ScreamingTrees Posted February 18, 2012 Posted February 18, 2012 Admittedly, I'm younger than everyone here, but most of my experiences with soft drugs like pot were negative. Even had a best friend who smoked it ALL of the time for several years.. Conversations were stagnant. I couldn't relate to someone who spent a majority of their time doing, thinking and talking about doing pot.. If he talked about other things, he didn't bother trying to talk about other **** with me, ironically. He might've talked about cars, but I was never big on cars. I'd say you talk to the guy and make it known that it's a really big deal for you. The kid I was talking about was in high school, I assume this guy isn't anymore. I know that pot isn't necessarily the worst thing out there, but it seems as though some of the worst people are drawn to it.. Or it can potentially bring out the worst in otherwise awesome people. (I'd like to believe it to be the latter)
xpaperxcutx Posted February 18, 2012 Posted February 18, 2012 I'm to the point where I strongly dislike being around him when he's high, and his behavior while high is impacting how I feel about him when he isn't high. With the way he is toward me sexually after he's smoked, as I detailed in the OP, I've started fantasizing about others--even my ex--every so often when we have sex. And we haven't been having sex as often. I feel terrible admitting that. But it's what's started to happen. I would, at the very least, rather he would smoke away from me/when I am not around. But at the frequency he does it, that would be an issue too. I wouldn't want him to be away from me every night for a week or more every month/every other month just to get high. So I need to see if he would quit. You just listed all your red flags here. You cannot give him leeway on something you disagree with, that's merely giving him the opportunity to test your boundaries, of which he is already doing. What do YOU want, TA? You're literally walking on eggshells because you cannot accept as he is now. And changing him could change the dynamics of this relationship. However if accepting him means being unhappy then maybe this relationship can only be shortlived.
Author tigressA Posted February 18, 2012 Author Posted February 18, 2012 What do YOU want, TA? You're literally walking on eggshells because you cannot accept as he is now. And changing him could change the dynamics of this relationship. However if accepting him means being unhappy then maybe this relationship can only be shortlived. I am going to let him know how his pot smoking habit makes me feel. And I will see what he does. I am pretty confident that once he knows how his smoking is affecting me, he won't want to smoke anymore.
johan Posted February 18, 2012 Posted February 18, 2012 I personally feel like as always, u are just looking for issues in your relationship. What serious sith do U need to discuss every night that he can't make into a joke? Instead of an ultimtum, can't u just ask him to smoke less? Was there an earthquake while you were typing? 1
Author tigressA Posted February 19, 2012 Author Posted February 19, 2012 Well, I let him know how I feel about it. "Point taken. I will try to not bother you at all when I smoke." No offer to quit. He got defensive, saying "Well if you have such a problem I won't f*cking smoke in front of you. It is always what you like or don't like." I said, "I'm just telling you how this makes me feel. Thanks for making your feelings clear." I told him I would like him to not smoke pot anymore. He said, "BTW be ready to change some of your habits I don't like if you want me to quit pot." I think we've reached the end.
Els Posted February 19, 2012 Posted February 19, 2012 I think we've reached the end. TA, if you read my posts for the past 3 years, I rarely point-blank advise people to leave. In fact, you can count the number of times I've done so on your digits. In your case, I've followed the majority of your posts for the past year. I strongly, strongly agree that you should leave. For your sake, I really hope you follow through with the bolded. I hope you have taken steps to get a place lined up for yourself and somewhere to go, after the last fiasco?
johan Posted February 19, 2012 Posted February 19, 2012 My honest opinion is that you need a guy way more mature than he is. That's partly because it takes maturity to be in a relationship at all, and also because you're a bit petulant and you need a guy who can rise above that. He might have a right to feel annoyed at the imbalances in your relationship, but his hostile response tells me he doesn't know how to deal with them. In the same way you need a man who will be the leader in the relationship, he needs a woman who will.
