JessL Posted February 18, 2012 Posted February 18, 2012 I have been with my boyfriend for over 6 years now... we are going into our 7th year together. I am approaching my 26th birthday and he is approaching 30. We have broken up twice. Both times because I was feeling discontent with living together and not being engaged. I've always been the type of person who knows what I want. I'm super goal driven and ambitious. I like to have a plan and I like to know what's going on--I'm not big on surprises when it comes to my life. Both times the breakups were initiated by him. The first time we had been together for 3 1/2 years (living together for 2 1/2 years at that point) and I had fallen into a depression after he told me he might "die before he was ready to marry me--that he just didn't know when he would be ready." I moved home with my parents for several months until he begged me back. He literally knelt down, crying, begging me to forgive him and telling me that he wanted me to be his wife. I went back. I waited for several months, but no ring came. Then, he wanted me to buy a house with him. I told him absolutely not. He ended up buying the house we now live in on his own since I refused to sign anything without at least a ring. The end of last summer though, we broke up again. Spring of 2011 I had really started to feel anxiety about us not being engaged. I am getting older and also continuing my education (Ph.D)which makes my pool of men that much smaller as time goes by. So, I sat him down and had a talk with him yet again about how much it means to me that we get engaged. He was very receptive and told me it was coming VERY soon and he knew EXACTLY when he would be doing it. So... ok. I let it slide a little longer since he seemed so determined. But, as more months passed and several ideal proposal situations passed, my anxiety returned and I brought it up again... This time, however, he told me he had only told me it was coming soon because he didn't want me to leave. He said he just didn't feel like things are "perfect" enough. That was the start of some pretty constant bickering between us. Finally, he asked me to leave. Him asking me to leave really hurt. Especially because I had helped him fix up the home and I had done most of the decorating and landscaping (but that's what you get for living with someone without being married). So I again, went back to my parent's house. This time, though, I started looking at apartments to prevent myself from wanting to go back to him. But that didn't happen fast enough... he came back yet again wanting me to move back in. Stupidly, I did. I've been back for months now... I want to stress he has been great. We haven't fought at all and have really enjoyed being together. But.... I still have that constant, nagging feeling that I just can't supress. I want to be engaged. I want to be planning a wedding. I want a MARRIAGE. I want to know that I am not giving ALL of my youth away only to be disposed of down the road. I want forever. So, what I want to do is move out.... yes, again. I don't want to break up. I just don't want to live with him. I love going to bed at night in the same bed and waking up with him, I love having breakfast and dinner together... I love him and I love spending time together. But I feel like me being here is too convenient for him. He has been talking an awful lot about wanting a child with me... but I haven't heard him talk about wanting to marry me. How can I tell him I don't want to live with him without it hurting his feelings?
tigressA Posted February 18, 2012 Posted February 18, 2012 You've been with him for 6 years. You've moved out and broken up twice over marriage. And you really think moving out but not breaking up with him will make him want to marry you? He does not want to marry you. It couldn't be more crystal-clear. Get out now before you waste any more time, if what you really want is to be in a relationship that will lead to marriage. The one you are in is not going anywhere.
