The aftermath of my breakup...

[LogicallyIllogical]

I've said it before but I can't wait til this is over. Its like I have to hit the reset button every morning. I go to bed feeling good about things. Then I wake up and see her in the morning, and I start thinking about everything again. Then it fades, then the cycle repeats. It sucks.

 

 

I'm with you on that. I can't imagine living with my ex and having to see her everyday, but I can tell you that I'm going through the same cycle. I went to the gym twice today and actually just got back from my second trip. I feel OK now. I feel that I've accepted her decision, understand something was wrong and it wouldn't have worked unless this breakup happened. I felt this way last night as well, and when I wokeup today, it's like it all became real again. I had to pick myself back up and start over. I know it will be like that again tomorrow morning, but at the same time, it will fade with time. Living with her definitely isn't healthy, but eventually you'll have to move on.

 

You can always keep the door open for her to return, but by the time she does, you may not want her back. Hell, I'm only several days into my breakup/NC but I'm trying to be positive and make myself get out of the house and not sulk while thinking of my ex. You should do the same. Get out of there and get as active as possible.

 

Going NC is the only way you'll heal after she moves out. If you try contacting her and she doesn't answer or tells you to stop contacting her, it will crush you and probably reset any progress made thus far. Remember that you deserve to be happy and hopping back into a relationship with her now will not work. You'll both revert to the old tendencies that got you to where you're at now. Take the time to be happy, forgive yourself, work on your problems and if she wants you back, let her make contact. She let you go, so it's her job to try to win you back. I know I'll be ok in time and so will you man.

[SimonMas]

What is really killing me right now is that she wants it over because she lost feelings for me due to my attitude. I wasn't a happy person when I was with her and I'm not entirely sure what to attribute it to.

 

She never gave me a warning. She never told me exactly what drove her away until last night. I'm beating myself up for it now. I don't understand how someone so seemingly attached to me can just pick up and walk away without giving me a chance to make a change.

 

Well, you should stop feeling guilty as she herself is not completely innocent. I am glad that you had that talk with her. It is good when you let it all out and not feeling any regrets later on for not saying what you are feeling.

 

You will be fine and I am confident of that.

[Headintheclouds]

Logic, believe me I'm doing everything I can to stay busy and keep my mind off of things. I feel great at times, but then I know that eventually I have to go home, and eventually we will see each other at some point during the day/night. This is probably the hardest situation I've ever been in.

 

There is a small chance that she will have a place to live by the end of this month. If not it won't be until next month. Thankfully I have a week long trip planned next month so Ill be able to get away for a bit. It sucks though because she was supposed to go on this trip with me...

[LogicallyIllogical]

Again, I hear you. Although I don't have to go home and see my ex, I'm constantly reminded of her by people, places and things. I just wokeup today and the pain hit me all over again. It's getting easier to remind myself that she left and there's nothing I can do but try to move on, but it still sucks. Point is, I'm just trying to convey that you're not alone. Although I don't live with my ex, I'm still going through the same thing as you on some level.

 

My ex is going out tonight, and I was supposed to be going with her. Granted, that's not the same as going on a trip together, but it's still the same type of blow. It hurts and I know today/tonight is going to be bad. But, at the same time, I'm realizing she doesn't owe me anything now that we're broken up and she's free to live her life without me, as am I.

 

Just keep your head up and keep pushing through. That's what I'm telling myself. It sucks to admit it to yourself, but our ex's broke it off and obviously either lost love for us or didn't care. Understand that you're a good person and their short-sightedness will be their loss.

[Headintheclouds]

Lately and especially today all my feelings are turning into anger. I still don't understand her choices. I'm stuck living with her, and I can't fully move on until she is gone.

 

I just want to push her as far away as I can right now. I'm pissed. I had a ton of opportunities to meet or hang out with other women when we were together. I never even gave them a second thought. She has been super wishy washy with telling me about who she is "kind of" seeing. I know whole heartedly that I know this girl better than anyone. I feel like no matter who that person is, they will never share what we shared. That's always what I thought about when I was hit on by other women. We really did share a special connection and it pisses me off so bad that she wants to throw it away.

 

I want her to feel my anger. Especially when we go NC after she finally leaves. I want her to feel it right now. I've been so easy going and sort of passive with things but I'm at this boiling point where I am having trouble containing what's inside me.

[jus d'orange]

Lately and especially today all my feelings are turning into anger. I still don't understand her choices. I'm stuck living with her, and I can't fully move on until she is gone.

