Tres Posted February 18, 2012 Posted February 18, 2012 I have a long-distance relationship with a guy. The relationship has been for 6 months. He says that he loves me and we see each other once per month. I let him have unprotected sex with me even I was not ready yet. I told him that I was not ready but he insisted on unprotected sex. But later, I have realised that his love might be mostly just words which he uses to get what he wants. Now, when I get to know him better, I have doubts that he is serious about me and faithful to me. I also have no evidence that he is a jerk or a cheat. His behavior just feels very wrong on an emotional level somehow. But, I am not ready to break up with him yet because I have just doubts but I have no real facts. He is planning to visit me for several days. The trip is kind of expensive and it includes plane tickets and an expensive hotel's room. All he wants for the trip is to have unprotected sex with me as much as possible. He says that condom feels terrible to him. I do not want to have unprotected sex with him. If I tell him about my negative thoughts, it will ruin his visit and upset him a lot. I cannot say him that I think that he uses me just for sex and all his words about love are just a line. I would like to figure out his real feelings for me. In meanwhile, I would like to find some polite excuse/reason to limit sex with him and to stop having uprotected sex. Any suggestions on how I can do that?
Cracker Jack Posted February 18, 2012 Posted February 18, 2012 Just tell him you're not comfortable continuing on with the unprotected sex. I understand you don't want to ruin his visit or anything, but if you're going to continue dating this guy, you have to be upfront about how you feel when it comes to things like this. He shouldn't have had unprotected sex once he knew you weren't ready for it, but what's done is done. You gotta start speaking your mind now.
Emilia Posted February 18, 2012 Posted February 18, 2012 Well, why keep seeing him when it's long distance, you don't seem to like him that much and he isn't really showing you respect? Why not find someone better?
silvermercy Posted February 18, 2012 Posted February 18, 2012 (edited) Trust your gut! I'm sorry, if someone pressured me to have unprotected sex (and his excuse was that "it feels better") he'd be out of that door before he knew what hit him. Even if he was not long distance. Please tell us he at least showed you some recent and genuine STD test results!? If not, what were you thinking... For your own sake I hope that was not the case. Regardless you should be tested anyway now, and bear in mind that some diseases do not show up on results for at least 6 months or a year. One more reason not to have unprotected sex so soon and after knowing him so little. Edited February 18, 2012 by silvermercy
poodle Posted February 18, 2012 Posted February 18, 2012 Say you're on your period or that you have an infection down there. Please don't let him pressure you into doing something you don't want to do. If he truly cares about you he will respect your boundaries. Don't feel guilty about the hotel and travel expenses. You don't owe him anything.
xxoo Posted February 18, 2012 Posted February 18, 2012 In meanwhile, I would like to find some polite excuse/reason to limit sex with him and to stop having uprotected sex. Any suggestions on how I can do that? Why do YOU need to be polite? He was pushy. You can be a bit pushy, too. Simply tell him: I am not comfortable with unprotected sex at this stage in the relationship. Tell him now, before he buys the tickets. If he decides to make the trip with that knowledge, and pushes when he gets there, stand your ground! Have condoms available. Offer sexual activities that don't require a condom (hands are safe). But do NOT have unprotected sex with him.
veggirl Posted February 18, 2012 Posted February 18, 2012 I told him that I was not ready but he insisted on unprotected sex. :eek: This alone is reason to dump him. I'd tell you to dump him, but if you refuse him sex I bet he dumps you. THANKFULLY. Why would you be with someone who coerces you into sex? Ugh.
Cypress25 Posted February 18, 2012 Posted February 18, 2012 You don't need to be polite or make up an excuse. All you have to do is say "I will not have unprotected sex under any circumstances. No condom, no sex." He can't force you to have unprotected sex, unless he does something illegal. Any guy who refuses to wear a condom doesn't really care about you. He's willing to risk your health and safety for the sake of his own pleasure.