TheFinalWord Posted February 18, 2012 Posted February 18, 2012 I have been with my boyfriend for over 6 years now... we are going into our 7th year together. I am approaching my 26th birthday and he is approaching 30. We have broken up twice. Both times because I was feeling discontent with living together and not being engaged. I've always been the type of person who knows what I want. I'm super goal driven and ambitious. I like to have a plan and I like to know what's going on--I'm not big on surprises when it comes to my life. Both times the breakups were initiated by him. The first time we had been together for 3 1/2 years (living together for 2 1/2 years at that point) and I had fallen into a depression after he told me he might "die before he was ready to marry me--that he just didn't know when he would be ready." I moved home with my parents for several months until he begged me back. He literally knelt down, crying, begging me to forgive him and telling me that he wanted me to be his wife. I went back. I waited for several months, but no ring came. Then, he wanted me to buy a house with him. I told him absolutely not. He ended up buying the house we now live in on his own since I refused to sign anything without at least a ring. The end of last summer though, we broke up again. Spring of 2011 I had really started to feel anxiety about us not being engaged. I am getting older and also continuing my education (Ph.D)which makes my pool of men that much smaller as time goes by. So, I sat him down and had a talk with him yet again about how much it means to me that we get engaged. He was very receptive and told me it was coming VERY soon and he knew EXACTLY when he would be doing it. So... ok. I let it slide a little longer since he seemed so determined. But, as more months passed and several ideal proposal situations passed, my anxiety returned and I brought it up again... This time, however, he told me he had only told me it was coming soon because he didn't want me to leave. He said he just didn't feel like things are "perfect" enough. That was the start of some pretty constant bickering between us. Finally, he asked me to leave. Him asking me to leave really hurt. Especially because I had helped him fix up the home and I had done most of the decorating and landscaping (but that's what you get for living with someone without being married). So I again, went back to my parent's house. This time, though, I started looking at apartments to prevent myself from wanting to go back to him. But that didn't happen fast enough... he came back yet again wanting me to move back in. Stupidly, I did. I've been back for months now... I want to stress he has been great. We haven't fought at all and have really enjoyed being together. But.... I still have that constant, nagging feeling that I just can't supress. I want to be engaged. I want to be planning a wedding. I want a MARRIAGE. I want to know that I am not giving ALL of my youth away only to be disposed of down the road. I want forever. So, what I want to do is move out.... yes, again. I don't want to break up. I just don't want to live with him. I love going to bed at night in the same bed and waking up with him, I love having breakfast and dinner together... I love him and I love spending time together. But I feel like me being here is too convenient for him. He has been talking an awful lot about wanting a child with me... but I haven't heard him talk about wanting to marry me. How can I tell him I don't want to live with him without it hurting his feelings? Have you started your PhD yet? I can tell you, it is like being married Your new husband, let's call him Piled Higher and Deeper, will command constant attention. He will be very needy and you will not feel you are getting out as much as you are putting in. PHD Comics: Marriage v. The Ph.D. Also, you will find your interests change once you start such a journey. There is probably a reason (destiny) you are not with him.
Author JessL Posted February 18, 2012 Author Posted February 18, 2012 You've been with him for 6 years. You've moved out and broken up twice over marriage. And you really think moving out but not breaking up with him will make him want to marry you? He does not want to marry you. It couldn't be more crystal-clear. Get out now before you waste any more time, if what you really want is to be in a relationship that will lead to marriage. The one you are in is not going anywhere. I'm not moving out as an ultimatum. I am moving out to make myself feel less anxious. I don't necessarily want to end my relationship with him. I also feel that if I am not living with him, I will have more opportunities to focus on myself and possibly meeting someone else (not saying I would ever cheat, but it might help if I feel as though it is still possible for me to have interest in someone else). Sounds terrible. I do love this man. It's much easier said then done when it comes to leaving someone you have spent many years with. If you've never been in a situation like this I don't expect you to understand how hard it is.
FitChick Posted February 18, 2012 Posted February 18, 2012 I agree. I predict the next man you have a serious relationship with will marry you. You just have to totally get this jerk out of your system first before Mr Right can come into your life. 2
Author JessL Posted February 18, 2012 Author Posted February 18, 2012 Have you started your PhD yet? I can tell you, it is like being married Your new husband, let's call him Piled Higher and Deeper, will command constant attention. He will be very needy and you will not feel you are getting out as much as you are putting in. PHD Comics: Marriage v. The Ph.D. Also, you will find your interests change once you start such a journey. There is probably a reason (destiny) you are not with him. Haha!!! I like that. Yes, I have started it. And I couldn't agree more!! I feel constant stress over that also... which is why I want to at least alleviate a little stress (anxiety over the engagement issues).
TheFinalWord Posted February 18, 2012 Posted February 18, 2012 I'm not moving out as an ultimatum. I am moving out to make myself feel less anxious. I don't necessarily want to end my relationship with him. I also feel that if I am not living with him, I will have more opportunities to focus on myself and possibly meeting someone else (not saying I would ever cheat, but it might help if I feel as though it is still possible for me to have interest in someone else). Sounds terrible. I do love this man. It's much easier said then done when it comes to leaving someone you have spent many years with. If you've never been in a situation like this I don't expect you to understand how hard it is. Whatever you do, I highly advise you resolve it before starting your PhD. Trust me you do not want to deal with emotionally draining situation while doing your doctorate. I have seen two people essentially fail their degree because of relationship problems. Also, this is a good chance for you to re-assess your life. I guarantee you won't be the same person when you finish. You will probably be glad you did not marry him! Just something to consider.
