carlybells Posted February 18, 2012 Posted February 18, 2012 Hello , Firstly thank you for taking the time to read this, i shall start by telling you a brief insight to my life. I am 24 years old , engaged home-maker , with two young children aged 5 and 2 . I am 22 weeks pregnant with our third child. My partner is 26 years old and is a full time joiner. We own our home jointly and have a joint bank account . My partner of 8 years , is a serial cheat. It has been going on for 7 years of our relationship. It hasn't been one long affair , but many one night stands. I have always found out , due to a woman's intuition, and have always forgave him and accepted his apologies. Still today he is signed up to numerous dating websites, one of which i have just came across , hence this thread. He has been planning to meet up with several girls, swapping numbers and was online last night. He is however a great dad , which is probably the main reason we are still together, but i don't think i can put up with the hurt anymore. He is the one who brings all the money into the house, he pays the mortgage , the bills , kids dance lessons and im scared if i do break up with him, it will be the kids who suffer most. im also not sure how it would work as we aren't married . I have a superb family , who have no time for him . so i feel as if everytime i find something new out , they always say told you so. I suppose im just looking for an outsiders view on the situation . Thank you Again . ps i have always been faithful to him .
veggirl Posted February 18, 2012 Posted February 18, 2012 Wow. Why in the world did you forgive him the first time, before you had children with him? Why do you keep having kids with this cheater? Honestly. Is it to keep him? So he will support you? Do you have a way to support yourself? Sorry but....come on....your family is right. Does your husband want to change? You need marriage counseling as well as individual. I hope you know your kids are gonna pick up on daddy and his other women...again, wow...
Lauriebell82 Posted February 18, 2012 Posted February 18, 2012 Well obviously he will never stop cheating because you allow him to get away with it by forgiving him. I understand the kids role in this matter, but YOU matter to, as do your feelings. I think you should seek some individual counseling to help yourself work through this issue, possibly couples counseling. Have you ever asked him WHY he continues to cheat? It's most likely because he knows you will still be there but have you asked for a specific reason?
Kidd Posted February 18, 2012 Posted February 18, 2012 My goodness. Not married and 3 kids. Ok, so staying with him seems to be impossible. I hope you don't. I recommend talking to a family law attorney. Some will do an initial consultation without charging you so you won't reveal your intent to your partner. Otherwise, it's usually about $300 for an hour or two. Ask family for it if you must; they may be thrilled to hear that you're finally taking action.
Devil Inside Posted February 18, 2012 Posted February 18, 2012 This sounds like a very painful situation for you. Splitting up will affect everybody, but you need to really sit and reflect upon how those changes may have more of a positive affect than a negative one. Sure, it will be more difficult financially, and it will be a pain to coordinate schedules; but it doesn't appear as if his behavior is going to stop. The way it looks from my view is you have a few choices. Accept this is how it is and try to move forward as is. Change the situation by splitting up. or stay miserable. If you do decide to move on he is legally responsible to pay child support. I'm sure your family would help you retain the services of an attorney, and eventually a therapist. It's good you have them, lean on them. Good luck, and sorry for your pain.
Devil Inside Posted February 18, 2012 Posted February 18, 2012 That's bad advice. She has two small children, another baby coming, and no source of income. At least now the guy is sufficiently bonded to her that he provides for her and the kids. Do you seriously think he will be a good candidate to pay child support if she splits from him? This type of guy will do everything possible to evade it. Plus supporting two households is much more difficult than if they are all living together. This is the life she picked and she didn't just pick it for herself--she decided to have three children with him. She needs to stay put. If you read my post you'll see that I do not give direct advice to split up. I clearly state that there are three possible choices. We don't know if he'll pay child support or not. He's a cheater, but he's also a provider. We also don't know if she has the opportunity to lean on her family for financial support. The OP has many options to choose from; including staying put. However, I think it's good to look at the big picture and the impact that being cheated on repeatedly will have on everyone.
Lauriebell82 Posted February 19, 2012 Posted February 19, 2012 (edited) She knew he was a cheater but that was OK and she made three babies with him. That's why her family keeps telling her "we told you so." Even she admits it would hurt the children to split from this guy. Do you really think it makes sense for them to split up, even if he does pay child support they will have to support two households on one income, that will severely impact the economic well being of the children. It's irresponsible for her to split up hoping to be bailed out financially by the government or by her own family. Her situation right now is the direct consequence of a series of her own decisions: Getting involved with him, then staying involved with him, then having children with him. Maybe she thought she was just playing house and when she got tired of that she could quit playing? She needs to stop being so selfish about all this. Does it hurt her feelings that he continues to cheat? Why yes I would imagine so. But is that a good reason at this point to put the childrens' financial circumstances at risk? No it's not. Even if she had the ability to find a good paying job--she has three small children to raise so she can't work. Daycare for three kids would more than eat up anything this woman could bring home after taxes. She definitely doesn't sound like the sharpest knife in the rack so we are talking Wal Mart or something like that I am sure. Unfortunately OP your "feelings" are completely irrelevant. Your obligation is to do what's best for your children and splitting up with their father, their only means of financial support, would be completely irresponsible. You went into this deal with eyes open and you got exactly what you bargained for. Stop complaining. If he were an abusive husband would you be giving the same advice? Yeah, he's a cheater, but that's abusive also. The OP is obviously very codependent and has some issues, most likely with low self esteem and self worth. Yes, she is responsible for this situation, as she has continued to accept his behavior. HOWEVER, staying put and being miserable will have an impact on her children, much more then she realizes. So IF she is going to stay with him, she is going to have to: a) Accept that he will cheat and try to deal as best she can b) Seek couples counseling to improve the relationship I don't agree that her only option is to stay put. She has made some bad choices, but this certainly shouldn't mean that her life is just "doomed" and she deserves to be miserable forever as some sort of penance. There are services for her and her children, housing assistance, WIC, cash, food stamps, ect. Yes, it is government money but that is what it is there for. Edited February 19, 2012 by Lauriebell82
DonVee Posted February 19, 2012 Posted February 19, 2012 Poor thing you are in the midst of a dead end situation, realizing that he is a serial cheater had to be hard but I have just one question... Does he realize that he has a problem? Considering he seeks sex from several different woman with no mental or emotional attachments could possibly make him a sex addict. If that is the case he may need to seek professional help for satyriasis, you say the affairs have been over a span of 7 years all being one night stands with what could be 100's of woman... That is not normal! I'm no professional but I to had 2 relationships with lying cheaters, but my first ex had this same problem... Look into it and if he is willing to keep his family together he should be willing to do what ever it takes to keep you and his kids in his life BUT if he's not you may need to consider working on a life that does not include him. Good luck to you!
