Dirtyeggroll Posted February 18, 2012 Posted February 18, 2012 So today I went to the doctor because I noticed something "down there". The doctor didn't give me a solid answer he said it could be 1 of 3 things one of those things being a STD. The STD if i have it is HPV on of the most curable and manageable ones to have. So i did what I thought was the responsible and right thing to do and alert my gf ASAP as we had unprotected sex last weekend. Lets just say that it couldn't have gone any worse. She immediately went into shock and wouldnt even look at me and didn't want to talk and wanted to leave. I told her that I don't know when i contracted it if I did for sure. ( I'm getting a second opinion tomorrow). the last time i had sex with another girl was 2 months ago before we started dating. She says she doesn't even know how she feels about the whole thing and how she feels about me. The only reason we had sex last weekend was because I didn't know I had this. I just discovered these bumps today. She said " I just need time to let this all settle in. I don't know what to do, what to say, or what to think." She is still in shock but I don't want to lose this girl over something like this that really isn't my fault. She is still in shock and doesn't know what to think. We have been doing amazing lately especially after v day and have gotten super close but now I really feel alone especially since she is practically pushing me away. I told her to just think of everything we have been through and how great these past couple weeks have been. I care about her sooooo much and I thought people who care about each other stick by each others side for support and I hoped to get through this together with her but she is pretty much bailing as of now as she is scared. Would it be fair of her to just drop everything were doing and just leave me over something like this that I can't control? Idk what to do or say to her. I have tried everything its just no use since she is in shock. I don't want to lose this girl over something like this. It makes me so sad cuz I feel like **** already for having something like this and then possibly giving it to her and now I am getting pushed away. I could really use some advice on what to do. thanks:(
Ninjainpajamas Posted February 18, 2012 Posted February 18, 2012 Well first of all you need to man up and accept responsibility for this and not just sweep it under the rug and play the "victim"...own up to it, realize that you could have been smart and used a condom and prevented this from happening but even so you made choices that lead you to getting whatever it is you have...this is how it works, nobody tells you they have an STD or even know it, yet everyone throws their hands up in the air like If they didn't have anything to do with it. You roll the dice, you pay the price...It's game of chance, and when you lose you should have known the odds going in. Now that I've explained that (because I do think It's very important you understand that and don't treat it like some outside thing you caught from a dirty person) then now It's time to give your gf the time and space she needs. You shouldn't be sticking your head in trying to convince her, change her mind or make a hundred excuses (man tip of the century: don't make excuses for things, own it)...then just let her deal with it and process it. Let her come to you on her own free will, give her the space she requests. For you, find out what this is, get a second opinion, educate yourself online and through your doctor and figure out the best form of treatment and what it is EXACTLY that you have. Find out the risks of spreading it, and understand what you're dealing with here. This will make you better prepared to answer the questions or concerns from this girl or any girl in the future. Bottom line: Take care of business, do everything you can to educate yourself and prevent further damage from spreading this. And also have this girl take a test herself for STD's to make sure she hasn't contracted it (find out how long it takes for symptons or results to show up on a test)
TigerCub Posted February 18, 2012 Posted February 18, 2012 Are me missing a step here? - what if SHE gave it to YOU? Getting news that your partner has an STD is hard to deal with (even if it is curable) - there is a really big ick factor, and there are definitely fears of contracting it. However, maybe she's afraid that she gave you something and wondering how things would REALLY be if that were the case. Either way, use condoms from now on!!
