The aftermath of my breakup...

[Headintheclouds]

Just an update...

 

So I mentioned that she never came home the other night (saturday). Well, she actually didn't get home until after 12:30am on Sunday. I was asleep but I woke up when she got in, but just pretended to sleep so I could avoid confrontation.

 

Anyways, She just came home now. She walked in, looked at me, and just said "Hi" like nothing had happened. It was so simple. She feels absolutely nothing. Does she think her actions don't phase me?

 

Whatever. As of now I have nothing to say to her that wouldn't be anger driven. I didn't say anything. I've been pretty mute since she got home but I think its pretty obvious that I'm pissed about something. I wonder if she even knows why. I wonder if she cares. I want her out of here so bad.

[Headintheclouds]

Today has been the first really hard morning in awhile. Last night I more or less ignored her. I slept on the couch right behind her while she was on the computer. I didn't say goodnight. I just went to sleep.

 

This morning I woke up, and went straight to the gym. She was getting ready for work while I got ready. I walked by her twice without even looking at her. She was right next to the door when I left and I just left without a word.

 

I don't know that I am acting how I should be. Despite all the hurt she's given to me lately, I actually have trouble being mean to her. I don't know whats better... Acting like I don't care and talking to her like nothing is wrong, or acting pissed and blowing her off. My intent is that she realizes what she's doing to me and actually feels something for once.

 

I got home from the gym and cried. I haven't cried in about a week. I'm so angry that she has just spit in my face so many times now, and not showed an ounce of remorse.

 

Granted, were not together, but its also extremely hard to move on in the situation I'm stuck in.

[Headintheclouds]

Thanks. Your probably right about my attitude towards it.

 

I'm pretty sure she was staying with the guy. I can't be 100% sure, but she doesn't have any family here, and she also doesn't have many friends that I could see her spending the night with. She did the exact same thing last week.

 

Lucky escape? How so?

 

*edit: I just read this in one of your threads Fluorescent: "Harbouring ongoing Anger, Bitterness and Resentment against a person, is the equivalent of taking poison and expecting the other person to die."

 

I think this sums up how I should be moving on right now. I keep focusing on what happens AFTER she finally moves out and I just want her to FEEL something. I'm not really looking for her to come back to me. I just want her to know how badly she treated me without even blinking an eye. Maybe the passive route is the one I should take? Just keep my emotions at bay and live my life.

Edited February 28, 2012 by Headintheclouds

[FearfulFuture]

I've just had to post another thread on here tonight because the situation im in which you know is similar to yours, well it is now in fact driving me insane. I feel for you man but thought you might take some comfort in hearing what its like to be on the opposite side of the story.

 

Unlike you HITC me and the ex are still living together but on speaking terms (not how i want to be but don't want to seem bitter and defeated, plus im not someone who finds it easy to be mean) believe me this is not as good as it sounds. She came home the other night and wanted to chat about our next move concerning the sell of our apartment. We talked and sorted out our situation (almost like a business meeting) and then she continued to pack more of her stuff ready to move out without any sadness, regret or shame. I found myself just watching her carry on in disbelief of how cold she was being and then my tongue started taking over. Just asking how she was and generally trying to provoke any sort of emotion, nothing, she just answered my questions bluntly and seemed as though she couldn't wait to leave. I rambled saying a few sentimental things just to see if i could get her to give me something, anything. Again, nothing!

 

After a while i felt so awful as she just kept constantly telling me she didn't love me and cant even after trying, obviously that has crippled me, AGAIN. My reaction - take her out for some food as i held back the tears and STILL tried to be the good person, feel like such a douche. I posted a question about does the dumper really mean what they say when breaking up? Just hoping, praying for someone to say its not true and save me from the hurt, desperate i know. I however believe it to be true and feel very deflated right now, i am a man and therefore my ego is crushed. So i understand how your feeling in your current situation but it really isn't that great on the flip side. Hope that helps in some twisted way.

