tigressA Posted February 18, 2012 Posted February 18, 2012 I had tried to stuff down my resentment toward my BF's use of marijuana, thinking that it wasn't a big deal and I was being unreasonable, but it's a real issue. I had to finally admit to myself that it is doing damage to our relationship and my ability to commit to him. He doesn't smoke it every single day but when he gets a supply, which is on average once every other month or so, he smokes every single day until it is gone, which can take at least a week, sometimes 2 or more. Every time he smokes, it's an unpleasant experience for me. Two reasons why: He is all over me, but in a really crude, caveman-like way--grabbing, mashing, and it really turns me off. I have to tell him in no uncertain terms to get off me and leave me alone. I can almost never have sex with him when he's high, and this behavior is starting to affect our regular sex life and my overall attraction to him. He becomes playful to the point that he jokes about everything and takes nothing seriously. I feel I can't talk with him while he's high. I know now not to bring up anything I would like to discuss as he will just make a joke about it and it will piss me off. Our communication gets stifled. Early on we had previously discussed his habit and I mentioned that I wasn't a big fan but I wasn't going to pressure him into quitting. I had merely suggested smoking less often. At the time he said pot goes bad if you don't smoke it consistently until it's gone. (Is that even true?) A few months ago he announced out of the blue he was quitting. Then last month he started up again with the same frequency as before. At this point I don't think I can continue our relationship unless he quits for good...but I don't want to issue an ultimatum like that. I want to work together on this. Bearing that in mind...how do I talk about this with him?
Kamille Posted February 18, 2012 Posted February 18, 2012 Friends of mine used to freeze their pot. I don't know if that was meant to keep it fresh. I assume so as they were, for various reasons, not regular potheads, but still people who bought pot once in awhile. As to the rest, I wish there was advice I could give, but all I remember from my relationship with Chef-the-regular-heavy-drinker was that there didn't seem to be any winning scenarios. Hopefully someone will chime in with some good input. I do have some questions though: when he smokes, does he do it first thing in the morning? Is there a specific reason why you can't wait to address issues until he isn't high any longer?
Feelin Frisky Posted February 18, 2012 Posted February 18, 2012 Hi tigressA, You'll have to have "the talk" in which indeed you do lay it out that it is on the level of deal breaker now for you and put it in his court to choose you or it. I advise staying away from using words like "quit" and "stop" and keep it to choice between you and continued use. I won't explain the psychology. As for his claim that it "goes bad" if you don't smoke it as quickly as possible, that is just not so. It does dry out and become a little less potent but things can be done to make sure it keeps it moisture without getting to wet and it's possible to keep a small supply in pretty great shape for a long while. Either he's got some misinformation going or he is BSing you. It seems to me that he can't exercise any moderation over its use when he possesses it and that's never sexy no matter what the substance is--even food stuffs. It's definitely so that pot use results in a person not being themselves as they usually are and so, it can be very disquieting to a partner who is not also into using to see a pretty stark character change where he acts and does things out of his other character. Unless you share the same value of taking those "trips" together, it's gotta strain the relationship. You're making up your mind now apparently that this is a separation-level issue and you will probably need to lay the choices out for him and then stick to your definition of what his choices mean. It's not an easy thing for someone who seems to revel in the experience to give up, but if he only has two choices, you'll know where you fit in his priority set. Good luck.
Star Gazer Posted February 18, 2012 Posted February 18, 2012 Trying to bring up "issues" when you know he is high is pointless, so you're only pissing yourself off there. I agree with Frisky re: the importance of your word choice when you do bring this up. That said, it's always one thing or another with this guy. You're ALWAYS "pissed off." Maybe you're just an angry person in general, but clearly this relationship is making you miserable. Why don't you just put both of you out of misery?
veggirl Posted February 18, 2012 Posted February 18, 2012 Why are people so afraid to issue ultimatums. If this is a dealbreaker for you, then he needs to choose you or the weed. There is nothing wrong with spelling out what you will and absolutely will not tolerate. If this is an "absolutely not" then he needs to know that. 1
Author tigressA Posted February 18, 2012 Author Posted February 18, 2012 Friends of mine used to freeze their pot. I don't know if that was meant to keep it fresh. I assume so as they were, for various reasons, not regular potheads, but still people who bought pot once in awhile. As to the rest, I wish there was advice I could give, but all I remember from my relationship with Chef-the-regular-heavy-drinker was that there didn't seem to be any winning scenarios. Hopefully someone will chime in with some good input. I do have some questions though: when he smokes, does he do it first thing in the morning? Is there a specific reason why you can't wait to address issues until he isn't high any longer? He smokes after work, when we're both at home. He goes into the bathroom; he uses a bong (one of those tall glass ones that cost about $150; he bought it just last month) and I can hear him coughing. Then the bathroom reeks for awhile afterward. It's not 'issues' I want to address while he's high. I should have clarified that more in the OP. It's pretty much anything I would like to talk about. I feel I can't talk to him at all because he changes so much--he takes nothing seriously, everything is a joke, and his attention span is dwindled. It is to the point where I just do not bother speaking to him more than I have to while he's high. It annoys me being around him, and it's not like I can go into another room unless I lock myself in the bathroom (we live in a studio). I just wait until he goes to sleep and then breathe a sigh of relief.