 

I just want to push her as far away as I can right now. I'm pissed. I had a ton of opportunities to meet or hang out with other women when we were together. I never even gave them a second thought. She has been super wishy washy with telling me about who she is "kind of" seeing. I know whole heartedly that I know this girl better than anyone. I feel like no matter who that person is, they will never share what we shared. That's always what I thought about when I was hit on by other women. We really did share a special connection and it pisses me off so bad that she wants to throw it away.

 

I want her to feel my anger. Especially when we go NC after she finally leaves. I want her to feel it right now. I've been so easy going and sort of passive with things but I'm at this boiling point where I am having trouble containing what's inside me.

 

While I totally understand the anger you feel, you need to recognize that, as far as I understand, dumpers often feel angry and confused at themselves, because their feelings no longer match how they think about the person. They had to make the decision because it was how they felt.

 

I know it's tough, but try to realize that the breakup was the right decision, because a relationship where someone doesn't feel it is right anymore can only harm both people if it limps along. By learning to see it this way and by preventing your anger from becoming something you take to her, you demonstrate to herself, and more importantly to yourself, that you are respectful and mature. Furthermore, breaking up before the relationship became toxic means that, should the two take this time to grow and become more secure, happier people, there could be a potential for another loving relationship between the two of you again. If the relationship had continued in such a state as you have described, the two of you may have ended up resenting each other and being more damaged as individuals.

 

This view is something that is helping me feel better about the breakup; it helps me to forgive and focus on healing from the pain of missing someone important and losing them from my life. I hope it can do the same for you... you're handling this very well, just keep it up.

[Mack05]

We all have been hurt. We all have anger. The genuinely good people in life raise above it. They forgive their ex's and they move on with their lives. They focus on the mistakes they made in the relationship and vow never to make those mistakes again. The lessons we learn in relationships give us the tools, to be great partners in future.

 

Your ex made a decision to leave the relationship. If you love her as deeply as you say you do, set her free. Give her the chance to find happiness. More importantly give yourself a chance to find happiness. By behaving with class and leaving go of all the anger, it shows maturity and strength. Does it suck to leave go?. Yeah!Totally! But how you deal with this now, will determine what kind of man and partner you will be in the future.

[Headintheclouds]

I've been pretty good at keeping my emotions at bay until the past few days.

 

Last night I was going out. She came home while I was getting ready. I had felt so angry all day and she could detect that I wasn't right.

 

Well, I started with her. I said that I just don't understand this. I said that I couldn't understand why she couldn't have just told me she was unhappy. Why it just ended so abruptly. She said that she just knew she was unhappy and knew he couldn't continue and that was it.

 

I said that I think it's pretty f**cked up that she is already seeing someone. She told me that at least she didn't cheat on me etc. I said that's fine but I have to live with the girl I love for another month knowing that she's with someone else. Slowly in different ways she has admitted that she's seeig someone else. She won't come right out and say it. She dances around it saying that she's not "in a relationship" with them yet.

 

When I got together with her, she was in the exact same situation. Her BF at the time was in the process of moving out, and her and I were hanging out already. She just jumps from relationship to relationship and tells me that they all end the same way. They end because she is super easy going, and whoever she is with seemingly takes advantage of that. She never expressed any bad feelings towards me. If we got into an argument she was always very passive and just let it be. We were both unhappy and we knew it yet I had no idea what I was doing that made her unhappy, or how to change myself. All of a sudden, poof! It was over.

 

I know this is not getting me anywhere. She got mad at me for coming at her with all of this. It was not a huge blowout. I calmed her down and apologized and explained that I just don't feel resolved. I don't have closure. These feelings eat at me all day and the longer this goes on, the harder it is for me to keep them in. I also said that every time I see her the feelings rush back.

 

I know I'm not getting anywhere by doing this. I'm doing my best here. I dunno if any of you have had to live with your ex's afterwards, but I can tell you it is the worst thing ever. Especially when you know they are seeing someone else.

 

It doesn't seem to effect her, and that also makes me so mad. She says she just "deals with it in a different way". When she speaks to me you can tell that there is no feeling involved. She has as many of you said, detached herself. At one point, I told her that it is so hard because when I see her, I just want to hold her. When I see her sleeping, I just want to come lay next to her. I could tell that she almost cried when I said those things so I know she still feels something.

