with a grain of salt. Neither one of you seems to have any clue how to compromise. You went from: "I told him I won't ever bug him about smoking pot" to "If I tell him how I don't like it, he will likely offer to stop." to "I told him I don't like it and he (shocker) didn't immediately offer to stop" to "He now offered to stop but I don't believe him." So yesterday was the first day you made it clear that you had changed your mind about pot. That a human being reacts with self-defensiveness when told his actions aren't appreciated, while not laudable, shouldn't come as a surprise. I usually don't expect my partners to jump to it when I first broach an issue. I rather approach it as: I have an issue with this, is there anything we can do to solve it. You did, from what I gather: "I have an issue with this", had expectations as to how you wanted him to react and then took offense when he didn't react the way you wanted him to. I'm not saying he's handling it well. Trying to turn it on you and to make it about you changing too is childish (it's not compromise, it's passive aggression). But both of you seem to be mistrustful of the motives of the other. Do you believe he has your best interest at heart? Do you have his best interest at heart? Compounded to all this is the fact that his consumption of pot might be an addiction. You seem to titter in your appreciation of this, at times acting like he is an addict (like when you think he won't be able to keep his word) at others expecting him to be able to act and react like a non-addict. But no matter what he is, you seem to always choose the worse possible explanation. Why would that be? I didn't say "I wouldn't ever bug him about smoking pot." I said, "I'm not a fan of your smoking, but I won't try to push you into quitting." That was when I thought I could deal with it, but the kind of person he becomes when he smokes isn't something I can deal with anymore. He had also quit without any prompting from me for a month or so, but then started up again as frequently as ever last month. I made it clear to him that it was the effect pot smoking had on him that I primarily didn't like, rather than the smoking itself. He then called me self-centered because I didn't focus on reasons why it's bad for him. Like anyone who hasn't been living under a rock doesn't know why pot is bad for you and needs to be reminded. I did ask him what we could do after I let him know my feelings, and that was when he suggested merely not smoking around me. That was when I said, "Well, how would that work? Would you smoke any less, or at the same frequency? If it's at the same frequency, you will be out every night for a week or more every other month. And would you drive back home while high, would you put yourself in danger like that?" He has a friend or two who he would smoke with sometimes, and naturally, it's not like he would go over there just to smoke and the friend would be the DD. Everyone there would certainly be getting high, so there would be no one sober to get BF back safely. He didn't really have an answer to any of that, he told me to 'cut him some slack', I told him he sounded like he had a dependency issue, he got pissed. When he said he'd quit, it seemed like something he said just to get me off his back, based on the way the conversation was going. He said "I will quit if that's what makes you happy." I was okay with that, but then he got pissed just because I didn't want to look for my phone charger to talk to him on the phone before he went to bed. I eventually started looking for it but told him I couldn't find it, he said I was making excuses to not talk to him, he reacted extremely coldly when I said goodnight. That was the straw that broke the camel's back. I thought, "I'm already talking to you and you have my undivided attention, but you are swearing at me because you are convinced I am making up excuses to not speak to you on the phone. That is unbelievably hostile." Edited February 19, 2012 by tigressA
johan Posted February 19, 2012 Posted February 19, 2012 (edited) Why would that be? Resentment would cause this. That comes from the fact that she doesn't feel he respects her. His expletive filled responses are evidence of that. I get the impression that bickering is not uncommon between them. I expect they both will look back on this relationship as a learning experience. At this point neither is quite mature enough to to meet the other's needs, and there is too much resentment in the way for things to improve. A fresh start is going to be needed, when the time is right. Edited February 19, 2012 by johan
whichwayisup Posted February 19, 2012 Posted February 19, 2012 He's all over the place, moody and defensive. Drugs can do that to someone. I am sorry that things aren't working out, pile on the drug issue with some other things and the dynamic between you two, it is best (for you) that you move out. I know you love him, and he does love you too though he's chosen his lifestyle and what he wants to do over compromising and changing some bad habits to have a better relationship. It's sad and I hope one day he wakes up.