ShannonMI Posted February 18, 2012 Posted February 18, 2012 I had tried to stuff down my resentment toward my BF's use of marijuana, thinking that it wasn't a big deal and I was being unreasonable, but it's a real issue. I had to finally admit to myself that it is doing damage to our relationship and my ability to commit to him. He doesn't smoke it every single day but when he gets a supply, which is on average once every other month or so, he smokes every single day until it is gone, which can take at least a week, sometimes 2 or more. Every time he smokes, it's an unpleasant experience for me. Two reasons why: He is all over me, but in a really crude, caveman-like way--grabbing, mashing, and it really turns me off. I have to tell him in no uncertain terms to get off me and leave me alone. I can almost never have sex with him when he's high, and this behavior is starting to affect our regular sex life and my overall attraction to him. He becomes playful to the point that he jokes about everything and takes nothing seriously. I feel I can't talk with him while he's high. I know now not to bring up anything I would like to discuss as he will just make a joke about it and it will piss me off. Our communication gets stifled. Early on we had previously discussed his habit and I mentioned that I wasn't a big fan but I wasn't going to pressure him into quitting. I had merely suggested smoking less often. At the time he said pot goes bad if you don't smoke it consistently until it's gone. (Is that even true?) A few months ago he announced out of the blue he was quitting. Then last month he started up again with the same frequency as before. At this point I don't think I can continue our relationship unless he quits for good...but I don't want to issue an ultimatum like that. I want to work together on this. Bearing that in mind...how do I talk about this with him? I dated a guy that was a daily pot smoker and it was extremely irritating, so I can totally relate to what you are going through. I knew he was a pot head when I started dating him and I was cool with it because I had never really experienced the bad effects of weed with any of the other pot heads I know. He acted the same as your man, but had some other annoying behaviors such as memory loss and rambling nonsense. Also, he was bipolar and the weed made his manias worse. Not a good time. He ended up quitting when he FINALLY realized pot was doing him no favors. Tell your guy how much you dislike his behavior when he smokes. If he values you and cares about you, he'll quit. And if he doesn't quit, then break up with him. There is no point in staying in a miserable relationship. 1
carhill Posted February 18, 2012 Posted February 18, 2012 Clarify your boundary. Currently it is communicated to him as: "I wasn't a big fan but I wasn't going to pressure him into quitting." However, your feelings in the matter are: "At this point I don't think I can continue our relationship unless he quits for good." 'I need a marijuana-free home to continue' That's it. A boundary. He's free to make any choice that he feels is healthy for him. Do not engage in any negotiation of your boundary. Think of it as a concrete wall like they have on freeways.
Professor X Posted February 18, 2012 Posted February 18, 2012 Why are people so afraid to issue ultimatums. If this is a dealbreaker for you, then he needs to choose you or the weed. There is nothing wrong with spelling out what you will and absolutely will not tolerate. If this is an "absolutely not" then he needs to know that. True, some things in life are simply not for negotiations, I think in your case, pot smoking is a completely valid issue not to compromise about.
Author tigressA Posted February 18, 2012 Author Posted February 18, 2012 Okay, I guess I know how to talk to him about this now. Thanks.
Mme. Chaucer Posted February 18, 2012 Posted February 18, 2012 True, some things in life are simply not for negotiations, I think in your case, pot smoking is a completely valid issue not to compromise about. It does make issuing an ultimatum more complicated, though, when the behavior has been accepted now for quite a while - though grudgingly. First thing is you need to define precisely where YOU stand, for yourself. If he refuses to quit, or maybe worse, starts to try to lie about his use, are you ready to go?