[Headintheclouds]

@fearfulfuture

 

I don't really think I'm on the flip side of things. In fact, we are literally in the same boat. Like I said earlier, I was being cold to her a couple days back but that got me nowhere, and pretty much invoked the same behavior from her. It was doubly hurtful especially because I, like you, have trouble being a dick.

 

I've taken the comment Fluorescent posted in another thread to heart: "Harbouring ongoing Anger, Bitterness and Resentment against a person, is the equivalent of taking poison and expecting the other person to die."

 

It makes total sense. Its the only way through this. Last night when she got home I just changed my view. I acted normal around her. Said Hi when she got home. Engaged in some small talk. Updated each other on anything regarding the apartment situation.

 

Although I want her to feel something, or express something just like you do, I don't think that anything I do is going to get that out of her. I have shed some emotion and anger while speaking to her a couple times, but I never went over the edge. I haven't really cried in front of her. I haven't begged for anything. I don't think it is productive in this situation. I can't say that I don't want to though.

 

There are 2 things I want from this situation. First is not to lose my self respect. Although my ego is crushed, I do realize that its over and there is nothing I can do. Secondly, I would give anything just to feel something from her... A sign of regret... a touch, a hug, just something that makes me feel a little less rejected. Maybe a better explanation...or a sign that maybe someday she will come back around. Those are things that I may never get no matter what I do right now in this moment. I may never get any of that after this is all over. Thats hard to accept, but its even harder on myself to beat a dead horse.

[jus d'orange]

HITC,

 

You are the man. I am proud of myself for maintaining NC this first month and demanding self-respect, but the ex and I live hundreds of miles apart. Woop-de-doo, huh?

 

Each day that passes where you refuse to succumb to the bitterness and self-pity is a day that you grow stronger as an individual. If you can get through this as you have been, you will know the depth and quality of your character. Anybody can be a nice guy and hold it together when all is well. But the man who can hold his head up and see the light in the distance while everything burns around him is going to have a great life.

 

I agree with Fluorescent... a guy with your strength is a catch. She's the loser in this situation. Maybe she'll see it eventually; imagine how she'll feel when she realizes! Someday, you'll get that sign of regret. It'll probably be huge, like a billboard of regret. By then, you'll be in the position to see things for what they were and say no with authority. You deserve it.

[Headintheclouds]

@jus d'orange, @flourescent

 

Thanks for the words of encouragement!

I'm having a bad morning again digesting it all. She just left for work, and was super nice to me. She made some small talk and It hurt to respond. This far in and I'm still wondering why this is happening.

 

Its like this... When that person is your best friend, during the breakup you both sort of detach yourself of that friendship. It hurts too bad to try to be super friendly, poke fun, laugh together etc. I miss my best friend so bad right now.

 

I just keep thinking of her with someone else who I'm sure will not "get her" like I did. I said to her awhile back that it didn't seem like she was feeling anything. She said that she just "deals differently". How can you deal at all when you have someone else already. It makes me so angry and sad.

 

As you said Jus d'orange, I feel like I'm looking forward and my world is burning around me. Sometimes I look around and notice it burning. When I do, I feel horrible again.

 

And so goes this seemingly endless loop of emotion. Starting with sadness, into anger, into forgiveness and back around again.

[Mack05]

I miss my best friend so bad right now.

 

I know how you are feeling. I am hurting soooooooooooooooooooooooo bad today. Like the sadness is hitting me in HUGE waves. Can't remember hurting like this. Really can't. It is about missing your 'best friend' and the helpless feeling that she is out of your life. In my case forever.

 

In your case, she is still in your life. Honestly, I don't think I could cope seeing my ex every single day. It's someone having a knife and twisting it in your heart day by day. I really admire you for staying strong as the other posters as mentioned. Keep it up. The strength you show now will pay off in the future.

[Headintheclouds]

Yeah it sucks man. Waves of bad and waves of good. It just keeps looping.

