The dreadful emptiness of being alone

February 18, 2012

I would much rather be part of a couple. Sadly, even the worst day in a R is better than being single. That's how I feel. Having never experienced what living with someone is like before, now I feel it's even more impossible to go back. I have been hit with this horrible feeling that nothing has much purpose anymore. I hate cooking for myself. I hate exercising by myself. I hate everything about being single. I just feel like my only real and true passion in life is having a relationship. If I were in a good relationship, I would not care if every other part of my life fell to pieces.

I have little doubt that my ex wasn't right for me. However, pragmatically, he was the best option of what was and is available to me. Every other guy that is interested in me is dreadful and can't compare in any aspects.

I have such a hard time making connections in my life. Getting to the "comfortable" stage, like I was with my ex, is something that I never even thought was possible for me. I never had it before - I just can't see how I can ever have it again. My age feels like a ticking time-bomb and all my age related nightmares are back full force.

On the other hand, I know that my ex can do a lot better than me. In terms of looks, age etc etc. I dread the day when I hear that he is in a serious R, engaged or married.

I feel that nothing has much point anymore and I don't know how to get over this feeling

February 18, 2012

I can relate to you.I just loost a good friend and lover to an ex and it really stings.I go out and force myself to date and its hard finsing someone who you just click with,like the ex.But then I remember I was in a previous situation with another girl years ago and with time I was able to get over it,and so will you.you won't find someone who you click with right away coz you are still comparing them to the ex,so just chill and hang out with friends.and hook-up lol not to get over your ex but just to have fun.Wish you all the best

February 18, 2012

I have these flashbacks, all the time

If I go to the beach, out of nowhere I see moments..like us eating apricots on the sand and laughing. I went to my brother's place..us playing playstation games....

I shut them out immediately..I don't dwell on them. I just replay the negatives.

My brother has this huge photo album on his living room table. It's full of pictures of us that I never saw before. I picked it up randomly yesterday and right away regretted it. Brother offered to remove them, I just told him to leave it. It's all a part of my past and I don't see the point in pretending it never happened.

Two weeks and one day since I moved out. It's been NC apart from me asking him to stay friends and getting the firm NO. I forgot some of my stuff at his place but don't want to push him into meeting up. I told him to let me know when he feels he can be friends with me. He said maybe in a few months, it's way too early now.

February 18, 2012

Probably not a good idea,I did the whole 'friends' thing with a girl i had feelings for and it sucks,youre better off not being the friend and not knowing whats going on with their life.i wish i had done that a long time ago,id be in a much better place emotionally

February 18, 2012

I have days where I'm happy being alone , I can do what I want but I miss being able to go and cuddle someone and kiss them . I'm making the most of it but then I just want a man to cuddle me and have someone to fall asleep with , other than my body pillow haha .

February 18, 2012

Most if not all of us feel the sadness...emptiness and being alone after a breakup..it's normal just give it time. It's a matter or adjusting to a new life style...being single has it's advantages.

I was dumped 6 months ago and felt the same way...so lonely..wanted someone in my life..lost interest in so many things but now that alot of time has passed I'm content with being single at this time.

Eventually I'd like to meet someone...fall in love and have a serious relationship again but I'm not gonna push it...I've focused on myself..doing what I want to do..what makes ME happy and one day someone will come into my life again as will you.

Keep busy..look out for yourself now...better yourself and don't beat yourself up...you will be ok!!!

February 18, 2012

I would much rather be part of a couple. Sadly, even the worst day in a R is better than being single. That's how I feel. I hate everything about being single. I just feel like my only real and true passion in life is having a relationship. If I were in a good relationship, I would not care if every other part of my life fell to pieces.

Classic line of someone who is deeply unhappy within themselves..

Eternal Sunshine, I can identify completely with what you said. Fortunately (or unfortunately for the part of me who hates admitting when I am wrong), I have to admit with Fluorescent's comment on feeling this way as well. It does mean we are unhappy with ourselves.

