She's back, but should I trust her?

[exhausted]

Ok, here we go….I’ll try to keep as short as I can. About 2 months ago, my GF (J) of 4 ½ years broke it off with me out of the blue. Crying the whole time, and telling me she loved me, she told me she needed to be alone for awhile, and that we hadn’t been getting along well, and that she thought that we were too far apart in age. She’s 23 now, and I’m about to turn 33. She told me she wanted to remain friends, and at the time, I tried to give her space. We had been having problems communicating for quite awhile, and we each made attempts to make things better, but never seemed to at the same time. I asked if there was someone else and she said no.

 

A couple weeks into it, I had only heard from her once, which didn’t go well. I wanted to talk to find out more clearly why she was ending it. She was very hesitant, and I lost my temper and ended up hanging up on her. A few days later she shows up unexpected to talk to me. I had been a wreck for most of the whole time we had been apart, dealing with insomnia like I’ve never experienced, trying to figure out where things went wrong. I did come to many conclusions about our relationship and about myself. I found that I had more anger problems than I knew. I found I have difficulty forgiving, and that I hold grudges way too long. I don’t have issues with violence, or verbal abuse, but I do tend to raise my voice and loose some of the filter that keeps me from saying stupid hurtful things that I normally have when calm. During that time, I thought that I understood what may have been holding us back, and decided to express this to her.

 

Still crying the whole time, she told me she was happy that I realized these things, and that she loves me, but she was too stressed out with things and still felt she needed to be alone. Wanting to understand further and not wanting her to leave me, I pushed for more information about what was going on. I sat next to her and put my hand on her back and told her that whatever it was, we could work it out. That’s when she stopped, stared straight at the floor and said “Well, I guess I better tell you.” And proceeded to tell me about a guy she had been talking to at work, who she new liked her, and she thought that she liked him. I started to fly off the handle, but kept from loosing it totally. She went on to also tell me “it’s not you…it’s me”, followed by her explaining that we couldn’t be together because she has screwed up too much, and was too wild for me.

 

She went on to tell me that when she went out, she would get really drunk, make out with her girlfriends, flirt, dance closely with other men, and had entered a wet T-shirt contest with one of her friends. She told me how she sucked on her friend’s nipple on a stage after a concert to get guys all excited. I admit that I was a bit floored by all this coming out, but not totally surprised. I always knew she was a little more adventurous, because she reminds me of myself a bit at her age. I also knew she had kissed a couple girls the year before, but thought we had gotten past it after we talked it out. I asked if she was dating this guy, and she told me no. I asked if she was breaking up with me for good, and she told me no, that she felt she might just be going through a phase, but needed time to sort it out. She left that night, and I was more depressed and confused than before.

 

The following 2 weeks consisted of me trying to reach her, and her avoiding me like the plague. Every time I spoke with her it was the same thing. She said she loved me, and wanted to be friends and hang out with me, but always had too much going on to find time to spend with me. She did call once shortly after that night to tell me that she told the other guy (D) that she didn’t want to start anything with him. I didn’t ask this of her, and it added to all my questions. I eventually reached out to her friends to find out what was going on.

 

The first thing I found out was that last fall she cheated on me with one of her guy friends on camping trip that she went on with a large group of friends. She had gotten drunk and went down on him. From the story I was told, they both felt guilty and had stopped hanging out all together after this. I know she was extremely drunk, because I remember when she came back from that trip, she had to buy a new cell phone because she a dropped the last one in a bonfire. The person who told me said they knew she loves me and they had never seen or heard of any other instances of her cheating on me, and that while she was being honest about being flirty when she goes out, that she was exaggerating how much. All this hurt, and I had considered giving up on her, but I couldn’t. I decided to talk to some of her other friends that I was close with.

 

Person after person told me nearly the same thing that she loves me, but she’s confused and doesn’t know what to do. They all basically told me that they couldn’t understand why she broke it off with me, because they could see she was really unhappy, and that she missed me. I found out that she was seeing D, but from what all her friends told me, she wasn’t serious about him, and that she was already getting tired of him. I still tried contacting her many times, and she called back a few times, but always when I was at work. I believe she was afraid to talk, and she knew I couldn’t get into any details while on the phone there.

 

This continued for a couple more weeks until she was leaving for a trip over seas for 2 weeks. I called her early that week and spoke with her for nearly 3 hours, about how I was now dealing with my own insecurities and anger, and how I thought there may have been more to her story (I didn’t want to implicate anyone who told me). She still denied to the end, and we finished with me telling her that I couldn’t be around her with the way I felt, and knowing that she was being dishonest. She cried, and asked me to just give her time, but I explained that I felt it may be better if we had no contact after this. The morning that she was leaving to go on her trip, she called me to say goodbye. I had been out the night before, and had drank quite a bit. Feeling extremely hung over, I was kind of cold and distant to her on the phone, so we said goodbye, and hung up.