kaylan Posted February 18, 2012 Posted February 18, 2012 (edited) Let me preface my response by linking you here: STD Facts - HPV and Men Just so people can get a little info on HPV in men. So today I went to the doctor because I noticed something "down there". The doctor didn't give me a solid answer he said it could be 1 of 3 things one of those things being a STD. The STD if i have it is HPV on of the most curable and manageable ones to have. So i did what I thought was the responsible and right thing to do and alert my gf ASAP as we had unprotected sex last weekend. Lets just say that it couldn't have gone any worse. She immediately went into shock and wouldnt even look at me and didn't want to talk and wanted to leave. I told her that I don't know when i contracted it if I did for sure. ( I'm getting a second opinion tomorrow). the last time i had sex with another girl was 2 months ago before we started dating. She says she doesn't even know how she feels about the whole thing and how she feels about me. The only reason we had sex last weekend was because I didn't know I had this. I just discovered these bumps today. This is why people should get tested in between partners. You can avoid messy situations like this and prevent spreading anything. She said " I just need time to let this all settle in. I don't know what to do, what to say, or what to think." She is still in shock but I don't want to lose this girl over something like this that really isn't my fault. She is still in shock and doesn't know what to think. We have been doing amazing lately especially after v day and have gotten super close but now I really feel alone especially since she is practically pushing me away. And your girlfriend is right to be upset...HPV is much more dangerous to women since certain types can cause cervical cancer. Most of the times HPV doesnt even show symptoms in men and is harmless. But there are strains, such as yours, which cause bumps and warts. Either way its still not as dangerous as the cancer risk women face. HPV generally cant be diagnosed in men without physical symptoms usually. Just wait and see what the doctor says, and if you get cleared as not having an STD, make sure you have some documentation to show her so she calms down. If you do in fact have HPV, then shes will within her right to bail if it bothers her that much. Most healthy people will avoid STDs at all costs if they know someone has them. Maybe she will wait for you to clear up and for the virus to be killed by your immune system. But this takes a year or two, and doctors are still not 100 percent certain that the virus is completely eliminated or if symptoms will show again. But maybe shell leave you and not wait around. Either way, thats her decision and you cant fault her for it. I told her to just think of everything we have been through and how great these past couple weeks have been. I care about her sooooo much and I thought people who care about each other stick by each others side for support and I hoped to get through this together with her but she is pretty much bailing as of now as she is scared. Would it be fair of her to just drop everything were doing and just leave me over something like this that I can't control? Idk what to do or say to her. I have tried everything its just no use since she is in shock. I don't want to lose this girl over something like this. It makes me so sad cuz I feel like **** already for having something like this and then possibly giving it to her and now I am getting pushed away. I could really use some advice on what to do. thanks:(Can you blame her if she bails? You havent been dating her that long and god forbid she contracts something for life and you guys not even end up together. Itd be different if you guys had been dating longer, but she has to look at things realistically and consider her options. HPV is much different for women. EDIT: P.S. - I couldnt help but notice how fitting your user name is to you now. Sorry =/ lol Edited February 18, 2012 by kaylan
phineas Posted February 18, 2012 Posted February 18, 2012 Should probably wait until the test results come back.
kiss_andmakeup Posted February 18, 2012 Posted February 18, 2012 There is no HPV test for men, and it's so extremely common and contagious that most (around 80%) will contract it some point (they just don't know it). The only way it can be diagnosed in men is with the manifestation of physical symptoms such as a wart, which only happens in certain strains. Does your GF go to the gynecologist regularly? If she's getting a regular pap smear (once a year), the HPV would have likely shown up on her test if she's had it for a while. However, sometimes HPV is dormant for years before it shows up on pap tests. So for all she knows, she could have given it to you. wait until the test results come back. If it's in fact HPV, her reaction is completely unwarranted. It's so stealthy, contagious, and difficult to detect that it's damn near impossible to know who gave it to whom (unless you've been together for 10 years and it's just now cropping up...but I get the impression that's not the case). I'll put my personal story on the line for the sake of your sanity. I had HPV. I could have gotten it from my ex, or even my ex before him...there's really no way to know. I've always done everything right sexually: I get a gyno exam and STD test every year, I used condoms until my relationships were trustworthy and exclusive, I limited my partners, and I even got Guardasil, the HPV vaccine. And I STILL got it. Luckily I had a doctor who educated me thoroughly on the disease and therefre I didn't get mad at my boyfriend at the time, even though there's a high possibilit he could have given it to me. How could he have known? There's no test for the disease, and he had never had physical symptoms. I had to have a LEEP and several follow up visits with my gyno, but it eventually cleared. To even FURTHER indicate how not end-of-the-world this "STD" is, my current BF is an infectious disease physician. When it comes to STD's he's very knowledgeable, and rightfully, a bit paranoid. Before the first time we were sexually intimate I had a discussion with him and told him that I had HPV. I was positive he was going to break up with me, being in the career he is, but his reaction was no different than if I had told him I had once had the flu. "Almost everyone gets it. Especially in your age group it's extremely common. I appreciate you telling me, but it's really no big deal!" And then we had sex. And more, and more... Anyways, this post ended up a lot longer than I had intended, but all I wanted to accomplish is to illustrate how common this disease is and that, if you are otherwise responsible with your sexual health, you should feel NO SHAME about this. You can even show your girlfriend this post if you like.
kaylan Posted February 18, 2012 Posted February 18, 2012 ^You said you do everything right... Do you get tested between partners and ask for their stats as well? And also, your situation is different. Its one thing for a chick to give it to a dude. But its entirely different for a dude to give it to a chick. Women are at much greater risk with HPV...you should know this. Dont minimize this fact.