FitChick Posted February 18, 2012 Posted February 18, 2012 I couldn't edit my previous post. I agree with TigressA that you are wasting your time with this man. If he wanted to marry you, he would have. I think you are just afraid to start dating again. Afraid to be alone. But keep this guy and you will wind up alone and much older at that.
Author JessL Posted February 18, 2012 Author Posted February 18, 2012 Odd how someone who is going for an advanced degree has never heard of paragraphs. He isn't going to marry you. I wouldn't marry you. You're not mature enough to understand that problems don't go away because you get married. 'I don't want to live with him' You both dodged a bullet by not getting married. Move on in life. Really, Yukon? Critiquing someone based on some misspellings in an online forum? I apologize that I didn't use MLA or APA format for your liking! Lol. What's YOUR advanced degree in... may I ask? Rude.
Author JessL Posted February 18, 2012 Author Posted February 18, 2012 Whatever you do, I highly advise you resolve it before starting your PhD. Trust me you do not want to deal with emotionally draining situation while doing your doctorate. I have seen two people essentially fail their degree because of relationship problems. Also, this is a good chance for you to re-assess your life. I guarantee you won't be the same person when you finish. You will probably be glad you did not marry him! Just something to consider. Agreed. I've already started and it has been rough. Very rough. But I've been managing well nonetheless. But you make a valid point and I absolutely don't want it to get to the point where I could potentially be dropped from a program I worked so hard to get into... And yes, as someone said... I AM scared! I know what's out there and it scares to death.
TheFinalWord Posted February 18, 2012 Posted February 18, 2012 Agreed. I've already started and it has been rough. Very rough. But I've been managing well nonetheless. But you make a valid point and I absolutely don't want it to get to the point where I could potentially be dropped from a program I worked so hard to get into... And yes, as someone said... I AM scared! I know what's out there and it scares to death. Not sure where you are in your program but it gets more demanding the second year b/c you are expected to start publishing and teaching. The last thing you want to deal with is relationship drama. I'm sure you already know that, but sometimes it helps to hear it from a fellow grad student. Really, Yukon? Critiquing someone based on some misspellings in an online forum? I apologize that I didn't use MLA or APA format for your liking! Lol. What's YOUR advanced degree in... may I ask? Rude. A lot of people can be rude on this forum So don't take it personally. If you're like me I write approx. 50-100 pages a week (hence I'm on a dating forum at midnight). Online is a chance to not be patrolled by the grammar and spelling nazis we call peer reviewers. It's a mini-vaca for me. I couldn't edit my previous post. I agree with TigressA that you are wasting your time with this man. If he wanted to marry you, he would have. I think you are just afraid to start dating again. Afraid to be alone. But keep this guy and you will wind up alone and much older at that. I agree As a fellow grad student, I would recommend to end it with him and just date for fun during your PhD. This is a phase in your life to be a bit selfish. The only exception is if you find someone who is highly compatible and flexible....like a light shines down from heaven. After you finish the PhD you never know where you will have to move. I have found that to be a deal breaker for many women. I know this has been the case for many of my female colleagues as well. I have had one break up during my PhD and one girl that lead me on. Both wasted so much of my time! Best of luck to you! I know this is all happening for a reason. Trust your gut 1
Author JessL Posted February 18, 2012 Author Posted February 18, 2012 Not sure where you are in your program but it gets more demanding the second year b/c you are expected to start publishing and teaching. The last thing you want to deal with is relationship drama. I'm sure you already know that, but sometimes it helps to hear it from a fellow grad student. A lot of people can be rude on this forum So don't take it personally. If you're like me I write approx. 50-100 pages a week (hence I'm on a dating forum at midnight). Online is a chance to not be patrolled by the grammar and spelling nazis we call peer reviewers. It's a mini-vaca for me. I agree As a fellow grad student, I would recommend to end it with him and just date for fun during your PhD. This is a phase in your life to be a bit selfish. The only exception is if you find someone who is highly compatible and flexible....like a light shines down from heaven. After you finish the PhD you never know where you will have to move. I have found that to be a deal breaker for many women. I know this has been the case for many of my female colleagues as well. I have had one break up during my PhD and one girl that lead me on. Both wasted so much of my time! Best of luck to you! I know this is all happening for a reason. Trust your gut Thank you so much. I appreciate your kindness greatly. I'm only in the first year. Really nervous for what is yet to come!!! I am not going to take your advice lightly.