 

Anyways, I'm just venting now. I just don't want to keep digging myself into a hole. I went out last night and got pretty drunk. It was fun and all, but its really not me anymore. I know this may sound pathetic but honestly I think the only thing that will help me right now is if I find another woman. Even if its just to hang out with, or a temporary fling, It would help. I've been out of the game for so long, plus I've never been single since I moved to NYC. I've never had trouble meeting women, but I also know that when I am really looking, nothing is there. I'm not sure I know how to anymore.

[LogicallyIllogical]

You have to take time bro. Going out might not be the best thing for you yet. You're going through a process in which you'll have to re-discover yourself because you lost your identity while you were with your girlfriend. Just try to keep busy and not confront her while you're both home. Stay away from your apartment while she's home and try to live your life, but going out while you're heart and head are messed up probably isn't a good idea. It will only make you feel worse.

[Headintheclouds]

Thanks guys.

 

I sort of said that to her last night. I said that it's pretty obvious how your next relationship will end too. In retrospect maybe it was mean, but seriously, it's an obvious pattern.

 

While we were together she did do a lot for me. She was amazing actually. The worst part is that it turned me from an independent man that took care of everything to someone who didn't feel like lifting a finger. In a sense she enabled me to be like that and I always hated that. I never felt like I had to live up to anything, or try. There was no pull.

 

She never actually talked about anything constructive between us. Conversations were always a dead end. She could say she was unhappy but never could tell me why or what she wanted. She said last night, "well did you want me to be an ass*%le all the time?". I told her no, but sometimes you have to give a little push back. Sometimes you have to pull away to keep things in check. Everything with her was so passive. I have always been a good communicator but in this relationship it was like I hit a brick wall.

[jus d'orange]

What you're describing is a relationship that simply didn't work for you.

 

It hurts because you see what the potential of a healthy relationship with her is. As hard as it is, it's very important that you learn to see how this relationship continuing would only have hurt both of you further. It's nice to say "what if she had been more emotionally mature...," but that question is only worth asking about the future. If you and her made the changes necessary to have healthy, committed relationships, could the two of you reconnect and realize that potential? Yes, there is a possibility. But for the time being, especially since she's already moving into another relationship, you need to let it go and move on with your life as a strong, independent individual. You deserve better.

[Headintheclouds]

I was feeling great all day. I know she had something to do today, and it seemed odd that she wasn't home yet. Not that I should care. It didn't bother me much. Then I just noticed her toothbrush and a few other things were missing. So now I'm pretty sure, just like last week, she is staying with someone else.

 

I can't explain to you how hurtful this is right now. Part of me just wants to suck it up. The other part of me wants to send her a spiteful text telling her to have fun at her little sleepover. How F*&cked up. Thats great, she's seeing someone. But I gotta sit and fester with the thought all night of my ex getting banged by some other guy. Then tomorrow I'm sure I'll have to face her at some point.

 

Its one thing to be able to break up and be apart. You think of the other person but you don't truly know what they are doing. In my situation, Everything that happens, I am made aware of. I'm honestly jealous of you guys that have broken up and are able to be free. I feel like I am in prison right now.

[HollyBolly]

Jesus! This is getting crazy! Look, enough already! You HAVE to move on! I broke up with my ex 2 weeks ago and I've gone further than you, and we were together for 5 years! Enough is enough! She is NOT worth your troubles and, quite frankly, neither are you. This is NOT love. This is sado-masochism. At some point you're going to have to let it go and it may as well be now. Take it from me.

[Headintheclouds]

Holly, believe me at this point I am accepting that its over. I'm not sure if you read through this thread, but we are stuck living together for another month. If we didn't have this situation in front of us I would be 1000% better right now. Its just that there is no escaping each other for a bit.

 

Honestly at the moment I feel totally fine. Its almost a good feeling that I know I won't have to see her tonight. She is slowly making me hate her.

[jus d'orange]

Holly, believe me at this point I am accepting that its over. I'm not sure if you read through this thread, but we are stuck living together for another month. If we didn't have this situation in front of us I would be 1000% better right now. Its just that there is no escaping each other for a bit.

 

Honestly at the moment I feel totally fine. Its almost a good feeling that I know I won't have to see her tonight. She is slowly making me hate her.