TheFinalWord Posted February 19, 2012 Posted February 19, 2012 I can tell you that people don't stop doing drugs to make other people happy. Real change has to come from within.
Author tigressA Posted February 19, 2012 Author Posted February 19, 2012 I can tell you that people don't stop doing drugs to make other people happy. Real change has to come from within. I understand...I am starting to regret the conversation I started with him because of this. I think I did the better thing when I first told him I wasn't going to try to push him into quitting. A couple months after that he had quit of his own accord. But then he started back up again and before he said he would quit 'to make me happy' he said he didn't want to quit but that he could 'whenever he wanted to'. It's pretty clear from all this that he has a problem with pot...and quitting for someone else won't last long under these circumstances, so that is why I will likely end up playing myself for a fool if I stay.
93TheHitStick Posted February 19, 2012 Posted February 19, 2012 Pot stays fresh for like ever. Its a dried flower. Dried flowers don't go bad. But i think you are overreacting. If he wants to smoke let him smoke. If he only smokes 2 weeks out of every month i don't think it is a very big deal. Talk to him about acting like a douche bag. Grabbing you and stuff. And maybe have a set time of when he can smoke everyday. But i also think you need to get oveer it. Especially if you already knew he smoked. i smoke on a daily basis. I am high right now. My girlfriend is super straight edge. It has never caused problems because i have smoked since she met me. So she knew she wasn't gonna get me to stop.
93TheHitStick Posted February 19, 2012 Posted February 19, 2012 I understand...I am starting to regret the conversation I started with him because of this. I think I did the better thing when I first told him I wasn't going to try to push him into quitting. A couple months after that he had quit of his own accord. But then he started back up again and before he said he would quit 'to make me happy' he said he didn't want to quit but that he could 'whenever he wanted to'. It's pretty clear from all this that he has a problem with pot...and quitting for someone else won't last long under these circumstances, so that is why I will likely end up playing myself for a fool if I stay. Pot isn't addicting. The fact that he only smokes two weeks out of every month proves he isn't addicted. he is quitting for two weeks to let his tolerance drop back down. I think you are the one who has a problem with pot. Not him. He is a grown man. If he wants to smoke he can. Pot has no negative effects on your health unless you smoke it. And that is simply because of the smoke damaging your lungs. Just break up with him if you hate pot that much. If you loved him i don't see why it would be this big of a problem. When he is high he acts high. But other than that weed obviously doesn't effect his life in any negative way.
Kamille Posted February 19, 2012 Posted February 19, 2012 Pot isn't addicting. The fact that he only smokes two weeks out of every month proves he isn't addicted. he is quitting for two weeks to let his tolerance drop back down. There's a lot of debate about Marijuana being addictive or not. It has very little physical withdrawal effects, which isn't exactly the same as saying it isn't addictive. From this article in Psychology today. Note, earlier in the article the author reports the addiction levels for other uses. Cocaine, for instance, stands at 17%. I guess this means many people use the drug and never feel the need to use it again, or to use it regularly: So, to wrap up, is marijuana addictive? For most people, no. About 10% of recreational users will develop problems serve enough to impair their work and relationships. Many more will come to depend on pot for relaxation and social purposes. This will be problematic if they don't learn more effective coping mechanisms and come to rely on marijuana instead of solving their problems. When ready, most people will be able to quit with only mild withdrawal symptoms. Even so, T, is your biggest concern really that you don't want to be played for a fool? I don't understand your relationship. It seems to regularly boil down to who's wrong and who's right. It feels like you two are incredibly involved into trying to change each other - as if your relationship needs change. Maybe no one needs to change and you should both just admit you aren't compatible. That, for whatever reason, this relationship isn't making either of you happy. (Or is it?)