ascendotum Posted February 18, 2012 Posted February 18, 2012 Given the history of your relationship as you outlined here, I tend to doubt that he will marry you in the near future. Its still possible though as I know of a few couples that have married after being together for years. As regards.."I am not giving ALL of my youth away only to be disposed of down the road." What have you given up apart from the day you walk down the aisle (or into registry office) for your wedding. You have spent the last 6 yrs in relationship with a great guy, got to enjoy the usual things most couples do I assume like hot sex, snuggling up in bed, dinner parties, romantic or adventure vacations away, music festivals, theatre nights, nights out with shared friends, going to the markets, etc. Him talking about having children with you, I would have thought is a good thing, of course its not marriage but you would be a defacto couple, and entitled to a share of any acquired assets over the years. (though depends on the legal jurisdiction you live in). Even if you are married, it still does not fireproof you from a break-up down the road. The first time you split up over this you were only 22/23 and still studying. Now though at 25/26 I agree that if marriage is a big deal for you, then you are correct your pool of available men is shrinking and you need to move on and find a compatible guy who wants marriage. I personally don’t think you have to worry about hurting his feelings, given that he has hurt your feelings over having misled you about having you as his wife (in the short term anyway). He broke up with you twice, so why worry about initiating it this time yourself. He knows well enough he is not doing what is necessary to keep you.
turt Posted February 18, 2012 Posted February 18, 2012 Why do you want to get married so badly? If he is willing to buy a house with you and have a child, I doubt he's going anywhere. Marriage doesn't mean you're going to stay together forever. Instead of just a breakup, you'll end up loosing everything to lawyers (if you go that route). Do you want to get divorced while working on your PhD? 1
TheFinalWord Posted February 18, 2012 Posted February 18, 2012 (edited) Thank you so much. I appreciate your kindness greatly. I'm only in the first year. Really nervous for what is yet to come!!! I am not going to take your advice lightly. You are most welcome! Don't worry, you can do it! Edited February 18, 2012 by TheFinalWord
Ninjainpajamas Posted February 18, 2012 Posted February 18, 2012 Eventually Jess you have to suck up some pride and self-respect and make the best decision for yourself. I've been in a long-term relationship with someone who is now a doctor and also dated several people pursuing their PH.D...It's a very stressful and overwhelming experience where you're going to be drained pretty badly, you're not going to have the time and luxury to deal with a lot of emotional and relationship issues, you're just going to have to keep on drudging through the mud. But the main thing is this guy really doesn't sound like he wants to marry you, you're convenient and comfortable for him and he doesn't want to live in an empty home. You're obviously not good enough for what he is looking for...that is what he means by not "perfect" enough. He's already wasted plenty of your time, and sadly you don't seem to mind what's more important for yourself since you just keep going back and forth. Do you really think tears or apologies make a man want to marry you? He's "trying" to love you that way...but the bottom line is he doesn't and never will....you're going to either end up broken hearted once again, or he'll force himself to marry you and end up cheating on you down the line or just generally being unhappy. You may love this guy, but love yourself more because at the end of the day he's not going to be there for you...no matter how many times you go back, or how many times he apologizes or makes empty promises...open your eyes to his actions...this is not what men do that want to marry a woman..what are you waiting for? that definite answer, that clear and perfectly worded message from him that say "I will definitely not marry you"...that's just ridiculous, because look at how he's treated you and what he has put you through...is that the kind of man you want as a husband? Care for yourself, because If you can walk away from a sinking ship, guess what? the ship isn't going to tell you to get off of it, you're just going to be drowning in it and before you realize it you'll be like a robot and so disconnected from what you deserve that you won't even remember what it is like to be treated well by someone and you won't ever know what it's like for a man to love you for who you are..and for that to be good enough. Don't sell yourself short...you didn't do it with your career...don't do it in your love life...you're giving yourself away for peanuts when you're on your way to becoming a well-educated and successful person. 6