I have felt that way about relationships for as long as I can remember, that I don't care if the rest of my life is crap, just knowing that someone loves me makes it all better. Now in hindsight, I realized not only have I allowed relationships to soften the blow of other things in my life not going well, I actually used the relationships to continue letting the rest of my life slide into the gutter without feeling bad about it. Lack of a social life, family problems, unemployment, getting out of shape, I actually let these things continue to get worse because I had someone who (I thought) loved me.

That's why being single feels worse than even the worst day of a relationship, because without that cushion from the outside world, there's no hiding from the rest of my problems. Can't just climb into bed with someone or cook a dinner together and ignore that the rest of my life isn't great, now it's all staring me in the face and I have no distraction.

The worst thing of all, at least in my case, I'm not sure if it will be this way for you Eternal Sunshine, is that the road to fixing this dysfunctional outlook is not easy. I feel like I have a big ugly mountain looming in front of me that I have to struggle to climb now. Fixing my life and making it enjoyable on my own is so much tougher than that easy road off to the side that would involve chasing my ex, or replacing her with someone new, that easy smooth road with flowers and sunshine and all the nice distractions from everyday life. I don't want to keep being weak, I don't want to take the low road anymore, but I'm also not thrilled at the impossible task laid out in front of me, that I have to fix my life on my own instead of being able to daydream about marrying someone and starting a family, despite being unsure of how I'll make any of it happen or how I'll afford it.

Sunshine, you summed up my feelings better than I ever could before, I love relationships in the same way you do. The rest of my life could be garbage and all I care about is if I wake up next to someone in the morning. I don't feel alive unless I'm sharing my life with someone. Going to work and dealing with all the usual BS just doesn't seem worth it if there isn't someone to come home to at the end of the day. But this is not a healthy way to be. We'll be so much better off if we stop looking for that shortcut, for that distraction, if we create fulfilling lives for ourselves and then someday find somebody worthy to share it with. I wish I could say it's going to be easy, but I don't feel that it will be. In my case, I think I'm looking at months, if not the rest of this year, to even begin to scrape my own existence back together. It's going to suck, and if I actually come across someone else that I'm interested in romantically, I may very well be tempted to use it as a shortcut again, but I know I am robbing myself of my own goals if I let that happen again. No worries for the foreseeable future, I can't imagine myself having feelings for someone, but some day it might happen.

I think we have a lot of work ahead of ourselves if we ever want to break our addiction to relationships. I wish I could offer you more, but all I can say is that I'll be struggling along with you.

Edited February 18, 2012 by Exit

February 18, 2012

Oh ES... You broke up, as far as I can tell, something like less than two weeks ago. While you're trying to turn how you feel now into a big revelation about you and how you're not cut out for life the way the rest of us are, everyone who breaks up goes through exactly what you're going through: feeling empty and lonely as they adjust to the new partner-less routine, imagining that they will never meet anyone ever again and assuming that how they feel now is permanent.

The way to get over this feeling is to accept one thing: heartbreak sucks. It hurts, it's uncomfortable, it plays into our worst fears. But there's no way out but through. Accept that today you feel lonely and allow it. It will pass anyway. Recognize that you won't always feel this way (instead of trying to convince yourself that you will). Resist the temptation to think that how you feel is how things really are (or really will be).

February 18, 2012

ES is coming out of a burnout/GIGS, this is the thought process and the feelings behind it. While we sit here and try to tell her logical things, this is purely emotional and she's starting to see the big picture that safe and comfortable are the way relationships should work. This is the "attachment" I have posted about in several other threads.

This is the chase that many people come on here and post about "My ex contacted me and wants to move back or get back together" This is where it starts.

Another point of interest is people say that there were too many problems etc etc. Problems can be fixed, GIGS/Burnout teaches us this, no problem is too big to be fixed.

Her relationship that just ended, was ended because of this "lightbulb" or revelation. Had nothing to do with that relationship at all.