 

You've got a really rough situation. I feel like NC has helped me so much to keep moving with my life and move on from the pain of the breakup. I know you've still got another month to go of this unfair situation, but you can start by letting go of the anger and hate... you need to feel sorry for her if anything. It's very sad that she's already rebounding and repeating the cycle of her previous doomed relationships. She's an emotionally immature person and you deserve better.

 

You're going to feel the pain and be reminded of it until the two of you have moved out. However, you can control your attitude toward everything. You've been handling this so well; keep it up. Someday you'll be glad you've handled this the way you have been.

[FearfulFuture]

HITC i just had to post a response to inform you that after reading through your thread it is quite clear that i am in the EXACT same position at the EXACT same time, you are not alone. My gf of 4.5 years last week told me she 'didnt feel the same' and 'has been feeling confused and distant for months', boom it's all over and i actually thought we were doing ok!

 

I have also found myself in the unfortunate position of having to live in our apartment together for the next few weeks until she moves out, it SUCKS! Reading through your posts i found that i feel the exact same way, even down to making myself go out and party but feeling it really isn't me anymore, as if i have grown out of it but stuck in the knowledge that i have to do to 1) help myself 2) avoid the ex at home and 3) how else will i ever meet somebody else (not that i want to of course but definitely when im healed).

 

If you read through my previous threads you can get the full the story of my situation but i wanted you to know you are not alone. I have read many peoples stories on LS and they have really helped but i find you always have to adapt them to fit your own situation, i feel our story is almost mirrored so i hope we can help each other on how our journey's unfold!

 

I am so ready to break free of this mess and as soon as she's gone go into NC but like you i am worried that it will be one bill to sort out after another and in fact will be a long way down the line until i can go completely NC (then how will she miss me?). Also like you my gf wasn't very good at communicating and 3 days after the break up we had 'the talk' (didn't help, answers are still the same) then 2 days after we had 'the fight' (i regretted saying some mean things) and now we are back to living with each other with very minimal contact. I would love to hear how you are handling the situation and any tips you may have to break out of this prison we have found ourselves in. Hope it gets easier soon.

[Headintheclouds]

Fearful, I'm sorry to hear but I'm also glad someone can relate. I'll check out your posts and respond in a bit as I'm about to run out the door right now.

 

Just a quick question for anyone/everyone...

As per one of my last posts, she didn't come home last night. I know we are not together anymore, but I see this as disrespect and just someone that doesn't give a Sh*t.

 

I'm not crying or torn to pieces over it. I'm just angry. Basically, I know I will probably see her later. She will probably just act like everything is normal and say hi and possibly start some small talk. How do I respond with out saying FU? Thats all I feel towards her right now.

 

I've been strong and I know it, but in reality, at this point I really don't want to speak a single word to her. I don't want to give her any respect. The only thing I want to hear from her is that she found a new place to live.

 

There is a fine line between love and hate.

Edited February 26, 2012 by Headintheclouds

[HollyBolly]

Holly, believe me at this point I am accepting that its over. I'm not sure if you read through this thread, but we are stuck living together for another month. If we didn't have this situation in front of us I would be 1000% better right now. Its just that there is no escaping each other for a bit.

 

Honestly at the moment I feel totally fine. Its almost a good feeling that I know I won't have to see her tonight. She is slowly making me hate her.

 

I live across the street from my ex in a very small town of under 3k. All I need to do is look out the window and I can see if she is home or not. This makes my situation VERY difficult. Now, I can't paint the windows black, can I? Vitamin D deficiency is not much better, I don't think. The one lucky thing in my situation is that I found out she is completely delusional. How? FB! Yes, that dangerous spy network tool! I now realise that I did nothing wrong. There was nothing I could've done to prevent this. I must move on.

 

I'm very sorry you have to live with your ex for another month. I didn't read through everything in this thread so I don't know why. Knowing that it is over is a good start. You don't need to hate her. You need to be indifferent. Can you try to avoid her as much as you can? Do you find yourself deliberately staying home when you know she will be? I hope, for your sake, that you can finally move on after the month is over. I feel for you!

[Headintheclouds]

I definitely don't stay home waiting for her. I'm out as much as I possibly can be.

 

Just got back from a 70 mile bike ride. Now I'm about to go to the gym for a bit. I stay busy, but I can't be away all the time. NYC will eat your wallet if you try to be out all the time.

 

All said and done I will be able to move on after. I could right now. What she did last night is disrespectful to me. Its like she's rubbing it in my face. I still don't know what to expect out of myself when I face her. She still isn't home yet. I know I shouldn't care and I don't on some levels, but its just painful. I feel that she is wrong for acting the way she is. Maybe I'm wrong. I'm confused.