LoveTKO Posted February 19, 2012 Posted February 19, 2012 You are an enabler. As long as he brings home the bacon, tells you he's sorry after you busted him f***** other woman, everything is peaches and cream. He doesn't respect boundaries because he knows that you'll always take him back. You must have some self esteem issues. good luck 1
imagine Posted February 19, 2012 Posted February 19, 2012 CarlyBells, you are what we call an enabler. The is no consequence for your boyfriends infidelity. The question is "How is your own self image?"
carhill Posted February 19, 2012 Posted February 19, 2012 OP, 'joiner' is a very old-fashioned word. What country do you live in? Since you cohabit in a jointly owned house and co-mingle finances, I'd start with clarifying your position and path with a legal adviser. As others mentioned, your family can or will likely be happy to help you in this regard. A good legal adviser will show paths of action, possible benefits and pitfalls and help you reach a decision about next steps, whether those steps involve staying or going. Your fiance is who he is. He might change tomorrow or never or at any time or to any degree in between. He'll change for himself. You're in charge of you. Make your life count. Good luck.
Lauriebell82 Posted February 19, 2012 Posted February 19, 2012 (edited) It's not fair to her children to throw them into poverty, disrupt their lives, and take them away from their father just because she suddenly decided after seven years of being married to a cheater that she doesn't like it anymore. She said he's a "great father." Most likely all she would end up doing is finding another guy to shack up with who would probably be much worse than what she has now. She will just have to find a way to learn to live with his philandering until the youngest kid is 18. Then she can go her own way if she still wants to. And no government money is not there simply to satisfy the irresponsible whims of a young woman who wants to rip apart her family simply because she doesn't like her husband's cheating anymore. When in a hole, one should stop digging. If it wasn't O.K. with her that he's a cheater she shouldn't have made three babies with him. I'm a drug and alcohol counselor so we'll just agree to disagree on this one. But for the record, I said NOTHING about her taking them away from their father. Plenty of parents are not together but share custody of their young children. Not the ideal situation of course, however they do make it work. Edited February 19, 2012 by Lauriebell82
Lauriebell82 Posted February 19, 2012 Posted February 19, 2012 (edited) He is working full time, she is not working & the mother of small children, therefore it is inevitable they will end up with her as the primary custodial parent, as there is nothing to show she is unfit. As a drug & alcohol counselor than you should know that delusional thinking is to be discouraged as it is not helpful to problem solving. Implying that under the circumstances related by OP, divorce or separation would not result in the children's having much less access to and contact with their father, than they have now, is simply providing misinformation to the OP. OP herself is well aware of that which is why she is conflicted about what to do. If it was just her, she could leave. But since she knows it will hurt the children to take them away from her father, she is very conflicted about what to do. Pretending otherwise will just cause her to make a bad decision. Her dilemma is that leaving her cheating husband would be good for her but bad for her children. She knows that. He is a great father. You are also avoiding the likelihood that given the OP's track record the most likely outcome of splitting up with her current partner is she will find someone else to live with and expose her children to, and that next boyfriend might be even less functional than the father of her children is. It would be nice if with a snap of the fingers we could change history and wipe away the consequences of our prior choices, and it's easy enough to give advice like that on the internet, but if you do, you're selling OP a fictional story. She is faced with a choice but each option has downsides. Stay with the great father, keeping family intact, and be cheated on indefinitely; leave the great father and possibly cause a catastrophic financial meltdown for all concerned, and hurt the kids' relationship with their father. To advocate leaving him without being very clear that doing so will probably have a catastrophic impact on her and her kids' standard of living is simply irresponsible. I do agree that she will have some negative consequences for leaving AND staying. But I feel that the consequences of leaving the relationship can be IMPROVED with time (maybe not completely changed), however if she stays in the relationship, then the consequences will not change at all and she will be stuck miserable for the rest of her life. It will be a hard road for her no matter what she does. Unfortunately it seems the OP has left this thread..which is a shame. I hope she does what is best for her and her children. Edited February 19, 2012 by Lauriebell82
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