February 18, 2012

ES is coming out of a burnout/GIGS,

Dark Phoenix, she is NOT. What is with your obsession about labeling all the breakups here as "GIGS"?

Well, I guess there is a tiny shred of truth to it. If a relationship is not a good one, and the people involved need to move on, I do believe there will be greener grass elsewhere for them. That would be a POSITIVE.

Yes, there ARE problems that are too big to be "fixed." If it were true that no problems are too big to be fixed, then everyone should be with the first person they seriously dated for the rest of their lives? I don't think so.

ES - I swear to you that your awful feelings are like the ones the rest of us have when we break up. You are not alone. And please don't buy into the idea you have now that only awful guys like you. You've only been single for 2 weeks.

It really is important that you work on being okay on your own during this time … after the painful stuff subsides. It will help you be able to have a healthy relationship in your future. You will attract healthy people, and be able to handle conflicts and challenges much better.

I don't really know what it was like "inside" your relationship, because you tended to post here that it was either perfect, or hellish. I did not get a feeling for the day to day life. You did dwell on negative things quite a lot. Anyway, I can't speak for your relationship, but I assure you that the worst day in a relationship really is NOT better than the best day single. I wouldn't want you to enter into your next relationship with that mindset; a sick relationship can be very self destructive and toxic.

February 18, 2012

I can relate to OP somewhat. I actually have a really good life and am so happy as long as I am busy with something eg being with friends, concentrating at work etc etc ... and she is not in my mind.

Thats why picking up a hobby and trying to learn new skills and working on self improvement is a huge deal in accelerating the healing process.

February 18, 2012

Refocusing outside oneself is an effective tool to defeat loneliness IME.

One aspect to delineate is grieving the death of the relationship/marriage/partner (the last where there is literal death) from true loneliness. IME, when grieving is complete (thoughts and feelings regarding the LTR/M are neutral), then what remains is the natural and intrinsic emotional setpoint.

For myself, it took between one and two years to reach that setpoint, much of it chronicled here on LS. If I felt lonely now, I'd say so. I don't. Each persons experience is unique. Right now, this minute, I'm connecting with those people in a small church in Newark, NJ saying goodbye to someone they loved and sharing their grief. We're never truly alone.

Good luck.

February 18, 2012

I will never be truly happy being alone. I am meant to find a great man to marry and I am meant to be a mother. I won't be happy until I am there. And then, I will find something else to complain about

I don't feel my strong desire to settle down is a reflection of any unhappiness within myself. Some people prefer to coexist close to another, while others prefer to be single. It's the behaviors displayed within relationships that indicate deeper personal issues (e.g. someone staying in an abusive situation).

I think the only thing that I disagree with the OP about is staying with someone because they are the best option. I have lived with three boyfriends (all 2+ year relationships) and I am glad that the relationships ran their course and ended. I am happy that I am not still with any of them. Sometimes it takes me a LONG time to get there though; in fact, it usually takes me finding someone new that restores my hope and all those good feelings. It's easy to look back when you've convinced yourself there is nothing to look forward to.

So, naturally I am thinking about the last guy I dated. I'm missing everything about him because it is all so fresh in my mind. But, I know one day once I find someone truly sweet and compatible with me, and I feel the pieces of my life come together. I will look back and say "wow, I'm glad I didn't end up with that guy I cried so much about!".

As much as I get depressed and whine, I'd rather spend a thousand nights sleeping alone, if it means I get to wake up on day 1,001 and meet my future husband. And, I will meet him.

You'll get there ES, just give yourself some time.

February 18, 2012

I have days where I'm happy being alone , I can do what I want but I miss being able to go and cuddle someone and kiss them . I'm making the most of it but then I just want a man to cuddle me and have someone to fall asleep with , other than my body pillow haha .

I have a rather large rag doll, about 18 inches tall. That doll has provided soooo much comfort for me. I hug her at night, throughout the night. She really, really, really makes me feel better when I go to bed.