 

I've been her friend for almost 12 years and we dated for 5. She shares a side of me that I never will be able to share with anyone else. We knew how to push each others buttons in a good way. Since we moved to NYC she is by far my best friend. I just don't have anything like it anywhere. This is something that I'm just starting to realize.

[Headintheclouds]

I have to ask for some advice...

I've probably already answered this for myself in this thread. The fact that she didn't come home the past 2 Saturdays is what is probably eating me alive the most. Is it worth me even "going there" with her and telling her that I feel like shes rubbing it in my face?

 

Out of anything that's happened I think that is the most effed up. I feel disrespected. I just want her to know how I feel about it. I don't know what I would be gaining or changing. For me to tip toe around her with this feeling inside is like holding back a volcano.

 

I'm trying not to slip but it's so damn hard.

[jus d'orange]

Man, that's a tough situation. I think my ex was honest when she said she wanted to be single, learn about herself, and eventually date other people. However, I've heard 1 thing about her since we broke up, and that's that she was finding life hard without me. If I knew for a fact she'd been with other guys, or even could see it and suspect it, that would make it a lot tougher.

 

I'd recommend you either get out of the apartment for a few nights (stay at a friends) so you can cool off and not see this happen again, or maybe hang out with a friend who's great at listening, and just rant about this until you're exhausted. Frankly, that's terribly insensitive of her. Not to mention, it also just points out how weak of an individual she is.

 

Try to let the volcano off in some other way that at her. Any way you can that keeps it civil between the two of you. Also, try to keep in mind that it's her weakness. If there's some other guy, you gotta pity him, because he's getting used.

[Headintheclouds]

Thanks. I know I sound like a broken record at times. I just needed to hear that from someone else.

 

Its really hard to figure out what is currently happening in my situation, or what will become of it once we both move out. Right now It goes like this...

 

At some point at night we see each other, say Hi. There are a few things said here and there. If a conversation starts getting friendly, it is usually shut down pretty quickly by either party. No conversations go anywhere. There is a lot of silence and glances at each other.

 

By the time we get home at night, there isn't much to do. I'm on my computer or watching TV. She is usually on her computer talking to random people through email/facebook. That ALWAYS gets me thinking and wondering who it is. I don't look though. We sit mere feet from each other while doing all of this as we only have a 1 bedroom apartment. I sit there watching TV, but honestly I don't even think I know what is on. Then, when I run out of things not to say, I just turn around and go to bed. All the while all I can think of is how I want to put my arms around her, or just go up and give her a massage in her chair like I used to all the time.

 

During that time I think of 100 ways I'd like to start a conversation and 1000 things I want to say to her. Every one of them seems emotionally driven so I just clam up. Sometimes I think that maybe it would be better for the future to let her know how much I love her and think of everything right now. Then I think that I just need to be strong and carry on, and just hold it in. I end up not saying anything.

 

I don't know what I'm getting at here. I'm just trying to paint a picture, and to vent. This forum has helped me so much, and I'm sure I'd be much worse if I didn't randomly vent here. I'm thankful for all that have responded since this started. You have given me much comfort in my situation.

[Headintheclouds]

Fluorescent, I greatly appreciate your support

 

We are not really that young. I'm 35, she is 31. I look about 10 years younger than I am, and I'm fit as can be. I don't have a problem meeting women either. I'm not trying to sound cocky here. I'm just saying that I really felt that this was the one from the start. I've been through quite a few longer relationships, and when I started with her I had no doubt in my mind that it would be my last.

 

One thing that sort of hit me today was this...

From the start of our relationship, it was super easy. I never had to try to impress her or live up to her standards. We did everything together. There were never any big blowout fights. We were both super easy going. It was just...easy.

 

On the flip side, there were really never any intense moments between us. There were never any fights that ended constructively. No kiss and make ups. There was passion in the beginning but she became super cold sexually. Eventually I stopped trying to have sex with her because I felt like she would never want to. We probably had sex once a month if that.