Professor X Posted February 18, 2012 Posted February 18, 2012 It does make issuing an ultimatum more complicated, though, when the behavior has been accepted now for quite a while - though grudgingly. First thing is you need to define precisely where YOU stand, for yourself. If he refuses to quit, or maybe worse, starts to try to lie about his use, are you ready to go? Personally? I haven't got a clue, I've never been to a situation where my SO lied to me when I issued an ultimatum - which I have. I guess I would be ready to go, more because of the lying rather than the inability to accept my ultimatum. And at any rate, I'm pretty flexible about most stuff, so far I've issued 2 ultimatums: 1. Told my ex' (when we dated) to never talk to her ex' again, which threatened to kill her at one point (and weirdly enough she was still answering his phones after they broke up but prior to meeting me). And 2. And ex' of mine was a smoker (cigarettes) and I told her if she ever wants a baby, than she gotta quit like 4 months before we even try - never got to that part though. Anyway, you are right about the part that it's now more complicated; While at first it didn't bother her, now when they got way more serious or she experienced more events in her life, things have changed, in other words, any of those things probably changed the way she views this particular issue, which is completely legit. I know at some points of my life I changed my views at things about certain things, does it mean I have to keep my old views only because I started with them with someone else? I don't think so.
Mme. Chaucer Posted February 18, 2012 Posted February 18, 2012 I know at some points of my life I changed my views at things about certain things, does it mean I have to keep my old views only because I started with them with someone else? I don't think so. Not at all. I just think it makes it more complicated. I started dating a smoker. I knew he smoked, which I did not like, but I really liked him. Now we are married, and I HATE that he smokes. I hate it now, and I won't be very graceful about dealing with an old man with lung cancer in later years, I can tell you. I am not giving him an ultimatum about the smoking. Bottom line is that I still want to be with him even though he smokes. He has told me that he is going to quit, and that does give me something to hold him to.
xpaperxcutx Posted February 18, 2012 Posted February 18, 2012 But TA telling him to quit pot is an ultimatum. Why are you trying to salvage a relationship where the SO is capable of aggressive behaviour? Everytime I come on here and read your threads, there's some kind of physical push and pull that makes me wonder whether you're actually safe with him.
Professor X Posted February 18, 2012 Posted February 18, 2012 Not at all. I just think it makes it more complicated. I started dating a smoker. I knew he smoked, which I did not like, but I really liked him. Now we are married, and I HATE that he smokes. I hate it now, and I won't be very graceful about dealing with an old man with lung cancer in later years, I can tell you. I am not giving him an ultimatum about the smoking. Bottom line is that I still want to be with him even though he smokes. He has told me that he is going to quit, and that does give me something to hold him to. Well, each has his own deal breakers which can come and go at any given time I guess. Smoking isn't a deal breaker for me (and I don't smoke myself - never have), but, for instance, smoking while conceiving is. And anyway, yeah, I do agree with you that it makes it more complicated, but what's the alternative you think? Keep it going as is? Because other than that, there's no real alternative (nothing to "talk about"). And she already did state that it's a big enough of an issue to be a deal breaker for her.
johan Posted February 18, 2012 Posted February 18, 2012 But TA telling him to quit pot is an ultimatum. It kind of is an ultimatum though. If your mate is doing something that turns you off and affects your feelings for them, then their behavior either has to change or your feelings are going to go away. It's not a choice you have. If he wasn't showering and it turned her off, there's not much she can do about it. He'll have to choose between his birthright not to shower and having her in his life. So he's smoking pot, and it's turning her off. There isn't much she can do about that. He needs to make the choice. But if she cares about the relationship, then she needs to tell him how it affects her before her feelings have reached the point of no return. This is an important, maybe the most important, relationship skill.
Author tigressA Posted February 18, 2012 Author Posted February 18, 2012 (edited) It does make issuing an ultimatum more complicated, though, when the behavior has been accepted now for quite a while - though grudgingly. First thing is you need to define precisely where YOU stand, for yourself. If he refuses to quit, or maybe worse, starts to try to lie about his use, are you ready to go? I'm to the point where I strongly dislike being around him when he's high, and his behavior while high is impacting how I feel about him when he isn't high. With the way he is toward me sexually after he's smoked, as I detailed in the OP, I've started fantasizing about others--even my ex--every so often when we have sex. And we haven't been having sex as often. I feel terrible admitting that. But it's what's started to happen. I would, at the very least, rather he would smoke away from me/when I am not around. But at the frequency he does it, that would be an issue too. I wouldn't want him to be away from me every night for a week or more every month/every other month just to get high. So I need to see if he would quit. I think he would quit if I focused on how this is all making me feel and how I feel it's affecting our relationship, instead of merely saying 'It's me or the pot'. This all started when a friend of mine last night, who I dish to, asked me if BF smokes pot. I said, "Random question...but yes, he does. Why do you ask?" And he asked me more questions, about the frequency, how it makes me feel...and it all just started to click. Like "Yeah, I really do hate it when he smokes." My friend is a recovered addict, so perhaps he caught onto something I told him and thought drug use could be an issue. Turns out he was right. Edited February 18, 2012 by tigressA
ShannonMI Posted February 18, 2012 Posted February 18, 2012 Not at all. I just think it makes it more complicated. I started dating a smoker. I knew he smoked, which I did not like, but I really liked him. Now we are married, and I HATE that he smokes. I hate it now, and I won't be very graceful about dealing with an old man with lung cancer in later years, I can tell you. I am not giving him an ultimatum about the smoking. Bottom line is that I still want to be with him even though he smokes. He has told me that he is going to quit, and that does give me something to hold him to. Smoking cigarettes is a bit different then smoking weed. Weed is illegal and makes some people act like f*cking morons. Apparently OP's man is one of those people. So she has every right to give her boyfriend an ultimatum.