Ruby Slippers Posted February 18, 2012 Posted February 18, 2012 The only thing that makes this guy want to marry you is you making yourself less available. So either he's just not that into the idea of marriage, or he's not that into the idea of marrying you. Since you want marriage, neither possibility is favorable. Now, I do think you have some views on marriage that are a little naive. In spite of one's best intentions, marriage does not necessarily last forever. But you want that level of commitment, and you're with a guy who has major hangups about it -- whether they're particular to you or not. You're not going to get that with him, unless you use some elaborate logistical acrobatics to manipulate the situation. And why would you want to do that? You come across as a together young woman who will probably have no problem finding plenty of good men who also want marriage. 2
kaylan Posted February 18, 2012 Posted February 18, 2012 If a guy is near or over 30, has been dating you for a long time (over 4 years), and hasnt proposed yet...then it would seem to me that he doesnt you as his future would. It seems to me that hes just been enjoying his time in a comfortable relationship, and one that he doesnt necessarily see going the route of marriage.
phineas Posted February 18, 2012 Posted February 18, 2012 26 is too young to be married these days & 30 isn't that old. Honestly, every friend I got that married <30 is either miserable or divorced 10yrs later. If she wants to get married & he doesn't then end it. but don't just rebound onto any guy who will marry.
veggirl Posted February 18, 2012 Posted February 18, 2012 I'm not moving out as an ultimatum. I am moving out to make myself feel less anxious. I don't necessarily want to end my relationship with him. I also feel that if I am not living with him, I will have more opportunities to focus on myself and possibly meeting someone else (not saying I would ever cheat, but it might help if I feel as though it is still possible for me to have interest in someone else). Sounds terrible. I do love this man. It's much easier said then done when it comes to leaving someone you have spent many years with. If you've never been in a situation like this I don't expect you to understand how hard it is. OP, that's kinda messed up. You'll move out and see what else is out there but still be with him? I understand it's very hard to leave, but you really should. Moving out will probably go the same way it has the other times you did it. I agree if he wanted to marry you, he'd have proposed by now. Also, taking a step back in a relationship doesn't usually end up having the effect of moving it forward.......
xpaperxcutx Posted February 18, 2012 Posted February 18, 2012 If you have to ask a guy to do something ( against his will) then he wasn't ever going to do it in the first place. I don't know what field you're going into, but if you're going for your PH.D, I would imagine you would be smart enough to know when a man doesn't love you enough to MARRY YOU. There I said it. There are men who can love you and then there are men who will love you AND marry you.
xpaperxcutx Posted February 18, 2012 Posted February 18, 2012 I agree if he wanted to marry you, he'd have proposed by now.QUOTE] Don't forget he was willing to plop down money for a place. It tells me he is the settling down type, just not necessarily willing to settle down with the OP.
FitChick Posted February 18, 2012 Posted February 18, 2012 I don't know what field you're going into My guess would be... psychology.
FitChick Posted February 18, 2012 Posted February 18, 2012 But the main thing is this guy really doesn't sound like he wants to marry you, you're convenient and comfortable for him and he doesn't want to live in an empty home. You're obviously not good enough for what he is looking for...that is what he means by not "perfect" enough. You nailed it. Guys like this wind up dumping the old girlfriend and marrying the new one within six months.
KathyM Posted February 18, 2012 Posted February 18, 2012 I haven't read all the posts on the thread, but just based on your original post, I'd say you've given this man enough of your life without a commitment. He is obviously commitment phobic, and I doubt that's going to change. The sooner you accept that, the sooner you can move on with your life. You obviously want something more than he is willing to give you, and you've allowed him to manipulate and lie to you in order to keep you with him. Is that really something you're willing to put up with? Time to let this guy go and find someone who's not afraid to commit to someone.
Recommended Posts