 

What am I getting at? Well, I just realized that there was never any intensity. Even now, in the end, there still isn't any intensity. Sure, I'm sad and angry and confused, but I am able to hold back from losing my Sh*t in front of her. She is still her cold, emotionless self.

 

I really can't say anything bad about her otherwise, because she is an amazing person. She is very outgoing, driven, and down to earth. But emotionally, its just not there.

 

Yesterday one of my ex's came out of the woodwork and emailed me. We ended up talking on the phone last night for almost 2 hrs. Throughout the relationship with her we would have fights. this fights would end constructively and we would kiss, make up and move on. I remember when her and I broke up. I lost my mind. I was more of a wreck from that 6 month relationship than I am now. Its because I had a much greater emotional attachment to her than I do to my current ex.

 

Slowly I'm realizing more and more whats behind the curtain.

[goingkrazy]

Im in the same position as you right now, 5 yrs and its falling apart its killing me.

As i sit here and type she is a wall away, it hurts man iv never felt like this before. we talk but its very short, she is cold to me and i cant for the life of me be like that to her. im very weak all the sudden and cant seem to control it. as i read your post it almost looked like i was typing it. i hope it gets better soon. wish you luck bro

[jus d'orange]

Slowly I'm realizing more and more whats behind the curtain.

 

That's what you need to do. Having to live with your ex for a while extra is so difficult, but you're still making progress.

 

Try to remember that you deserve more than someone who's comfortable, but emotionally empty like that. My ex and I used to have some impassioned fights. When she cheated on me early on in the relationship, it really messed me up for awhile. But when we got through those troubles, when we'd see each other after a long stretch apart (we were almost always a LDR), the sex was incredibly passionate. I wouldn't have it any other way.

 

You'll find someone, or someone will find you, who has that sort of passion for you. Having read your words, the pain you feel... that's sign of a life lived fully, of a true, deep love. Her emptiness and coldness is a sign of a soul repressed. You should feel sorry for her, I guess.

 

Keep going, man. On the other side of this is much happier times.

[tgr172]

@jus d'orange, @flourescent

 

Its like this... When that person is your best friend, during the breakup you both sort of detach yourself of that friendship. It hurts too bad to try to be super friendly, poke fun, laugh together etc. I miss my best friend so bad right now.

 

I just keep thinking of her with someone else who I'm sure will not "get her" like I did. I said to her awhile back that it didn't seem like she was feeling anything. She said that she just "deals differently". How can you deal at all when you have someone else already. It makes me so angry and sad.

 

As you said Jus d'orange, I feel like I'm looking forward and my world is burning around me. Sometimes I look around and notice it burning. When I do, I feel horrible again.

 

And so goes this seemingly endless loop of emotion. Starting with sadness, into anger, into forgiveness and back around again.

 

 

This quote of yours is probably the most articulate post on this site. It describes everyones emotions I believe.

 

In my case I was the best that was available but she was always in love with the man that left her for another and got dumped and so is available again. So I already know what is going on with her and him. Any contact with her is horrible because she is happy beyond belief and on cloud 9. Man talk about hurting your self image.

 

As far as best friend I can relate.Loosing that is the worst ... mostly because a woman being your best friend offers so much more compassion and deep feelings than a guy as a best friend. It is an incredable feeling. And a horrible loss. It also has to do with knowing that person is there and can be counted on. You can count on seeing that face and she feels the same.

 

In your case I do believe YOU are the man that others will be the rebound guy for. If that is any consolation for you.... and it should. She will miss you and will look for that man that she once knew. Your task is to not give in to depression and anxiaty. She will remember you as that, which you dont want her to.

 

She knows her being out all night gets to you. She knows that her acting like she is fine and doesent care is getting to you. Dont think for a moment she doesent know that. She wants you to regret loosing her and she is now in control. It helps her feel empowered. If you react to it then it will give her that justification or excuse to explain what went wrong. She will take on the victom roll. And suddenly you will be concidered as that guy that is a problem. I know... It happened to me. just a simple act of why, why, why, done out of hurt now makes me as some sort of problem that her friends see me as. Only once but it is all it takes.