[HollyBolly]

I don't know if this will make you feel better, but it certainly makes ME feel better knowing, and I mean KNOWING, that my ex will do the same thing to her next victim as she did to me.

[Sugarkane]

No offence but why would you wish for ill will on your ex?. She left you, it's life. It's horrible to be rejected by someone we love, I understand that. BUT, instead of focusing on what 'might' happen with your ex in future, focus on the reasons why she left. Just cause you got dumped doesn't make you unloveable. You just got to heed lessons and learn from them.

 

Don't worry about your ex. Wish her well in life and hope she finds the right guy for her. Feeling better cause you think she might mess up is not the right attitude to have here. Feeling better is making a promise to yourself to find the right girl and when you do to treat her as good as humanly possible. Feeling better is about learning from YOUR mistakes and becoming a better person.

 

What will be, will be for your ex. Forgive her, wish her well and move on with your life with hope, peace and joy in your heart. Learn from your mistakes. Believe in yourself. Once you achieve that, impossible becomes two letters to long...possible....

But how can you learn anything especially if they just up and leave? Especially if they won't even talk to you, coz if they did they would have to feel guilt?

[HollyBolly]

No offence but why would you wish for ill will on your ex?. She left you, it's life. It's horrible to be rejected by someone we love, I understand that. BUT, instead of focusing on what 'might' happen with your ex in future, focus on the reasons why she left. Just cause you got dumped doesn't make you unloveable. You just got to heed lessons and learn from them.

 

Don't worry about your ex. Wish her well in life and hope she finds the right guy for her. Feeling better cause you think she might mess up is not the right attitude to have here. Feeling better is making a promise to yourself to find the right girl and when you do to treat her as good as humanly possible. Feeling better is about learning from YOUR mistakes and becoming a better person.

 

What will be, will be for your ex. Forgive her, wish her well and move on with your life with hope, peace and joy in your heart. Learn from your mistakes. Believe in yourself. Once you achieve that, impossible becomes two letters to long...possible....

 

I don't know how you got that I wanted to wish ill will on my ex from what I wrote. What I said was she would do the same thing to her next victim. It's a pattern. She did it to her ex and the ex before that and probably the ones before. Now, she did it to me. It's a pattern.

 

And I didn't get dumped. We left each other.

[HollyBolly]

I guess I read this wrong..sorry

 

No worries. What I meant was that SHE is the one who has a problem and not me. She is self-destructive and, unless she gets help, will repeat the same pattern over and over again. I have come to realise, from therapy, that she exhibits traits of BPD and NPD. I am a woman. This was a lesbian relationship. I can't remember what we were discussing, but about a month and a half before we broke up, she told me something about how she wasn't sure she could ever be with a man again. Literally 3 hours after we broke up, she was trolling for men. See the pattern?

[HollyBolly]

your in therapy and your therapist is diagnosing someone she has never met? I suggest changing therapists. The patterns, what she has or doesn't have don't matter. This point is lost on you..If this girl is as big a mess as you say she is, why were you with her in the first place? Focus on you..not her. Her behaviours are not your concern..

 

LOL No, no, my therapist didn't diagnose her. What I said was she exhibited the traits.

 

Why was I with her? Because I truly believed she loved me. When I realised she didn't I tried to end it but she came back time and time again, begging for chance after chance. Yes, I was stupid to have taken her back but I am human. As for focusing on myself, I am trying my best. Going to therapy helps but it takes time. I don't know about you but I can't just shut my feelings off.

[HollyBolly]

How do you know she exhibited the traits, without researching what BPD or NPD? Researching what is wrong with your ex is a waste if time. My ex has unresolved anger. I spent a day googling it and then let it go. Doesn't matter what her issues are. Focus on therapy not what is wrong with her..

 

I can't shut my feelings off. But over the years I have learnt how to help me.

 

Look, my therapist was the one who told me my ex exhibited the traits, not me. She didn't diagnose her. She told me this before we broke up. I am not seeking therapy because of the breakup. I would go once in a while for mental health. And I am not sitting in my therapist's office pining over what's wrong with my ex. I AM focusing on myself. That was why I said I realised now that SHE was the one with the problem and not me. Talking about my failed relationship is part of therapy.

 

Anyway, I think I have hijacked this thread long enough. Feel selfish.