EasyHeart Posted February 19, 2012 Posted February 19, 2012 That's very sad. I just read thru this thread and my main thought was that it isn't really the pot smoking that's the issue, but the effect it has on your BF. I've had women give me stupid ultimatums in the past (like me not being allowed to watch "Survivor" or not being allowed to drink skim milk), but the difference here is that his pot smoking has a direct effect on you. Habits that have little or no effect on the other person should be accepted and tolerated, but something like this is big because it has a major impact on your relationship. I wouldn't like it if my SO got gropy and stupid on a regular basis. 2
TheBigQuestion Posted February 19, 2012 Posted February 19, 2012 Drop some LSD with him. If you guys don't "vibe" together after that, then yeah, I would recommend breaking up too. Only half-joking. LSD experiences can be profoundly positive when taken with significant others. With that said, what is it with this board and the antipathy towards marijuana use?
Author tigressA Posted February 19, 2012 Author Posted February 19, 2012 That's very sad. I just read thru this thread and my main thought was that it isn't really the pot smoking that's the issue, but the effect it has on your BF. I've had women give me stupid ultimatums in the past (like me not being allowed to watch "Survivor" or not being allowed to drink skim milk), but the difference here is that his pot smoking has a direct effect on you. Habits that have little or no effect on the other person should be accepted and tolerated, but something like this is big because it has a major impact on your relationship. I wouldn't like it if my SO got gropy and stupid on a regular basis. That's exactly it. I actually wouldn't mind it at all if it didn't change him into the person it does, but it does. There's no way around that. And that I tried telling him this and he called me self-centered because I didn't go into how it affects him is...well...I don't really have any words for that.
Titania22 Posted February 19, 2012 Posted February 19, 2012 That's exactly it. I actually wouldn't mind it at all if it didn't change him into the person it does, but it does. There's no way around that. And that I tried telling him this and he called me self-centered because I didn't go into how it affects him is...well...I don't really have any words for that. Could you try filming him high and play it back to him afterwards?
TheBigQuestion Posted February 19, 2012 Posted February 19, 2012 That's exactly it. I actually wouldn't mind it at all if it didn't change him into the person it does, but it does. There's no way around that. And that I tried telling him this and he called me self-centered because I didn't go into how it affects him is...well...I don't really have any words for that. Does he take ridiculously huge hits and/or smoke way too much each time? If so, that pretty much transforms everyone's personality to intolerable. Most long-term users I know learn to moderate themselves after the age of, oh I don't know, 19 or so.
fortyninethousand322 Posted February 19, 2012 Posted February 19, 2012 Could you try filming him high and play it back to him afterwards? Worst case scenario it ends up as a viral hit on youtube.
Author tigressA Posted February 19, 2012 Author Posted February 19, 2012 Does he take ridiculously huge hits and/or smoke way too much each time? If so, that pretty much transforms everyone's personality to intolerable. Most long-term users I know learn to moderate themselves after the age of, oh I don't know, 19 or so. Yeah, he shuts himself up in the bathroom for a good 5+ minutes and I can hear him coughing. He has one of those big expensive glass bongs. He says, "I really enjoy it. BTW I feel very close and romantic with you when I'm smoking, it's unfortunate that you feel the exact opposite. I can smoke once in awhile and it won't be around you. I thought you were different from other girls, I thought you were a free spirit, spontaneous, all about having fun. And you yourself smoked pot." I knew that was coming. The guilt trip. Making it all about how I am a prude and a hypocrite. I can count the number of times I smoked on one hand; I never made a habit out of it.
daphne Posted February 19, 2012 Posted February 19, 2012 Hey Tigressa, I had a gf that met a guy she was crazy about, and she issued a meek ultimatum about pot smoking. That she didn't think she would make it long term with someone who was a pot head. The guy was my friend initially, and when she suggested that she wasn't happy, he dumped her cold. He was a complete ass. I remember the time when they were broken up and I asked him where she was. I also told him he'd better figure himself out, because he wasn't likely to get another one that good any time soon. He eventually went back but was disrespectful and would blow pot smoke in her face. They're married now, and he has given it up. But I think you have more issues with your bf than just the pot so I don't want to give you a rosy picture. They're married, but he's still an ass. lol I don't know what it is about pot smokers. I inadvertently dated 2 myself, but it didn't last because I can't stand it. Fortunately, neither rarely was high around me. It's very much a deal breaker for me. The behavior is just retarded.