 

Also your communication when together seems like a mexican standoff. You are purposely ACTING like you dont care and are in control by being quiet and withdrawn. She sees that that isnt how you normally act and again knows its getting to you. What you both seem to be doing is pouting. If I might offer some advice? Be her friend again! Help her find that place ask how her day was be yourself as if nothing happened even throw in some humor about the situation. Just know she obviously likes that part of you so dont be afraid to continue it. It will relieve alot of your stress and make her realize that she hasent taken your mojo. Sorry to say it but you are now in a game. It sounds stupid and childish and it is but it is what happens. So you need to learn how its played. You are like me. I wear my heart on my sleeve for those I love and are sincere. The thought of the game makes me feel dirty. But knowing it makes us more aware of ourselves and the environment.

 

She probably will see other men and maybe just maybe be intimate. you are not together as an item anymore you have to understand that. So what. Does that mean that she feels the same for them as you? And btw they are the rebound guys... so it doesent matter. They will in the end be second best because she will always measure them against you. thats what counts. Dont let those images and your mind drive you crazy. It will if you look at it wrong. As a rebound guy myself I can tell you they will wish they were you.

 

The endless cycle you described is spot on . for me mornings are the worst. By the end of the day I start to feel better. Then it happens all over. I miss what we had so much I can hardly move. And the regret over blowing chances to have stopped it are the worst but again I know that she had to go back to him and it would have happened eventually. I just hope his all about me charictor shows up again .

 

As for you be confident and outgoingly positive around her. She needs to explore and will soon see that she prefers you because we all can see that you are a very good catch. That is if you dont become remembered as a depressed anxious person. Women love confidence.

[Headintheclouds]

Tgr, I hear ya man. I can relate to all of that. I do feel like I'm stuck in a game right now. I have been playing it right for the most part. Last night was a bad night though.

 

The times she didn't come home were eating me alive. Not so much that she was with someone else, but the fact that I felt it was disrespectful in our situation. Like she was rubbing it in my face.

 

She was on her computer last night and I was trying to sleep on the couch behind her. I could hear her typing and I could tell she was talking to whoever she is seeing. It pissed me off so bad. I could't hold it in anymore.

 

I told myself yesterday that I could say whatever I wanted to her as long as I wasn't expecting a certain response in return. I got up off the couch and told her I needed to get something off my chest. I proceeded to tell her how I felt about her nights staying out and how she is sitting in front of me talking to another guy. I said it felt like she was rubbing it in my face. I know were not together and I can't tell her what to do, but in order for me to be able to go through this mess, I would rather not have to deal with that. I don't want to hurt anymore than I have to from all of this.

 

Anyways, she said "you don't even know where I was" and said "do you really want to know where I was?". I initially said no. Then when I actually asked her she couldn't even tell me. It's obvious that it was with whoever she is seeing.

 

This spiraled into the same conversation we have had a few times now. Her telling me how confused she is. Her telling me that all her relationships end this way. She said that we shouldn't have to try to make something work, it should just happen. It's like she thinks that relationships take no effort. They are just supposed to work perfectly.

 

I was not crying or breaking down. At my weakest point i just said that the hardest thing im dealing with is that she rejected me and is seeing someone else.

 

It wasn't a fight. It wasn't a break down. It wasn't really what I intended to happen, but I just needed to get some stuff out of me. I hope in the long run it wasn't the wrong thing to do, but in my situation it's so hard to understand what is right and wrong.

 

We retreated to our beds. I said goodnight and went over and sat down next to her, I put my hand in her head and just told her that Im here for her for anything. I consoled her and told her that I just wanted her to be comfortable saying anything to me. I said that In the end I just wanted her to be happy.

 

I'm feeling ok about it. I just know that I have to stay strong and make that the last talk like that. Its probably not good for either of us.