Mme. Chaucer Posted February 18, 2012 Posted February 18, 2012 Don't mean to rub salt in the wound, honestly - but what were you thinking having unprotected sex with a very new partner in the first place? Not very wise.
fortyninethousand322 Posted February 18, 2012 Posted February 18, 2012 Don't mean to rub salt in the wound, honestly - but what were you thinking having unprotected sex with a very new partner in the first place? Not very wise. You mean both of them right? Because it takes two to tango.
kaylan Posted February 18, 2012 Posted February 18, 2012 (edited) Don't mean to rub salt in the wound, honestly - but what were you thinking having unprotected sex with a very new partner in the first place? Not very wise. Sometimes you trust someone and just see yourself being with them for a while. Or sometimes you get caught in the moment. What I really wish OP would have done is get tested between partners. Thats what I do, so I can stay clean and not spread anything around if I ever did get something. OP, do make sure you do this from now on. Either way, the reality is most people will avoid an STD if they can. Myself included. Unless it was something that cleared up with a round of antibiotics, I likely wouldnt continue seeing a gal with an STD. You mean both of them right? Because it takes two to tango. Last I checked his girlfriend isnt posting in this thread. But yes, it takes 2 to tango, but this thread is for addressing the OP. No one is absolving his gf of responsibility in having unprotected sex. Edited February 18, 2012 by kaylan
kiss_andmakeup Posted February 18, 2012 Posted February 18, 2012 (edited) ^You said you do everything right... Do you get tested between partners and ask for their stats as well? And also, your situation is different. Its one thing for a chick to give it to a dude. But its entirely different for a dude to give it to a chick. Women are at much greater risk with HPV...you should know this. Dont minimize this fact. Of course I get tested in between partners. For me, once a year has been MORE than in between partners, because the only people I've had sex with in the last 5 years have been long term relationships. When the irregular cells indicative of HPV finally showed up on my pap (although I had had no new partners since my last NORMAL pap just a year before), she told me the disease could have been dormant in my system for a year or more without showing up on my previous paps. I'm not minimizing the seriousness of the disease to her health, I'm minimizing that HE is necessarily to blame. They both should have been smart enough to use condoms in a >2 month old relationship, and there is virtually no way he could have known about having the disease prior to having the symptoms. Should she be anxious, upset, and worried about her cervical health? Absolutely, as was I when I first found out. But should she be blaming him when she willingly participated in unprotected sex, contracted a disease that there is no known test for, and that she could have even had for up to a YEAR without knowing it? Absolutely not. Edited February 18, 2012 by kiss_andmakeup
fortyninethousand322 Posted February 18, 2012 Posted February 18, 2012 Last I checked his girlfriend isnt posting in this thread. But yes, it takes 2 to tango, but this thread is for addressing the OP. No one is absolving his gf of responsibility in having unprotected sex. Well I just wanted to make sure people weren't putting all the blame on the man like usual.
kiss_andmakeup Posted February 18, 2012 Posted February 18, 2012 OTOH, OP, if this turns out to be herpes or one of the other STD's and your spreading it to your GF is a result of your failure to get tested after your last partner, this is an entirely different situation. And in that case, I would dump your ass, too (although I wouldn't have had unprotected sex with you in the first place).