Author tigressA Posted February 19, 2012 Author Posted February 19, 2012 I really think we're over now. I don't think there's any coming back from this. He is insisting that I give up something that annoys him if he is going to quit smoking pot. He doesn't get that there is a difference between choosing to do something else altogether, and doing something high or sober. He said I don't understand what it's like. I said, "That is what stoners say. I had friends who were stoners and they all said that same exact thing." Ultimately I said, "Well, that's fine. Go smoke pot, do it here, do it outside, do it in f*cking Dubai, I don't care. Just don't get upset if I can hardly have sex with you again." He is going away in less than 2 weeks, for what could be up to 2 months. I will move out while he is gone.
Mme. Chaucer Posted February 19, 2012 Posted February 19, 2012 That's disheartening. It has seemed that he is not willing to put any work into this relationship, though; I get the idea that from his point of view, his financial contributions are more than enough. 1
Carlos S Posted February 19, 2012 Posted February 19, 2012 *hugs* sad to hear. But I'm sure it's all for the best. From my experiences with living with a pot smoker (he also drank and smoked), I would expect that you would have had negligible effect on whether he stops. When it enters his system it changes who he is and makes him feel so good.
Author tigressA Posted February 19, 2012 Author Posted February 19, 2012 This is such an ironic juxtaposition to Valentine's Day, when he surprised me with my favorite flowers and a candlelit dinner, and he said "You don't have to do anything for me, you are already you" and all this stuff about how I am the best thing to ever happen to him. Apparently that's only when I don't make noise about his pot habit.
ThaWholigan Posted February 19, 2012 Posted February 19, 2012 I never realised weed was such a dealbreaker to people Oh well, good thing I already quit
Els Posted February 19, 2012 Posted February 19, 2012 He is insisting that I give up something that annoys him if he is going to quit smoking pot. I still agree with breaking up and all, but why do you find this to be wrong? 1
johan Posted February 19, 2012 Posted February 19, 2012 I still agree with breaking up and all, but why do you find this to be wrong? Tit for tat seems a bit childish, if you ask me.
Star Gazer Posted February 19, 2012 Posted February 19, 2012 Tit for tat seems a bit childish, if you ask me. Unless there's something he's been truly bothered by that's equally important to him as his pot smoking is to her. It's very possible he's expressed this to her repeatedly as well. We often only get one side of the story.
johan Posted February 19, 2012 Posted February 19, 2012 We often only get one side of the story. That never happens, Star.
Author tigressA Posted February 19, 2012 Author Posted February 19, 2012 Unless there's something he's been truly bothered by that's equally important to him as his pot smoking is to her. It's very possible he's expressed this to her repeatedly as well. We often only get one side of the story. Oh, he's had issues with me--but nothing that makes me change into a completely different person like his pot smoking does. Any issue he's had with me has had to do with my ambition/goals/hobbies/diet. For example, he thinks I use the Internet a lot. Sure, I do. I read the news (particularly politics), I talk with my friends (FB/Gmail), I do research for my start-up, I post on this forum. He, however, wants me to find 'other things to do'. He doesn't think it's a worthy interest. It's not about having an impact on the relationship, for him. It's about me finding new hobbies to better fit in with him. He suggested going outside, going to the gym. I hate gyms. I think they're a huge waste of money. I get my exercise by walking to work. He knows this. But HE goes to the gym, so I should want to, too. If he thought that my interest impacted the relationship, like he didn't feel he was getting enough time with me because of it, etc, then I'd be understanding and more willing to compromise. But he doesn't frame it like that. He frames it as me doing 'nothing'. It's insulting.
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