[tgr172]

You ended it right in my opinion. One thing that I have learned is that an understanding man is something a woman will always remember. Telling her how YOU felt might have shown some weakness. But you seemed to handle it better than most. She did open up to you, pour out her fears and confusing. She is having feelings that she is dealing with. And I bet she is feeling trapped. Remember these are just feelings, It is your time to forget about you and realize right now she is all about herself. I have some experiance with this situation. She shared that with you and that is huge. My recommendation? You love her dearly right? One of the most satisfying and healing things for someone that loves someone is to be selfless and be there for them. Even if it means helping them be free. The result is that they will see you as that person that was there for them and acted selflessly for them. Dont lay on the guilt of how they are making you feel bad. (I made the mistake of unloading on my love of my life by being selfish and wanting her to hear me and not listening to her fears, Iit was only a momentary lapse but it was devestating to us and I lost her)Remember right now she is totally consumed in her own tortureous hell. Im not a bible thumper but I do believe in one verse from Corenthians "Love is not jelious or boastful, Let us not love with words or the tounge but in actions and truth." . Despite what she does or how she acts, she needs someone who loves her to be there and listen. Man women are hard to figure and sometimes the right answer is counter intuitive. Be fun and her escape. First let her know that you are not looking to change her mind. Agree with her concerns and be understanding. Make her feel you are not judgemental, You are there for her in any capacity no matter what. Thought is just go out and sit in a cafe with a glass of wine and dont talk about relationship stuff of get too serious. And dont even make her feel bad or guilty over her decision. Dont do it! You will feel bigger and important by just offering her that escape. She still may go, move out or even date some but you my friend will be that guy she feels good about herself around. Dont force it Tell her you both are sad and under stress right now over all this and lets just enjoy life and forget all the relationship stuff. It will do us both good. Show no jelousy or hurt. You want to see her happy and your relationship and possessing her isnt as important as enjoying some moments together.

 

Like I said she gave you a window into her mind and what I see it as you just need to go back to something less intense. Thats why being yourself and happy will be of huge importance. Right now being with you and being with her is very stressful and not light and easy. That is what she is meaning about it shouldnt be work. Relax and enjoy. That is the medicine. Down the road you might date her some and you will be ahead of the game over anybody else. You are in the first quarter now. think long run. set the environment for Remember it is a game to get her back so think of the game strategy not just one set of downs. the fourth quarter down the road. You may have to sit and watch as she moves on for a period of time. But you know she will be back because you are the guy that shee feels good with. Knowing that will make you more secure. Plus what is a better feeling than helping someone you truely love become happy and healed. From what I can tell your love for her is more than selfish so it shouldnt be hard.

 

Dont do like me my friend. We just had a rainstorm and the air is clear temp is like 69 and I stepped outside and thought how nice it would be to sit with my woman and have a glass of wine on the beach right now and knowing that wont happen because she is doing that with the man who makes her feel relaxed and happy. That I drove her to. You be that man!

Edited March 3, 2012 by tgr172

[Eternal Sunshine]

Why, on earth would you want someone that cheated on you?

[tgr172]

I agree ES. My ex;s ex cheated like hell on her and put her through so much pain it boardered on cruilty yet she keeps going back because he is a great charmer.However in yhis case I dont believe cheating is what happened. From what I read they broke up and are trying to find seperate living arrangements which cant happen to Apr at a minimum. They are only in the same house because they are forced to. I read nothing that indicated she was seeing others before the breakup. So to me if you break up and start dating then its not cheating. He is free to date also. And that is assuming she is actually seeing some other man. He seems to think so but isnt completely sure himself. I do feel that a cheater in a COMMITED relationship is dirt. Its how I was raised so I agree with you.

[Headintheclouds]

Why, on earth would you want someone that cheated on you?

 

She never cheated. She started seeing someone right after the breakup. There was probably en emotional attachment before we broke up.