 

During that time, my feeling intensified, and I felt myself feeling more and more depressed about it all. I knew I loved her, and I knew I wanted her back. I was willing to forgive her, but I didn’t really know if she would ever confess, or if she really even wanted to try again. I decided to talk to one last person. I called her best friend who I had been angry with for nearly a year over something that I now know was pretty stupid. She agreed to meet me and talk. I made amends for a horrible behavior over the last ears or so, and we talk for a long time. Once again, I heard the same things. By this point, I had to start wondering if either she had everyone fooled (for what reason, I don’t know), or they all had their stories together really well (again..for what, I don’t know), or she really did love me, and honestly was afraid to tell me the truth, and afraid that I would not be able to accept or forgive her. I don’t understand why she started going out with someone else right away, but I do understand being afraid to confess to something that you feel will hurt someone else, and not wanting that person to hate you. Her friend (S) had told me after much discussion about one other incident that I guess lasted for less than a few minutes. She told me that she was sure my Ex loved me, but maybe I’d be better off leaving her be, and moving on. She told me she could tell that my Ex would want to come back to me, but she didn’t think that she had the courage to do what it took to begin repairing the damage.

 

I thought things over for the next week or so until J came home form her trip. I was out talking to a mutual friend the evening she was to come home. The friend got a call from J saying she was back home and wanted to know if she wanted to come out for a drink. I said nothing, finished my drink, and went home. I checked the caller ID to see if J made any attempt to call me, but nothing. After a failed attempt at going to bed, I called her. I was angry, but calm. I asked her why she had kept me hanging on like that. I asked her what is was that she wanted from me. I told her I knew about what happened, but I forgave her. I told her I loved her, but I wasn’t going to be strung along, and that I was moving on. When I asked her if she had anything to say, she told me that she didn’t want me to cut her out of my life. I asked if it was truly over, and she said “for now”. I couldn’t take it anymore and told her I couldn’t wait because it was making me miserable. It was now or never, and I wanted to hear it from her. I pushed her to say one way or the other. She continued to leave it open ended, but it hurt too much. I demanded she say it was forever. She did and we hung up. I felt horrible, but I knew I couldn’t go on the way I had been.

 

Three nights later, I was out with friends in my neighborhood and I ran into her. I acknowledged she was there but tried to stay on the other side of the room. She approached me and asked if I would come out to her car with her so she could give a present she picked up for me on her trip. I agreed hesitantly. At her car she began to tell me that she was sorry for everything she put me through. She apologized for cheating, lying, and avoiding me. She told me that she felt she had made a big mistake and wanted to try again if I would have her back. She admitted that she had been seeing D, but felt that she only considers him a friend, and that he made her feel special for a little while when she was hurting so bad over what she had done to me. She told me that she had already told him it wouldn’t work between them. At that point, I told her I loved her and forgave her, but wasn’t ready to talk about it anymore. We both nervously hugged, and went back in to our friends. At the end of the night I made my rounds to say goodnight to everyone. She happened to be at the other end and the last I would say goodnight to. I told her I was leaving and as I turned to the door she grabbed me from behind with a death-grip hug, and I couldn’t push her away. It felt so good to have her holding me.

 

We ended up talking all that night. That was nearly two weeks ago, and we’ve talked a few times since, and been spending time together every few days. I want to believe her, and part of me does, but I have to admit it scares me some. I now find myself questioning everything she says in my head. I wonder if she only came back because it wasn’t working out with D. I wonder if she’s going to get drunk and loose control again. She says she has realized a lot of things and wants to work out the relationship with me, and that she never thought I cared and loved her as much as she sees now. I have to admit that I was too insecure to commit to her completely before. At one point for instance, she had been asking me to move away with her when she starts classes out of sate to finish her degree. I told her many times that I didn’t want to move away, but would try to continue a relationship with her long distance. She tried to talk about it many other times, but eventually gave up.

 

That’s pretty much the story till now. She says she’s not going to be out partying all the time like she was, and that she wants to take things slow and concentrate on us so she can find out if we can really be good together. We’re not having sex though, and it’s also hurting/confusing me. She talk, kiss and cuddle, which I love, but I’m having a hard time understanding why she’s feeling so uncomfortable with me. We had been together for a long time, and both professing our love to one another. I also can’t get it out of my mind that she had given her affection to other people she wasn’t in love with while we were together, so why is it so hard to show me that affection now? I also can’t stand the thought of her having sex with D when we were apart. Not that I know this to be a fact. I can’t bring myself to even ask.

 

Anyway, there you have it. I guess I just felt I needed communication with people outside our circle, and I sort of feel like I’ve stuck them in the middle more than enough already. If you made this far and feel like commenting, suggesting or asking questions, feel free. I need some outside perspectives.

[azgirl]

Hey~

I'll try and help if I can. Sounds like there a TON of issues between you. One- I know everone says age is just a number and for the most part I agree since I have a propensity for dating younger men, but BE CAREFUL of that age difference between you two. I have half that distance with me and my guy and it certainly has been the source of some issues because the bottom line is that the older person is just in a different place in their life than the younger one. And it sounds like she had to have her party girl phase.

 

Truth be told - she probably was doing that other guy she was with however, she had every right to do what she wanted with whom she wanted, as you two were not "together," and it is kind of none of your business. Sorry to be so blunt. But do yourself a favor and accept that fact and move on because all you're doing is torturing yourself by thinking about it. K??

 

I think you need to address the sex issue. Has she turned you down?? What does she do that makes you feel that she is uncomfortable with you. I think you definitely need to talk about a lot of things. Otherwise you two will just be going through the motions and for what?? To break up again a few months down the road because neither of you is truly happy?