Kamille Posted February 19, 2012 Posted February 19, 2012 Another tack, if you want to stay together, is to start trying to figure out why it is this relationship isn't making you happy and work on that - but leaving trying to change each other out of the possibilities. Accept the things you cannot change, and have the courage to change the things you can. And here's the link to the PT article I cited earlier: http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-teenage-mind/201012/is-marijuana-addictive
Professor X Posted February 19, 2012 Posted February 19, 2012 Pot isn't addicting. The fact that he only smokes two weeks out of every month proves he isn't addicted. he is quitting for two weeks to let his tolerance drop back down. I think you are the one who has a problem with pot. Not him. He is a grown man. If he wants to smoke he can. Pot has no negative effects on your health unless you smoke it. And that is simply because of the smoke damaging your lungs. Just break up with him if you hate pot that much. If you loved him i don't see why it would be this big of a problem. When he is high he acts high. But other than that weed obviously doesn't effect his life in any negative way. While weed itself does not contain addictive substances, you can for certain get addicted to the effects it gives, much like how online games today are considered addictive even though they don't have ANY chemical substance that hooks you up - they fill a need / world / whatever that after some point, you don't wanna live without. That being said, you should also know that marijuana does have side effects, that does not affect everyone, but affects enough to make a difference. Among the common side effects you can find: speed up the heart, blood and breathing rate - which taxes the body, in addition marijuana side effects also wreak havoc on the brain when the drug is used habitually. The natural chemical balance of the brain is disrupted affecting the pleasure centers and regulatory systems, as a result the ability to learn, remember and adapt quickly to changes is impaired by marijuana use. Oh and, what I mention can come from eating marijuana, not just smoking
johan Posted February 19, 2012 Posted February 19, 2012 I'm not sure there needs to be a line drawn between habit-forming and addictive. Tobacco is really both, if you listen to a smoker. Not only do they feel a physical need to smoke, but they also often refer to cigarettes as a "friend" or an emotional crutch. To me the physical part is the addiction. And the emotional part is the habit. Video games are often referred to ad "addictive" when they may simply be habit forming. They stimulate people's obsessive tendencies and they provide an emotional crutch in the form of an escape. Pot may be the same way. A "friend" that provides the chance to escape. Maybe it just boils down to what people think the definition of the terms is. And in the end, it doesn't matter much, because the real question is whether use of whatever it is is jeopardizing your health or distracting you from achieving important objectives, such as maintaining a healthy relationship or a good employment record. And if so, which is more important, your "friend" or your goals.
Author tigressA Posted February 19, 2012 Author Posted February 19, 2012 Another tack, if you want to stay together, is to start trying to figure out why it is this relationship isn't making you happy and work on that - but leaving trying to change each other out of the possibilities. Accept the things you cannot change, and have the courage to change the things you can. And here's the link to the PT article I cited earlier: Is Marijuana Addictive? | Psychology Today I don't really want to stay together. We love each other, yes...but I don't think we can be truly happy with each other anymore. Like Johan said, there's a lot of resentment. Conveniently, he's leaving in less than 2 weeks and he will be away for at least a month, maybe 2. I will vacate his place when he is away. He will take the news better when he is at home in India with his family and old friends; he'll have a readily available support system and he will be able to get used to the idea of me not being here when he gets back. The lease will have run out, so he can start fresh with a new place of his own.
PelicanPete Posted February 19, 2012 Posted February 19, 2012 Pot isn't addicting. The fact that he only smokes two weeks out of every month proves he isn't addicted. he is quitting for two weeks to let his tolerance drop back down. Anything done over long periods of time can become addicting. Honestly, tigress, your boyfriend sounds a lot like my father. Dad was a drug addict for over 30 years, and I was raised with the constant confusion that went with it. Even if your boyfriend says he'll quit for you, he's only going to hide it or find some other intoxicating habit to replace it. There's a reason he went back to it a month later after he said he was going to stop. It's not the drug itself that is addictive, it's the reasons for using it. He'll go through every other option at his disposal before he quits doing it - it's human nature. You guys aren't married, so speaking from experience, I'd say get out while you still can. Pot is only his first line of defense with holding back whatever emotional problems he is trying to ignore.
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