kaylan Posted February 18, 2012 Posted February 18, 2012 Of course I get tested in between partners. For me, once a year has been MORE than in between partners, because the only people I've had sex with in the last 5 years have been long term relationships. When the irregular cells indicative of HPV finally showed up on my pap (although I had had no new partners since my last NORMAL pap just a year before), she told me the disease could have been dormant in my system for a year or more without showing up on my previous paps. HPV is sneaky huh? Looks like Im not having any more sex for life =P Last thing I want is warts lol I'm not minimizing the seriousness of the disease to her health, I'm minimizing that HE is necessarily to blame. They both should have been smart enough to use condoms in a >2 month old relationship, and there is virtually no way he could have known about having the disease prior to having the symptoms. Should she be anxious, upset, and worried about her cervical health? Absolutely, as was I when I first found out. But should she be blaming him when she willingly participated in unprotected sex, contracted a disease that there is no known test for, and that she could have even had for up to a YEAR without knowing it? Absolutely not.I wouldnt minimize his blame so much. Having two unprotected partners so close together isnt the best decision. But it is what it is and you deal with cards you draw from the deck. Such is life. If I was him I wouldnt of jumped into unprotected sex with someone new so quickly after just having done the same with someone else. All this without any testing as well. So he could have prevented this with the use of condoms. Obviously she has to take responsibility for having unprotected sex, but Im sure she didnt think he was doing right before they got together. All in all, its not uncommon for a couple to have unprotected sex once they become exclusive and have some level of trust. But she did mess up by not staying on top of her partners status and asking questions. Im sure if she knew he was unprotected with someone prior to them shacking up, they would have waited to proceed with their physical relationship. Shame people dont think about these things before getting with a new partner. Also, sure we dont know for absolute certain that she didnt give it to him...but based on her reaction, that seems unlikely. Either way this is an important lesson to both of them about STDs. Its always better to be over cautious, than not at all.
kaylan Posted February 18, 2012 Posted February 18, 2012 OTOH, OP, if this turns out to be herpes or one of the other STD's and your spreading it to your GF is a result of your failure to get tested after your last partner, this is an entirely different situation. And in that case, I would dump your ass, too (although I wouldn't have had unprotected sex with you in the first place). Ouch...the tone is a stark contrast to your previous posts in this thread lol But you just sparked a question in my mind for OP. OP, do you mind sharing what those other possibilities are that your doctor may think is going on with you?
kiss_andmakeup Posted February 18, 2012 Posted February 18, 2012 Ouch...the tone is a stark contrast to your previous posts in this thread lol But you just sparked a question in my mind for OP. OP, do you mind sharing what those other possibilities are that your doctor may think is going on with you? That's because herpes and other STD's are able to be detected by tests, so he could have saved her the stress and health issues by simply getting tested. However, with HPV, he could have gotten the full battery of STD tests...cultures and blood draw...and STILL have had no idea he had HPV. Hence the contrast in my tone and opinion.
kiss_andmakeup Posted February 18, 2012 Posted February 18, 2012 HPV is sneaky huh? Looks like Im not having any more sex for life =P Last thing I want is warts lol Most strains don't cause warts, if it makes you feel any better. I've never had any, and neither have my ex or my current BF, both of whom I've had unprotected sex with. If you are between 18 a 25 and have had more than a couple of partners, there is around a 50% chance you've had it already and just didn't know.
xpaperxcutx Posted February 18, 2012 Posted February 18, 2012 Two months and you guys are already going without condoms? That's reckless behaviour and the blame falls on the both of you. Don't fault your gf for being shocked, anybody would especially with an STD. If she does decide to break up with you, you can not blame her because she's the victim if she does contract something.
Author Dirtyeggroll Posted February 19, 2012 Author Posted February 19, 2012 I got a second opinion today and was told its a low risk strain of HPV. Got cryo treatment which wasn't fun at all. I got tested about two months ago and everything came back clean. I feel so alone and gross right now. And the girl i like is just pushing me away and I feel even more alone. Its just such a terrible situation. We have gotten so close and our relationship has been amazing and now this. Its awful. I just hope that once the initial shock and anger settles down she can realize that it wasn't entirely my fault and its something I can't exactly control. (Even with a condom you can get what I have). Anyways such a ****ty day and its just getting worse. But just thought I would give an update.
xpaperxcutx Posted February 19, 2012 Posted February 19, 2012 I got a second opinion today and was told its a low risk strain of HPV. Got cryo treatment which wasn't fun at all. I got tested about two months ago and everything came back clean. I feel so alone and gross right now. And the girl i like is just pushing me away and I feel even more alone. Its just such a terrible situation. We have gotten so close and our relationship has been amazing and now this. Its awful. I just hope that once the initial shock and anger settles down she can realize that it wasn't entirely my fault and its something I can't exactly control. (Even with a condom you can get what I have). Anyways such a ****ty day and its just getting worse. But just thought I would give an update. I'm sorry to hear this Op, but I hope your girlfriend gets tested. Even though it is a low risk strain the liklihood of her contracting can still be high.
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