TheFinalWord Posted February 18, 2012 Posted February 18, 2012 He doesn't smoke it every single day but when he gets a supply, which is on average once every other month or so, he smokes every single day until it is gone, which can take at least a week, sometimes 2 or more. Every time he smokes, it's an unpleasant experience for me. Every month and he often smokes for 2 weeks? That's half the month. This guy is high half of the year! That's a lot of time being intoxicated IMHO. The compounds in cannabis are psychoactive, which means it puts his brain in an altered state. So half of the year you are dating two different people. You should also know that pot stays in a person's system longer than most drugs. It is stored in the fat cells. So even those 2 weeks he isn't smoking, it is still in his system and impacts him. Also the fact he smokes it as long until it runs out is not a good sign. If he could get more, would he smoke more? Just a question to ask yourself. Two reasons why: He is all over me, but in a really crude, caveman-like way--grabbing, mashing, and it really turns me off. I have to tell him in no uncertain terms to get off me and leave me alone. I can almost never have sex with him when he's high, and this behavior is starting to affect our regular sex life and my overall attraction to him. He becomes playful to the point that he jokes about everything and takes nothing seriously. I feel I can't talk with him while he's high. I know now not to bring up anything I would like to discuss as he will just make a joke about it and it will piss me off. Our communication gets stifled. Early on we had previously discussed his habit and I mentioned that I wasn't a big fan but I wasn't going to pressure him into quitting. I had merely suggested smoking less often. At the time he said pot goes bad if you don't smoke it consistently until it's gone. (Is that even true?) A few months ago he announced out of the blue he was quitting. Then last month he started up again with the same frequency as before. At this point I don't think I can continue our relationship unless he quits for good...but I don't want to issue an ultimatum like that. I want to work together on this. Bearing that in mind...how do I talk about this with him?These are the acute side-effects of cannabis intoxication. A non-nonchalant attitude, short term memory loss, and lack of motivation. There are chronic, long-term effects too. You should look into those and see if this is the kind of man you want to be with. Cannabis doubles testicular cancer risk, says US study | Science | The Guardian
Author tigressA Posted February 18, 2012 Author Posted February 18, 2012 Every month and he often smokes for 2 weeks? That's half the month. This guy is high half of the year! That's a lot of time being intoxicated IMHO. The compounds in cannabis are psychoactive, which means it puts his brain in an altered state. So half of the year you are dating two different people. You should also know that pot stays in a person's system longer than most drugs. It is stored in the fat cells. So even those 2 weeks he isn't smoking, it is still in his system and impacts him. These are the acute side-effects of cannabis intoxication. A non-nonchalant attitude, short term memory loss, and lack of motivation. There are chronic, long-term effects too. You should look into those and see if this is the kind of man you want to be with. Cannabis doubles testicular cancer risk, says US study | Science | The Guardian It's not every month, more like every other month...but still, it is often. And you're right, the fact that he smokes it every day until it is gone is worrying. I do wonder if he would smoke even more if he could get more. I don't think I can answer that question with any certainty.
Titania22 Posted February 18, 2012 Posted February 18, 2012 Hi Tigress, I can only tell you what happened to me. I was married to a pot smoker and I hate all drugs. At a point we had a trial separation. He promised he had given up for good. We got back together and I fell pregnant. Once I was past the point I could abort, he told me he had been smoking again. Once I was 8months pregnant, he told me, I am doing it and you can't stop me. The point is they can make promises, but it doesn't mean they will keep them. If it is a dealbreaker, better to move on, then try to control someone elses choices.
Author tigressA Posted February 18, 2012 Author Posted February 18, 2012 What stops him from getting more? I think perhaps it has something to do with his source(s). I'm not sure, though.
spookie Posted February 18, 2012 Posted February 18, 2012 I personally feel like as always, u are just looking for issues in your relationship. What serious sith do U need to discuss every night that he can't make into a joke? Instead of an ultimtum, can't u just ask him to smoke less?
Author tigressA Posted February 18, 2012 Author Posted February 18, 2012 Instead of an ultimtum, can't u just ask him to smoke less? I don't wish to ask him to smoke less. It's to the point that when he smokes at all I can hardly stand to be around him. He turns into a completely different person who I find highly unattractive. That won't be helped by merely 'smoking less'.
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