Ninjainpajamas Posted February 18, 2012 Posted February 18, 2012 You trying to appease this guy (which is ridiculous) is not going to make him develop anymore feelings for you by you just letting him do what he wants. For some reason a lot of women think that IF they do whatever it is to make the guy happy that this will somehow convince him that you're somehow perfect for him and he'll want to be with you. When in actuality It just leaves you vulnerable to being used by men who are just after sex but promise you more because they realize that you would want more than just a sexual relationship. You need to trust your gut instinct, it's obviously telling you something isn't right...why are you questioning that you feel this way? your lucky to have an intuition instead of just blindly trying to put "facts" together...when there are a lot of other "facts" you aren't using...what you should be using above all else is your intuition telling you this guy is full of ****...which to me sounds like he is! That's why he gets angry and upset when he doesn't get to have his way with you...he doesn't want to have to waste time and energy convincing you or putting in work to gain your trust and all of that..he just wants to get it in and feel like he's been a Don Juan smooth operator by appeasing you with a trip and an expensive hotel. He's essentially trading you these luxuries for your vagina. There's not going to be an easy way to tell him and the fact you're scared is because you know he isn't going to find that acceptable and not want to see you...and yet this is the kind of guy you want to be with you. Respect yourself and tell him you don't want to have unprotected sex and mean it, and stand by it. It doesn't matter what he says or thinks, the fact is he's probably screwing other women on the side and you could be saving yourself from an STD from Mr. Wannabe sugar daddy player who appeases the ladies but isn't there on any emotional level...I swear, I'm not sure who to be more upset at somedays, these idiotic men or the women that have every reason not to trust them yet still continue on like if things will magically change or someday it'll be enough he'll become mr right suddenly. 4
Mme. Chaucer Posted February 18, 2012 Posted February 18, 2012 You really need to NEVER, NEVER succumb to pressure from ANY guy to have unprotected sex. The potential consequences could not possibly be worth it. And the guy sounds like a jerk. 2
Mme. Chaucer Posted February 18, 2012 Posted February 18, 2012 On further thought, I think you should tell him NOW that you feel that you got sexual with him before you were ready, and you don't want to carry on having sex with him until you feel more comfortable. Say it like you mean it, so he doesn't think he can "talk you into it" in person. If he really loves you, he will come on his visit and spend all the money. If it's mostly a costly booty call, he'll probably cancel. Which would be hurtful, but at least you will know where he's coming from.
Feelin Frisky Posted February 18, 2012 Posted February 18, 2012 You're going to have to say that you need to have a serious talk. And when you have that talk, don't make it a "talk", make it a statement of how it is with you and what he has to like or lump. You don't have to be so flawless in your delivery--you have concerns and it's you live and your body. It's better to be forcefully clear than to appear a push-over who doesn't want to offend. Personally I don't feel that sex is so limited to one thing that wearing a condom during it subtracts, but that's just me. If cumming inside you is the all-important high-point of sex for him, then you have every right to dicktate terms. Don't let him bully you or be a weasel about it. "Making love" is a theater of sharing in a lot of ways and not just hump and dump on his terms.
Mme. Chaucer Posted February 18, 2012 Posted February 18, 2012 You're going to have to say that you need to have a serious talk. And when you have that talk, don't make it a "talk", make it a statement of how it is with you and what he has to like or lump. You don't have to be so flawless in your delivery--you have concerns and it's you live and your body. It's better to be forcefully clear than to appear a push-over who doesn't want to offend. Personally I don't feel that sex is so limited to one thing that wearing a condom during it subtracts, but that's just me. If cumming inside you is the all-important high-point of sex for him, then you have every right to dicktate terms. Don't let him bully you or be a weasel about it. "Making love" is a theater of sharing in a lot of ways and not just hump and dump on his terms. Hahahahah! 1
Author Tres Posted February 18, 2012 Author Posted February 18, 2012 Trust your gut! I'm sorry, if someone pressured me to have unprotected sex (and his excuse was that "it feels better") he'd be out of that door before he knew what hit him. Even if he was not long distance. Please tell us he at least showed you some recent and genuine STD test results!? If not, what were you thinking... For your own sake I hope that was not the case. Regardless you should be tested anyway now, and bear in mind that some diseases do not show up on results for at least 6 months or a year. One more reason not to have unprotected sex so soon and after knowing him so little. He had a HIV test done. When I told him that there could be other STDs, he got so angry. He even told me that he wants his test's money back.