February 18, 2012

I have a rather large rag doll, about 18 inches tall. That doll has provided soooo much comfort for me. I hug her at night, throughout the night. She really, really, really makes me feel better when I go to bed.

I was actually thinking about getting a body pillow today.

February 18, 2012

Agree with Fluorescent in that when you come out of a relationship, you are forced to get to know yourself again and that's not the company you want:( It's normal to feel that way and understandably you may take the negative outlook. How can you imagine someone better than your ex when you haven't seen it yet?? I think it is important to work on your emotional self so that you are optimistic and open when the right person comes along. Would you be attracted to a guy who has low-confidence or just afraid to be alone? You want to bring your best self to your future relationship, whomever it may be.

Take your time and express these feelings you have, breaking up is a traumatic experience! You will not feel better overnight but you will in time. Your feelings are very normal.

February 19, 2012

ES, I think the stage you're going through is normal. You've just left a rather long live-in relationship, and there must surely be a period of grieving. It's sucky, but as cliche as it sounds, time really does heal. Give yourself time, friends, and lots of pampering. Good luck.

February 19, 2012

Thanks everyone. I really appreciate your kind words and well thought out advice.

I ordered the book "Go and suck on a lemon". It looks like something I need. I have to get a handle on my emotions and not just follow them blindly back and forth.

I didn't take any time off work - I feel I need to be busy. I let my boss know that I am going through a break up and that I have moved and changed my address. I did end up making a fairly major mistake at work this week. He called me into his office and basically told me not to feel bad, that he is human and understands that I am going through a hard time. He didn't beat me up over the mistake. He just told me that I needed some stability in my life after the rough last year, not to feel pressured to be productive at this time, that he is happy for me to just come in and stare in the space half of the time if I need to. I am grateful that he gave me a break.

As for GIGS - nope not the case at all. I always knew that I hate single life and never had any illusions that it's going to be better. I just wish that my ex didn't hate me as much as he does

I have decided to take a month long trip to Europe mid-year. I planned to go with my ex (we already bought the tickets). They are non-refundable but I am able to change dates and destinations. I am going to go alone

February 19, 2012

I am meant to find a great man to marry and I am meant to be a mother.
I know one day once I find someone truly sweet and compatible with me, and I feel the pieces of my life come together.
I'd rather spend a thousand nights sleeping alone, if it means I get to wake up on day 1,001 and meet my future husband.
You'll get there ES, just give yourself some time.

How old are you ScienceGal?

You sound like you have all the time in the world.

ES is probably especially upset because she is 33 years old and she also wants to be a mother.

I think anyone would be pretty daunted after breaking up with whom you thought was your future husband and finally getting it together.

I'm sorry this relationship didn't work out ES. It was a really good shot though.

Who knows, maybe with time apart you both reconsider it and get together still.

Or maybe you'll end up meeting the love of your life right in the nick of time like some people have, like Touche or TBF.

February 19, 2012

How old are you ScienceGal?

You sound like you have all the time in the world.

I am 30 years old.

February 19, 2012

Ariadne,

I think that I could be just as happy being a mother to someone else's kids or adopting a kid.

I want to fall in love and and find someone to share my life with more than I want to be a mother. Luckily, there is no age limit on love

February 19, 2012

So sorry things didn't work out with your ex, ES, just wanted to wish you all the best...and it's wonderful you're going to take that trip around Europe, good for you-Enjoy!

February 19, 2012

I am 30 years old.

I will be 30 in two years , and I want to be a mother too , and being a woman there is a time limit for us to have children in a safer way .

I loved being single and having fun and no cares in the world before I met my ex , but now I want to settle down and be a boring married couples lol .

I really hope you meet him soon , because you sound fantastic .

And yes , get a body pillow !

February 19, 2012

I have a rather large rag doll, about 18 inches tall. That doll has provided soooo much comfort for me. I hug her at night, throughout the night. She really, really, really makes me feel better when I go to bed.

That is cute , when everything was so fresh I slept with stuffed toys around me , it really helped . Might get them out again tonight

February 19, 2012

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