 

TGR your previous post was spot on. I wrote her an email yesterday reinforcing what we had talked about the night before, and said some of the things you said in your post. She wrote me back and showed similar feelings. I just have to take it for what it is right now. I want to be as selfless as I can, for both of us.

 

Last night I went out with some people from work. There was a girl that I've been attracted to for awhile. We've always had some weird energy between us. I had a really awesome time with her. She is beyond beautiful. No borders were crossed. I think we both know that its not a good time to start anything between us. It did feel good though. I needed a little confidence boost

[Headintheclouds]

I went and looked at an apartment today. The place is awesome and the people I would be moving in with are great too. Its NYC, so its really hard to live alone. 2 of the guys are bike racers like me, and there are 2 girls. The room is great, location, price, everything.

 

My dilemma is this. This may sound petty to some of you unless you are attached to an animal. I've had my cat almost 12 years. He is awesome. One of the girls there is allergic to cats, so I can't bring him along. Anyways, my ex said she would gladly take him.

 

This means that NC after the final break would be even harder. I'm going to want to go see him from time to time. I'm not sure if I should just suck it up and do that or keep looking for places. This would also mean that I am losing my gf, my apartment, and now my cat because of all of this. I know he would be well taken care of with her, its just that I am very attached to him...

[Headintheclouds]

You know, I actually do feel a bit better after that last conversation. I've since taken a different perspective on things. Its made it a bit easier to coexist. There are a lot of unanswered questions, and I have accepted that. I'm so ready to move on.

 

You hit the nail on the head explaining her. I wish I could make her realize this, but I haven't even attempted to. I know she won't understand and would become defensive.

 

On the other hand, you also explained how I have gone about things in the past. I have at many times filled the void with other women, be it sex, or a rebound. I am doing my best not to go down the same roads. I have taken a different road so far in dealing with the current situation, and I want to take a different road throughout the recovery.

 

As for the cat thing, my mom also offered to take care of him. Believe me when I tell you that I am so attached to him. He's been through so much with me and he is awesome. I never ever want to let him go, but the scope of the situation may call for it. If I leave him with my mom, I won't have to deal with the ex after the relationship. Although my mom lives 6+ hrs away, I could always take him back when I'm back on my feet.

 

The apartment I'm looking at would probably only be temporary until I get on my feet and overall would be a good situation to be in, and good people to be around. There is no way I'll ever be able to buy a house here in the city. To live by myself at the least will cost 1200+ a month for something decent in a ok neighborhood. I could afford that but its a stretch. Believe me, I really don't want to be living with other people at this point in my life, but you have to understand that living here is much different than most places.

[Headintheclouds]

Man...it's hard when I see her come home at 2am knowing that she was out with the guy she is seeing. It's hard finding movie ticket stubs on her desk from a movie they went to. Is hard watching her text or chat online late at night. She never did that before so I know who she is talking to. It's hard to see all new clothes she's bought recently, and that she's in better physical shape. She is doing all of this for someone else.

 

These are small things that most of you don't have to see or deal with because your breakup was over when it happened. Today is just about 1 month for me. Although I've been strong and all, it's the small things that paint a bigger picture. She is so far gone. I have accepted this as much as I possibly can. A few more weeks and I'm out of this mess. I have so many decisions to make right now. This is the hardest thing I've ever been through.

 

I just needed to vent. I'm on my way to the therapist in a bit. Hopefully I can get some mind sorting done today...

[Headintheclouds]

Fluorescent,

It comes in waves. Most of the time I feel ok and have accepted and "rose above" it. Sometimes it still gets to me. Overall I am doing really well. It's just the fact that we still live together that keeps these feelings looming over me.

 

I'm doing so much for myself right now, but nothing will settle these feelings until I'm out of the apartment with her. My therapist pointed out my feelings of ambivalence today. I have these contradicting feelings of rejection, but also feelings of unhappiness that I had during the relationship. I just have to remember that there were many times where I wanted to end the relationship myself. I have to remind myself what I felt at those times. When I can, this whole situation becomes much easier.