Professor X Posted February 18, 2012 Posted February 18, 2012 He had a HIV test done. When I told him that there could be other STDs, he got so angry. He even told me that he wants his test's money back. Lol, sorry, but this made me laugh. And you are still with the guy ??? 1
Mme. Chaucer Posted February 18, 2012 Posted February 18, 2012 He had a HIV test done. When I told him that there could be other STDs, he got so angry. He even told me that he wants his test's money back. Okay … well, if you think this kind of behavior has any place in a "loving" relationship, I feel bad for you. He's an ass. Lose him.
johan Posted February 18, 2012 Posted February 18, 2012 This is one of those threads where the original post IS the solution to the problem. If the guy were to just read that, he would understand where you're coming from. It's pretty much exactly what you need to tell him.
kaylan Posted February 18, 2012 Posted February 18, 2012 This guy is a frickin jerk. Dont do stuff just to appease him. If he cant respect your wishes than he can sod off imo. Dump this fool as he obviously doesnt take your sexual health seriously. Get tested as well. With the way he freaked out about the STD test stuff I think you need to be careful. He sounds shady.
silvermercy Posted February 18, 2012 Posted February 18, 2012 He had a HIV test done. When I told him that there could be other STDs, he got so angry. He even told me that he wants his test's money back. This made me laugh, too. I'm so sorry... Just read around the web: Every time this line is uttered (the "very angry" part), it is an almost 100% sign he has STDs. Just look it up. In the meantime, get tested for the FULL panel of STDs and repeat it after a few months, too. Oh and lose the loser, too. (Seriously, how old are you? No offense. Because you seem either unreal as a poster or very young and/or naive. )
Author Tres Posted February 18, 2012 Author Posted February 18, 2012 This made me laugh, too. I'm so sorry... Just read around the web: Every time this line is uttered (the "very angry" part), it is an almost 100% sign he has STDs. Just look it up. In the meantime, get tested for the FULL panel of STDs and repeat it after a few months, too. Oh and lose the loser, too. (Seriously, how old are you? No offense. Because you seem either unreal as a poster or very young and/or naive. ) I am not young at all. He is older than me, he is 49 y.o.
Cracker Jack Posted February 18, 2012 Posted February 18, 2012 Are you actually enjoying this relationship? It certainly doesn't sound like it to me. What does he do that makes you want to stay with him?
kaylan Posted February 18, 2012 Posted February 18, 2012 I am not young at all. He is older than me, he is 49 y.o. That didnt answer the question. How old are YOU?
FitChick Posted February 18, 2012 Posted February 18, 2012 He flies in once a month for sex? Have you ever flown to him to see where he lives? He sounds married. If he isn't, if the relationship continues one of you will have to move. If he lives in a foreign country, that involves immigration which generally means marriage since work visas are very hard to obtain no matter where you live. What if you get pregnant? Would he pay for your abortion? You need to have that talk with him if you plan to have unprotected sex.
Author Tres Posted February 19, 2012 Author Posted February 19, 2012 (edited) Are you actually enjoying this relationship? It certainly doesn't sound like it to me. What does he do that makes you want to stay with him? He is passionate, emotional, talking about love, saying many complements, handsome, successful, talented, great at sex. We have many interests in common. I have visited him and he is divorced. I have stayed at his place. Edited February 19, 2012 by Tres
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